If You Don't Want Me To (1/1)

[apple-scruffer.livejournal.com]

Title: If You Don't Want Me To (1/1)
Author: mjjgoddess
Pairing: MonaBoyd, Billy/Ali, hint of OrLijah
Rating: R for language
Beta: aire_blair, for turning complete rubbish into something that's half-understandable. *love*
Feedback: Loved and needed
Disclaimer: If you squint your eyes and turn your head on a 54 degree angle, it KINDA seems that this happened...except nawt realleah.
Notes: For the White Flag challenge. Under a day, I think this is a new record for me. Enjoy...hopefully. :)

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

It started immediately.

I always liked to say that it was the moment we met, nervous and half-frozen, standing like idiots in our knickers while Nglia took measurements for costumes. I was yours. Instantly. You turned and smiled at me, and I knew I had found my missing piece, my soul mate, my other half, the one to make me whole. Those eyes of yours, those green spheres that bored into my soul and nested there, spawning thousands of words and emotions, they were my drug. I was addicted instantly, and I knew...I knew I loved you.

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

We were so crazy, Bills, remember? It was as if we were unrealized friends from birth, just picking it up from where we left off. Elijah and Sean were there, too, yeah, but with Sean it was all about safety, and with Elijah it was about giggles and drinking, the nightlife and clubbing. With you...it was perfect. We'd do everything, with the exception of heights (I had to bungee jump, though - and I know you were standing below with your eyes shut as tight as possible) and...well, that was about it, I guess. Elijah or Orli always roped us into everything, and we loved it. You know you did. We were so fucking happy.

Then you changed.

I will go down with the ship
And I will put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

You got yourself Ali.

At first it was just for media purposes. Remember how fucking freaked our publicity agents were when we started all those PDA's at the premiere? That was hilarious. It was after that they paired you up with her. It was nothing to begin with, just public appearances here and there, but then, somehow...it was more.

You started by not coming over as much. I just thought it was from exhaustion, or something. Then you started to slowly exclude yourself from everything we'd do - shopping, movies, even casual dinners. Hell, you even avoided Elijah for a while. But he calmed down after I soothed him, telling him it's all right, Billy's just upset about something. It really was the two of us for a while, Bills - youandme as one, with Elijah in the role of sweet young matchmaker.

I miss those days. Don't you, Bills?

And then came that day, while we were filming pickups for "King".

That was the day you broke my heart.

I know I left too much mess and
Destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over",
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

And with you, Bills, it's not just "Hey, I'm dumping you, see ya later". Ah, no.

With you, it has to be totally public, standing before hundreds of people, dozens of them, our friends, not just yours or mine since they blend together until you can't even tell which is which anymore.

Anyway.

We were standing there, the both of us. I was happy that day, I truly was. Elijah had just made a joke, saying something about when we were getting married. He didn't know that I had asked you months ago, and you had said yes. You had.

Then Ali. Always fucking Ali.

She just had to fucking show up, smiling and happy, her fucking cheeks so huge I wanted to stab them with something sharp and watch as the air rushed out to reveal the true exterior behind the fucking Botox.

But I didn't. I was good. I stood there and pasted another fucking fake smile on my face, watching you laugh and smile and kiss her on the fucking lips and wait and wait until you finally got the nerve to turn around and face us (me) again -

"Guys! (not to me, of course. Just 'The Guys' in general, as if she and the rest of them didn't know that we've been going out for 4 years) Look who's here!" Then you smiled and pinched her cheek (that FUCKING CHEEK), and nuzzled her a little, beaming with that same fucking happiness that used to come so naturally when we were together.

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I lasted about twenty minutes before I truly broke down. And Elijah, dear, poor, fucking Elijah, he had to go and watch as I went and threw up in the fucking toilet, rubbing my back softly as I rid myself of the contents of my stomach. Elijah had to hold me when I sobbed until I couldn't breathe anymore, Elijah had to try and make it all better when his heart was just recently broken by that fucking elf, and I knew that he had no more words for me then he had for himself. I felt horrible doing that, letting myself take when he had nothing left to give, but there was nothing I could do. What could I? Stand up and say, "Oh, that's alright, Elijah. I'm fine, don't give a fuck about me"?

How was I supposed to act the next day in feet? Huh, Billy? What was I supposed to do? Just stand there and act like everything's normal, with Sean and his coffee and Elijah and his Radiohead? Just say "Oh, ho, if it isn't all my friends again, how lovely to see you!", or some other shite like that?

I CAN'T DO THAT. Not for you, not for anybody.

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on...

So, I saw you at the Oscars a couple months ago. You looked okay. And yeah, I know I tried to be the same as always, but somehow I always end up fucking miserable. Maybe it was the burns. I tried to explain to you how they happened, how horrible and incomplete and numb I am without you, how I was just trying to feel something, anything. And we fought so bitterly about it. But we must keep up appearances, and so I tried to lighten your mood and be playful. You fucking pushed me away.

I know that you don't love me any more. Hell, I don't even know if you loved me to begin with. All I'm saying is...I'm here for you.

Elijah told me about you breaking up with Ali, and while I was more than happy, I was also sad. Because I knew you were sad, somewhere.

I still love you, Bills.

But if you don't want me to...

I won't.

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be.

Comments

[deesarrachi.livejournal.com]

*is a chair*

Ah, it didn't sound too wrong. I understood what you meant, anyway. ^.^

Yay, BillynDom cookie! *saves cookie and offers Monaboyd cookie. Which is almost the same but subtley different*

[apple-scruffer.livejournal.com]

*giggle*

Ooh, MonaBoyd! *licks* Yes, yes, differences, ahahaha. *tries to act like understanding what you're saying and fails*

Apologies. Me grammer no good. Thats beta for. *hangs head in shame*

[deesarrachi.livejournal.com]

Betas=gods. Simple as that.

[apple-scruffer.livejournal.com]

True. Very true. :)