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monaboyd Aug. 19th, 2004 10:53 pm)
piratesorka.livejournal.com posting in monaboyd Aug. 19th, 2004 10:53 pm)I post this quite plainly: THIS IS 100% CRACK FIC!
Dont be complaining to me that ya miss the angst.
Title: His Inner Self
Chapter One
Pairing: Dom/Billy
Rating: PG for now
Feedback: You betcha by golly...love it!
Disclaimer: Since it is 100% crack fic, that means I made it up. But if you think its true you probably believe that Mother Goose is a real person too.
Special thanks go to my fave girlie:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
whimsicalmusing who was my cheerleader,coach and beta on this
On with the show:
His Inner Self
It was a nice quiet summer day in the West Hollywood neighborhood. Dominic was puttering around the house, distracted by various projects, all of which wouldn’t be finished before Billy came home. It was the insistent ringing of the doorbell that broke his train of thought and sent him trotting to the door. He opened the door to find not his wee Scottish lover but a tiny exotic looking redhead dressed in what could best be described as I-love-the-sixties psychedelic attack of the rabid rainbow.
“Emmm…hallo” He stammered, for once finding himself speechless.
“Helllooooo and Peace and Light be to you sir! Let me introduce myself, I am Shonntae Nuzzi, I represent the White Oleander beauty products, specially created for men and women alike!” The small dark woman beamed up at Dom, one eye was blue and the other…kept crossing back and forth as she looked at him. As she was gathering her next breath he interrupted her;
“Uhmmm Great…great…but uhmmm I think you have the wrong place lovie.”
“Ohhh nooooooo, I don’t! White Oleander picks up where all the other fabulous beauty products leave off. I am sure you are familiar with….”
“I really am not inter…”
“…familiar with the big names of Eve Arden, Mary Kaye, Eurhythmics, Avon, Watkins to name but a few…” She paused to beam another huge smile at Dom. Dom was a bit distracted and oddly fascinated by the smile that produced more gaps, gold crowns and diamond bits than a pimp at the Snooty Fox. Shonntae took the moment to take a big breath.
“Wait…the Eurhyth…”
“As I was saying…All those big name companies were wonderful for people of their day but White Oleander goes the extra step…”
“No, really, see, I’m a bloke and I don’t need beauty prod…er make up stuff…”
She took a long moment to gaze carefully at him then said quietly:
“Well, I suppose that’s not mascara and eyeliner I am seeing on you then. Figment of my imagination right?”
“Hey…well…yeah. I’m in the biz…ya know…part of the biz…uhmmm…”
She seized the moment to take him by the hand and draw it to her oversize bosom, which in turn made Dom speechless once more. It wasn’t everyday women thrust his hand between their breasts…oh many tried but he always gracefully evaded them. There was something about this particular woman, her exotic looks, her wild sense of color, her, her….well her very soft and luscious breasts that she was holding his hand against…
“Honey…” she leaned toward Dom and pulled him closer…”Honey, you can be honest with Shonntae. She knows what this…business does to young men like you. Makes you begin to doubt yourself yes? You hear what people say about you yes? You do know they talk behind your back, yes?” She raised her free hand and stroked his cheek. “Such a handsome face…a happy face…Your mother must be so proud of her handsome young actor son”
Her soft hand patted his cheek in the same motherly fashion that his own mum used to do right before she popped him one for being a cheeky git. Dom couldn’t help but find himself blushing and breaking into shy grin at Shonntae’s words and touch. If he were a dog he’d be wagging his tail for her.
“Ahhh,…yes…I see…Shonntae sees now what it is that they surely must say behind your back…You are an original…and they are jealous…so they look for your imperfection and there…” Her hand brushed his laugh lines around his eyes. “There, those lines, those lines you would rid yourself of. Shonntae can take care of those lines…and she can do far more for you as well...”
‘So honey, are you going to invite me in or just turn me away like a old dog at your door?”
In months to come Dom would question what it was that made him let the strange woman into his house. It wasn’t his custom, nor was it wise to let just anyone in. At the present all he knew was that this woman was the most amazing person in the entire world and he wanted to know what sort of product he would have to submit himself to in order to rid himself of his laugh lines. Shonntae was right, he had heard some remarks recently about his laugh lines and while Dom could be called many things…one thing was certain. Dom was insecure when it came to his looks and it was precisely those laugh lines that he detested.
As she came through the house and headed for the kitchen Shonntae continued to chatter away about her product line. Dom really wasn’t listening to her as much as he was watching this fascinating spectacle of color, bling-bling and wildly waving bejeweled hands. He found himself nearly bewitched just watching her bright red glossy lips as she continued to yammer on and on at him.
“…I know you have secret desires…desires to take…primitive desires…good times…”
She had the most incredible lovely limpid eyes of some color he couldn’t name. He could tell she was a genius with her own eyeliner. He didn’t protest when she pushed him down into a kitchen chair and began to line up the dozens of tubes and pots on the table.
“…many years we have worked….disrespected….persecuted for our knowledge…family secrets…”
Dom thought she was the most incredible, enthralling and lovely of all women and that certainly included his mum, Cate Blanchett, RuPaul and any number of his fangirls. In short she scared the peewad right flat dead out of him.
“Now see this here? This cream you want to smear under your eyes and around those pesky lines every other full moon…and this, THIS“ she held up a jar with a flourish.” This is our very best product. Our own piece of Gaia. In fact, we call it Mother Nature’s Mask of Life”
She stopped to take a breath and looked expectantly at him.
“A facial?” asked Dom tentatively.
“Oh my dear sweet boy, a facial? Far, far more than that! Why inside here is the stuff that can make you rise to angelic heights or bring you in touch with the beast within….”
Dom couldn’t help himself as he blurted out “Oh I doubt that a bit of cream on my face is going to do anything like…”
“But it will!” Shonntae cried indignantly.
“It won’t.”
“It will”
“Won’t”
“Will!!
“Won’t
“Wil…My dear, let me ask you this… you hate to shave that handsome face of yours don’t you?” She batted her eyelashes coquettishly at him.
Dom scratched his freshly shaved jaw. He had just shaved that morning and wished he hadn’t.
“Uhmmm, yeah, I do…but…”
“BUT! That’s just it! ” She waved the jar under his nose. “Use our potion and your face will be as soft as a babies butt, er bottom! No more razor burn! Plus, it will help those lines around you-know-where…”
Minutes later he had bought a tube of eyeliner, face cleanser, eye cream, the Mothers Nature Mask of Life and five little soaps the shape of stars and was waving at the retreating form of Shonntae as she briskly walked down his driveway. He closed the door then scampered off to the bathroom to hide his new treasure before Billy came home and saw what he had purchased. For some strange reason he felt reluctant to share his goodies with Billy.
Shonntae slipped into the black Mercedes a block away from Dom’s home.
“I did as you asked…he went for it.”
“ Sucker. ..This is all good… and here is your payment…in silver as you asked.”
***********************************************************
Later that night…
Billy was not a night owl and often chose to go to bed well before Dom; tonight was one of those times. After Billy was seen peacefully snoring face first into his pillow, Dom went into the bathroom and locked the door. He brought out his newly bought White Oleander purchase and after running a nice warm bubbly bath he applied the oddly scented cream liberally to his face, plopped fresh cut cucumbers onto his eyes and then sat back to relax in the bath. A half hour later, the cucumbers were dry; his fingers were doing prune imitations and his face felt no different. Oh, it was soft but he certainly didn’t feel anything special from the mask. Typical hype. He yawned hugely, scratched his balls and wandered off to bed.
**********************************************************************
Morning
Billy loved his mornings. He loved slowly taking his time waking up surrounded by the soft glow of the early dawn. He adored the feeling of Dom’s warm body cuddled up next to him. It was good to be him.
This morning was just a bit…different. For one thing there was this snuffling sound near his ear and a soft rhythmic thumping somewhere in Dom’s vicinity. Still wrapped in a semi sleep state he began to smile then chuckled aloud “ Ahhh good dog Scamps, that’s a good laddie” It took a few more minutes for Billy to register that he was not 10 years old in bed with his beloved pet. Only a dream. What was that sound? When a soft wet tongue licked his cheek he chuckled and turned to face Dom. “Good morning to ya Dommie…”
Suddenly the air whooshed nearly all out of his lungs as Dom leapt on top of him.
“BillyBillyBillyBillyBilly!!!Love you! Love you! Hey! Love you! Let’s eat! Feed me huh, Billy huh? Feed me! LOVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!”
As Billy gasped for breath, he was assaulted by Dom furiously licking his face, neck and ears while wiggling his entire body against him.
“Dom, yah grea…arragghhh”
“BillyBillyBillyBillyBillyBILLLLLYYYY”
“DOM, GERRRROFFFF MEH!” Billy shoved him off but Dom continued to lick him at every opportunity a piece of Billy came near his mouth.
“Dom, what in bloody soddin hell has gotten into you? Stop! Stop it! Hey, don’t shove that great nose of yours sooo hard at my nesseh. Easy lad. Jayzus, this is the oddest way you’ve ever had to try to shagg me before.”
“Billy you smell GOOOOOD! Smell Good .Smell Good. Good Smell. Let me take another sniff! Let me! Let me! Let me!”
Billy scooted backwards away from Dom who promptly rolled over on his stomach. He stared at Billy with his tongue lolling out and wagged his tail.
His tail.
Billy stared open mouthed at Dom. His good mate Dom, his Merry, his wonderful lover had a tail ? A big fuckin plumy waggin tail?
“Dom…Dommeh ....y…yehh…..hahhahhave a …a…a..tail…”
“A tail? I have a tail? A tail?” Dom suddenly yipped as he began tussling with himself on the bed as he frantically tried to grab his tail with his teeth.
Billy bounded out of the bed and into the bathroom He turned the cold water on full blast and stuck his head under. Cold. Bracing. Refreshing. Cold water, yes, just the trick.
He returned to the bedroom only to see Dom falling to his side over and over again as he tried to bend himself double trying to….lick his bits? Billy suddenly felt lightheaded. Dom had apparently lost his brain and gained a tail. The day had only just begun.
Dont be complaining to me that ya miss the angst.
Title: His Inner Self
Chapter One
Pairing: Dom/Billy
Rating: PG for now
Feedback: You betcha by golly...love it!
Disclaimer: Since it is 100% crack fic, that means I made it up. But if you think its true you probably believe that Mother Goose is a real person too.
Special thanks go to my fave girlie:
whimsicalmusing who was my cheerleader,coach and beta on thisOn with the show:
His Inner Self
It was a nice quiet summer day in the West Hollywood neighborhood. Dominic was puttering around the house, distracted by various projects, all of which wouldn’t be finished before Billy came home. It was the insistent ringing of the doorbell that broke his train of thought and sent him trotting to the door. He opened the door to find not his wee Scottish lover but a tiny exotic looking redhead dressed in what could best be described as I-love-the-sixties psychedelic attack of the rabid rainbow.
“Emmm…hallo” He stammered, for once finding himself speechless.
“Helllooooo and Peace and Light be to you sir! Let me introduce myself, I am Shonntae Nuzzi, I represent the White Oleander beauty products, specially created for men and women alike!” The small dark woman beamed up at Dom, one eye was blue and the other…kept crossing back and forth as she looked at him. As she was gathering her next breath he interrupted her;
“Uhmmm Great…great…but uhmmm I think you have the wrong place lovie.”
“Ohhh nooooooo, I don’t! White Oleander picks up where all the other fabulous beauty products leave off. I am sure you are familiar with….”
“I really am not inter…”
“…familiar with the big names of Eve Arden, Mary Kaye, Eurhythmics, Avon, Watkins to name but a few…” She paused to beam another huge smile at Dom. Dom was a bit distracted and oddly fascinated by the smile that produced more gaps, gold crowns and diamond bits than a pimp at the Snooty Fox. Shonntae took the moment to take a big breath.
“Wait…the Eurhyth…”
“As I was saying…All those big name companies were wonderful for people of their day but White Oleander goes the extra step…”
“No, really, see, I’m a bloke and I don’t need beauty prod…er make up stuff…”
She took a long moment to gaze carefully at him then said quietly:
“Well, I suppose that’s not mascara and eyeliner I am seeing on you then. Figment of my imagination right?”
“Hey…well…yeah. I’m in the biz…ya know…part of the biz…uhmmm…”
She seized the moment to take him by the hand and draw it to her oversize bosom, which in turn made Dom speechless once more. It wasn’t everyday women thrust his hand between their breasts…oh many tried but he always gracefully evaded them. There was something about this particular woman, her exotic looks, her wild sense of color, her, her….well her very soft and luscious breasts that she was holding his hand against…
“Honey…” she leaned toward Dom and pulled him closer…”Honey, you can be honest with Shonntae. She knows what this…business does to young men like you. Makes you begin to doubt yourself yes? You hear what people say about you yes? You do know they talk behind your back, yes?” She raised her free hand and stroked his cheek. “Such a handsome face…a happy face…Your mother must be so proud of her handsome young actor son”
Her soft hand patted his cheek in the same motherly fashion that his own mum used to do right before she popped him one for being a cheeky git. Dom couldn’t help but find himself blushing and breaking into shy grin at Shonntae’s words and touch. If he were a dog he’d be wagging his tail for her.
“Ahhh,…yes…I see…Shonntae sees now what it is that they surely must say behind your back…You are an original…and they are jealous…so they look for your imperfection and there…” Her hand brushed his laugh lines around his eyes. “There, those lines, those lines you would rid yourself of. Shonntae can take care of those lines…and she can do far more for you as well...”
‘So honey, are you going to invite me in or just turn me away like a old dog at your door?”
In months to come Dom would question what it was that made him let the strange woman into his house. It wasn’t his custom, nor was it wise to let just anyone in. At the present all he knew was that this woman was the most amazing person in the entire world and he wanted to know what sort of product he would have to submit himself to in order to rid himself of his laugh lines. Shonntae was right, he had heard some remarks recently about his laugh lines and while Dom could be called many things…one thing was certain. Dom was insecure when it came to his looks and it was precisely those laugh lines that he detested.
As she came through the house and headed for the kitchen Shonntae continued to chatter away about her product line. Dom really wasn’t listening to her as much as he was watching this fascinating spectacle of color, bling-bling and wildly waving bejeweled hands. He found himself nearly bewitched just watching her bright red glossy lips as she continued to yammer on and on at him.
“…I know you have secret desires…desires to take…primitive desires…good times…”
She had the most incredible lovely limpid eyes of some color he couldn’t name. He could tell she was a genius with her own eyeliner. He didn’t protest when she pushed him down into a kitchen chair and began to line up the dozens of tubes and pots on the table.
“…many years we have worked….disrespected….persecuted for our knowledge…family secrets…”
Dom thought she was the most incredible, enthralling and lovely of all women and that certainly included his mum, Cate Blanchett, RuPaul and any number of his fangirls. In short she scared the peewad right flat dead out of him.
“Now see this here? This cream you want to smear under your eyes and around those pesky lines every other full moon…and this, THIS“ she held up a jar with a flourish.” This is our very best product. Our own piece of Gaia. In fact, we call it Mother Nature’s Mask of Life”
She stopped to take a breath and looked expectantly at him.
“A facial?” asked Dom tentatively.
“Oh my dear sweet boy, a facial? Far, far more than that! Why inside here is the stuff that can make you rise to angelic heights or bring you in touch with the beast within….”
Dom couldn’t help himself as he blurted out “Oh I doubt that a bit of cream on my face is going to do anything like…”
“But it will!” Shonntae cried indignantly.
“It won’t.”
“It will”
“Won’t”
“Will!!
“Won’t
“Wil…My dear, let me ask you this… you hate to shave that handsome face of yours don’t you?” She batted her eyelashes coquettishly at him.
Dom scratched his freshly shaved jaw. He had just shaved that morning and wished he hadn’t.
“Uhmmm, yeah, I do…but…”
“BUT! That’s just it! ” She waved the jar under his nose. “Use our potion and your face will be as soft as a babies butt, er bottom! No more razor burn! Plus, it will help those lines around you-know-where…”
Minutes later he had bought a tube of eyeliner, face cleanser, eye cream, the Mothers Nature Mask of Life and five little soaps the shape of stars and was waving at the retreating form of Shonntae as she briskly walked down his driveway. He closed the door then scampered off to the bathroom to hide his new treasure before Billy came home and saw what he had purchased. For some strange reason he felt reluctant to share his goodies with Billy.
Shonntae slipped into the black Mercedes a block away from Dom’s home.
“I did as you asked…he went for it.”
“ Sucker. ..This is all good… and here is your payment…in silver as you asked.”
***********************************************************
Later that night…
Billy was not a night owl and often chose to go to bed well before Dom; tonight was one of those times. After Billy was seen peacefully snoring face first into his pillow, Dom went into the bathroom and locked the door. He brought out his newly bought White Oleander purchase and after running a nice warm bubbly bath he applied the oddly scented cream liberally to his face, plopped fresh cut cucumbers onto his eyes and then sat back to relax in the bath. A half hour later, the cucumbers were dry; his fingers were doing prune imitations and his face felt no different. Oh, it was soft but he certainly didn’t feel anything special from the mask. Typical hype. He yawned hugely, scratched his balls and wandered off to bed.
**********************************************************************
Morning
Billy loved his mornings. He loved slowly taking his time waking up surrounded by the soft glow of the early dawn. He adored the feeling of Dom’s warm body cuddled up next to him. It was good to be him.
This morning was just a bit…different. For one thing there was this snuffling sound near his ear and a soft rhythmic thumping somewhere in Dom’s vicinity. Still wrapped in a semi sleep state he began to smile then chuckled aloud “ Ahhh good dog Scamps, that’s a good laddie” It took a few more minutes for Billy to register that he was not 10 years old in bed with his beloved pet. Only a dream. What was that sound? When a soft wet tongue licked his cheek he chuckled and turned to face Dom. “Good morning to ya Dommie…”
Suddenly the air whooshed nearly all out of his lungs as Dom leapt on top of him.
“BillyBillyBillyBillyBilly!!!Love you! Love you! Hey! Love you! Let’s eat! Feed me huh, Billy huh? Feed me! LOVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!”
As Billy gasped for breath, he was assaulted by Dom furiously licking his face, neck and ears while wiggling his entire body against him.
“Dom, yah grea…arragghhh”
“BillyBillyBillyBillyBillyBILLLLLYYYY”
“DOM, GERRRROFFFF MEH!” Billy shoved him off but Dom continued to lick him at every opportunity a piece of Billy came near his mouth.
“Dom, what in bloody soddin hell has gotten into you? Stop! Stop it! Hey, don’t shove that great nose of yours sooo hard at my nesseh. Easy lad. Jayzus, this is the oddest way you’ve ever had to try to shagg me before.”
“Billy you smell GOOOOOD! Smell Good .Smell Good. Good Smell. Let me take another sniff! Let me! Let me! Let me!”
Billy scooted backwards away from Dom who promptly rolled over on his stomach. He stared at Billy with his tongue lolling out and wagged his tail.
His tail.
Billy stared open mouthed at Dom. His good mate Dom, his Merry, his wonderful lover had a tail ? A big fuckin plumy waggin tail?
“Dom…Dommeh ....y…yehh…..hahhahhave a …a…a..tail…”
“A tail? I have a tail? A tail?” Dom suddenly yipped as he began tussling with himself on the bed as he frantically tried to grab his tail with his teeth.
Billy bounded out of the bed and into the bathroom He turned the cold water on full blast and stuck his head under. Cold. Bracing. Refreshing. Cold water, yes, just the trick.
He returned to the bedroom only to see Dom falling to his side over and over again as he tried to bend himself double trying to….lick his bits? Billy suddenly felt lightheaded. Dom had apparently lost his brain and gained a tail. The day had only just begun.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
From:
no subject
Crack Fic indeed....
omg. I love it.
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Thanks!
From:
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that was so hilarious. I laughed really hard.
fabulous!
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This, darling, is going to be a gem. I can tell.
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From: (Anonymous)
no subject
Want more! Want more, want more, WAAAAAAANNNNNNTT MOOOORRRRE!
*wagwagwagwagwag*
Catherine
P.S. Your dog voice is great!
From:
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From: (Anonymous)
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Catherine
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This I gotta see ...
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How funny!
This was really great! can't wait for more!
*wags tail*
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*wagwagwagwag*
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THIS HAD ME IN STITCHES!!!!!
IS DOM GONNA BE ALRIGHT? WHAT WAS IN THAT CREAM? CAN I HAVE SOME?!?!?!?!
LOL!!!!!!!!!
Sooooo.........where's the next part?