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monaboyd Dec. 8th, 2004 12:09 am)
wbearsmom.livejournal.com posting in monaboyd Dec. 8th, 2004 12:09 am)This fic came to me as I was writing the final chapters to my “Helping Hands” series. Hope you like it.
Title: A Birthday Goodbye
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
wbearsmom
Pairing: BB/DM
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It’s Dom’s birthday. Where is Billy?
Disclaimer: This is so not true
Feedback: Always welcome
Warning: Angsty - very angsty
A/N: Part one of a two part series
Billy was sitting in the kitchen having a morning cup of tea when Dom rushed into the room. “Mornin’, Bills,” Dom said as he pulled open the cabinet door. “Dom” Billy responded.
“Sorry I’ve been such a bad host,” Dom started as he grabbed a package of toaster pastries, “but you know how it is. Shooting runs overtime, then out for a quick drink and I totally lose track of time. I’ll try to be home early tonight.” Billy nodded as Dom grabbed his bag and headed for the door. “See ya later, Bills!”
Billy sighed as he heard the door shut. He had been at Dom’s place in Hawaii for nearly 4 days now, and had seen Dom for a grand total of about 20 minutes. It was always the same excuse - a long day of filming followed by a drink (or six or seven) with his new cast mates during which Dom would lose track of time; then he would get home where Billy would be waiting up for him. Dom would drunkenly mumble an apology and an excuse and head to bed, then rush off to the set again the following morning. Billy had just about had enough.
He had come to Hawaii for Dom’s birthday, which was the next day, and had planned to stay for two weeks. But now Billy wasn’t so sure he wanted to stay; it seemed that Dom couldn’t care less about him being there. Billy had spent the days muddling around the house, going down to the beach, or wandering around town, but always by himself.
He drained the last of his tea and got up to rinse his cup. He went into the living room to watch a little TV while he thought. He sat down on the couch and flipped through the channels, not really seeing what was on, finally turning the TV back off when he couldn’t find anything he could tolerate for more than a few seconds. He leaned his head back and contemplated his situation with Dom.
Eventually Billy came to a decision. If Dom ‘forgot’ about him again that night he would leave the next day. He figured there was no sense in staying where he wasn’t really wanted. He called the airport to find out if there was a flight back to Scotland the next day, get the time for the flight, and confirm that he could exchange his ticket. ‘Well, that’s that,’ he thought. ‘All I can do now is wait.’ He sat back on the couch to try to watch television again, but spied Dom’s camcorder sitting on top of the entertainment center. ‘Ah, change of plans. Something I can do while waiting.’ He got up and grabbed the camera and a blank disc.
**********
Dom came home at 2:00 AM. He walked into the house with another apology on his lips, but Billy wasn’t waiting up for him this time. He walked down the hall and poked his head into the guest room, where Billy was sound asleep. “Sorry, Bills,” he whispered. “I’ll make it up to you. I promise.” He closed the door and went to bed.
**********
When Billy woke up in the morning he realized he really did not want to face Dom. He heard Dom move around the house, getting ready to leave for the day, and pretended to be asleep when Dom opened the door to the guest room to check on him. He heard the bedroom door close quietly, then a few minutes later he heard the front door close and Dom’s car start up and pull away.
He got up, took a shower, dressed, and finished packing. He then went into the kitchen for some breakfast. There was a note on the table from Dom:
Billy -
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. I really tried to make it home early last night. I will make it up to you starting tonight at the party. Don’t forget - 7 PM at the Luau Palace (I know - tacky name). It’s gonna be great!! See ya there - Dom
“No you won’t,” Billy said to himself. He ate his breakfast, did the dishes, called the airport to confirm his flight change, then called a cab.
**********
Dom kept looking around the club. It was 8:00 and Billy hadn’t arrived yet. Dom tried calling the house and Bill’s cel, but had gotten no answer. He wondered if Billy was sick; after all, he hadn’t gotten up for breakfast as usual. He was just about to go home and check on Billy when Josh and Ian grabbed him and threw him out on the dance floor. Several songs (and drinks) later he had forgotten what he was worried about.
**********
Dom woke up the next afternoon with just a bit of a hangover. ‘Thank goodness we didn’t have to shoot today,’ he thought. He got out of bed to take a shower. ‘Wonder what Bill wants to do today. Early enough for surfing - if he’s not too hung over. Wait a minute - he wasn’t at the party last night - I don’t think - where was he?’ He got out of the shower, toweled off and quickly threw on his boxers. He practically ran to the guest room, shouting “Bill? Billy?” He opened the door.
The room was empty. Billy’s bags were gone. Everything was clean, almost pristine, as if no one had even been there. The only thing out of place was a wrapped gift placed in the middle of the neatly made bed.
Dom sat down on the bed and picked up the gift. He unwrapped it and found that it was a book on the plants and animals of Hawaii. Billy knew how he loved nature. He opened the book and something fell out on to his lap. He picked it up and saw that it was one of the DVD-R’s for his camcorder, with a post-it note attached:
WATCH THIS - IF YOU CAN FIND THE TIME
Dom wondered what Billy meant by that, but then he had a sneaking suspicion that he knew. He went to the living room, put the disc in the DVD player, and sat down on the couch to watch.
All Dom saw at first was a blurry shot of the sofa coming into focus, then Billy stepped out from behind the camera and sat down in the picture. Looking intently into the camera, Billy started to speak.
“Hello Dom. And happy birthday. I hope you like the book.
“If you are watching this then I am not there. This was recorded with the hope that I don’t have to give this to you - but I guess my hope was only a fool’s hope, and I’m just a fool of a Took. Sorry for the movie ref.
“I am recording this on the seventh while I am waiting for you to come home from work. You promised you wouldn’t forget about me tonight, but you promised me that all week, and you still did, so why should tonight be any different. Anyways - you’re watching this now, which means that you did forget again. I guess I mean so little to you now that you can’t be bothered with me.”
Billy paused and shook his head. “No - wait - that sounds so petty. I don’t mean to whine like this. It’s just - what happened? We’re supposed to be best friends, but since I’ve been here I’ve felt more like a burden. I know you have your friends here, Dom. I would have gladly met up for drinks with you all after filming each day, but you never called to tell me where you were. It feels like you’re ashamed of me, like you don’t think I’d fit in with your new friends or your new lifestyle . . .” Billy sighed. “Like you weren’t just forgetting about me, but that you just don’t want me around any more.”
“Oh, Bills, no - never- you can’t think like that. How could I let you think like that?” Dom said softly to the television - and himself.
On the screen, Billy ran his hands through his hair, then started to speak again. “I probably should have never come to Hawaii in the first place. I just hoped . . . I mean, I knew we were drifting apart - well, more like you were drifting away. You never had time to talk to me anymore. No matter when I called, you were either in the middle of something or going somewhere and couldn’t talk for long. Worse yet, when you didn’t answer at all and I’d leave a message, you would never call me back. In fact, you never called at all. I was always the one calling you. I figured if I came to see you, especially for your birthday, you would have to talk to me then. Stupid assumption on my part. Ignoring me on the phone hurt, Dom, but ignoring me in person hurts so much worse.” Billy gave a wry laugh. “God, I sound like a teenage girl angsting over a boyfriend . . . Ah, well, if the shoe fits . . . sort of.”
‘Huh?’ Dom thought, a bit confused by that last statement.
“Oh, Dommie,” Billy continued, looking a bit like he was going to cry. “If only I’d . . . - but I couldn’t. You were too good a friend. I didn’t want to lose that. But what good did it do me? I still wound up losing you, didn’t I. Well, at least we had the past few years. Might not have had that. Of course - what does that matter now? May as well tell you - or not. I don’t know, Dom. Would you want to know? Would I want to know if I were you?”
‘Know what, Bill? Tell me.’ Dom silently pleaded. He stared at the television, watching as Billy sat with his head in his hands.
“Hell, what have I got to lose anymore?” Billy looked up. It seemed to Dom as if Billy looked right into his eyes. “I am in love with you, Dominic Monaghan. I have been in love with you since the day I met you. And I will always be in love with you.”
“WHAT!!!!” Dom gasped. He quickly hit reverse, then play again. TV Billy looked at him again. “I am in love with you, Dominic Monaghan. I have been in love with you since the day I met you. And I will always be in love with you.”
Dom hit the pause button. “Shit, Billy . . .” He got up and paced around, trying to digest what he had just heard. ‘Billy loves me. Billy loves me. Billy’s in love with me. BILLY is in LOVE with ME!’ Finally, after several minutes, Dom was able to sit down again and watch some more. He hit play.
On-screen!Billy unfroze. “I’ve wanted to say that to you for years. Couldn’t though. Lots of reasons - like I’m straight, you’re straight, we’re best friends - well, we were best friends.
“You’re probably pretty freaked out right now.” Dom gave a snort. Billy continued, “I was certainly freaked when I figured it out. I mean, this kind of thing doesn’t happen every day - to me, anyway. There I was, happily going on with my life when - WHAM. Hit me like a brick wall. Gah - you got me talking in clichés now.
“There’s so much I want to say to you, Dom. Where do I start. At the beginning, I guess. Do you remember when we first met? Elijah and I were getting fitted. There I was in my boxers, with that lovely little seamstress taking some very intimate measurements, when you bounded into the room, ran over to me screaming ‘Pippin!’ and bear-hugged me. I took one look at you, with your shaved head and sweet smile, and I felt my heart begin to beat very fast. I thought it was just excitement at meeting my Merry. I know now that it was my heart giving itself to you.
“The more we got to know each other, the better friends we became. Dom’n’Billy. Merry’n’Pippin. Inseparable. Two halves of the same whole. We heard them all, didn’t we? And we shared just about everything - our flat, clothes, food, and a few girls from the clubs, if I remember correctly.” Billy smirked at that statement. And, oh yeah, Dom remembered.
Dom watched as Billy seemed to get a dreamy look in his eyes. Billy spoke again. “We even shared a bed on occasion - yes, I know, not like THAT! Although I will admit that, well, after I realized, uhm . . . I did think about it, us, what it would be like to, you know . . . . . But I never would act on it. Best friends - wasn’t gonna screw that up. Ugh - bad pun - sorry, Dommie.
“Actually, it was one of those nights when I finally figured out my feelings for you. Do you remember when we were filming the Moria scenes, and that extremely cold night. It felt like it would never end. I was so cold and sick. My feet were nearly frozen solid - hurt so bad I thought I was going to cry. You kept bringing me hot chocolate between takes. We shared a blanket for warmth. And when filming was finally done for the night you drove me home and took care of me. Hot soup, hot tea. You even warmed a towel on the heater then wrapped it around my feet because they were still so cold. But I just couldn’t stop shivering. I couldn’t get warm. I guess I was fevering or something.
“Anyhow, you finally tucked me in bed with an extra blanket or three, and when that still wasn’t enough to warm me up, you climbed into bed with me. You pulled me close up against you and held me until I finally stopped shivering and fell asleep.
“I woke up in the middle of the night. You were still next to me, with your arm around me, sound asleep. I watched you for a long time, Dommie. Watched you breathe, watched you move around as you dreamed. And a thought came into my head - I wondered if you ever dreamed about me. And that was it - the moment when I realized - that I didn’t just love you as a friend. I was IN LOVE with you. And to be honest, it scared the shit outta me.” Both Dom and the on-screen Billy smiled.
“I couldn’t get back to sleep for a long time. My thoughts were just - too much. I mean - realizing that I was in love with you, my best friend, and not just my friend, but a MAN for chrissakes! Like I said before - I’m straight, you’re straight. Straight men don’t fall in love with other straight men, do they?
“Gotta be a fluke, I said to myself. It’s because we’re together constantly, kinda isolated in this wonderland of a place called New Zealand, living out this fantasy of a movie. All these young, attractive guys around. Could make anyone think strange thoughts. But the longer I thought about it, the more I knew that that was wrong. I knew I had these feelings from the start, but hadn’t realized what they were until that moment.
“So then I decided I was going to tell you. Just find the right moment, look you in the eye and say ‘Dom, I’m in love with ya,’ and see what would happen. My hope was that you would tell me you loved me too and grab me and kiss me like I’ve never been kissed before, especially since I’ve never been kissed by a guy before. Then I realized that was not likely to happen, because of the whole - you know - straight thing.
“Okay - maybe your reaction would be the opposite. You would look at me with disgust, then punch me in the face, tell me to fuck off and never speak to me again. Extreme reaction, but might happen.
“Or the third option. You would laugh at me, thinking the I was joking but not really sure. And then you would start to analyze things, every hug, every touch, and wonder if I really was serious. You’d begin to pull away from me, afraid that you might inadvertently encourage my advances. Slowly but surely we’d lose our friendship. I knew this would be what happened - it’s how I would react under the circumstances.
“I wasn’t willing to risk that, Dommie. I didn’t want to lose your friendship. My only choice, then, was to keep quiet. Keep things as they were. I would be happy loving you in secret if I could have your friendship for the rest of my life. Guess that was a pipe dream, too.”
Dom paused the video again. He had begun to cry. ‘Oh Billy, Billy. I didn’t . . . you should have told me. You should have . . .’ He got up off the couch and began to pace again, thoughts and memories whirling around in his head like a tornado. He went to the kitchen, grabbed a beer from the fridge and downed it in a few gulps. He grabbed another one and drank it quickly, too. ‘Okay, Dom, get a hold of yourself here. Just breathe, calm down. Breathe in, breathe out. Control. You can do this.’ He finally calmed himself enough to think clearly. He needed to watch the rest of the video, and figure out what to do afterwards. He grabbed another beer, sat back down on the couch, and hit play once more.
“I have a confession to make, Dom. I knew once I made that final decision I would never have the chance to . . . act on what I felt. And you were laying there next to me, so beautiful in your sleep. I couldn’t help myself. I - I kissed you, Dom. I just moved as close as I could, pressed myself up against you - you felt so good - and kissed you full on the mouth. I even let my tongue lick your lips a bit. I can still taste you, Dom, sweet yet not, as unique as the rest of you. But then you moved a bit and I panicked. I pretended to be asleep in case you woke up. But you didn’t. You just pulled me closer in your sleep. And eventually, laying there in the heaven of your arms, I went back to sleep.” Dom reached up and touched his lips. ‘I thought it was just a dream.’
“In the morning we went on as normal. Well, as normal as could be, considering. And for the rest of filming I was content with being your best friend.” Billy sighed again, then rubbed his eyes. He was silent for a few moments, and Dom could tell he was trying not to cry.
Finally, Billy looked back up at the camera. His eyes were filled with tears. “It broke my heart when you decided to move to LA, Dom. I knew we wouldn’t have the same closeness, the same friendship as we would have if you would have gone back to Manchester. We could have seen each other practically every weekend, you know, just a few hours on the train each way. But LA was too far away.
“I nearly begged you not to go. But you were so excited about going there, about what LA could offer you. I couldn’t deny you that, Dommie. I couldn’t be that selfish. So I supported you with your decision. And I smiled and hugged you and said goodbye at the airport. I knew I was losing you, but I still had some small hope that everything would be find, that we’d still be best friends and call each other every day, and visit when we could. Again - a fools hope.
“And LA was a good choice for you. You’ve got your series, and you’re playing a rock star, something you’ve always wanted to be. I’m so proud of you, Dommie, so happy for you . . . .” Billy’s voice cracked and he began to openly cry. Dom couldn’t stop his own tears, either.
“But I am selfish, Dom. And please don’t hate me for saying this, although what does that matter any more, but a part of me had hoped that you would fail. God, I can’t believe I just said that. I wanted you to fail so that you would come home and I could be near you. And I feel horrible for wanting that, because that would hurt you, and I never want to hurt you, Dom.” A sob wracked his body, and it was several minutes before Billy could speak again.
“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend. I just - this video was supposed to just be a way for me to talk to you, to get a few things off my chest and tell you how I feel, but now I know it is more than that. I can’t go on like this, Dommie. I can’t act as if everything is all right when it is not. I’m too torn up inside. It’s not your fault; you didn’t know my feelings, and I’m not blaming you for how I feel. It’s all me - I know that, and I know what I have to do now.
“I have to let go of you, Dom. You’re trying to fly, and I am nothing but an anchor holding you down. So I am cutting the ropes.
“I won’t be calling you any more, or writing you any letters. I will be non-existent in your life - I pretty much am already. I don’t expect you to try to contact me, but if you do I won’t answer. I need to try to move on, to heal the hurts I’ve caused myself. To find some way to live without you. But I will always love you, my Dommie, always.
“So this is it. I’ve rambled on enough, and it’s time to actually say what I think I’ve been trying to say throughout this whole video, what this video means. It’s my final birthday gift to you, my love.
“Goodbye, Dominic Monaghan.”
**********
On the television screen, Billy stood up, walked over to the camera and turned it off. Dom didn’t notice - he had curled up on the sofa, clutching a pillow, and was sobbing uncontrollably.
Title: A Birthday Goodbye
Author:
wbearsmomPairing: BB/DM
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It’s Dom’s birthday. Where is Billy?
Disclaimer: This is so not true
Feedback: Always welcome
Warning: Angsty - very angsty
A/N: Part one of a two part series
Billy was sitting in the kitchen having a morning cup of tea when Dom rushed into the room. “Mornin’, Bills,” Dom said as he pulled open the cabinet door. “Dom” Billy responded.
“Sorry I’ve been such a bad host,” Dom started as he grabbed a package of toaster pastries, “but you know how it is. Shooting runs overtime, then out for a quick drink and I totally lose track of time. I’ll try to be home early tonight.” Billy nodded as Dom grabbed his bag and headed for the door. “See ya later, Bills!”
Billy sighed as he heard the door shut. He had been at Dom’s place in Hawaii for nearly 4 days now, and had seen Dom for a grand total of about 20 minutes. It was always the same excuse - a long day of filming followed by a drink (or six or seven) with his new cast mates during which Dom would lose track of time; then he would get home where Billy would be waiting up for him. Dom would drunkenly mumble an apology and an excuse and head to bed, then rush off to the set again the following morning. Billy had just about had enough.
He had come to Hawaii for Dom’s birthday, which was the next day, and had planned to stay for two weeks. But now Billy wasn’t so sure he wanted to stay; it seemed that Dom couldn’t care less about him being there. Billy had spent the days muddling around the house, going down to the beach, or wandering around town, but always by himself.
He drained the last of his tea and got up to rinse his cup. He went into the living room to watch a little TV while he thought. He sat down on the couch and flipped through the channels, not really seeing what was on, finally turning the TV back off when he couldn’t find anything he could tolerate for more than a few seconds. He leaned his head back and contemplated his situation with Dom.
Eventually Billy came to a decision. If Dom ‘forgot’ about him again that night he would leave the next day. He figured there was no sense in staying where he wasn’t really wanted. He called the airport to find out if there was a flight back to Scotland the next day, get the time for the flight, and confirm that he could exchange his ticket. ‘Well, that’s that,’ he thought. ‘All I can do now is wait.’ He sat back on the couch to try to watch television again, but spied Dom’s camcorder sitting on top of the entertainment center. ‘Ah, change of plans. Something I can do while waiting.’ He got up and grabbed the camera and a blank disc.
**********
Dom came home at 2:00 AM. He walked into the house with another apology on his lips, but Billy wasn’t waiting up for him this time. He walked down the hall and poked his head into the guest room, where Billy was sound asleep. “Sorry, Bills,” he whispered. “I’ll make it up to you. I promise.” He closed the door and went to bed.
**********
When Billy woke up in the morning he realized he really did not want to face Dom. He heard Dom move around the house, getting ready to leave for the day, and pretended to be asleep when Dom opened the door to the guest room to check on him. He heard the bedroom door close quietly, then a few minutes later he heard the front door close and Dom’s car start up and pull away.
He got up, took a shower, dressed, and finished packing. He then went into the kitchen for some breakfast. There was a note on the table from Dom:
Billy -
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. I really tried to make it home early last night. I will make it up to you starting tonight at the party. Don’t forget - 7 PM at the Luau Palace (I know - tacky name). It’s gonna be great!! See ya there - Dom
“No you won’t,” Billy said to himself. He ate his breakfast, did the dishes, called the airport to confirm his flight change, then called a cab.
**********
Dom kept looking around the club. It was 8:00 and Billy hadn’t arrived yet. Dom tried calling the house and Bill’s cel, but had gotten no answer. He wondered if Billy was sick; after all, he hadn’t gotten up for breakfast as usual. He was just about to go home and check on Billy when Josh and Ian grabbed him and threw him out on the dance floor. Several songs (and drinks) later he had forgotten what he was worried about.
**********
Dom woke up the next afternoon with just a bit of a hangover. ‘Thank goodness we didn’t have to shoot today,’ he thought. He got out of bed to take a shower. ‘Wonder what Bill wants to do today. Early enough for surfing - if he’s not too hung over. Wait a minute - he wasn’t at the party last night - I don’t think - where was he?’ He got out of the shower, toweled off and quickly threw on his boxers. He practically ran to the guest room, shouting “Bill? Billy?” He opened the door.
The room was empty. Billy’s bags were gone. Everything was clean, almost pristine, as if no one had even been there. The only thing out of place was a wrapped gift placed in the middle of the neatly made bed.
Dom sat down on the bed and picked up the gift. He unwrapped it and found that it was a book on the plants and animals of Hawaii. Billy knew how he loved nature. He opened the book and something fell out on to his lap. He picked it up and saw that it was one of the DVD-R’s for his camcorder, with a post-it note attached:
Dom wondered what Billy meant by that, but then he had a sneaking suspicion that he knew. He went to the living room, put the disc in the DVD player, and sat down on the couch to watch.
All Dom saw at first was a blurry shot of the sofa coming into focus, then Billy stepped out from behind the camera and sat down in the picture. Looking intently into the camera, Billy started to speak.
“Hello Dom. And happy birthday. I hope you like the book.
“If you are watching this then I am not there. This was recorded with the hope that I don’t have to give this to you - but I guess my hope was only a fool’s hope, and I’m just a fool of a Took. Sorry for the movie ref.
“I am recording this on the seventh while I am waiting for you to come home from work. You promised you wouldn’t forget about me tonight, but you promised me that all week, and you still did, so why should tonight be any different. Anyways - you’re watching this now, which means that you did forget again. I guess I mean so little to you now that you can’t be bothered with me.”
Billy paused and shook his head. “No - wait - that sounds so petty. I don’t mean to whine like this. It’s just - what happened? We’re supposed to be best friends, but since I’ve been here I’ve felt more like a burden. I know you have your friends here, Dom. I would have gladly met up for drinks with you all after filming each day, but you never called to tell me where you were. It feels like you’re ashamed of me, like you don’t think I’d fit in with your new friends or your new lifestyle . . .” Billy sighed. “Like you weren’t just forgetting about me, but that you just don’t want me around any more.”
“Oh, Bills, no - never- you can’t think like that. How could I let you think like that?” Dom said softly to the television - and himself.
On the screen, Billy ran his hands through his hair, then started to speak again. “I probably should have never come to Hawaii in the first place. I just hoped . . . I mean, I knew we were drifting apart - well, more like you were drifting away. You never had time to talk to me anymore. No matter when I called, you were either in the middle of something or going somewhere and couldn’t talk for long. Worse yet, when you didn’t answer at all and I’d leave a message, you would never call me back. In fact, you never called at all. I was always the one calling you. I figured if I came to see you, especially for your birthday, you would have to talk to me then. Stupid assumption on my part. Ignoring me on the phone hurt, Dom, but ignoring me in person hurts so much worse.” Billy gave a wry laugh. “God, I sound like a teenage girl angsting over a boyfriend . . . Ah, well, if the shoe fits . . . sort of.”
‘Huh?’ Dom thought, a bit confused by that last statement.
“Oh, Dommie,” Billy continued, looking a bit like he was going to cry. “If only I’d . . . - but I couldn’t. You were too good a friend. I didn’t want to lose that. But what good did it do me? I still wound up losing you, didn’t I. Well, at least we had the past few years. Might not have had that. Of course - what does that matter now? May as well tell you - or not. I don’t know, Dom. Would you want to know? Would I want to know if I were you?”
‘Know what, Bill? Tell me.’ Dom silently pleaded. He stared at the television, watching as Billy sat with his head in his hands.
“Hell, what have I got to lose anymore?” Billy looked up. It seemed to Dom as if Billy looked right into his eyes. “I am in love with you, Dominic Monaghan. I have been in love with you since the day I met you. And I will always be in love with you.”
“WHAT!!!!” Dom gasped. He quickly hit reverse, then play again. TV Billy looked at him again. “I am in love with you, Dominic Monaghan. I have been in love with you since the day I met you. And I will always be in love with you.”
Dom hit the pause button. “Shit, Billy . . .” He got up and paced around, trying to digest what he had just heard. ‘Billy loves me. Billy loves me. Billy’s in love with me. BILLY is in LOVE with ME!’ Finally, after several minutes, Dom was able to sit down again and watch some more. He hit play.
On-screen!Billy unfroze. “I’ve wanted to say that to you for years. Couldn’t though. Lots of reasons - like I’m straight, you’re straight, we’re best friends - well, we were best friends.
“You’re probably pretty freaked out right now.” Dom gave a snort. Billy continued, “I was certainly freaked when I figured it out. I mean, this kind of thing doesn’t happen every day - to me, anyway. There I was, happily going on with my life when - WHAM. Hit me like a brick wall. Gah - you got me talking in clichés now.
“There’s so much I want to say to you, Dom. Where do I start. At the beginning, I guess. Do you remember when we first met? Elijah and I were getting fitted. There I was in my boxers, with that lovely little seamstress taking some very intimate measurements, when you bounded into the room, ran over to me screaming ‘Pippin!’ and bear-hugged me. I took one look at you, with your shaved head and sweet smile, and I felt my heart begin to beat very fast. I thought it was just excitement at meeting my Merry. I know now that it was my heart giving itself to you.
“The more we got to know each other, the better friends we became. Dom’n’Billy. Merry’n’Pippin. Inseparable. Two halves of the same whole. We heard them all, didn’t we? And we shared just about everything - our flat, clothes, food, and a few girls from the clubs, if I remember correctly.” Billy smirked at that statement. And, oh yeah, Dom remembered.
Dom watched as Billy seemed to get a dreamy look in his eyes. Billy spoke again. “We even shared a bed on occasion - yes, I know, not like THAT! Although I will admit that, well, after I realized, uhm . . . I did think about it, us, what it would be like to, you know . . . . . But I never would act on it. Best friends - wasn’t gonna screw that up. Ugh - bad pun - sorry, Dommie.
“Actually, it was one of those nights when I finally figured out my feelings for you. Do you remember when we were filming the Moria scenes, and that extremely cold night. It felt like it would never end. I was so cold and sick. My feet were nearly frozen solid - hurt so bad I thought I was going to cry. You kept bringing me hot chocolate between takes. We shared a blanket for warmth. And when filming was finally done for the night you drove me home and took care of me. Hot soup, hot tea. You even warmed a towel on the heater then wrapped it around my feet because they were still so cold. But I just couldn’t stop shivering. I couldn’t get warm. I guess I was fevering or something.
“Anyhow, you finally tucked me in bed with an extra blanket or three, and when that still wasn’t enough to warm me up, you climbed into bed with me. You pulled me close up against you and held me until I finally stopped shivering and fell asleep.
“I woke up in the middle of the night. You were still next to me, with your arm around me, sound asleep. I watched you for a long time, Dommie. Watched you breathe, watched you move around as you dreamed. And a thought came into my head - I wondered if you ever dreamed about me. And that was it - the moment when I realized - that I didn’t just love you as a friend. I was IN LOVE with you. And to be honest, it scared the shit outta me.” Both Dom and the on-screen Billy smiled.
“I couldn’t get back to sleep for a long time. My thoughts were just - too much. I mean - realizing that I was in love with you, my best friend, and not just my friend, but a MAN for chrissakes! Like I said before - I’m straight, you’re straight. Straight men don’t fall in love with other straight men, do they?
“Gotta be a fluke, I said to myself. It’s because we’re together constantly, kinda isolated in this wonderland of a place called New Zealand, living out this fantasy of a movie. All these young, attractive guys around. Could make anyone think strange thoughts. But the longer I thought about it, the more I knew that that was wrong. I knew I had these feelings from the start, but hadn’t realized what they were until that moment.
“So then I decided I was going to tell you. Just find the right moment, look you in the eye and say ‘Dom, I’m in love with ya,’ and see what would happen. My hope was that you would tell me you loved me too and grab me and kiss me like I’ve never been kissed before, especially since I’ve never been kissed by a guy before. Then I realized that was not likely to happen, because of the whole - you know - straight thing.
“Okay - maybe your reaction would be the opposite. You would look at me with disgust, then punch me in the face, tell me to fuck off and never speak to me again. Extreme reaction, but might happen.
“Or the third option. You would laugh at me, thinking the I was joking but not really sure. And then you would start to analyze things, every hug, every touch, and wonder if I really was serious. You’d begin to pull away from me, afraid that you might inadvertently encourage my advances. Slowly but surely we’d lose our friendship. I knew this would be what happened - it’s how I would react under the circumstances.
“I wasn’t willing to risk that, Dommie. I didn’t want to lose your friendship. My only choice, then, was to keep quiet. Keep things as they were. I would be happy loving you in secret if I could have your friendship for the rest of my life. Guess that was a pipe dream, too.”
Dom paused the video again. He had begun to cry. ‘Oh Billy, Billy. I didn’t . . . you should have told me. You should have . . .’ He got up off the couch and began to pace again, thoughts and memories whirling around in his head like a tornado. He went to the kitchen, grabbed a beer from the fridge and downed it in a few gulps. He grabbed another one and drank it quickly, too. ‘Okay, Dom, get a hold of yourself here. Just breathe, calm down. Breathe in, breathe out. Control. You can do this.’ He finally calmed himself enough to think clearly. He needed to watch the rest of the video, and figure out what to do afterwards. He grabbed another beer, sat back down on the couch, and hit play once more.
“I have a confession to make, Dom. I knew once I made that final decision I would never have the chance to . . . act on what I felt. And you were laying there next to me, so beautiful in your sleep. I couldn’t help myself. I - I kissed you, Dom. I just moved as close as I could, pressed myself up against you - you felt so good - and kissed you full on the mouth. I even let my tongue lick your lips a bit. I can still taste you, Dom, sweet yet not, as unique as the rest of you. But then you moved a bit and I panicked. I pretended to be asleep in case you woke up. But you didn’t. You just pulled me closer in your sleep. And eventually, laying there in the heaven of your arms, I went back to sleep.” Dom reached up and touched his lips. ‘I thought it was just a dream.’
“In the morning we went on as normal. Well, as normal as could be, considering. And for the rest of filming I was content with being your best friend.” Billy sighed again, then rubbed his eyes. He was silent for a few moments, and Dom could tell he was trying not to cry.
Finally, Billy looked back up at the camera. His eyes were filled with tears. “It broke my heart when you decided to move to LA, Dom. I knew we wouldn’t have the same closeness, the same friendship as we would have if you would have gone back to Manchester. We could have seen each other practically every weekend, you know, just a few hours on the train each way. But LA was too far away.
“I nearly begged you not to go. But you were so excited about going there, about what LA could offer you. I couldn’t deny you that, Dommie. I couldn’t be that selfish. So I supported you with your decision. And I smiled and hugged you and said goodbye at the airport. I knew I was losing you, but I still had some small hope that everything would be find, that we’d still be best friends and call each other every day, and visit when we could. Again - a fools hope.
“And LA was a good choice for you. You’ve got your series, and you’re playing a rock star, something you’ve always wanted to be. I’m so proud of you, Dommie, so happy for you . . . .” Billy’s voice cracked and he began to openly cry. Dom couldn’t stop his own tears, either.
“But I am selfish, Dom. And please don’t hate me for saying this, although what does that matter any more, but a part of me had hoped that you would fail. God, I can’t believe I just said that. I wanted you to fail so that you would come home and I could be near you. And I feel horrible for wanting that, because that would hurt you, and I never want to hurt you, Dom.” A sob wracked his body, and it was several minutes before Billy could speak again.
“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend. I just - this video was supposed to just be a way for me to talk to you, to get a few things off my chest and tell you how I feel, but now I know it is more than that. I can’t go on like this, Dommie. I can’t act as if everything is all right when it is not. I’m too torn up inside. It’s not your fault; you didn’t know my feelings, and I’m not blaming you for how I feel. It’s all me - I know that, and I know what I have to do now.
“I have to let go of you, Dom. You’re trying to fly, and I am nothing but an anchor holding you down. So I am cutting the ropes.
“I won’t be calling you any more, or writing you any letters. I will be non-existent in your life - I pretty much am already. I don’t expect you to try to contact me, but if you do I won’t answer. I need to try to move on, to heal the hurts I’ve caused myself. To find some way to live without you. But I will always love you, my Dommie, always.
“So this is it. I’ve rambled on enough, and it’s time to actually say what I think I’ve been trying to say throughout this whole video, what this video means. It’s my final birthday gift to you, my love.
“Goodbye, Dominic Monaghan.”
**********
On the television screen, Billy stood up, walked over to the camera and turned it off. Dom didn’t notice - he had curled up on the sofa, clutching a pillow, and was sobbing uncontrollably.
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Part 2 on the way