monaboyd | Here With Me

Title: Here With Me
Author:

dylan_dufresne
Pairing: BB/DM
Rating: R
Summary: It’s going to be another long night.
Feedback: Would be appreciated, but unbeta'd so please forgive my errors.
Disclaimer: Not at all true in reality. This is why fantasy is so popular.
A/N: Laptop went postal and lost this fic yesterday, but I wasn’t about to give up on this quiet plot bunny that waited so patiently. Hope my persistence is worth it. Inspired by the song ‘Here with Me’ by Dido, and by the ‘Never Let Go’ monaboyd manip by

crystalgamgee. Yum.

Sliding over on the bed, Dom rubs his scruffy cheek against the soft sheet and inhales deeply, drawing Billy’s unmistakable scent into his lungs. After nearly four months of spending every possible night together, Billy is sleeping at his own flat, or so Dom presumes as he’s been sleeping alone for the last four nights. Ever since the disagreement in the narrow metal stall in the loo at the pub.

I didn't hear you leave,
I wonder how am I still here,
I don't want to move a thing,
It might change my memory

The emptiness he feels, deep down inside, is overwhelming sometimes. Moving through his day as if nothing is wrong, when in fact Dom’s heart has been ripped to shreds is proving to be his greatest acting challenge to date. To his amazement, nobody seems to have noticed that something is wrong. Yet.

Then again, why would they? How could they? It’s not as if they are aware of the romantic relationship between Billy and himself. Nobody witnessed their tentative first kiss while both slightly inebriated to lower their inhibitions, or the passionate kisses and frantic groping in the nights that followed. And then eventually, weeks later, the incredible sex. It was Billy who insisted that it be kept quiet. Not a word to anyone, not even the rest of the Fellowship. Hating it, but unwilling to say no to Billy and lose him entirely, Dom reluctantly agreed to the conditions. He became Billy’s dirty little secret.

Months of holding back in public, wondering if a touch was a fraction too long, or if they were sitting too close finally pushed Dom to the breaking point. Then came the talk, okay fight, in the loo. And when it was over, they went their separate ways. It was then that the sleepless nights began.

Oh I am what I am,
I'll do what I want,
But I can't hide

Dom’s never been ashamed of being attracted to blokes as well as birds. It’s all about finding a person who makes you feel safe and loved. The person who just . . . fits. Why should it matter if that person is male or female? That’s what his mum told him when he first admitted that he might fancy a bloke at school. So understanding and wise, his mum is. A sweet lady.

Desperately, Dom wants to call her, just to hear her gentle, reassuring voice and have her tell him that it’ll all work out. That he didn’t make a mistake in falling for Billy, half a world away from everything he knows. A secret affair. That’s what he is.

Rolling over in bed, Dom stares blankly at the plaster ceiling. Tries to calculate what time it is, what day it is, in Manchester. No, he’s not going to call her. This is a mess he made all on his own. Made his bed, and now he gets to deal with the consequences.

I won't go,
I won't sleep,
I can't breathe,
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave,
I can't hide,
I cannot be,
Until you're resting here with me

Shoving back the covers, Dom climbs out of bed and makes his way down the hall, dressed in navy blue drawstring pajama bottoms. He doesn’t much feel like sleeping naked these days. It’s too much like when Billy is here. All the nights they spent wrapped up together in their private world, unable to distinguish whose limb belonged to whom when they fell into an exhausted and sated sleep.

Walking into the living room Dom glances at the television and then over at the rather large window overlooking the cozy backyard. Moonlight streams through the window, bathing his skin in soft blue light. Placing his hands against the cool, clear surface, he looks up into the night sky, hoping that the peacefulness will wash over him.

Although Dom waits patiently for quite some time, hot breath fogging the glass, it doesn’t.

Rubbing his now cold palms together to warm them, Dom wanders into the kitchen and over to the fridge. Opening the door he scans the meager contents and sighs. What’s the point? Billy’s not waiting for him in the fridge. Or the cooker. Or anywhere else in Dom’s flat. He’s not here.

I don’t wanna call my friends,
They might wake me from this dream,
And I can't leave this bed,
Risk forgetting all that's been

Shutting the fridge and throwing the room back into darkness, Dom shuffles into the living room, sinking to his knees on the carpet not far from the coffee table. There isn’t a muscle in his body that isn’t tense. That’s why he can’t sleep. A few yoga poses will help. Open him up and ease the ache in his chest. His broken heart. It can’t hurt to try.

As he concentrates on stretching his muscles nearly to their limit, Dom wonders what quiet and wise Viggo would have to say about all this. Considers calling him for an instant and then discards it just as quickly. No. Telling someone makes it real, somehow. He doesn’t want, no, can’t form the words to say what feelings he’s buried deep. That while part of him is overjoyed with having Billy in his life, and his bed, the other part is dragging him down into the darkness. The almost dirty feeling that he experiences every time he wants to touch Billy in public, kiss his cheek or just show some normal, couple-like affection, and then doesn’t. He can’t help but wonder if Billy’s ashamed of their relationship. More directly, ashamed of him.

Of course, Billy never says that’s what it is. He’s just a very private person. Intensely private. And Dom’s the first man he’s ever had a romantic and sexual relationship with. Uncertain about how to proceed is the way he carefully worded it when this all began. Dom can’t help but feel partially responsible for his current predicament. He did agree to Billy’s terms, but in his heart, it hurts.

Taking a deep breath, Dom tries to focus on the happier memories. Snogging like teenagers on his couch on a Sunday afternoon, nibbling kisses and roaming hands as they writhe against one another. Waking up to the feeling of Billy pressing warm kisses to his neck, arm wrapping around his chest to keep their bodies close as they spoon together. The soft, breathy sounds that Billy makes when he comes with Dom deep inside him, green eyes filled with such trust that it nearly steals Dom’s breath away. It’s the moments like these that caused Dom to fall head over heels in love with Billy.

Not that he told him that.

Oh I am what I am,
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide

Rising from the floor, Dom walks back down the dark hallway and into the bedroom. Crawling across the rumpled blankets, he sits on the bed and pulls his knees to his chest, a bare shoulder pressing against the wall. Resting his cheek against the frame of the window, Dom looks up at the moon again and wonders how he’ll find the strength to live without Billy.

It’s only a matter of time before his carefully constructed façade cracks. Merry and Pippin. Dom‘n’Billy. He wonders how he’s ever going to get through the remaining months of shooting, knowing what he’s evidently lost. Maybe he never had it to begin with. The ache in Dom’s chest grows heavier, radiating out until it reaches his fingertips. How many more sleepless nights will he be tormented with memories of the only man he’s ever loved?

Exhaling a ragged breath, Dom blinks back the excess moisture gathering at the corner of his eyes and tightens his arms around his knees. The scent of Billy is all around him; he cannot escape it anymore than he can escape the longing in his heart. He tries not to think about what could have been.

What should have been.

I won't go,
I won't sleep,
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave,
I can't hide,
I cannot be,
Until you're resting here with me

“Dom?”

The sound of Billy’s voice in the silence startles him, and Dom’s head spins around as he searches for the source.

Standing in the doorway, shifting from one foot to the other, Billy watches, green eyes filled with trepidation.

“It’s almost half two,” Dom says quietly after glancing at the clock on the nightstand. “What are you doing here so late?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

The desperation and fear in Billy’s eyes causes Dom’s gut to twist a little.

“Me neither,” Dom admits, turning away from the window and sliding over a little on the bed.

“Dom-”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know what-” Trailing off, Billy bites down on his lower lip for a moment. “I mean, I just-”

“How about we talk about it in the morning?” Dom suggests gently.

Shoulders slumping, Billy nods miserably. “Okay.”

He starts to turn away, only to be stopped by Dom’s voice, soft and intimate.

“Bills, I meant that you’d stay here,” Dom says gently. “With me.”

Sliding over to his own side of the bed, Dom draws back the blankets and pats the mattress beside him.

Eyes filled with immense relief, Billy quickly crosses the room, pausing only to heel off his shoes and shed his trousers. Clad in a rumpled t-shirt and boxer shorts, he crawls into the bed, hesitating for the briefest of moments and then snuggling into Dom’s side when he nods his assent. He bites down on his lower lip to keep from crying when Dom’s arms gently slip around him, and draw their bodies close. A ragged sigh of relief escapes when he feels Dom’s soft lips press a tender kiss to his forehead.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers brokenly. “I’m so sorry, Dommie.”

“I know.”

The hand resting against the warm skin at the small of Billy’s back gives a comforting squeeze, and Billy cuddles even closer, needing to feel Dom pressed against all of him.

“Now go to sleep,” Dom instructs gently, settling into the pillow and closing his exhausted eyes.

After sliding an arm around Dom’s narrow waist and settling his cheek against Dom’s bare chest, Billy lets the steady rhythm of Dom’s heartbeat lull him to sleep.

* * *

The late morning sun is warming the sheets when Dom unwraps his arms from around Billy’s sleeping body and slips away, carefully and silently climbing out of bed. Immediately sensing the loss, Billy awakens and rolls over in time to watch Dom walk out of the room. He panics for a moment, but then relaxes at the everyday sounds of Dom’s morning routine. The boom and hiss of plumbing, running of the taps, and then bare feet padding down the hall to the kitchen.

Laying on the warm spot that Dom recently vacated, Billy listens for a few minutes to the familiar sounds of Dom making a late breakfast, like he always does on their days off. They’re usually up earlier than this, Billy realizes. They usually make love before Dom rolls out of bed, too. Sometimes twice.

The aroma of freshly brewed coffee wafts through the air as Dom fills the kettle for Billy’s tea and then places a pot on the cooker for his porridge. There’s comfort in familiarity. It just feels wrong not to make something for Billy, even with what has happened over the last few days. Of course, it also means Dom can avoid going back into the bedroom for a few more minutes. Give him some time to figure out what he’s going to say.

Why did he just open himself up like that? Take Billy back into his bed without a second thought? Of course, Dom knows that answer. Bill is obviously in pain as well, and being together made it hurt less. It was wonderful until Dom felt Billy’s morning erection pressing into his thigh. In the past that would be the beginning of their morning tradition. Slow and lazy lovemaking, their naked bodies sliding together, and long, deep kisses in the afterglow while bathed in the soft sunlight. But that was then and this is now. If nothing else comes of this, it’s one last night they were able to spend in each others arms.

In the end Dom doesn’t have to go back to the bedroom, because just then Billy shuffles silently into the room, still in his boxers and t-shirt. Wordlessly he take a seat at the table and watches Dom move about the small kitchen. The silence is deafening. Billy knows he should say something. Explain why he showed up in the middle of the night to crawl into Dom’s bed and curl up in his arms. Why he said those things in the loo at the pub that night.

“Sleep well?” Dom asks, finally breaking the silence.

“Yeah.” The surprise is evident in Billy’s reply. “You?”

“Okay.”

“So, about the other night,” Billy begins hesitantly. “When we-”

“Broke up?” Dom supplies, glancing over his shoulder at Billy.

“Had a fight,” Billy counters, not wanting to even consider that the relationship is over.

“Yeah?

Swallowing hard, Billy rises and walks over to where Dom is fidgeting with two mugs. “I’m sorry,” he says softly. “I said a lot of things that night that I didn’t mean. Things that I wanted to take back the second they passed my lips.”

Dom nods. “I think it’s fair to say that we both lost our heads there for a few minutes.”

“I’m sorry,” Billy repeats.

The kettle begins to whistle and Dom turns off the heat to silence it. “Me too.”

“So what do we do now?”

“I’ve been doing some thinking and I figure we’ve got two options,” Dom informs him as he turns around to face Billy, his arms wrapped tightly around his bare chest.

It’s an unconscious protective gesture that Billy recognizes. It tells him that Dom is feeling nervous and exposed. Vulnerable.

“What are they?”

“One. We go back to being best mates and forget that we ever crossed that line.”

Billy’s gut twists painfully as though someone has stabbed him with a long, sharp knife. “And the other?” he manages to ask.

“Two, we pick up where we left off before the fight, hiding the truth from everyone, not addressing the real problem and solving nothing.”

Reading the expression in Dom’s normally bright and sparkling eyes, Billy knows he’s got more to say on the subject.

“Do you have a preference?”

“Honestly Billy, I don’t much like either one.”

Feeling claustrophobic suddenly, Dom moves past Billy so he can walk the length of the room.

The defeated look in Dom’s eyes breaks Billy’s heart. This is pain that he has caused. He’s caused his lover to doubt himself. This mess is his fault.

“Isn’t there a third option?” Billy asks quietly.

“I don’t know, Billy.” Turning away to conceal his face, Dom blinks rapidly and bites down on his lower lip for a moment. “What did you have in mind?”

“I don’t know. Something.”

“Well, I’ll tell you what I know,” Dom says turning back around, his eyes wild and conflicted. “I know that for the last four days I’ve been trying to decide if breaking up is the best thing to do, even though I’m bloody well lost and miserable without you. I’ve also been asking myself if I can settle for a piece of you; allow myself to be hidden away like a toy that you’re embarrassed to admit that you have. Can it be enough for me to let you fuck me in private when you deny me in public?”

Billy winces at the vulgar word to describe the incredibly intimate acts that they have shared, but at the same time, understands why Dom feels this way. He has been hiding the relationship, but not for the reasons that Dom thinks.

“And what I’m really having trouble with,” Dom adds, voice trembling, “Is that I’ve been convincing myself that all this pain is worthwhile if it means that I get one more night in your arms. That you hold me and give me all that you are in the safety of my bed.”

“Dommie-”

“Do you understand what I’m saying?” Dom interrupts, taking a few steps closer to Billy. “I’ve been convincing myself that being your dirty little secret is better than nothing; that I’m not really just a rent boy to you.”

“Dom, I’ve been such an idiot, a right bastard to you, making you hide things from everyone,” Billy says, eyes pleading. “I’ve made so many mistakes. Right from the start when I told you that it had to be a secret.”

“I never should’ve said yes,” Dom says quietly, looking at the floor. “But I did because I wanted you so much.”

“I never should’ve demanded it. I’m so sorry that I’ve made you feel this way, Dommie,” Billy continues, fingers aching to reach out and comfort him. “I was just so unsure of what was going to happen, and I really thought that would make me feel safe, somehow.”

“Didn’t work out like you thought, yeah?” Dom asks rhetorically. “That makes two of us.”

“I realized something early on, but only admitted it to myself that night and I didn’t know how to tell you,” Billy confesses. “I panicked and handled it so badly.”

“Can you tell me now?”

Drawing in a deep, fortifying breath, Billy takes a step closer. “I was sipping my whiskey, watching you dance. Watching your beautiful body move to the music, and I was overcome with the urge to join you out there. To wrap you up in my arms and kiss you, touch you, until you begged me to take you home. Mark you so that everyone knows what you mean to me. That you’re mine and that I am yours.”

Dom’s eyes glisten and he draws a ragged breath.

“That I love you,” Billy finishes softly, his gaze locked with Dom’s.

Stumbling back, Dom falls heavily into the chair Billy recently vacated. His eyes are wide with surprise, mouth hanging open.

“Did you hear me?”

Wordlessly, Dom nods. Stunned, he can’t move. Can’t speak.

Closing the distance between them, Billy swings a leg over and settles on Dom’s lap, trapping him before he can escape. Cupping Dom's face between his hands, he nudges the scruffy cheek gently with his nose and smiles nervously before bringing their lips together. Tongue slipping deftly into Dom’s mouth, Billy nibbles and sucks at Dom’s tongue and lips, feasting hungrily on the flavor of Dom. Fingers slide into the silky blonde strands of Dom’s hair, holding his head still as Billy deepens the kiss, devouring and feverish and then gentle by turns on the now swollen flesh of Dom’s soft lips.

Unable to suppress a moan, Dom trembles uncontrollably as he returns Billy’s kiss, his hands sliding under Billy’s t-shirt and cupping the soft curve of his arse. His stomach is fluttering at Billy’s words, still ringing in his ears and when Billy rocks his hips forward, causing their erections to meet, Dom gasps.

“Billy,” he pants breathlessly, hands squeezing Billy’s round cheeks and pulling their aroused bodies even closer.

Smiling at his response, Billy dives into Dom’s mouth again, tongue sliding over his teeth, teasing the roof of his mouth before finally finding the sensitive spot under his tongue. When Dom bucks his hips and moans desperately, Billy presses even closer, kisses deeper.

Wanting to touch more, Dom shoves a hand inside Billy’s boxers, fingers finding his tight entrance with practiced ease. His other hand dips under the front of Billy’s t-shirt and slides through the soft chest hair until fingertips find a nipple, rapidly stiffening into a hard peak. At Dom’s intimate caresses, Billy finally breaks the kiss with a ragged moan of need.

“Christ, Dommie,” he whimpers as Dom begins sucking and licking the column of his neck in the same rhythm of his hands. “You’re going to make me-”

“Dom!” Elijah calls out as he flings open the front door and walks inside. “Dude, where are you? Come have lunch at the pub with me and Orli!”

Tearing his lips away from Billy’s neck, Dom tries to push him back, putting distance between their aroused bodies. It’s a familiar habit that he’s become accustomed to. Unfortunately.

“Shite! It’s Lij,” he whispers. “Gotta move Billy. Quick.”

But this time Billy isn’t scrambling away. Instead he tightens his hold around Dom’s bare shoulders and presses forward, capturing the younger man’s open mouth in a long, hot, tongue tangling kiss. He’s moaning softly and rolling his hips against Dom’s in a slow, seductive rhythm when Lij arrives at the kitchen.

Stopping short in the doorway, a loud squeak of surprise escapes his lips.

“Holy shit,” he breathes.

Finally breaking the passionate kiss, Billy cuddles Dom possessively against his chest before looking over at the stunned American.

“Hey Lij. We won’t be joining you and Orli,” he says, a little breathless as he threads his fingers through Dom’s wild, dark blonde hair and kisses his forehead. “I’m attempting to seduce my Dommie here and really, it can’t wait.”

Dazed, Dom can only gaze up at Billy, jaw gaping open in surprise at Billy’s admission. What he’s just revealed to the one person who will surely tell everyone he knows in the next three minutes.

“Yeah. Okay. No problem,” Elijah replies hastily, eyes wide and a grin spreading from ear to ear. “Uh, see you later?”

“Tomorrow would be better,” Billy replies, before meeting Dom’s heated gaze. “We’re going to be busy tonight.”

“Okay then.”

Elijah turns to leave, but pauses again when Billy calls out to him. When he turns, his huge eyes widen even further at the sight of Dom’s face buried in Billy’s neck, hands cupping his arse, not to mention the unmistakable bulges in their pants being pressed together.

“Make sure you give Orli plenty of details to share, okay Lij?”

Nodding, Elijah makes a run for the front door. Just before it slams shut behind him, they hear him call out.

“Dude! You’re never going to believe what I just walked in on!”

Pulling back, Dom shakes his head in disbelief. “You just-”

“I know,” Billy interrupts, pressing a kiss to each of Dom’s cheeks and then his mouth.

“Why?”

“I love you, my Dommie,” Billy says tenderly, his eyes locking with Dom’s, fingers caressing his cheeks and lips. “And I don’t want you to think that I’m ashamed of that, ever again. Not for one second.”

This time, Dom doesn’t hold back the tears flooding his eyes. “I love you, too.”

* * *

Completely spent, body slick with sweat, Dom collapses over Billy, panting heavily against his neck. Their intense and passionate lovemaking has left him boneless, but happier and more satisfied than he ever thought possible. Billy’s back in his arms, right where he belongs. No more hiding.

Sensing Dom’s thoughts, Billy tightens his arms around Dom’s lean body, feeling the warm and slippery wetness of his release sliding between their bellies.

“I missed you,” he whispers against Dom’s cheek. “Being inside me.”

Propping himself up on his elbows carefully so their bodies remain intimately locked, Dom’s eyes find Billy’s, his brow furrowing.

“It’s only been a few days.”

“Five since the last time,” Billy corrects. “We were going to that night, after the pub, but-”

“I remember.”

“You know, I don’t think we ever went longer than one day since the first time.”

“I think you’re right,” Dom says and then starts to withdraw.

“No!” Billy cries out, tightening his arms. “Stay.”

“I’m heavy, Bills,” Dom protests. “I’ll squash you.”

“Stay. Please,” he begs. “Just for a few minutes.”

Nodding, Dom slides forward again, all the way to the hilt, causing Billy to moan softly, eyes dropping closed as the sensations wash over him.

“You okay, Bills?” Suddenly worried that their making up was a little too intense, Dom cups his cheek. “Bills?”

“I’ve felt so empty without you inside me,” he confesses after opening his eyes again. “Was so afraid that I’d never feel this way again. Only you make me feel this way.”

Lips meeting in a slow, deep kiss, Dom gives his hips a small, lazy thrust and then smiles when Billy shivers beneath him. “I feel the same way about you, Bills,” he says softly.

Laying in the circle of each others arms, the lovers listen to the comfortable silence as their hearts and breathing return to normal, the sun warming their sated bodies.

“I should get dressed soon,” Billy says, fingers trailing lazily down Dom’s naked back. “Need to get back to my flat.”

Eyes snapping open, Dom pushes up on his elbows again. “What? You’re leaving?” he asks in disbelief.

He can’t believe what he’s just heard. Not after what happened last night and this morning. Stunned, he starts to pull back, out of Billy’s body, but Billy tightens his hands on Dom’s hips, holding him fast.

“No, wait. Let me explain,” he begs.

“I thought that we-” Unable to find the words, Dom trails off.

“I want to go home and pack,” Billy says, hands now moving back up Dom’s body to cup his face. “Bring my things here, if that’s okay with you.”

“You mean, you want to keep some stuff here?” Dom asks, unable to allow himself to accept what he thinks Billy has just said. It hurts too much to hope.

“I don’t want to have separate flats anymore. It’s like we’re together, but still apart,” Billy clarifies softly, threading his fingers through Dom’s hair and bringing their mouths together for a long, deep, lovers kiss. “I don’t want to be anywhere else. I want to be here.”

Blinking back happy tears, Dom nods in understanding, the love in his heart overwhelming him.

“With me.”

* * *

fin

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Date: 2005-02-21 01:22 am (UTC)

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