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monaboyd Jan. 3rd, 2004 11:43 pm)
goldenglitter.livejournal.com posting in monaboyd Jan. 3rd, 2004 11:43 pm)Title: then again.
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
goldenglitter
Website: aesthetic gods.
Rating: G.
Disclaimer: This probably happened, but I still have to say it didn't.
Also: Title and first line from Incubus - 11am. Sad and a little sappy.
I start my day thinking about what I've thrown away.
It's never good to think about ends at the beginning of my day. But I do it anyway. Just to torture myself. I think about last night and all the harsh words I threw at you. All the "We're not working out" and "I don't love you anymore". I draw up the memory of the tears in your eyes. The way your throat got tight and you couldn't even say anything to me.
You just looked away and let those tears roll down your face.
I don't get out of bed, because it seems like if I do I might float away. My head is fuzzy with all these memories and left over alcohol. I feel light. Like there's nothing inside me save the remnants of your slow kisses and all the frustration I thought I had about us. It's funny how now, when it's too late, I realize that I really didn't have anything to be frustrated over.
We were really quite perfect for each other, weren't we?
I thought I was so sure of myself. I had convinced myself that it would be better. Better for me because I'd be free and I wouldn't have to depend on you so much. I wouldn't have to be so scared of loving you. I wouldn't have to love you at all. But I'm a fucking fool because I still love you. Maybe more than I did before we were over.
Over. I'm hating that word more and more as I go along.
I pull the sheets over my head, making a tent around me. Trying to block out all the things I just can't stop thinking about. The sunlight filters through the white cotton and throws shadows across the bed. The shadows remind me of you. The slight imprint of your body in my bed. One shadow rests on my bare stomach and I can't help remembering how you'd lay your head there, and just look up at me. Sleepy eyed and I could clearly see how much you loved me.
I miss all the best parts of you. The way your back slopes down from your shoulders and your spine just barely pokes through your skin. The way your breath was always sweet no matter what time it was. Every time you mumbled my name when you were half asleep. When I'd answer you'd always tell me you were just making sure I was still there. I miss the way your fingers felt against my skin and the way a sunrise made your skin look. I miss your smile and every soft word you ever whispered into my ear.
This flood of memories seems to push me back on the bed. When my head hits the pillow a cloud of you scented air comes out. I choke on the familiar smell. I feel hot tears start to well in my eyes, but I can't cry. I can't cry because of my own decision. I can't miss you this much when I was so sure we were over. I don't want to regret this but I do.
I peel the sheets back over my head because I can't breath. I stare at the hotel telephone and it seems like it's drawing me in. When I reach out for it, it rings. I answer and my voice sounds tired. More strained than I thought it would. I sound just as miserable as I feel.
I hear a few seconds of quiet breathing and then, just simply, "Billy?"
A single tear escapes and drops onto the back of my hand. I'm choking back on something so intense and my throat feels dry. Your voice makes me miss you in a thousand new ways. I want to tell you I said everything I didn't mean last night. I want to ask if we can go backwards. I ask, "Dom, do you still love me?"
"Do you think I can just turn it off like a fucking lightswitch?" you say. "Do you think I can just let go of something that has consumed me for such along time?" you say. I say I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. My mind is just a muddle mess of confusion and indecision. I feel dizzy and I'm not sure if I'm breathing anymore.
"I miss you already." I say. He sighs into the phone. Right into my ear and I can almost feel it. I can almost see his face twisted in pain and that tight throat comes back into the foreground.
"I miss you too. And I fucking hate it." he says. His voice a harsh mixture of pain and anger. Even still, I like the way those words sound. They seem to wrap around me and warm my skin a little more. I let my breath fall out of my lungs and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.
"Come here and let me take it back." I say.
Author:
goldenglitterWebsite: aesthetic gods.
Rating: G.
Disclaimer: This probably happened, but I still have to say it didn't.
Also: Title and first line from Incubus - 11am. Sad and a little sappy.
I start my day thinking about what I've thrown away.
It's never good to think about ends at the beginning of my day. But I do it anyway. Just to torture myself. I think about last night and all the harsh words I threw at you. All the "We're not working out" and "I don't love you anymore". I draw up the memory of the tears in your eyes. The way your throat got tight and you couldn't even say anything to me.
You just looked away and let those tears roll down your face.
I don't get out of bed, because it seems like if I do I might float away. My head is fuzzy with all these memories and left over alcohol. I feel light. Like there's nothing inside me save the remnants of your slow kisses and all the frustration I thought I had about us. It's funny how now, when it's too late, I realize that I really didn't have anything to be frustrated over.
We were really quite perfect for each other, weren't we?
I thought I was so sure of myself. I had convinced myself that it would be better. Better for me because I'd be free and I wouldn't have to depend on you so much. I wouldn't have to be so scared of loving you. I wouldn't have to love you at all. But I'm a fucking fool because I still love you. Maybe more than I did before we were over.
Over. I'm hating that word more and more as I go along.
I pull the sheets over my head, making a tent around me. Trying to block out all the things I just can't stop thinking about. The sunlight filters through the white cotton and throws shadows across the bed. The shadows remind me of you. The slight imprint of your body in my bed. One shadow rests on my bare stomach and I can't help remembering how you'd lay your head there, and just look up at me. Sleepy eyed and I could clearly see how much you loved me.
I miss all the best parts of you. The way your back slopes down from your shoulders and your spine just barely pokes through your skin. The way your breath was always sweet no matter what time it was. Every time you mumbled my name when you were half asleep. When I'd answer you'd always tell me you were just making sure I was still there. I miss the way your fingers felt against my skin and the way a sunrise made your skin look. I miss your smile and every soft word you ever whispered into my ear.
This flood of memories seems to push me back on the bed. When my head hits the pillow a cloud of you scented air comes out. I choke on the familiar smell. I feel hot tears start to well in my eyes, but I can't cry. I can't cry because of my own decision. I can't miss you this much when I was so sure we were over. I don't want to regret this but I do.
I peel the sheets back over my head because I can't breath. I stare at the hotel telephone and it seems like it's drawing me in. When I reach out for it, it rings. I answer and my voice sounds tired. More strained than I thought it would. I sound just as miserable as I feel.
I hear a few seconds of quiet breathing and then, just simply, "Billy?"
A single tear escapes and drops onto the back of my hand. I'm choking back on something so intense and my throat feels dry. Your voice makes me miss you in a thousand new ways. I want to tell you I said everything I didn't mean last night. I want to ask if we can go backwards. I ask, "Dom, do you still love me?"
"Do you think I can just turn it off like a fucking lightswitch?" you say. "Do you think I can just let go of something that has consumed me for such along time?" you say. I say I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. My mind is just a muddle mess of confusion and indecision. I feel dizzy and I'm not sure if I'm breathing anymore.
"I miss you already." I say. He sighs into the phone. Right into my ear and I can almost feel it. I can almost see his face twisted in pain and that tight throat comes back into the foreground.
"I miss you too. And I fucking hate it." he says. His voice a harsh mixture of pain and anger. Even still, I like the way those words sound. They seem to wrap around me and warm my skin a little more. I let my breath fall out of my lungs and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.
"Come here and let me take it back." I say.
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aaahhhhh!!!
fjdoushgeuqihfgdsa.
thats about it.
i HEART that song, and i love the way you wrote this!! you didnt use the lyrics, but it still flowed so well with the song! wow!
just. wow.
*heart*