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monaboyd Mar. 20th, 2004 01:22 pm)
thisisheaven.livejournal.com posting in monaboyd Mar. 20th, 2004 01:22 pm)Title: "If you love enough, you'll lie a lot." (6/?)
Pairing: Monaboyd, with Orlijah on the side
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Don't know 'em, wish I did. If this actually was true, we wouldn't be writing about it, the papers would.
Feedback: Always welcome, pretty please.
Summary: "...and when you're gone, a part of me I never really see, is missing too."(Quoted to appease my slavedriver because she hates my summaries and says no one wants to read my story cause my summary is so awful.) Some pretty flashbacks and more explanations...one of the last Billy POV chapters for awhile. And yes, they'll be seeing each other very soon.
AN: In a fit of depression I thought I'd start an angsty fic dedicated to the reason I even know what slash is...my roommate, favorite drunk of all time, lover of all that is angsty...my p-resh.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pre_expansion I want to apologize to all the wonderful readers who comment on my little story for taking so long. This chapter took a little longer to work out the kinks, but since I now have the next two chapters written, maybe I'll post them sooner so everyone still is happy? I really am sorry and I hope you guys don't give up on me and keep reading and giving me feedback...I love knowing what you think!
I want to thank my wonderful betael_erzulie again and again and again who not only offered to take me under her wing, but listens to my crazy 3 in the morning rants. She takes time out of her busy schedule to put up with a bajillion questions on top of editting everything. *Love to the brilliant beta*
Previous parts: One Two Three Four Five
You step out into the chilled New York air. Normally you can’t stand this city for so long, too busy and crowded with a notable lack of rolling green hills, but strangely enough the entire place seems to mirror your mood. The sky is deceptively sunny, the mood you’re attempting to exude, yet the air is cold, matching the icy feeling around your heart. Walking towards Central Park, you see people despairingly trying to keep out the wind with thin overcoats. They will miss the warmth as much as you already do; Dom was always warm.
Sighing softly, you feel a tug as Lij grabs the edge of your sleeve to pull you out of a crowd. The noise, the bustle; this is why you came here. You came to New York to get lost, and in losing yourself, you hoped to lose your pain as well. After practically running out of Dom’s rented flat in London, you knew you couldn’t stay at your place, couldn’t stay in the same city. When you called Lij, you had honestly wanted to put as much space between you and Dom as possible, hoping distance would keep you away when you couldn’t. You always had a problem with staying away from Dom.
Dom is the masochist. You, however, are just scared. Lij had met you in New York after visiting his family in LA and finishing some prelim work on a new film. Getting to the unfinished apartment, it had felt inviting and, more importantly, safe. After collapsing from your trip, Lij had sat down next to you, wrapped a blanket around your shoulders and held you while your body was wracked with sobs. Brokenly, you told him about the fight, leaving out parts that were just too painful to say so soon.
You overheard him talking to Orlando on the phone every night and eventually realized that he was with Dom. You remember idly wondering if they were cleaning out pubs left and right and if Dom was enjoying his beloved night life without you.
Looking up, you realize that you and Lij have managed to get part way through Central Park and are closing in on your usual snack stand. After buying two warm coffees, you both move to a bench. Sitting down, you sigh again, trying to imitate a feeling of peace rather than pain, but the thinly veiled attempt falls flat. Thinking about it, you realize that you have truly perfected the art of sighing as it has become second nature to you now.
Lij looks at you, exasperated, and says, “Billy, we have to talk about New Zealand. Orli packed up your flat and said he’ll send your things straight over there. But I need to know, will this be OK? Can you handle this?”
You stare at the ground and say flatly, “I’ll do what I have to do.”
“Billy, we could talk to Peter, at least explain to him what’s going on. You know he’ll probably realize it on his own,” he replies.
You know that he’s just trying to help and you smile, forcing your lips to bend upward. “The movie comes first in this one, Lij. We can’t let the fate of Middle Earth fail because Merry and Pippin aren’t getting along anymore. The concerns of hobbits are too small to carry such weight.” You realize that this may be one of the saddest, most serious voices you’ve ever used when speaking as Pippin. In your heart, you wish that all of the LOTR work was over, shooting and PR work and interviews and everything, leaving only Merry and Pippin as a memory of what once was.
They were perfect, just as you and Dom were, and if you could, you would keep that brilliance crystallized in a drawer of your heart, locked away with all the other beautiful things in your life that had ended. All things beautiful must somehow end. The intensity was too much, not meant to be enjoyed in one lifetime, but savored in stolen moments before it could be taken away. Sometime during your life you realized that you always lose the best things in life. It was part of the whole bit about it being unfair. The more beautiful the thing, the more wonderful it is and the more it hurts when it’s gone. Dom was beautiful. And now you never want to see Dom again.
You start from your vacant gaze and watch Elijah absently fiddling with a pack of cloves. Looking at his face, you see him worrying his bottom lip wearing a perplexed expression on his face. If you weren’t feeling so awful, you would have laughed quietly and swatted his head to see him concentrating so hard. You know he’s trying to find the right thing to say, but what do you say when there’s really nothing to say at all?
“How did Orli first admit that he loved you?”
Lij looks up at you startled and a confused expression replaces his previous look. Then, unconsciously, any worry line on his face smoothes out and his entire demeanor relaxes. Caught in a beautiful memory, his eyes light up from within and you almost gasp, from the intensity and passion of the look. Although your heart is sick and green with jealousy, you can’t help but smile a little. You are reminded, if only for the briefest of moments, that not all the world suffers from the pangs of unrequited love.
“It was raining outside. Actually, it was torrential. We were all supposed to go surfing that afternoon since filming cut out early, but then you guys cancelled after Dom’s car flooded. Remember that day? Well, I was at Orli’s house, ready to go to the beach, when you called. Since the storm was so bad, Orli refused to let me leave and informed me that I was staying the night. I tried to act upset about having to spend so much time with him, but he just threw a pillow at me and went searching for food.” At this point Lij smiled to himself and, at the mention of Orli’s name, his voice took on an almost reverent quality. You wonder why, but then mentally berate yourself for a minute for never noticing just how in love Lij is.
“I wasn’t feeling well for most of the evening so Orli was humoring me and letting me do what I wanted. We spent most of the time hanging around. I forced him to play a couple of games and then we attacked the last of the frozen pizza and the rest of the food we could find. It was starting to get late and I needed to run to my car for something. Unfortunately, I got stuck outside, practically blown over from the wind. By the time I got back in the house I was soaking wet and more than a little cold. I guess whatever sickness I was feeling decided to manifest itself after that because I couldn’t stop the chills. I was a complete wreck for some hours after that and I was probably a fright for Orli.”
“Anyways, we were lying in bed, I was in his lap wrapped in a ton of blankets and I felt pretty pathetic. I asked Orli to tell me a story and he started giving me a satirical rundown of the story of him and me. We used to do that a lot, kind of make fun of our bizarre friendship and all the things that happened between us. It was a pretty well rehearsed thing between the two of us. But, at the end of it, he pulled me up to his chest, kissed me on the forehead, and added a new part. He said, “So then I saved my damsel in distress and banished the frightful cold away. And we lived happily ever after.””
“I asked him how long ever after was. He told me that it was a really long time and that made me happy. You see, he knew how I felt from the very beginning seeing as I was the one who confronted him about us. I always felt that it was more on his end to determine our relationship and it scared me that I had so little control. When he said that we would be together for a long time, it made me hopeful. I know it sounds sappy, but I thanked him. I thanked him for being there, for helping me, but most of all for agreeing to stay with me. Needless to say, it surprised him. He was quiet for a little while and I thought he might have dozed off. But then, he spoke. It was hard to hear at first and for a little while I thought I was dreaming, but he said, “Don’t ever thank me for loving you, Lij. You give me so much and are such a huge part of my world. I wish you’d realize that leaving you, after all this, would just kill me. I know it’s my fault, but I hoped by now you’d know just how much I love you.””
“I guess that was it. After that we always just said it, but every time it means so much, you know?”
The story is sweet and perfect and everything you ever wanted. Despite sounding completely unlike Orlando, you can picture the situation almost effortlessly, and even hating love as you do, you can’t deny how beautiful it is. You want to lash out, against Lij, against the world, or just against Dom for not loving you. It’s not fair that others get love so easily and so wonderfully and you’re just left with a broken heart. Why couldn’t Dom be like Orlando? You know Dom was different around you, but why couldn’t you make him love you? How did Lij do it?
You stop yourself before you become even more irrational and speak before you know what words to use. “I never told Dom I loved him out loud. I must have said it a thousand times in my head, but I could never get it past my tongue. One day I got it into my head that enough was enough and I was going to tell him.”
Elijah waits for you to continue. You want to tell him, you want him to understand just why you’re so hopeless, so angry, so hurt. You remember that day with such perfect clarity, but even now, almost a year later, you can’t make any sense out of it.
“Dom was visiting me in Scotland. He wasn’t there for long, but it was still at the beginning of the trip and we had a while left together.”
You were in heaven. You were home and you were with Dom. There was no work and all play and you gladly spent those days avoiding reality and life and questions. For once, your feelings for Dom didn’t leave you feeling so hopeless. You felt loved and despite knowing that your relationship with Dom didn’t mean anything, it made you happy.
Dom was always first and foremost your best friend, or so you’d say. The quirky sense of humor, the way he jutted his jaw out when he was teasing you, the way that sometimes his mannerisms were more Pippin than Merry…
…the feeling that when he was around the room was brighter, the fact that his voice could make you tremble or bring a seemingly unstoppable smile to your face, the way your heart would skip a beat when you heard him laugh, the fact that he haunted your dreams and was the back of your eyelids every morning and night. Although you’ve never said it out loud, somewhere in your time with Dom, the hazy picture of your ideal person…the person you wanted to spend forever with and give yourself fully too…had sharpened to an image of a man, still obscured, but with a sparkling mischievous blue gaze, a soft tangle of hair, and a scent that your body recognized before you even smelt it.
So, since you were finally informing your brain of suppressed feelings, you began to wonder about the possibilities. A future with Dom, or any man, for that matter was something you had never imagined. Everything concrete about your life would be upside down. But, it was Dom, and while you weren’t sure yet that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him, the thought of spending it without him was painful.
“We were having a great time and I guess the combination of no filming and being outside of New Zealand just put me in a strange mood. We had spent the day being completely lazy. After moving our arses a whole 10 feet to the couch, we had proceeded to go through the strenuous process of finding a movie to watch. Then, we spent literally two hours arguing over who was closest to the telephone and possible ways we could manage to get the phone without standing up so that we could order food. After discovering that neither of us were telepathic and that throwing magazines will break the phone, rather than making it boomerang against the wall and come to the couch, we gave up.”
You were in an especially childish mood that day. But, at some point, you realized that your good humor was radiating from the currently lethargic body lying next to yours. Dom’s grin was infectious, and when you made him collapse into laughter after cursing out the phone for not having legs, you couldn’t help but smile.
After awhile, the two of you had lapsed into a comfortable silence, watching and not watching the sci-fi movie you had found on TV. You were propped up against one of the arms of the couch and Dom was in his usual position, lying between your legs with his back against your chest. Unconsciously, you had intertwined your fingers together, and your joint hands rested against Dom’s chest. If you concentrated, you could feel his heartbeat.
“I don’t know what possessed me to ask, but I was questioning myself so much that I couldn’t help it. I should have planned it more. Actually, I really shouldn’t have asked him at all, but I did. We were finally in a bit more of a serious mood, and we were eating dinner. I just looked at him and said I had to ask him something. It was a pretty big mess of words, but it came out something like, ‘Dommie, what do you think of us? I know we have our agreement, but we’ve been together for awhile and this visit is really going well. So I know this is unexpected, but how do you feel about me?’”
Your heart was racing madly and your expression probably mirrored the one on Dom’s face. You don’t know why you asked and the minute you started, you wanted to take it all back and pretend you had never said anything. His eyes flickered and it looked like he was fighting within himself about how to respond. You were so tempted to hold him and kiss him and say something meaningful when you saw the lost look appear on his face. But you held back, waiting and unsure and hopeful.
“He looked a little surprised, the whole deer caught in headlights look. I don’t know what I expected him to say, but I know that whatever I had wanted to hear wasn’t what he said. He gave me a kind of pained look, like he didn’t want to talk about it. But, then he laughed loudly and made some comment about me sounding a lot like a woman. Then he said, “Bills, you know I love you as a mate. You’re my best friend, best everything. What would Merry be if he didn’t have Pippin to get into trouble with all the time? I like what we’re doing, if you want to stop and you think it’s been awhile, just say so, I don’t mind. Remember, we’re not supposed to be serious and I wouldn’t want to go and ruin our fun with some grand proposal or flowery declaration of love. Besides, something about Dominic Boyd just doesn’t sound right.””
Your heart dropped at the statement. Dominic Boyd actually didn’t have a bad ring to it, but you would never in your wildest dreams admit it. You tried your best afterwards to cover the awkwardness your questions had caused and for the rest of the night, you and Dom managed to avoid any further confrontation. However, it was when he kissed you later that you felt confused. His words had been so empty, simple and straightforward and emotionless, but when he kissed you…and it was like fire and ice, freezing and burning your lips with a passion only Dom had.
It felt like he was worshipping your body. He hadn’t been that attentive since the first time, and you were so charged with emotion that every touch sent a flurry of sensations up your spine and made your chest ache. He thrust into you so tenderly, looking straight into your eyes, that for awhile you forgot you were even having sex.
Then he pulled out abruptly and flipped you both over. Taking your cock and rubbing it against his own, slick with lubricant and pre-cum, he moaned and said in the faintest whisper, “Love me Billy.” If you had known what to say, you would have responded, but fear and passion clouded your mind and blocked out the emotions his statement caused.
As you pressed against the knot of muscle, he arched up to meet you. You felt him relax slightly and pushed harder, letting the tight heat encompass you completely. His cock throbbed between your stomachs, and you let your hand wander down to begin languidly stroking him. The whole situation felt surreal, and you concentrated on telling him without words that you cared about him and would give him anything he asked of you. When you hit his prostate, he cried out, but rather than gripping your hips enough to leave red marks or biting down to suck on your shoulder, he lifted a trembling hand to your face and slid it down your cheek.
His eyes were so filled with emotion and desire and you wanted so much to understand what it all meant, but the sensations overwhelmed you and you closed your eyes to focus on coming to completion. When you finally collapsed on his stomach and rolled over, he cradled you into his chest. It was then that you recognized the ache you had been feeling the entire time had been coming from your heart.
“Then I laughed and he laughed and we finished our dinner and that was the end of it. I never expected him to love me, but I didn’t think it could be so meaningless. I know I never explained it to you, but it’s not a moment I like reliving.”
You look up to see that Lij has burned through two cloves and is lighting up a third. He doesn’t say anything, but instead pulls you in a one-armed hug. You affect a cheery smile and swallow to keep your voice from sounding rough from withheld emotion.
Wordlessly, you both stand up and walk back to Lij’s apartment, your safe haven. If it were up to you, you’d remain lost in the crowds, locked away and secluded from all that can hurt you. You don’t want to think about going back to New Zealand or seeing Dom. You don’t want to think about how much pain and anger that day caused you. You don’t want to think that the Dom you were with that night was the real thing, while the Dom who answered your question was fake. You don’t want to think about all these things, but even on the other side of the world, you can’t get Dom out of your mind.
Pairing: Monaboyd, with Orlijah on the side
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Don't know 'em, wish I did. If this actually was true, we wouldn't be writing about it, the papers would.
Feedback: Always welcome, pretty please.
Summary: "...and when you're gone, a part of me I never really see, is missing too."
AN: In a fit of depression I thought I'd start an angsty fic dedicated to the reason I even know what slash is...my roommate, favorite drunk of all time, lover of all that is angsty...my p-resh.
pre_expansion I want to apologize to all the wonderful readers who comment on my little story for taking so long. This chapter took a little longer to work out the kinks, but since I now have the next two chapters written, maybe I'll post them sooner so everyone still is happy? I really am sorry and I hope you guys don't give up on me and keep reading and giving me feedback...I love knowing what you think!I want to thank my wonderful beta
el_erzulie again and again and again who not only offered to take me under her wing, but listens to my crazy 3 in the morning rants. She takes time out of her busy schedule to put up with a bajillion questions on top of editting everything. *Love to the brilliant beta* Previous parts: One Two Three Four Five
You step out into the chilled New York air. Normally you can’t stand this city for so long, too busy and crowded with a notable lack of rolling green hills, but strangely enough the entire place seems to mirror your mood. The sky is deceptively sunny, the mood you’re attempting to exude, yet the air is cold, matching the icy feeling around your heart. Walking towards Central Park, you see people despairingly trying to keep out the wind with thin overcoats. They will miss the warmth as much as you already do; Dom was always warm.
Sighing softly, you feel a tug as Lij grabs the edge of your sleeve to pull you out of a crowd. The noise, the bustle; this is why you came here. You came to New York to get lost, and in losing yourself, you hoped to lose your pain as well. After practically running out of Dom’s rented flat in London, you knew you couldn’t stay at your place, couldn’t stay in the same city. When you called Lij, you had honestly wanted to put as much space between you and Dom as possible, hoping distance would keep you away when you couldn’t. You always had a problem with staying away from Dom.
Dom is the masochist. You, however, are just scared. Lij had met you in New York after visiting his family in LA and finishing some prelim work on a new film. Getting to the unfinished apartment, it had felt inviting and, more importantly, safe. After collapsing from your trip, Lij had sat down next to you, wrapped a blanket around your shoulders and held you while your body was wracked with sobs. Brokenly, you told him about the fight, leaving out parts that were just too painful to say so soon.
You overheard him talking to Orlando on the phone every night and eventually realized that he was with Dom. You remember idly wondering if they were cleaning out pubs left and right and if Dom was enjoying his beloved night life without you.
Looking up, you realize that you and Lij have managed to get part way through Central Park and are closing in on your usual snack stand. After buying two warm coffees, you both move to a bench. Sitting down, you sigh again, trying to imitate a feeling of peace rather than pain, but the thinly veiled attempt falls flat. Thinking about it, you realize that you have truly perfected the art of sighing as it has become second nature to you now.
Lij looks at you, exasperated, and says, “Billy, we have to talk about New Zealand. Orli packed up your flat and said he’ll send your things straight over there. But I need to know, will this be OK? Can you handle this?”
You stare at the ground and say flatly, “I’ll do what I have to do.”
“Billy, we could talk to Peter, at least explain to him what’s going on. You know he’ll probably realize it on his own,” he replies.
You know that he’s just trying to help and you smile, forcing your lips to bend upward. “The movie comes first in this one, Lij. We can’t let the fate of Middle Earth fail because Merry and Pippin aren’t getting along anymore. The concerns of hobbits are too small to carry such weight.” You realize that this may be one of the saddest, most serious voices you’ve ever used when speaking as Pippin. In your heart, you wish that all of the LOTR work was over, shooting and PR work and interviews and everything, leaving only Merry and Pippin as a memory of what once was.
They were perfect, just as you and Dom were, and if you could, you would keep that brilliance crystallized in a drawer of your heart, locked away with all the other beautiful things in your life that had ended. All things beautiful must somehow end. The intensity was too much, not meant to be enjoyed in one lifetime, but savored in stolen moments before it could be taken away. Sometime during your life you realized that you always lose the best things in life. It was part of the whole bit about it being unfair. The more beautiful the thing, the more wonderful it is and the more it hurts when it’s gone. Dom was beautiful. And now you never want to see Dom again.
You start from your vacant gaze and watch Elijah absently fiddling with a pack of cloves. Looking at his face, you see him worrying his bottom lip wearing a perplexed expression on his face. If you weren’t feeling so awful, you would have laughed quietly and swatted his head to see him concentrating so hard. You know he’s trying to find the right thing to say, but what do you say when there’s really nothing to say at all?
“How did Orli first admit that he loved you?”
Lij looks up at you startled and a confused expression replaces his previous look. Then, unconsciously, any worry line on his face smoothes out and his entire demeanor relaxes. Caught in a beautiful memory, his eyes light up from within and you almost gasp, from the intensity and passion of the look. Although your heart is sick and green with jealousy, you can’t help but smile a little. You are reminded, if only for the briefest of moments, that not all the world suffers from the pangs of unrequited love.
“It was raining outside. Actually, it was torrential. We were all supposed to go surfing that afternoon since filming cut out early, but then you guys cancelled after Dom’s car flooded. Remember that day? Well, I was at Orli’s house, ready to go to the beach, when you called. Since the storm was so bad, Orli refused to let me leave and informed me that I was staying the night. I tried to act upset about having to spend so much time with him, but he just threw a pillow at me and went searching for food.” At this point Lij smiled to himself and, at the mention of Orli’s name, his voice took on an almost reverent quality. You wonder why, but then mentally berate yourself for a minute for never noticing just how in love Lij is.
“I wasn’t feeling well for most of the evening so Orli was humoring me and letting me do what I wanted. We spent most of the time hanging around. I forced him to play a couple of games and then we attacked the last of the frozen pizza and the rest of the food we could find. It was starting to get late and I needed to run to my car for something. Unfortunately, I got stuck outside, practically blown over from the wind. By the time I got back in the house I was soaking wet and more than a little cold. I guess whatever sickness I was feeling decided to manifest itself after that because I couldn’t stop the chills. I was a complete wreck for some hours after that and I was probably a fright for Orli.”
“Anyways, we were lying in bed, I was in his lap wrapped in a ton of blankets and I felt pretty pathetic. I asked Orli to tell me a story and he started giving me a satirical rundown of the story of him and me. We used to do that a lot, kind of make fun of our bizarre friendship and all the things that happened between us. It was a pretty well rehearsed thing between the two of us. But, at the end of it, he pulled me up to his chest, kissed me on the forehead, and added a new part. He said, “So then I saved my damsel in distress and banished the frightful cold away. And we lived happily ever after.””
“I asked him how long ever after was. He told me that it was a really long time and that made me happy. You see, he knew how I felt from the very beginning seeing as I was the one who confronted him about us. I always felt that it was more on his end to determine our relationship and it scared me that I had so little control. When he said that we would be together for a long time, it made me hopeful. I know it sounds sappy, but I thanked him. I thanked him for being there, for helping me, but most of all for agreeing to stay with me. Needless to say, it surprised him. He was quiet for a little while and I thought he might have dozed off. But then, he spoke. It was hard to hear at first and for a little while I thought I was dreaming, but he said, “Don’t ever thank me for loving you, Lij. You give me so much and are such a huge part of my world. I wish you’d realize that leaving you, after all this, would just kill me. I know it’s my fault, but I hoped by now you’d know just how much I love you.””
“I guess that was it. After that we always just said it, but every time it means so much, you know?”
The story is sweet and perfect and everything you ever wanted. Despite sounding completely unlike Orlando, you can picture the situation almost effortlessly, and even hating love as you do, you can’t deny how beautiful it is. You want to lash out, against Lij, against the world, or just against Dom for not loving you. It’s not fair that others get love so easily and so wonderfully and you’re just left with a broken heart. Why couldn’t Dom be like Orlando? You know Dom was different around you, but why couldn’t you make him love you? How did Lij do it?
You stop yourself before you become even more irrational and speak before you know what words to use. “I never told Dom I loved him out loud. I must have said it a thousand times in my head, but I could never get it past my tongue. One day I got it into my head that enough was enough and I was going to tell him.”
Elijah waits for you to continue. You want to tell him, you want him to understand just why you’re so hopeless, so angry, so hurt. You remember that day with such perfect clarity, but even now, almost a year later, you can’t make any sense out of it.
“Dom was visiting me in Scotland. He wasn’t there for long, but it was still at the beginning of the trip and we had a while left together.”
You were in heaven. You were home and you were with Dom. There was no work and all play and you gladly spent those days avoiding reality and life and questions. For once, your feelings for Dom didn’t leave you feeling so hopeless. You felt loved and despite knowing that your relationship with Dom didn’t mean anything, it made you happy.
Dom was always first and foremost your best friend, or so you’d say. The quirky sense of humor, the way he jutted his jaw out when he was teasing you, the way that sometimes his mannerisms were more Pippin than Merry…
…the feeling that when he was around the room was brighter, the fact that his voice could make you tremble or bring a seemingly unstoppable smile to your face, the way your heart would skip a beat when you heard him laugh, the fact that he haunted your dreams and was the back of your eyelids every morning and night. Although you’ve never said it out loud, somewhere in your time with Dom, the hazy picture of your ideal person…the person you wanted to spend forever with and give yourself fully too…had sharpened to an image of a man, still obscured, but with a sparkling mischievous blue gaze, a soft tangle of hair, and a scent that your body recognized before you even smelt it.
So, since you were finally informing your brain of suppressed feelings, you began to wonder about the possibilities. A future with Dom, or any man, for that matter was something you had never imagined. Everything concrete about your life would be upside down. But, it was Dom, and while you weren’t sure yet that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him, the thought of spending it without him was painful.
“We were having a great time and I guess the combination of no filming and being outside of New Zealand just put me in a strange mood. We had spent the day being completely lazy. After moving our arses a whole 10 feet to the couch, we had proceeded to go through the strenuous process of finding a movie to watch. Then, we spent literally two hours arguing over who was closest to the telephone and possible ways we could manage to get the phone without standing up so that we could order food. After discovering that neither of us were telepathic and that throwing magazines will break the phone, rather than making it boomerang against the wall and come to the couch, we gave up.”
You were in an especially childish mood that day. But, at some point, you realized that your good humor was radiating from the currently lethargic body lying next to yours. Dom’s grin was infectious, and when you made him collapse into laughter after cursing out the phone for not having legs, you couldn’t help but smile.
After awhile, the two of you had lapsed into a comfortable silence, watching and not watching the sci-fi movie you had found on TV. You were propped up against one of the arms of the couch and Dom was in his usual position, lying between your legs with his back against your chest. Unconsciously, you had intertwined your fingers together, and your joint hands rested against Dom’s chest. If you concentrated, you could feel his heartbeat.
“I don’t know what possessed me to ask, but I was questioning myself so much that I couldn’t help it. I should have planned it more. Actually, I really shouldn’t have asked him at all, but I did. We were finally in a bit more of a serious mood, and we were eating dinner. I just looked at him and said I had to ask him something. It was a pretty big mess of words, but it came out something like, ‘Dommie, what do you think of us? I know we have our agreement, but we’ve been together for awhile and this visit is really going well. So I know this is unexpected, but how do you feel about me?’”
Your heart was racing madly and your expression probably mirrored the one on Dom’s face. You don’t know why you asked and the minute you started, you wanted to take it all back and pretend you had never said anything. His eyes flickered and it looked like he was fighting within himself about how to respond. You were so tempted to hold him and kiss him and say something meaningful when you saw the lost look appear on his face. But you held back, waiting and unsure and hopeful.
“He looked a little surprised, the whole deer caught in headlights look. I don’t know what I expected him to say, but I know that whatever I had wanted to hear wasn’t what he said. He gave me a kind of pained look, like he didn’t want to talk about it. But, then he laughed loudly and made some comment about me sounding a lot like a woman. Then he said, “Bills, you know I love you as a mate. You’re my best friend, best everything. What would Merry be if he didn’t have Pippin to get into trouble with all the time? I like what we’re doing, if you want to stop and you think it’s been awhile, just say so, I don’t mind. Remember, we’re not supposed to be serious and I wouldn’t want to go and ruin our fun with some grand proposal or flowery declaration of love. Besides, something about Dominic Boyd just doesn’t sound right.””
Your heart dropped at the statement. Dominic Boyd actually didn’t have a bad ring to it, but you would never in your wildest dreams admit it. You tried your best afterwards to cover the awkwardness your questions had caused and for the rest of the night, you and Dom managed to avoid any further confrontation. However, it was when he kissed you later that you felt confused. His words had been so empty, simple and straightforward and emotionless, but when he kissed you…and it was like fire and ice, freezing and burning your lips with a passion only Dom had.
It felt like he was worshipping your body. He hadn’t been that attentive since the first time, and you were so charged with emotion that every touch sent a flurry of sensations up your spine and made your chest ache. He thrust into you so tenderly, looking straight into your eyes, that for awhile you forgot you were even having sex.
Then he pulled out abruptly and flipped you both over. Taking your cock and rubbing it against his own, slick with lubricant and pre-cum, he moaned and said in the faintest whisper, “Love me Billy.” If you had known what to say, you would have responded, but fear and passion clouded your mind and blocked out the emotions his statement caused.
As you pressed against the knot of muscle, he arched up to meet you. You felt him relax slightly and pushed harder, letting the tight heat encompass you completely. His cock throbbed between your stomachs, and you let your hand wander down to begin languidly stroking him. The whole situation felt surreal, and you concentrated on telling him without words that you cared about him and would give him anything he asked of you. When you hit his prostate, he cried out, but rather than gripping your hips enough to leave red marks or biting down to suck on your shoulder, he lifted a trembling hand to your face and slid it down your cheek.
His eyes were so filled with emotion and desire and you wanted so much to understand what it all meant, but the sensations overwhelmed you and you closed your eyes to focus on coming to completion. When you finally collapsed on his stomach and rolled over, he cradled you into his chest. It was then that you recognized the ache you had been feeling the entire time had been coming from your heart.
“Then I laughed and he laughed and we finished our dinner and that was the end of it. I never expected him to love me, but I didn’t think it could be so meaningless. I know I never explained it to you, but it’s not a moment I like reliving.”
You look up to see that Lij has burned through two cloves and is lighting up a third. He doesn’t say anything, but instead pulls you in a one-armed hug. You affect a cheery smile and swallow to keep your voice from sounding rough from withheld emotion.
Wordlessly, you both stand up and walk back to Lij’s apartment, your safe haven. If it were up to you, you’d remain lost in the crowds, locked away and secluded from all that can hurt you. You don’t want to think about going back to New Zealand or seeing Dom. You don’t want to think about how much pain and anger that day caused you. You don’t want to think that the Dom you were with that night was the real thing, while the Dom who answered your question was fake. You don’t want to think about all these things, but even on the other side of the world, you can’t get Dom out of your mind.
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'When you hit his prostate, he cried out, but rather than gripping your hips enough to leave red marks or biting down to suck on your shoulder, he lifted a trembling hand to your face and slid it down your cheek. '
I love this line. It's so powerful and shows so much. i wish my comments wud say how fantastic this is and how wonderful i think this story is but im a tard and can't do it very well.
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I'm still so new to this, so I love knowing what anyone thinks, and so any comments are appreciated! And trust me, you definitely made me blush from the praise, just from actually quoting me. I like it when I can get in a few good one-liners.
So, in conclusion to my long comment back to you...THANK YOU! :o) Please keep commenting, I love it, and I promise to get the next chapter out sooner.
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See I like to tell people what lines I like because it's something I would be interested in about my own writing. I think a lot vcan be said in one line.
and of course I'll keep commenting :D
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Well, gee, um...THANKS! That's basically exactly what I'm trying to convey, and I'm so glad that the message is coming through. This is my first fic ever, so all of this is new to me. I guess the empathy comes from the second person voice...I'm not really sure though, but sometimes when I'm writing I feel like I'm someone in the story.
Billy, Dom, Elijah...I don't know, I just adopt the attitude and write whatever meaningful phrases I can come up with. I'm so glad that you're following this because I am really insecure *hides* and this is the kind of feedback that makes me feel like I really should continue this.
Thank you so much for the inspiration and the hugs! *hugs you back* And I promise more is coming SOON!
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