Project Homer Chapter 1/?

[mysteriousaliwz.livejournal.com]

Title: Project Homer, Chapter 1/?
Authors: mysteriousaliwz and owl_at_the_moon
Pairing: Monaboyd
Rating: PG, R in later chapters
Summary: Some practical jokes demand revenge.
Disclaimer: Originates solely from our perverted imaginations. Any passing resemblance to the truth will be utterly coincidental.
Feedback: Yes, yes, yes, oh god yes!! *does best Meg Ryan impression*

Author Notes: This is my first post on monaboyd, altho you’ve probably read some of owl’s delightful fics before.

Many thanks to rynalwyn for the beta.

For all the non-Brits out there, the ‘V sign’ is, umm, a rude gesture involving two fingers rather than one. Supposedly originated at the battle of Agincourt where the English longbow archers showed their contempt for the French by displaying the first and middle fingers of their right hand. (The French had been cutting off the fingers of any English prisoners so that they could no longer draw their bows.) /random historical snippet :)

Hope you enjoy it!

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Bastards.

Bastards, the lot of 'em.

And Billy was the worst bastard of the lot. Dom shifted uncomfortably and tried to wriggle further back in the cycle seat. The slope of the seat made this impossible though and he got the distinct impression he had a new career path - as a soprano. He scanned the set in the semi-darkness, peering through the surrounding trees for some sign of the crew. Someone had to come back soon and turn this bloody Treebeard contraption back on so he could get down. They'd supposedly forgotten he was up there. Forgotten, my arse ! Billy was behind this, Dom was sure of it. He'd been just that little bit too eager to climb down first, and that had definitely been muffled laughter he'd heard as the second technician had disappeared. Sure, there had been the usual noisy bustle as everyone rushed around clearing up after the day's shooting, but they'd heard Dom shouting, no doubt about it. He'd stopped shouting a while ago now. His voice had been getting hoarse, and he could do without a bollocking from Peter for ruining his lines on the following day's shoot.

Bastards.

It wasn't as if Dom's pranks had been anything more than mildly irritating. The raspberry jelly discreetly hidden in Pippin's feet had been little more than squelchy, a quick rinse and no damage done. Although on reflection he'd learnt some interesting antipodean curses as the feet girls struggled to remove the raspberry stains. Was it his fault they'd been too busy ogling Mr 'Luscious-Elf-Locks' himself to pay attention to their job? And the spiders in the lunchbox did nothing more than showcase Billy's girly squeal. Not like anyone had had a chance to appreciate Billy's talent before, not with the noise of the pyrotechnics and all. No - this wasn't in the least justified. Dom had been on set for twelve hours straight, stuck in the tree for eight hours straight and desperate for a piss for four hours straight. This wasn't the time for pranks.

Dom grimaced, and wriggled uneasily, trying to take his mind off the pressing demands of his bladder. If he didn't get down soon he'd have to obey nature's call, and god knows what that would do to the electronics. The special effects guys would have his guts for garters. He grinned briefly at the thought of how Treebeard would have reacted to being pissed on. 'Hoom' indeed.

Another urgent twinge from his nether regions made him scowl.

Oh, you are going to pay for this one Mr Boyd, you most certainly are.

Something special was called for. Something wicked and subtle and so utterly embarrassing that even Billy’s pretty little mouth wouldn’t be able to laugh it off. Inspiration wasn’t forthcoming though. Hard to think of anything really, especially as he could hear the faint trickle of water from the hoses used to keep the mosses damp - brought a whole new meaning to the words Japanese water torture.

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Three hours later and Dom had chosen the pool table nearest the loo. His bladder still hadn’t forgiven him for its abuse and he was making more trips to the men's room than he was sinking balls at the table much to the amusement of all present.

"Too many beers, eh?" called Billy innocently.

"Off again Dom? You might have to tie a knot in it at this rate." sniggered Elijah.

"Going to check whether the crown jewels are still there Dom?" added Andy with a mischievous smirk.

Dom flipped them the 'V' sign as he pushed open the men's room door yet again. He had to come up with something that would really make Billy sweat, freak him out. But what?

"Thought of anything yet?"

Startled, Dom only narrowly missed peeing on his new pair of vans.

His pool partner didn’t follow him to the stalls but rather leant nonchalantly next to the washbasins, brown eyes shimmering with amusement.

"What?"

"Billy, man. C’mon, you can tell me. It’s about time our Billy got a taste of what he’s been dishing out."

"Still haven’t forgiven him for the ribbons huh?"

Dom repressed the inevitable smile that arose whenever he thought of Orli walking through the Rivendell set, all elvish grace and baby pink ribbon nestling attractively at the nape of his neck. To this day Dom didn’t know how Billy had pulled that one off. No, a smile would not do, not when there was a possibility of recruiting Orli’s help.

"Not until I get my own back, no. So maybe if we join forces we can come up with something to really make the bugger blush. Any ideas?"

Dom looked thoughtful as he headed back to the washbasins to wash his hands. For a few seconds the only sound was the splashing of water in the sink. Dom contemplated the taps absent-mindedly.

"I dunno ... maybe something that would put a spanner in the works the next time he's chatting up some girl? Something to put her off, kind of thing?"

"What, something about his personal hygiene? Something to make her think he's unavailable? Or gay or whatever?"

"I like" said Dom, rinsing off the soap. "Could you imagine Billy's face?" Dom stared through the mirror as if visualizing the scene "Oy love that's my boyfriend you're chatting up there."

"D'you think that's enough though? I mean Billy's likely to brush that off as a drunken joke from his mates. You need to really screw with his mind."

"Jesus Orli, you been taking evil genius lessons off Saruman?"

"What? You can't tell me he doesn't deserve it?" said Orli timing this perfectly as Dom, reaching to pick up a paper towel, flinched at the sudden twinge in his balls.

"Oh he deserves it alright" said Dom wincing as he drew himself up to standing. "I know what makes him really embarrassed. Remember that slip of a girl from wardrobe?"

"The blonde? With the pony tails? Didn't she have a crush on Billy?"

"Exactly" said Dom grinning "He'd go to any lengths to avoid her. Even caught him hiding under Frodo's elven cloak one day. If we could just persuade someone to do it again...."

"Or even" suggested Orli, voice dropping into a dramatic whisper "do it ourselves."

"But ... oh yeah" said Dom, enlightenment dawning happily, "oh yeah. This is going to be so much fun." He rubbed his hands enthusiastically. "Oh Billy, I'm in love with you" he cooed softly.

"Nah," said Orli "It should be me, you'll never pull it off."

"I hope you‘re not calling into question my acting abilities?" said Dom with equal amounts of mock outrage and genuine outrage.

"No, just your ability to convince Billy. The man can read you like a book."

"Wanna take a bet on that?" said Dom.

A wicked smile lit up Orli's face. "Too right I will! How much d' you wanna bet, loser?"

"£50?"

Orli snorted. "Cheapskate. You know you're not going to win this one."

"Sez you!" Dom retorted indignantly. "£100 then."

Orli said nothing - merely raised one perfect eyebrow and looked knowing.

"Ok, I bet you £200 I can convince Billy that I fancy him and get him totally freaked out over it."

"And how will I know when I've won my money, Monaghan?"

"MY money, Elf-boy. We can let the other guys decide who's won. Give it ... a month?"

"You're on."

They shook hands on it, returning to their game of pool with the smug smiles of people with a secret. It was only when Dom clocked Billy's suspicious look that he thought of the diversion - all it needed was a little help from his friends.

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Dom surveyed the good-humoured crowd packed into the Eden Park stadium. He was more of a football man really, but the rugby was an adequate substitute. The facilities were a heck of a lot more civilised than some of the football grounds he'd been to. Billy was more into football too, but had been to Murrayfield a few times to see Scotland play, so it hadn't been that hard to persuade him to join in the crew outing to the rugby match. The whispered plan had been passed around the other guys and they had all been up for it, roping in a load of their friends and acquaintances that Billy wouldn't recognise. Dom tried to conceal the smile twitching at the corner of his mouth. The practical joke may have been meant as a diversion to lull Billy into thinking Dom had had his revenge, but it should prove to be pretty amusing in its own right with any luck. The cheers were subsiding after that last conversion and ...

here we go, Billy's getting up.

"Too many beers, eh Bill?" smirked Dom.

"I bow to your superior experience Dom" said Billy, sketching an elaborate bow worthy of any one of the three musketeers despite the limited space between the rows of seats. And with an impish grin he shuffled along to the end of the row and headed up the steps to the rear of the stadium.

Following Billy's retreating figure out of the corner of his eye, Dom waited until Billy was out of sight and then stood up and announced "Right lads, everyone swop places!" All the crew got to their feet, as did lots of the people in surrounding seats and something of a melee ensued, people clambering over seats and squeezing past others amid much muffled hilarity. Once settled in their seats Dom was gratified when the home team scored a try and the crew were too distracted to give the game away. Lij however was a different matter, glancing surreptitiously over his shoulder at ten second intervals and giggling inanely.

"Shite, here he comes" hissed Dom, and promptly came up with the inspired idea of stuffing a handful of popcorn into Lij's mouth to shut him up.

"Mphfafffle" said Lij, punching Dom in the thigh.

In the end Dom couldn't resist looking himself as Billy's bemused gaze swept across the aisles left, right, left, right, left. Billy’s puzzlement was written plainly across his face so that Dom could practically read his thought processes.

Eh? Right left, right left right left. What the fuck? First row, second row, third row, but hadn’t he been ... ok where was Viggo? Got him, but hang on, there was Andy and hadn’t he been sat next to Lij?
Billy shook his head.

Too many beers in the interval. Maybe Orli had scooted along to make room - but why was Lawrence sat on the aisle ?

Where was Dom ?

"Bastards!" yelled Billy and for a moment Dom could see something aggressive, a by-product of being a small man in Glasgow, but it was quickly replaced by grudging laughter as he was royally ribbed by all and sundry.

"What took you so long?" said Dom.

"Awww, don’t tease the poor man," said Orli, "he’s probably caught that nasty water infection off Dom."

"Oy" snapped Dom giving Orli a swift shove from behind that tipped his coke dangerously askew.

"Don’t go there" wailed Lij covering his innocent ears. "I don’t wanna know how he caught that."

"Lose something?" said Sean as Billy inched his way down the aisle.

"His memory" smiled Viggo.

"Must be his age."

"Right, fair's fair, you can steal a man's seat but when you start stealing his drinks - that’s playing with fire" said Billy, eyes scanning the concrete beneath the seats.

"Ooooh ‘m scared" said Dom quivering like a whippet.

"You should be. Jeet Kune Do" said Billy with a smirk demonstrating as much of a move as he could in the limited space. "I believe you're in my seat Dominic."

"I beg to differ" replied Dom.

"You can beg all you like Dom, but that’s my seat."

It was turning into some sort of schoolboy pissing contest but both of them were having too much fun to give it up.

Besides it was now irritating the hell out of the rest of the cast, who were all complaining about being unable to see the game, and that, after all, was what Billy and Dom lived for. Billy waved cheerfully at his complaining colleagues, serenely fielding volleys of insults, peanuts and aspersions on his parentage. When he judged that he had sufficiently annoyed the others his attention returned to the matter of a seat.
He couldn't see any empty spaces - there must have been one further along the row but he couldn't be bothered to go in search of one.

"Well I don't know about you Dom, but I'm sitting down" he announced, and plonked himself emphatically down on Dom's lap.

There were catcalls from the rest of the crew and a cry of "Not in front of babes and innocents" from Orli as he put his hands over Lij's eyes. After the momentary shock of having a lap full of Billy, Dom rallied quickly. "Mmmm Bills, I never knew you cared" he murmured into the small whorl of Billy's ear. Thinking of his bet with Orli he sneaked his arms round Billy's waist and rested his chin nonchalantly on his friend's shoulder. Just for good measure he leant in even closer and sent a whisper of hot breath to tickle the sensitive hairs on the lobe of Billy's ear. He froze. Smiling with satisfaction Dom did it again . This was so much better than the trick with seats because here he could see Billy's discomfort up close and personal. A pretty pink flush was rising from Billy's collar - he'd be wondering whether it was accident or design. With no shame whatsoever Dom brushed his lips against the soft flesh of his mate's neck. Then it was a case of Billy Boyd rocket boy as he shot up off Dom's lap with a roar of launch pad proportions. Dom held out his hands in the universal "didn't do nothing gesture" hamming it up for the crew.

"What?" he laughed up at Billy's indignant face.

"Bog off, ye perv" grumbled Billy.

Dom adopted his best 'butter-wouldn't-melt-in-his-mouth' innocent look, but managed to sneak a quick triumphant glance at Orli, as if to say 'get your money out now mate'. Orli however, while chuckling with amusement, gave a tiny shake of the head. Not enough, not yet.

Billy's reaction boded well, but it was hardly surprising that Orli wanted more before he'd relinquish the readies. This kind of playful teasing wasn't sufficient to really freak Billy out - they were too touchy feely for that. No, Dom would have to put some serious effort into convincing Billy that he'd got a crush on him. But that was ok because it was the kind of role Dom felt he could really sink his teeth into.

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Chapter 2

Comments

[glorfinniel.livejournal.com]

Sounds exciting!

Can't wait for more!!! :)