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Title: If I Die (part 19)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dani_grl4
Pairing: Dom/Billy
Rating: R
Disclaimer: So glad this isn't true.
Feedback: Is very appreciated. Okay I'm a h0r! for it. Smooches to all those who have given such lovely feedback so far.
Warning: Angst. As ever, despite the title, there is no death.
Summary: Billy and Dom aren't the only ones in pain.
A/N: Hugs and chocolate tocanciona who has lovingly beta'ed 19 of these chapters. Hard to believe there are so many, especially when there were originally only supposed to be 10! The next chapter is the last one, folks. We're almost there!
Prologue, Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9a / Part 9b / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15 / Part 16 / Part 17 / Part 18
Chapter 19
The word ‘boredom’ doesn’t exactly capture what he’s feeling at the moment. At least, he doesn’t think he’s bored, anyway. Whatever it is, Elijah can’t seem to sit still for all the trying in the world.
“I must have picked this nervous, twitchy shit up from Dom,” he says aloud to himself. “Bastard.”
Thoughts of having a go on his Playstation cross his mind, but he knows he’ll be twitching and desperate to get up in no time. Same goes for listening to music, straightening up, having a nap, and just about anything else he can think of to occupy his time.
If he’s honest with himself (and he can’t even sit still long enough to do that) he sort of knows what’s bothering him. It’s that it feels weird to live alone after spending so many months living with Dom, taking care of him. Having a purpose. Now he just plain doesn’t know what to do with himself. He can scarcely recall what his day-to-day activities were or what occupied most of his time before Billy’s kidnapping. The sadness that seems to have taken over all of their lives is unsettling, to put it mildly. He can neither stand the thought of all that pain contained within two people who so clearly don’t deserve it, nor can he stand being helpless to do anything to take away that pain for them.
Sure, he could go over there and offer some gesture of support – some semblance of cheer. But Dom and Billy really only need each other now, and there isn’t a hell of a lot Elijah can do anyway. But he wants to, he wants to because he feels as though in some way he’s losing them – Dom and Billy – his best friends. It’s as though nothing will be quite the same because of what happened, and he can feel it pressing down on him like a great weight he can no longer support by himself.
It crosses Elijah’s mind that he may actually be going slightly mental, because sometimes he can feel it in his skin, and it itches, and he can’t get away from the pounding in his chest or the shaking of his hands.
He doesn’t stop pacing, even when his phone rings. Simply grabs it off the base and continues to pace as he presses the ‘On’ button.
“Hello?” Pace. Pace. Pace. Back and forth.
“Hey, Lij. It’s Viggo.”
Glorious preoccupation. Viggo can talk his ear off for hours and give him something to finally concentrate on. “Viggo, hey. What’s up?”
“Not a lot. Just wanted to see how you’re doing. Haven’t heard from you in a while.”
Even though he says all of this very casually, Elijah can tell this is Viggo’s ‘subtle’ way of asking him what's wrong, point-blank. And exactly how Viggo knows something is wrong, how he knows, just escapes Elijah. He’s gone for weeks without talking to Viggo at times, and he never got this phone call before. Elijah isn’t bothered, and in fact is so grateful for it now that he feels as though he might cry. Of all the people he can think of, Viggo is the likeliest candidate to sort out whatever the hell is wrong with him.
“Thank fuck for your beautiful instincts, Viggo. Can you come over? I think I’m going to need a padded cell soon.”
Viggo laughs but doesn’t bother asking him what’s wrong just yet. He’s more of a face-to-face conversationalist, anyway, and Elijah’s more likely to open up to Viggo if he’s sat right there in front of him. Besides, Viggo will bring beer, and any sedative he can get his hands on has got to be good.
“Of course. I’ll be there soon,” Viggo says. Then adds: “You going to be alright until I get there?”
“I’ll be fine,” he says, knowing he probably will have climbed the walls by then.
Elijah decides to wait for Viggo outside. For one, he thinks the fresh air will do him some good, and he always prefers to smoke outside, anyway, even though he lives alone. He lies on the grass in his backyard and stares up at the grey sky, chain-smoking, without keeping count. Mercifully, he’s managed to stop twitching or shaking his leg back and forth (That’s definitely a Dom thing, he thinks), or biting his nails, or pulling at his hair. He just relaxes, and wonders why it took him so damn long to figure out that maybe he should talk to someone about how he’s feeling.
In all likelihood, it took him this long because normally he’d go straight to Dom with a problem. Since that isn’t an option at the moment, he assumed he’d have to sort it out on his own, or wait for Dom to become available. Which is stupid, because he knows there are many people that care about him, who would help him if he asked for it. But it’s further evidence to Elijah that things are changing, and he can’t quite get on board with that.
Viggo pulls into the driveway, gets out of his car and silently sits down in the grass beside Elijah. He wordlessly opens one of the beers he brought along and offers it to Elijah, who gratefully accepts. Thank God not everything has changed. Elijah can still count on Viggo to be a considerate visitor who brings beverages to share.
They sit quietly for a couple of minutes, Elijah lighting up yet another cigarette but not bothering to touch the beer, though he’ll be glad for it later.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Elijah starts off slowly, in a voice that’s not quite as steady as he’d like. “It’s like…it’s like I feel anxious all the time. I worry about Dom. I worry about his ability to cope. I worry about Billy. God, I worry about Billy.”
“Sounds like you’re doing a lot of worrying there,” Viggo says.
“I guess I am.” Elijah bites his lip until it’s almost bloodied before he continues. “I have no idea what the fuck happened to Billy. And I don’t want to know, not really, but I’m imagining all these truly horrendous things. I dream about it, Vig. I can hear Billy crying out sometimes in my head, and I just can’t shake these images anymore. It’s like they’re invading my goddamn mind, all the time, every fucking day. And it doesn’t stop and-”
Viggo interrupts because Elijah is rambling now, and he thinks it might do him some good to know he’s not crazy, and in fact, is not the only one feeling this way.
“I get what you’re saying, Lij. And I feel that way sometimes, too, you know. We all do.”
“You do?” Elijah turns on his side, and props himself up on one elbow to face Viggo. “Why hasn’t anyone said anything?”
“I’m not sure.” Viggo’s quiet for a while, and Elijah starts to think that maybe that was the end of it, maybe Viggo doesn’t know, and he feels supremely disappointed. He needs someone to give him some sort of answer here before he loses it completely. Luckily for him, Viggo isn’t in fact done.
“Maybe we’re all trying to move past it, you know?” Elijah suspects Viggo’s been doing a lot of soul-searching, much like himself. Of course Viggo would have adopted a more calm approach to his ruminations.
“Perhaps we all subconsciously think that our misery isn’t anywhere near what Dom and Billy are feeling, and that we should just be damn grateful for what we have. So we just choose not to talk about how we feel about what happened,” Viggo adds.
Elijah once again thinks Viggo may be done, but he continues. “I’ve watched you, Elijah. I’ve watched you be strong for Dom for months. I admire your strength, your dedication, and your unconditional love for a friend in need. But you have to understand that there is only so much that you can do. There’s a limit to what extent you can make things better. I think you’re making yourself sick trying to undo things that can’t ever be undone.”
Elijah resumes his position on his back to contemplate Viggo’s words. He stares at the sky for a long time, not particularly caring that it’s starting to drizzle. Viggo didn’t really say anything he doesn’t already know. Not really. He knows he is fighting a losing battle, trying to make it all better, when he can’t make something like that better, ever, because it is what it is and it will never really disappear. Sure, in time the pain may lessen. For all of them, he hopes. But Elijah knows it will always be there, underlying everything they do. Waiting to rear its ugly head. And Elijah doesn’t know if he can just sit back and live with that. Yet, what other choice does he have?
When Elijah doesn’t respond, Viggo continues, gently. “You’re a good person, Elijah. I know how much you were hurting when Billy was kidnapped. Everyone noticed Dom’s pain, rightly, but I watched you as well. I saw you struggle to be strong for Dom. That must have been draining.”
Elijah shrugs, sitting up to swallow half of his beer in one go, before letting himself fall back on the now-damp grass. “I had to. What else could I do?”
“Well, you could have let us help you more. I know you wanted to be there for him, in case he needed someone, but there were other people around who care about Dom just as much, who would have gladly been by his side, anytime. All the time, if we had to. Why did you think you had to do it alone?”
Elijah closes his eyes and shakes his head. He feels the familiar stinging in his eyes, and his first instinct is to not fucking cry, because he’s been telling himself that since the first time he saw Dom break down after Billy was kidnapped. It was almost automatic now, stopping the tears before they start, and yet he feels strangely comfortable crying in front of Viggo. No, not comfortable – relieved.
“I’m not sure,” he says in a surprisingly controlled and contemplative voice. He opens his eyes as the tears flow freely now. “I am such a hypocrite. There I was telling Dom to be strong, and all the while I secretly wanted to curl up in a ball, just like he did.”
“Lij, that’s not being a hypocrite. Dom needed that support, he needed you to be strong then and you were. Stronger than I’ve ever seen you.”
“And…now? How can I be strong for him when I can’t be strong for myself anymore? I think I’m losing it, Vig.”
“You don’t have to be strong now, Elijah. Dom’s not here,” Viggo reminds him. “It’s just me and you can be however you want to be.”
“I think,” Elijah says in a voice that finally mirrors how he feels - shaky and broken, “that I just want to lean on you for a while, if that’s okay.”
Viggo nods as Elijah moves closer to him and puts his head on Viggo’s chest. Viggo puts an arm around Elijah’s trembling shoulders, and lets him cry for a long while.
“Did you ever imagine what it would be like if Billy had died?” Elijah asks once his breathing returns to normal and he finally manages to find his voice.
“Every day. It would have been the end of the Fellowship. Doesn’t seem right to still have called it that without Billy,” Viggo says.
“Do you ever think the Fellowship has been shaken so much that it won’t be the same, even though we got Billy back?”
“No. No, I don’t, Elijah.” And he truly believes that in his heart.
“I think that sometimes,” Elijah admits, quietly. Ashamed.
“Things will get better. But there’s nothing you can do to rush it. It’s going to take a long time and you have to be patient. Be there for support, be a friend when they need one. And let others be a friend to you when you need one.”
Elijah smiles and sits up, wiping his face dry. “Yeah, I think I will. Thanks for this.”
“You should know by now we don’t give up on one of our own.” Viggo smiles and playfully pushes Elijah’s shoulder with his own.
And Elijah smiles too, because it’s nice to be reassured that there are people out there caring about him with the same unwavering intensity with which he cares for his friends.
“I think maybe I’ll go see them. I haven’t been over there in a while. In the meantime, hand me another beer, will you?”
As he pulls up to their house later that afternoon, Elijah thinks that perhaps he should have called first. It never occurred to him to do so in the past, but when he sees Dom sitting outside, alone and smoking, he knows something isn’t right. Viggo’s sage advice is gone from his mind and he’s left with that fear again that he is losing his best friends. He grabs the fresh pack of beer he’d picked up on his way over and heads towards the house.
“Well, this is new. Smoking now, are we?” Elijah asks as he approaches Dom.
“I’ve smoked before,” Dom says, without looking at him. “You know, I was just thinking of coming to see you.” It isn’t a lie. When Billy said he wanted to be on his own, he couldn’t think of where he should go, except maybe to see Elijah. Somehow he couldn’t make himself leave the house though, so he’d compromised and sat outside, thinking. Just as Billy had suggested.
“Oh? Well I must have read your mind. And Dom, you only smoke when we go out. Where did you even get cigarettes from?”
“They’re old. And stale.”
Elijah nods and thinks to himself that something’s happened, and most likely it’s significant and painful. Normally he wouldn’t do this but he takes Dom’s stale cigarette out of his mouth and hands him one of his fresh ones instead.
“Wanna talk about it?”
Dom shakes his head, focusing on the horrible taste of the clove Elijah’s just handed to him, which he hates but doesn’t really taste right now, anyway.
Fortunately, Elijah remembers Viggo’s advice about not trying to fix everything. Which proves to be especially useful right now, since he has no hope of finding the answer to fixing what’s wrong between Dom and Billy. “Right. But you know that when you want to talk, I’ll be here for you, yes?”
“I know that, Elijah. I know,” he says, kindly. Dom throws the cigarette on the concrete in front of him and looks suspiciously at the package Elijah’s holding. “So, you brought beer. You haven’t let me within ten feet of alcohol in months.”
“Want one?” Elijah offers.
“Nah, not right now,” Dom says.
“Where’s Billy?”
“Inside. Thinking. Alone. Or at least that’s what he says he’s doing, but who knows really, because he wants to be alone, so there’s no telling what he’s up to.”
Ouch. “Did you guys have a fight?”
“No. But I was told to go away and leave him alone for a bit. For my own good,” Dom says, bitterly. “Though, how the hell this translates into being good for me, I’ve no idea. Do I look good to you, Lij?”
“Not particularly. No,” Elijah says, his voice soft.
“I don’t feel particularly good,” Dom says quietly.
“Can I ask what Billy’s thinking about?”
“I’d imagine he’s trying to figure out a way that we can have sex again without him having a traumatic flashback in the middle of it, starring me as the molesting kidnapper.”
Elijah feels the all-too familiar tightness developing in his chest. “Dommie. I’m-” Sorry? Useless fucking words, Elijah. “Dom, do you want to talk to me about this?” he asks instead.
Dom looks down at his hands miserably, and gives Elijah a slow nod.
“Okay.” Elijah scoots closer to Dom and takes one of the hands he’s fixated on, placing it between both of his.
Dom continues to stare at his hand, now clasped between Elijah’s, whose hands are sporting raw and bloodied cuticles worse than Dom's ever seen. He makes a mental note to ask him about that later. “We went to therapy. First time for both of us.”
When Dom doesn’t continue, Elijah thinks maybe he needs a bit of coaxing. “That’s great news, Dom.”
“For me, it was good,” Dom agrees. “It was a really good start. But for Billy, I think maybe it set him back a bit.”
“How so?” Elijah asks.
“I think Billy’s doctor tried to explain to him that the healing process would be long and hard and not without some trauma along the way. But our Billy, being the stubborn bugger that he is, tried to prove that he could recover faster. And I, being the idiot that I am, didn’t see that Billy was on a mission with something to prove, and I let him get hurt.”
“Dom, I don’t really know the details, and you don’t have to tell me, but it doesn’t sound like there’s any way you could have known what Billy was up to.”
“We were getting a lot closer, physically, you know, and he just freaked out on me, Lij.”
“Oh,” Elijah moans, more than says, because he knows what’s coming, sort of, and he is certain he’s about to start twitching again very soon.
“I thought he was enjoying himself. Turned out when he, you know, when he came, he saw Tony’s face. Not mine.”
Elijah just barely catches the hurt tone in Dom’s voice before he fully gets what happened.
Oh. Oh, God. “Jesus, Dom. I don’t know what to say.” He watches Dom closely as he continues to speak.
“On the one hand, I feel like after what he’s told me, it’s going to be so hard for us to get past this, but then again, I feel almost relieved. Like, now I have all the information and we can deal with what’s there, with what’s real, instead of these vague nightmares and shadows of things I didn’t really understand. Billy was worried that once he told me everything, I might think less of him, or not want him anymore. Can you imagine that? I can’t really understand why he’d think that. After what he’s told me, it only makes me want to hold him closer and to hang on to him more tightly than I ever have.”
“Have you said this to Billy?”
“Yeah, I did. And I thought he believed me. But then he said he wanted to be alone to think, and I’m not sure what that means. If he’s just sorting stuff out, or if he doesn’t believe me, or if he’s still having flashbacks.”
“Billy’s practical, Dom. He’d believe you if you told him that you love him more than ever. He’ll get that,” Elijah assures him.
Dom nods slowly. “He would, wouldn’t he? I just don’t want to underestimate how much this experience has changed him, Lij. I don’t even know the extent of it. Hell, he doesn’t know, I don’t think.”
Elijah definitely can’t imagine coming up with a solution to this one. He lets go of Dom’s hand to reach for the beer instead. “I think you need one of these today. You’ve earned it, so I’m officially ending your alcohol abstinence.”
“Thanks, Mum! It’s about time.” Dom actually smiles. “You know you owe me a lot more than this for all the alcohol you took from my place, not to mention all the alcohol you wouldn’t let me purchase these past few months,” he smirks.
“That was for your own good!” Elijah objects.
“Exactly. You sound like my mum.” Dom says, simply.
“Cunt. Here, drink this. Maybe it’ll make you into a pleasant human being. Or put you to sleep, I don’t much care either way.”
Dom swats Elijah on his head, but smiles gratefully as he takes the beer and joins his friend in a drink.
Billy watches Dom and Elijah from the window seat in their bedroom.
At first, he had simply been watching Dom. Alone and smoking. Dom was smoking, and he knew that meant Dom was upset, because Dom hates smoking, and only does it to fit in when others are smoking, or to give his hands and mouth something to do when he’s pissed at some club. And even then, that only applied to when Billy was out of town, because when he was at the club as well, both Dom’s hands and mouth were perfectly occupied.
Wow, that seems like a lifetime ago.
He had watched curiously as Elijah sat down and listened intently as Dom spoke about something, shoulders slumped, shaking his head slowly. He had guessed Dom was probably telling Elijah a bit about last night, and that didn’t bother him. Elijah’s their best mate, and if Dom needs someone to talk to, then it’s only natural that person be Elijah, if it wasn't Billy.
Billy does, however, find himself surprised when he sees them laughing together a bit later. He smiles as he watches Dom playfully hit Elijah and can see, but can’t hear, Elijah giggle, though he can hear it as clear as a bell in his mind. And he never thought he’d say it but it feels good to imagine Elijah giggling. It feels good and right seeing Dom be himself. So happy.
It suddenly occurs to Billy that he too is laughing – out loud, no less – watching Dom and Elijah get progressively drunker and sillier. It feels so damn good to see Dom enjoying himself, and that’s when it hits him.
I’m bloody lucky to be here to see this.
Things could have been immensely different, and he would have never seen Dom laugh again, or heard Elijah giggle, or visited his sister in Glasgow when LA got to be too much for him. But the point is he can experience all those things now. And he wonders if perhaps that’s precisely where he’s meant to get his strength to go on.
He finds himself smiling merrily, and opens the window in time to see Dom fall over in the grass, laughing hysterically at something Elijah said or did. Billy finally feels like he’s been granted a piece of his old life back, watching this scene, and it makes him almost euphoric with relief.
Author:
dani_grl4Pairing: Dom/Billy
Rating: R
Disclaimer: So glad this isn't true.
Feedback: Is very appreciated. Okay I'm a h0r! for it. Smooches to all those who have given such lovely feedback so far.
Warning: Angst. As ever, despite the title, there is no death.
Summary: Billy and Dom aren't the only ones in pain.
A/N: Hugs and chocolate to
canciona who has lovingly beta'ed 19 of these chapters. Hard to believe there are so many, especially when there were originally only supposed to be 10! The next chapter is the last one, folks. We're almost there!Prologue, Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9a / Part 9b / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15 / Part 16 / Part 17 / Part 18
Chapter 19
The word ‘boredom’ doesn’t exactly capture what he’s feeling at the moment. At least, he doesn’t think he’s bored, anyway. Whatever it is, Elijah can’t seem to sit still for all the trying in the world.
“I must have picked this nervous, twitchy shit up from Dom,” he says aloud to himself. “Bastard.”
Thoughts of having a go on his Playstation cross his mind, but he knows he’ll be twitching and desperate to get up in no time. Same goes for listening to music, straightening up, having a nap, and just about anything else he can think of to occupy his time.
If he’s honest with himself (and he can’t even sit still long enough to do that) he sort of knows what’s bothering him. It’s that it feels weird to live alone after spending so many months living with Dom, taking care of him. Having a purpose. Now he just plain doesn’t know what to do with himself. He can scarcely recall what his day-to-day activities were or what occupied most of his time before Billy’s kidnapping. The sadness that seems to have taken over all of their lives is unsettling, to put it mildly. He can neither stand the thought of all that pain contained within two people who so clearly don’t deserve it, nor can he stand being helpless to do anything to take away that pain for them.
Sure, he could go over there and offer some gesture of support – some semblance of cheer. But Dom and Billy really only need each other now, and there isn’t a hell of a lot Elijah can do anyway. But he wants to, he wants to because he feels as though in some way he’s losing them – Dom and Billy – his best friends. It’s as though nothing will be quite the same because of what happened, and he can feel it pressing down on him like a great weight he can no longer support by himself.
It crosses Elijah’s mind that he may actually be going slightly mental, because sometimes he can feel it in his skin, and it itches, and he can’t get away from the pounding in his chest or the shaking of his hands.
He doesn’t stop pacing, even when his phone rings. Simply grabs it off the base and continues to pace as he presses the ‘On’ button.
“Hello?” Pace. Pace. Pace. Back and forth.
“Hey, Lij. It’s Viggo.”
Glorious preoccupation. Viggo can talk his ear off for hours and give him something to finally concentrate on. “Viggo, hey. What’s up?”
“Not a lot. Just wanted to see how you’re doing. Haven’t heard from you in a while.”
Even though he says all of this very casually, Elijah can tell this is Viggo’s ‘subtle’ way of asking him what's wrong, point-blank. And exactly how Viggo knows something is wrong, how he knows, just escapes Elijah. He’s gone for weeks without talking to Viggo at times, and he never got this phone call before. Elijah isn’t bothered, and in fact is so grateful for it now that he feels as though he might cry. Of all the people he can think of, Viggo is the likeliest candidate to sort out whatever the hell is wrong with him.
“Thank fuck for your beautiful instincts, Viggo. Can you come over? I think I’m going to need a padded cell soon.”
Viggo laughs but doesn’t bother asking him what’s wrong just yet. He’s more of a face-to-face conversationalist, anyway, and Elijah’s more likely to open up to Viggo if he’s sat right there in front of him. Besides, Viggo will bring beer, and any sedative he can get his hands on has got to be good.
“Of course. I’ll be there soon,” Viggo says. Then adds: “You going to be alright until I get there?”
“I’ll be fine,” he says, knowing he probably will have climbed the walls by then.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Elijah decides to wait for Viggo outside. For one, he thinks the fresh air will do him some good, and he always prefers to smoke outside, anyway, even though he lives alone. He lies on the grass in his backyard and stares up at the grey sky, chain-smoking, without keeping count. Mercifully, he’s managed to stop twitching or shaking his leg back and forth (That’s definitely a Dom thing, he thinks), or biting his nails, or pulling at his hair. He just relaxes, and wonders why it took him so damn long to figure out that maybe he should talk to someone about how he’s feeling.
In all likelihood, it took him this long because normally he’d go straight to Dom with a problem. Since that isn’t an option at the moment, he assumed he’d have to sort it out on his own, or wait for Dom to become available. Which is stupid, because he knows there are many people that care about him, who would help him if he asked for it. But it’s further evidence to Elijah that things are changing, and he can’t quite get on board with that.
Viggo pulls into the driveway, gets out of his car and silently sits down in the grass beside Elijah. He wordlessly opens one of the beers he brought along and offers it to Elijah, who gratefully accepts. Thank God not everything has changed. Elijah can still count on Viggo to be a considerate visitor who brings beverages to share.
They sit quietly for a couple of minutes, Elijah lighting up yet another cigarette but not bothering to touch the beer, though he’ll be glad for it later.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Elijah starts off slowly, in a voice that’s not quite as steady as he’d like. “It’s like…it’s like I feel anxious all the time. I worry about Dom. I worry about his ability to cope. I worry about Billy. God, I worry about Billy.”
“Sounds like you’re doing a lot of worrying there,” Viggo says.
“I guess I am.” Elijah bites his lip until it’s almost bloodied before he continues. “I have no idea what the fuck happened to Billy. And I don’t want to know, not really, but I’m imagining all these truly horrendous things. I dream about it, Vig. I can hear Billy crying out sometimes in my head, and I just can’t shake these images anymore. It’s like they’re invading my goddamn mind, all the time, every fucking day. And it doesn’t stop and-”
Viggo interrupts because Elijah is rambling now, and he thinks it might do him some good to know he’s not crazy, and in fact, is not the only one feeling this way.
“I get what you’re saying, Lij. And I feel that way sometimes, too, you know. We all do.”
“You do?” Elijah turns on his side, and props himself up on one elbow to face Viggo. “Why hasn’t anyone said anything?”
“I’m not sure.” Viggo’s quiet for a while, and Elijah starts to think that maybe that was the end of it, maybe Viggo doesn’t know, and he feels supremely disappointed. He needs someone to give him some sort of answer here before he loses it completely. Luckily for him, Viggo isn’t in fact done.
“Maybe we’re all trying to move past it, you know?” Elijah suspects Viggo’s been doing a lot of soul-searching, much like himself. Of course Viggo would have adopted a more calm approach to his ruminations.
“Perhaps we all subconsciously think that our misery isn’t anywhere near what Dom and Billy are feeling, and that we should just be damn grateful for what we have. So we just choose not to talk about how we feel about what happened,” Viggo adds.
Elijah once again thinks Viggo may be done, but he continues. “I’ve watched you, Elijah. I’ve watched you be strong for Dom for months. I admire your strength, your dedication, and your unconditional love for a friend in need. But you have to understand that there is only so much that you can do. There’s a limit to what extent you can make things better. I think you’re making yourself sick trying to undo things that can’t ever be undone.”
Elijah resumes his position on his back to contemplate Viggo’s words. He stares at the sky for a long time, not particularly caring that it’s starting to drizzle. Viggo didn’t really say anything he doesn’t already know. Not really. He knows he is fighting a losing battle, trying to make it all better, when he can’t make something like that better, ever, because it is what it is and it will never really disappear. Sure, in time the pain may lessen. For all of them, he hopes. But Elijah knows it will always be there, underlying everything they do. Waiting to rear its ugly head. And Elijah doesn’t know if he can just sit back and live with that. Yet, what other choice does he have?
When Elijah doesn’t respond, Viggo continues, gently. “You’re a good person, Elijah. I know how much you were hurting when Billy was kidnapped. Everyone noticed Dom’s pain, rightly, but I watched you as well. I saw you struggle to be strong for Dom. That must have been draining.”
Elijah shrugs, sitting up to swallow half of his beer in one go, before letting himself fall back on the now-damp grass. “I had to. What else could I do?”
“Well, you could have let us help you more. I know you wanted to be there for him, in case he needed someone, but there were other people around who care about Dom just as much, who would have gladly been by his side, anytime. All the time, if we had to. Why did you think you had to do it alone?”
Elijah closes his eyes and shakes his head. He feels the familiar stinging in his eyes, and his first instinct is to not fucking cry, because he’s been telling himself that since the first time he saw Dom break down after Billy was kidnapped. It was almost automatic now, stopping the tears before they start, and yet he feels strangely comfortable crying in front of Viggo. No, not comfortable – relieved.
“I’m not sure,” he says in a surprisingly controlled and contemplative voice. He opens his eyes as the tears flow freely now. “I am such a hypocrite. There I was telling Dom to be strong, and all the while I secretly wanted to curl up in a ball, just like he did.”
“Lij, that’s not being a hypocrite. Dom needed that support, he needed you to be strong then and you were. Stronger than I’ve ever seen you.”
“And…now? How can I be strong for him when I can’t be strong for myself anymore? I think I’m losing it, Vig.”
“You don’t have to be strong now, Elijah. Dom’s not here,” Viggo reminds him. “It’s just me and you can be however you want to be.”
“I think,” Elijah says in a voice that finally mirrors how he feels - shaky and broken, “that I just want to lean on you for a while, if that’s okay.”
Viggo nods as Elijah moves closer to him and puts his head on Viggo’s chest. Viggo puts an arm around Elijah’s trembling shoulders, and lets him cry for a long while.
“Did you ever imagine what it would be like if Billy had died?” Elijah asks once his breathing returns to normal and he finally manages to find his voice.
“Every day. It would have been the end of the Fellowship. Doesn’t seem right to still have called it that without Billy,” Viggo says.
“Do you ever think the Fellowship has been shaken so much that it won’t be the same, even though we got Billy back?”
“No. No, I don’t, Elijah.” And he truly believes that in his heart.
“I think that sometimes,” Elijah admits, quietly. Ashamed.
“Things will get better. But there’s nothing you can do to rush it. It’s going to take a long time and you have to be patient. Be there for support, be a friend when they need one. And let others be a friend to you when you need one.”
Elijah smiles and sits up, wiping his face dry. “Yeah, I think I will. Thanks for this.”
“You should know by now we don’t give up on one of our own.” Viggo smiles and playfully pushes Elijah’s shoulder with his own.
And Elijah smiles too, because it’s nice to be reassured that there are people out there caring about him with the same unwavering intensity with which he cares for his friends.
“I think maybe I’ll go see them. I haven’t been over there in a while. In the meantime, hand me another beer, will you?”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
As he pulls up to their house later that afternoon, Elijah thinks that perhaps he should have called first. It never occurred to him to do so in the past, but when he sees Dom sitting outside, alone and smoking, he knows something isn’t right. Viggo’s sage advice is gone from his mind and he’s left with that fear again that he is losing his best friends. He grabs the fresh pack of beer he’d picked up on his way over and heads towards the house.
“Well, this is new. Smoking now, are we?” Elijah asks as he approaches Dom.
“I’ve smoked before,” Dom says, without looking at him. “You know, I was just thinking of coming to see you.” It isn’t a lie. When Billy said he wanted to be on his own, he couldn’t think of where he should go, except maybe to see Elijah. Somehow he couldn’t make himself leave the house though, so he’d compromised and sat outside, thinking. Just as Billy had suggested.
“Oh? Well I must have read your mind. And Dom, you only smoke when we go out. Where did you even get cigarettes from?”
“They’re old. And stale.”
Elijah nods and thinks to himself that something’s happened, and most likely it’s significant and painful. Normally he wouldn’t do this but he takes Dom’s stale cigarette out of his mouth and hands him one of his fresh ones instead.
“Wanna talk about it?”
Dom shakes his head, focusing on the horrible taste of the clove Elijah’s just handed to him, which he hates but doesn’t really taste right now, anyway.
Fortunately, Elijah remembers Viggo’s advice about not trying to fix everything. Which proves to be especially useful right now, since he has no hope of finding the answer to fixing what’s wrong between Dom and Billy. “Right. But you know that when you want to talk, I’ll be here for you, yes?”
“I know that, Elijah. I know,” he says, kindly. Dom throws the cigarette on the concrete in front of him and looks suspiciously at the package Elijah’s holding. “So, you brought beer. You haven’t let me within ten feet of alcohol in months.”
“Want one?” Elijah offers.
“Nah, not right now,” Dom says.
“Where’s Billy?”
“Inside. Thinking. Alone. Or at least that’s what he says he’s doing, but who knows really, because he wants to be alone, so there’s no telling what he’s up to.”
Ouch. “Did you guys have a fight?”
“No. But I was told to go away and leave him alone for a bit. For my own good,” Dom says, bitterly. “Though, how the hell this translates into being good for me, I’ve no idea. Do I look good to you, Lij?”
“Not particularly. No,” Elijah says, his voice soft.
“I don’t feel particularly good,” Dom says quietly.
“Can I ask what Billy’s thinking about?”
“I’d imagine he’s trying to figure out a way that we can have sex again without him having a traumatic flashback in the middle of it, starring me as the molesting kidnapper.”
Elijah feels the all-too familiar tightness developing in his chest. “Dommie. I’m-” Sorry? Useless fucking words, Elijah. “Dom, do you want to talk to me about this?” he asks instead.
Dom looks down at his hands miserably, and gives Elijah a slow nod.
“Okay.” Elijah scoots closer to Dom and takes one of the hands he’s fixated on, placing it between both of his.
Dom continues to stare at his hand, now clasped between Elijah’s, whose hands are sporting raw and bloodied cuticles worse than Dom's ever seen. He makes a mental note to ask him about that later. “We went to therapy. First time for both of us.”
When Dom doesn’t continue, Elijah thinks maybe he needs a bit of coaxing. “That’s great news, Dom.”
“For me, it was good,” Dom agrees. “It was a really good start. But for Billy, I think maybe it set him back a bit.”
“How so?” Elijah asks.
“I think Billy’s doctor tried to explain to him that the healing process would be long and hard and not without some trauma along the way. But our Billy, being the stubborn bugger that he is, tried to prove that he could recover faster. And I, being the idiot that I am, didn’t see that Billy was on a mission with something to prove, and I let him get hurt.”
“Dom, I don’t really know the details, and you don’t have to tell me, but it doesn’t sound like there’s any way you could have known what Billy was up to.”
“We were getting a lot closer, physically, you know, and he just freaked out on me, Lij.”
“Oh,” Elijah moans, more than says, because he knows what’s coming, sort of, and he is certain he’s about to start twitching again very soon.
“I thought he was enjoying himself. Turned out when he, you know, when he came, he saw Tony’s face. Not mine.”
Elijah just barely catches the hurt tone in Dom’s voice before he fully gets what happened.
Oh. Oh, God. “Jesus, Dom. I don’t know what to say.” He watches Dom closely as he continues to speak.
“On the one hand, I feel like after what he’s told me, it’s going to be so hard for us to get past this, but then again, I feel almost relieved. Like, now I have all the information and we can deal with what’s there, with what’s real, instead of these vague nightmares and shadows of things I didn’t really understand. Billy was worried that once he told me everything, I might think less of him, or not want him anymore. Can you imagine that? I can’t really understand why he’d think that. After what he’s told me, it only makes me want to hold him closer and to hang on to him more tightly than I ever have.”
“Have you said this to Billy?”
“Yeah, I did. And I thought he believed me. But then he said he wanted to be alone to think, and I’m not sure what that means. If he’s just sorting stuff out, or if he doesn’t believe me, or if he’s still having flashbacks.”
“Billy’s practical, Dom. He’d believe you if you told him that you love him more than ever. He’ll get that,” Elijah assures him.
Dom nods slowly. “He would, wouldn’t he? I just don’t want to underestimate how much this experience has changed him, Lij. I don’t even know the extent of it. Hell, he doesn’t know, I don’t think.”
Elijah definitely can’t imagine coming up with a solution to this one. He lets go of Dom’s hand to reach for the beer instead. “I think you need one of these today. You’ve earned it, so I’m officially ending your alcohol abstinence.”
“Thanks, Mum! It’s about time.” Dom actually smiles. “You know you owe me a lot more than this for all the alcohol you took from my place, not to mention all the alcohol you wouldn’t let me purchase these past few months,” he smirks.
“That was for your own good!” Elijah objects.
“Exactly. You sound like my mum.” Dom says, simply.
“Cunt. Here, drink this. Maybe it’ll make you into a pleasant human being. Or put you to sleep, I don’t much care either way.”
Dom swats Elijah on his head, but smiles gratefully as he takes the beer and joins his friend in a drink.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Billy watches Dom and Elijah from the window seat in their bedroom.
At first, he had simply been watching Dom. Alone and smoking. Dom was smoking, and he knew that meant Dom was upset, because Dom hates smoking, and only does it to fit in when others are smoking, or to give his hands and mouth something to do when he’s pissed at some club. And even then, that only applied to when Billy was out of town, because when he was at the club as well, both Dom’s hands and mouth were perfectly occupied.
Wow, that seems like a lifetime ago.
He had watched curiously as Elijah sat down and listened intently as Dom spoke about something, shoulders slumped, shaking his head slowly. He had guessed Dom was probably telling Elijah a bit about last night, and that didn’t bother him. Elijah’s their best mate, and if Dom needs someone to talk to, then it’s only natural that person be Elijah, if it wasn't Billy.
Billy does, however, find himself surprised when he sees them laughing together a bit later. He smiles as he watches Dom playfully hit Elijah and can see, but can’t hear, Elijah giggle, though he can hear it as clear as a bell in his mind. And he never thought he’d say it but it feels good to imagine Elijah giggling. It feels good and right seeing Dom be himself. So happy.
It suddenly occurs to Billy that he too is laughing – out loud, no less – watching Dom and Elijah get progressively drunker and sillier. It feels so damn good to see Dom enjoying himself, and that’s when it hits him.
I’m bloody lucky to be here to see this.
Things could have been immensely different, and he would have never seen Dom laugh again, or heard Elijah giggle, or visited his sister in Glasgow when LA got to be too much for him. But the point is he can experience all those things now. And he wonders if perhaps that’s precisely where he’s meant to get his strength to go on.
He finds himself smiling merrily, and opens the window in time to see Dom fall over in the grass, laughing hysterically at something Elijah said or did. Billy finally feels like he’s been granted a piece of his old life back, watching this scene, and it makes him almost euphoric with relief.
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*hands you some gummy bears*
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*hugs*
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Gosh, it's just so damn good for them to be laughing again. All of them. *hugs them* Love your Lijah and wiselaidbackViggo btw. lol Excellence once again my dear!
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*giggles*
Thanks as always!
*hugs and a naked Billy thrown in for good measure*
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A most wonderful feeling, and so perfect for this moment in his recovery.
Well, you know how I feel about this, so, once again, ditto, and still beautiful.
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Just one more chappie though. *is sad*
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Thank you for reading. :)
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:hugs billy: so glad he's feeling he's getting his life back
and i was glad you put in how elijahs been feeling too showing its not just billy and dom who were effected
the story's coming to an end soon :tears up:
can't wait to see how it all ends =)
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I really like how you step back abit from what happening with Billy/Dom on say what Elijah's been doing, I mean he felt like shit too when Billy was gone, and he did so much for Dom when Billy was gone.
*gives a pat on the back*
*tear* its almost over! *cries*
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I'll be sad to see this go too. *sniff*
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Excellent work and I am most definitely not looking forward to this series ending.
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I absolutely adore the conversation between Elijah and Viggo, it felt right that Viggo would be the one to notice that Elijah is hurting too.
And the conversation between Dom and Elijah... the helplessness Elijah feels... so powerful.
And I didn't even realise I was holding my breath until I let out a sigh of relief at seeing that Billy is starting to feel better... I mean, he's slowly but steadily getting back to be himself...
Just one word: magical!!!
I'm looking forward to the next chapter, although it will be bitter-sweet, because it's the last. I'll miss this story.
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Can you believe, originally it was a conversation between Elijah and Orlando? But then I thought, there's no way Orli would be this profound :)
I'm really glad you're enjoying it and thanks so much for reading!
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Oh you have me grinning as well I can see the guys rolling on the grass, so cool!!
Oh I'm almost sad it's over, but I'm so glad for a great story!!
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*hugs*
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During chapter 18, from all he can do is remember to breathe, and to wait for Billy on, I was sobbing. Literally.
The scene with Elijah in this chapter was beautiful. A much welcomed break from Dom and Billy. The perspective was lovely. And I'm in love with your Viggo. :)
And no! The next part can't be the end! I refuse to see this series ever end! It's too good! It must go on forever!
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I'm sad it's ending too. I've been writing this for a long time.
Thanks for reading!