monaboyd | All of Me

Title: All of Me
Author:

dylan_dufresne
Pairing: BB/DM
Rating: R, for dark themes, etc.
Summary: Billy has regrets.
Feedback: Would be appreciated, but unbeta'd so please forgive my errors.
Disclaimer: Not at all true in reality.
A/N: By popular demand . . . Part 2 of 3. In which Billy is redeemed, or at the very least you don’t think he’s a complete arsehole. So, more angst. You get the idea. Title is from lyrics.
Previous part is here

Billy keeps a list of days in his head that he considers the worst of his life. Numbers one and two are reserved for the deaths of his beloved parents, taken far too soon. The third is the day he walks away from Dom in New Zealand. The day his heart dies.

The strap of his carry on bag digs into his shoulder, but he doesn’t dare adjust it, because that might mean he’ll turn and see Dom one last time. His heart leaps at the mere thought of it, and his stomach throbs.

No. He can’t. If he looks back he’ll never be able to leave. Of course, Dom will be standing there, watching him walk away, Billy knows this. It’s taking everything in him to keep walking away. To not to throw down his bag and turn back. Run full speed back into his Dom’s arms. No. He can’t.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

From the moment they met, Billy had known that Dom’s star would always burn brighter than his own. That day when he’d stepped into the Costume Fitting room and laid eyes on the young man who would become his lover. He knew in that moment that he was in trouble.

‘Careful, William Boyd,’ he’d told himself. ‘Or you’ll fall for that one.’

But it was already too late.

Maybe it’s the difference in their ages. Youth, vitality, all that shite. Maybe it’s because Dom is incapable of keeping both feet on the ground. There’s just this light inside him that seems destined for greater heights. It’s one of a million things that Billy loves about Dom.

So Billy straightens his shoulders and keeps walking. It’s for the best. Dom will have a brilliant career. Films. Television. Maybe even a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame someday. Everything he’s ever wanted. All his dreams will come true. And all Billy has to do is keep walking.

When the plane is cruising at 30,000 feet, Billy’s cool façade slips and he moves quickly to the back of the plane to hide in the tiny loo. He’s grateful for the roar of the engines, as they drown out his gut-wrenching sobs. He stays there, on his knees, until the well runs dry and he’s empty inside.

Back in Scotland, Billy wanders around his living room, wondering how it’s possible that a part of Dom seems to have traveled on the airplane with him. An irrational fear sets in, making him wonder if his bed will smell like Dom, after the last night that they shared in New Zealand. His body still carries the memory of Dom’s touch, and his hands still remember how Dom’s skin felt as their bodies moved together one last time. He sleeps on the couch that night and spends the next two days washing all the linen in the cupboard. And all his clothes.

It doesn’t help.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

Weeks pass and everything just feels wrong. It’s like he’s fallen down and now his body isn’t lining up the way it should. A part of him is missing. The Dom shaped part.

The days are long, but the nights are even longer. Every minute of every single day Billy aches to pick up the phone. It feels wrong not to talk to Dom about, well, everything. But he doesn’t dial the number, at least, not completely. He makes himself stop with one digit to go.

It’s for the best, he tells himself. Ignores the permanent ache in his chest, where his heart used to be. Pretends that he’s fine, for the benefit of his friends. How do you explain that you walked away from the best thing that ever happened to you? From the one person you were born to love forever? How do you justify it to your head when your heart just doesn’t understand?

Margaret knows there’s something wrong, but waits nearly a month before stopping by for tea and finally confronting him. For the first time since they were wee children squabbling over a toy, they argue. He tries to make her understand that he didn’t plan it. He didn’t mean to fall in love. Her response is not what Billy expects. Sweet and lovely Margaret calls him a damn fool for not staying with Dom. For letting the one he loves slip through his fingers. She warns him that some loves only happen once in a lifetime.

They don’t speak of it, but Margaret’s eyes never look at him quite the same way ever again. She always has a ready smile, of course, but beneath it, sadness and a touch of regret, brought on by wisdom.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

Months pass and the premiere of Fellowship along with it. Billy thinks that the first one will be the hardest, and then it will get better. He’s so wrong. So very, very wrong. The media is everywhere, wanting, no, clamoring for more. Red carpet moments. Interviews. Magazines. Photo shoots. It never ends. It only makes sense that Merry and Pippin would do their interviews together, Peter had said.

It hurts so much, more than Billy thinks he can bear, being close to Dom again. They don’t discuss it ahead of time, but know each other so well that it’s almost a relief to slip into the role of best friends. Finish each others sentences as they tell amusing stories to the interviewers. Sit so close together. Like hobbits. They even manage to make people wonder about just how much time the hobbits spent together in New Zealand. The reporters love it. And want more.

There is a brief moment when Dom nuzzles into Billy’s side for a photo and it nearly causes Billy to come undone. To be so close, but yet so far. No, he can’t. It’ll ruin everything for Dom. He’s got projects now. He’s well on his way to stardom. Billy has to be strong. It’s for the best.

Only late at night, when he’s alone does Billy finally let himself feel the cold hard truth. Some nights it’s a long hot shower to muffle the sound of his sobs. Other nights he’s barely inside the hotel room door and he’s fumbling with his trousers, dropping to his knees, desperate to bring himself relief. But it’s not the same. It’s not Dom.

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

When Billy gets back to Scotland, he’s worse. He finds himself losing track of time, desperately flipping through stacks of magazines, looking for pictures of Dom. Searching for an image that will make him believe that all this is worth it. Unpacks his groceries in the kitchen and realizes that he’s bought all Dom’s favorite foods and none of the things on his list. Can’t bear to eat them, can’t bear to throw them away. Instead he watches as they wilt and begin to rot, much like what remains of his heart.

E-mails and the occasional phone call from America comes, but it’s never from the one he wants. Not that he can blame Dom. He hasn’t called either. Ever the diplomat, Sean tries to smooth things over a little, but stops after a heated discussion with Elijah. Billy doesn’t know what is said, and can’t make himself ask.

It seems that no matter what Billy does, parts of Dom slip in and make themselves at home when he’s not looking. Especially when Billy’s trying to sleep. Over and over again, the memory of their time together torments him. Their first time; gentle, but hungry and intense. Their last; long, slow and deep. Dom beneath him. Dom above him. Dom wrapped around him.

Billy wakes with the taste of Dom’s skin on his lips and wonders if he’s actually going mad.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

Another year. Another premiere in LA. Two Towers this time. It’s supposed to be easier this time, Billy is sure. Of course, it’s not. Much of it is nearly identical as the last time he was here. Interviews and photo opportunities for both professionals and amateurs. The difference this time is that Billy allows himself to be dragged out to a celebration party by Elijah and ends up with a rather drunk and giggly Dom in his lap. His sweet lips latch onto Billy’s neck for a moment, with a tongue darting out to taste and then he is gone again.

Billy barely makes it into a stall in the loo to bring himself off roughly, hot tears streaming down his cheeks. By the time he composes himself and reemerges, Dom is gone. He spends the rest of the night pacing in his hotel room, wishing he has the courage to call a cab to take him to the flat he knows Dom shares with Sean’s brother, Mackenzie.

When he gets back to Scotland, he turns off the phone and drowns himself in whiskey until Margaret shows up and dumps the remaining alcohol down the drain.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

A few weeks later Elijah lets it slip that Dom’s gotten even more job offers and Billy finds his eyes filling with tears. It’s working, just like he thought. Dom’s going to be a star. This is what makes the pain worth it. All Billy has to do is stay strong.

He hopes that throwing himself into work will help. Master and Commander. Mexico. He’s thankful for the long, hard hours, because it leaves him little time to think about Dom. At least during his waking hours. At night, when he dreams, he shows up on Dom’s doorstep in LA and throws himself into his arms. Begs for them never to part.

Sometimes Dom says yes and the reunion is unforgettable. Lips and tongue, teeth and arms. Sliding to the floor right there because they can’t wait one more second. Other times he says no and slams the door in Billy’s face. Those nights Billy wakes up with a strangled gasp and lays there in the darkness, the heartache nearly unbearable. The worst is when Billy shows up and Dom isn’t alone.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Another year draws to a close and King is upon them. Oscar buzz fills the air. Billy’s never been so proud. It’s a wonderful time, or at least, it should be.

Part of Billy is glad to be getting out of Scotland for a while. He misses the family he’d made while shooting Rings. The other part of Billy wishes he was going anywhere but LA. Dom is doing great. He’s even talking to some hotshot creator at ABC about a television series and a character that’s being created just for him. A rock star.

That makes Billy smile. Dom’s star is really beginning to shine.

He manages to avoid being completely alone with Dom, but still ends up wedged in a corner with him at a club. Dom has had too much to drink again and while in the middle of a good-natured argument with Lij, he accidentally loses his balance and crashes into Billy. Their bodies slide together and stay that way for precious moments. Then Billy shrugs away and the moment is gone.

Dom’s worked too hard and come too far to fuck it up now. It’ll get easier to be around one another.

At least, that’s what Billy keeps telling himself as he stands under the hot spray and jerks himself roughly, moaning Dom’s name.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

Billy’s back in Scotland only a short while and then one day, when he’s not looking, he meets someone. Ali.

He not sure how it happens, but before he knows it, they’re a couple. Ali is sweet and gentle and never curses. She’s delicate and curvaceous, like a spring flower. Everyone likes her. What’s not to like?

But Billy feels like a fraud. He tells himself that this is way it should be. Tells himself that the curve of a woman’s waist is more attractive than the slope of a man’s back; that the softness of Ali’s belly is better than the lean muscles of Dom’s stomach. Tells himself more lies.

Yes, Ali is sweet and delicate, and never curses when she’s in bed with Billy. She never bites on his neck and pleads with him to fuck her harder, or tries to talk him into having a snog in the dark alley of a public place. She never wakes Billy up with her lips around his swollen cock, gazing up at him with lusty blue-grey eyes.

Yes, Ali is lovely. But she’s not Dom. Billy likes Ali, he really does. But it’s not the same. The hole in his heart can’t be filled with her, no matter how hard she tries.

Weeks turn into months, and months into nearly two years. Billy makes one trip to America during that time. February. The Oscars. He sits proudly with Peter and Fran and the rest of the cast in the Kodak theatre, trying to focus on the joy of that time in New Zealand, rather than the sadness that followed. At one point he can’t help himself and glances over at Dom, catching him with his eyes full of proud tears. He aches to pull Dom into his arms and comfort him. To tell him that he feels the same way

But he doesn’t.

Dom is moving to Hawaii. His new show will start filming soon. A plane crash and then surviving while lost on a deserted island. Dom will get to surf everyday. His character, lovable, rock star Charlie, will be seen by millions every week. Dom’s star is burning bright.

One day soon, it’ll stop hurting. Billy’s almost sure of it.

And then one day, as the anniversary of his parting with Dom in New Zealand draws near, the world is turned sideways and nothing is what Billy thinks it is. Ali, her pretty blue eyes sad and resigned, quietly packs her bags. He doesn’t understand. What did he do?

Her calm reply steals his breath. How was he supposed to know that he calls for Dom in his sleep; that he reaches to pull Dom into his arms when he’s hard and aching.

Ali is sweet and gentle and never curses. She’s delicate and curvaceous, like a spring flower. Everyone likes her. What’s not to like? She finally accepts that she’s not the one for Billy. She never was.

He feels guilty for using her, even though he never really meant to. When he tries to apologize, she kisses his cheek and wishes him well. Tells him that she hopes he finds what he’s been denying himself.

And then Billy is on a airplane, barely having taken the time to pack and close up his house. He doesn’t have to take a cab to the airport, because when he calls Margaret to tell her that he’s flying to Hawaii, she insists on taking him. They share a long, tight hug at the security checkpoint and for the first time in years, her smile reaches her eyes.

He arrives in Hawaii around dinner time and takes a cab to an address that he knows by heart, though he’s never been there before. He considers calling Dom on his mobile, but decides against it. This isn’t the sort of thing that can be talked about over the phone.

He watches from across the street when Dom’s car finally pulls into the driveway. For the first time in years, his heart doesn’t ache when he looks at Dom. At least, not until Dom nearly throws himself through the door with a ragged sob and Evey arrives barely a minute later.

Sinking down to sit on a small patch of grass, Billy is frozen, watching the house, wondering what he has just witnessed. Like everyone else, he wonders about the rumors that are circulating about Dom and various female costars.

What if he’s too late? What if he’s just witnessed a lover’s quarrel and now they’re inside, making up? The thought twists Billy’s stomach into knots. He’s about ready to ring for a cab to take him back to the airport when Evey reappears, eyes damp and worried.

No, that’s not a lover’s quarrel. Billy recognizes the signs. That’s a friend, worried about a friend. While that eases one part of Billy’s heart, it make the rest of it ache even more. Dom is in pain. His Dom. Could he be feeling the same things that Billy is?

Is it possible that he remembers what this day is, too?

Too scared to hope, Billy waits until Evey’s car pulls away and disappears down the street. Waits until darkness starts to fall and stars begin to appear in the sky. Then he stands up and walks over to the front door. His knees are trembling and his hands won’t move. Finally he reaches out to knock, but ends up twisting the doorknob instead.

When the door opens, Billy winces at the sound. The music is nearly deafening.

Someday somehow
I'm gonna make it alright
But not right now
I know you're wondering when

Making out the words, Billy’s heartache grows in intensity. After closing the door behind him, Billy lets his bag drop to the floor as he walks toward the sound.

Dom’s on his knees, facing the windows with his shoulders slumped and his head hung low. Billy can tell by the shuddering in his body that Dom is crying.

Sinking to his knees beside Dom, Billy waits a few moments for Dom to notice him. Sees the tears streaming down his face and with his heart breaking, waits for the sad song to end. Billy slowly reaches out to lay a hand on Dom’s shoulder. Squeezes gently.

I know you're wondering when . . .

Their eyes meet and Billy can’t stop himself from reaching out to cup Dom’s beard stubbled cheek in his small palm, thumb brushing away a stray tear.

“How about now?” he asks and then holds his breath, waiting for Dom’s reply.

* * *

3-Maybe Tomorrow

Current Mood: hopeful

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Date: 2005-01-29 08:56 am (UTC)

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