monaboyd | An Ocean Apart part 4/?

Title: An Ocean Apart part 4/?

Author: Sarah (nickelsandcoats )

Rating: PG13 for language

Summary: Billy tells his story to Helen, Dom has a dream

Disclaimer: If you're looking for the truth, go elsewhere.

Beta: The lovely ceartas , who gives me much needed help and encouragement. Thank you so much dear!

The songs at the beginning and end of the chapter are both by Melissa Etheridge. Song 1 is "Breathe" and Song 2 is "Come to My Window." Thank you ceartas for suggesting them. :) I don't own these songs.

EDIT: I completely forgot to link to the otehr parts. They are in my memories, http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=nickelsandcoats&keyword=Fic+by+me&filter=all Thank you to

heather88 for pointing this out.

I played the fool today

I just dream of vanishing into the crowd

Longing for home again

Home, is a feeling I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright

It only hurts when I breathe

And I can't ask for things to be still again

No I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes

Longing for home again

Home, is a feeling I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright

It only hurts when I breathe (x 2)

My window through which nothing hides

And everything sees

I'm counting the signs and cursing the miles in between

Home

Home, is a feeling I buried in you, that I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright

It only hurts when I breathe

I'm alright, I'm alright

It only hurts when I breathe, when I breathe

Yeah, it only hurts when I breathe, when I breathe

Oh,it only hurts when I breathe

"I grew up in a rough part of town. I had a few friends, ones who would stand up for yeh in a second if anyone said anything about yeh. I was loyal back then to everyone I knew; my friends, my neighbors, and especially my family. And then…"

He paused and looked over at Helen. "I ‘ave a really hard time believin’ this now, even after all these years."

"Believe what?"

"That my parents died. My dad when I was thirteen and my mum when I was fourteen. I still have dreams about them, every so often. I dream tha' I’ll wake up and there they’ll be, just in the kitchen. Mum will be makin’ the porridge and Da’ will be sittin’ at the table, readin’ the newspaper to her. Tha' was their mornin’ routine y’ know? Every single mornin‘. And my older sister, Margaret, and I would come to breakfast and hear Da’s voice before we ever got more th’n halfway down the hall." His voice broke and he released Helen’s hands to wipe at his cheeks.

"Oh Billy lad. I’m so sorry. Death is such a terrible burden to bear, especially when it ‘appens while yeh’re young."

"I felt guilty, y’ know. After Mum died. She died o’ a broken heart. We didnae even get to say goodbye to ‘er. Gran called the school and we were driven home. Gran met us at the door and I’ll never forget the look on ‘er face when she told us our mum had died. She had found mum on the kitchen floor, cold and broken. ‘er lips were blue at the funeral. Gran told us the lipstick couldnae cover it because ‘er blood had run blue with tears fer so long."

"What happened to ye and yer sister?"

"We lived with our Gran. I continued on in school until I was sixteen, then dropped out to help support the family. I took up bookbindin'. Sat in a factory fer seven bloody years bindin’ books to help put Margaret through school and pay the bills. I was responsible fer everyone I had left. And tha' responsibility scared me."

"Tha’ was a very noble thing ye did Billy. Givin’ up yer schoolin’ fer yer family, tha’ takes a verreh generous heart."

"It wasnae noble. I gave up my dream of bein’ an actor to make my sister realize her own dreams. I did it fer her."

"It was still very noble no matter what ye think. And why did yer responsibility scare ye? Was it because yeh were not doing anything fer yerself anymore, since everythin' was fer Margaret?"

Billy thought for a moment. "Yes, I suppose it was. Never thought o’ it tha’ way before."

"What did ye do? Ye obviously got yer dream somehow."

"I finally broke down. I applied for drama school and then took my girlfriend off to America fer a year. I was only gone a few months before the RSAMD sent my acceptance letter. Margaret called me, and my girlfriend and I left fer home. I entered school, graduated, and started actin'. For the most part, I worked in the theater, but I did a show for the telly too. Then Peter Jackson and Lord of the Rings came along, and well, here I am. But even leavin’ was just cowardice and selfishness on my part. No, let me explain. I was gettin’ sucked into my job as a bookbinder; I didnae even know who I really was anymore; all I could see was me sittin’ there fer the rest of my life with all those paper cuts and stiff fingers and I panicked. So I ran. Just like I’m doing now. Life is such a vicious cycle, innit?"

"It is indeed. I know tha’ well."

"But I was responsible for my family, and I abandoned them. Granted, Margaret had a job and Gran was well enough financially. I was selfish; all I could care about then was myself and what was happenin' to me, instead of worryin' about my family. I did the same thing with…." he couldn’t say the name. "…him. And God, do I hate myself fer it. But a part o' me feels so…free. Isnae tha’ awful, feelin’ free because I hurt people I love?"

Helen thought for a long time. Then, "No, Billy lad, I donnae think it’s awful. Yeh’re human, tha’s all. And as fer feelin' selfish and carin' about yerself over yer family, it’s only natural. As a person, we all want what is best fer us and us alone first, and then what’s best fer others. Ye were right to leave your job if it wasnae what ye wanted. Ye could feel tha' yeh were destined fer somethin' greater than paper cuts and stiff fingers," she quoted with a smile, "and tha’s just plain old self preservation."

"I still feel horrible fer just leavin’ ‘em like tha‘. Gran never understood why I left a ‘real’ job to act. She always told me tha' I would never make a respectable livin’ by ‘playing around’ with another person’s words. Even after I had steady theater work, she would still predict that I would dry up and regret it. But here I am, despite her dismal outlook."

"Yes, here you are." Helen replied with a sad tone.

A frown twitched over Billy’s face as he shot her an inquisitive look, but she said nothing. They sat in silence, musing on their own thoughts for a long while.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dom finally ushered Elijah out of his flat at 1 o’clock in the morning after refusing several of the younger man’s offers to stay.

"Are you sure you’ll be fine here by yourself?" Elijah asked for the thousandth time as he opened the door.

"Surer than sure."

"You know if you need anything, anything at all, I’m…"

"A phone call away. I know. Thank you for that."

"It’s nothing to thank me for, Dom. We’re hobbits, and we stick together. All of us will get our furry footed Took back to you, that’s what we do. Love you." He pulled Dom into a hug and kissed his cheek.

Dom had tears in his eyes. Dammit, I’m tired of crying. "I hope so. Love you too, little Frodo."

"I know so. Night, Merry." He stepped out into the hall.

"Night, Frodo." The door clapped shut. Dom leaned against it and then slammed his open palms against the smooth wood. "Fuck!" he shouted.

Elijah heard him and nearly went back to the apartment. Then he shook himself. He’ll be more mad at me if I go back and interrupt his private grief than if I pretend that I never heard him. His shoes slapped softly on the hallway carpet and clattered loudly on the wooden stairs as he left the building and got in his car.

Dom leaned against the door for a few more minutes before he finally turned and headed for the bathroom to brush his teeth. After shrugging off his clothes and turning down the covers, he found himself startled by the fact that there was still was only one pillow on the bed. Struck anew by his loss, Dom collapsed onto the bed and cried into his pillow, squashing it under his face. Finally, an hour later, he managed to fall asleep. But it was so very hard to sleep without an arm draped around his waist and soft red hair under his fingers.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Billy was the one to break their silence, with a seemingly useless fact; "I couldnae stand to wear a wool dress jacket after Mum’s funeral, and I know it was years before I wore a black kilt again. Couldnae bear to touch a wool jacket and remember 'ow it felt tha’ day when I knew I was truly alone in the world. My parents were gone and now I had to be the strong one, leave my feelings behind and support what was left of my family. I haven’t worn wool jackets since; all my jackets had to be either silk or cashmere, never wool. Hard to do in Scotland."

Helen chuckled. "No, I imagine it was hard. I’m sure you offended every shopkeeper you talked to about havin’ your coat be something other than their precious wool."

"I did." He smiled, but it faded away with his next words. "I got quite a shock the first time Dom wore a wool jacket. It was at one of the Fellowship premieres, after we had been dating fer a long time. He didnae know, o' course, tha’ wool jackets would trigger such a response from me, but then again, I didnae either. Surprised us both when I reached over to get his attention and just about screamed and broke down on the red carpet. Everyone told me later that I got really pale and sweaty. Dom said I was shakin‘, but I cannae remember any of it. All I remember is feelin’ like I was fourteen again, with all the grief and emptiness tha’ came with it. And tha’ was when I saw something."

"What did you see, lad?" Quietly.

"I saw….many things. I saw Dom and I standin’ together and repeatin’ our vows, twirlin’ little girls into the air, girls tha’ had my eyes and his nose. I saw us sittin’ on a porch holdin’ hands and wishin’ on the stars, our wedding bands glimmerin’ in the moonlight." He took a breath. "But then I saw Dom leavin’ me, could hear my heart shatterin‘. Saw myself leavin’ him, my face hard and his crumpling‘. I could see us sittin’ on opposite sides of the world drinkin’ ourselves into somethin' like forgetfulness. I saw him dying, bleeding, and I wasnae there to hold him. I wasnae there, and yet some part of me was glad. Glad! At the time, I would have killed myself than be glad to see my Dommeh in such pain. I…donnae understand. I never thought any o' those bad things would ‘appen to us, but here I am on a plane leavin’ my heart behind."

"But why are ye here, Billy? It sounds to me like yeh donnae want to be here, so why are ye here?"

Long silence. "Because I am so afraid o’ what tha' first vision showed me."

"Afraid!" Helen yelled loudly enough to cause several nearby passengers to look over at them. "Afraid!" she exclaimed quietly. "What ye saw is what most people would die to have. How can ye be afraid of tha‘?!"

He looked back over at her. "I seem to be bad luck. Everyone that I get close to dies: my parents, my Gran. I’ve even pulled away from Margaret these past years because I donnae want anything to happen to her or her family. I can’t stand to see Dom die because o' me and my run of bad luck."

"That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Yeh’re afraid to commit to someone who obviously loves you more than anything’ just because yeh’re scared that bein’ with ye will cause him to die? I cannae believe tha‘. Yeh had everythin’ and yeh threw it away."

"I ran away from him because I gave so much of myself to him that if anything’ ever happened to him, it would kill me! Donnae you ken? I cannae live without him, but I cannae pull him down with me."

"What do ye think ye just did to him Billy? By leaving, ye killed him more surely than if yeh had stayed. Yeh took away such a large part of him that he cannae live without it. I hope yer proud of yerself, because yeh jus’ did the one thing that’ll kill him."

Billy found that he could not respond to that.

~~~~~~~~~

Dom was always restless when he slept, tossing and turning the whole night. He’d feel guilty in the mornings when he awoke and found himself sprawled all over Billy, would give his lover a sheepish grin and apologize, but Billy would just grin and kiss the end of his nose. Then he would tell Dom, ‘the great oaf,’ to get off him so he could go make his porridge and boil the water for Dom’s tea.

But Dom’s dreams were what haunted him every night; were the reason why he was so restless and often kept him up half the night because they were so vivid, so real. Tonight was no exception, except that there was no soft Scottish burr in his ear to lull him and ease him down a different path. No, tonight was torture, plain and simple.

Billy was walking down the beach, right at the tide line, water splashing around his ankles as he strode along easily. He shaded his eyes with one hand to better see the crashing waves, while the other was balled up into a tight fist at his side. He seemed to be looking for something. Dom ran up behind him, but found that for every step he took, Billy was going twice that distance away from him. It wasn’t until he really looked at him that he realized what Billy was wearing; Dom’s own red jumper that Billy loved so. He insisted that it was the most comfortable snuggle jumper known to man, so Dom had taken to wearing around the flat as often as possible. That simple gesture had never failed to earn him a huge Billy grin and long cuddle on the sofa. Dom felt fabric swishing around his knees from the stiff ocean breeze and looked down to see that he was wearing Billy’s black kilt and a black wool jacket with a black Oxford shirt under it. He stopped where he was, disconcerted by the fabric brushing his knees, and called out to Billy, who had also stopped. "What are you looking for, Bills?" He shouted, the wind whipping his words away from his mouth.

Billy turned around. "Comfort. Understanding. Love."

"I gave you all that."

Green eyes met his. "I know."

"So why did you leave?"

Billy looked out to sea again. Now he was wearing his black shirt, wool jacket, and the kilt was slapping against his knees. Dom glanced down and saw that he was now wearing the red jumper. "I left because I couldnae stand to see yeh fall with me."

"What on earth do you mean?"

Billy stepped closer. "I’ve lost myself Dom. I’ve lost everythin’ and I cannae let it happen to yeh too."

"Without you here, I HAVE lost everything."

Billy just gave him a sad smile. "Yeh don’t understand."

"Make me understand."

"Yeh cannae see what I can see, Dom."

"What can you see? Tell me and I’ll try to see it."

"Yeh cannae."

"I can. Let me try to understand!"

"Yeh cannae."

"I will if you’d just bloody tell me!"

Billy sighed and stepped closer to him, their chests barely touching. He reached up and wiped away a stray tear from Dom’s cheek. The familiar gesture was at once touching and painful. "Open yer eyes."

"What?"

"Open yer eyes and ye will see."

"See what?"

"The key."

"The key to what?"

"To me."

"Wait! Billy, I don’t understand!"

But Billy had disappeared and he was now staring at an empty beach. He looked down and saw a silvery glint in the sand. He bent to pick it up.

Dom snapped awake and looked over his clock. 4:15. He rubbed his face and muttered "Damn." Then his eyes widened as he saw Billy’s engagement band shimmering silver in the wan moonlight. Things began to fall into place as understanding blossomed in his mind. He picked the ring up and clenched it tightly in his palm as sleep took him away.

This time, there were no dreams.

Come to my window
Crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon
Come to my window
I'll be home soon (Chorus)

I would dial the numbers
Just to listen to your breath
I would stand inside my hell
And hold the hand of death
You don't know how far I'd go
To ease this precious ache
You don't know how much I'd give
Or how much I can take

Just to reach you (x 2)

Chorus

Keeping my eyes open
I cannot afford to sleep
Giving away promises
I know that I can't keep
Nothing fills the blackness
That has seeped into my chest
I need you in my blood
I am forsaking all the rest
Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Oh to reach you

Chorus

I don't care what they think
I don't care what they say
What do they know about this love anyway

Chorus

Cross posted to monaboyd , fellow_shippers , and my lj.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Date: 2004-08-30 11:27 pm (UTC)

From:

lyss-monaghan.livejournal.com

no subject

And you stop there.

Right there.

You continue soon, yeh hear? lol <33333

Date: 2004-08-31 07:42 am (UTC)

nickelsandcoats.livejournal.com

Lol! Sorry. I will continue soon, in fact I have part 5 in a tentative outline. Thanks for reading!

Date: 2004-08-31 01:42 am (UTC)

heather88.livejournal.com

Wow, I really loved that. Where I can I find the first 3 parts?

Date: 2004-08-31 07:41 am (UTC)

Thank you! And thanks for pointing out to me htat in my tiredness last night I forgot to put in the link for the rest of the parts. So the previous 3 parts are here: http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=nickelsandcoats&keyword=Fic+by+me&filter=all I am so sorry about that. HOpe you enjoy the other parts as well!

Date: 2004-08-31 09:04 am (UTC)

Thanks, can't wait to read them!

Date: 2004-08-31 11:06 pm (UTC)

Bwah! I just read the previous installments (doing schoolwork is teh uber suck) and can I just say this: HOLYFREAKINGWOW. Love it, love you, love everything about you.

Date: 2004-09-01 08:47 am (UTC)

*turns 990782748625 shades of red* Loves you too! Schoolwork does tend to get in the way of what's really importnat, like reading and writing fanfic doesn't it....

Thank you so much! I'm very glad that you like the beginning of this litle story o' mine.