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monaboyd Mar. 18th, 2004 11:46 pm)The 3rd part in the "Experimental Arc". after this, I honestly have no idea how many more parts there will be. I really don't.
Oh, the title is from an At The Drive In Song of the same name that gave me the inspiration for this part. They were pretty damned good and then they broke up. Dammit.
Disclaimers: This is FICTION. If it was true...oh lord. Song and title belong to their respective owners. Prose is mine.
Warnings: Extreme angst. Like really dark and depressing type of angst. Semi-graphic descriptions of self-injury. If you have a problem with this, I honestly suggest you give this one a pass. I am not going to take responsability for your mental well-being. Consider yourself warned.
Pairing: Semi Billeh/Dom, Billeh/Girl.
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fellow_shippers and x-posted tomonaboyd
Summary: Billy thinks about exactly how much Dom and his problems are affecting not just his life, but Billy's as well.
“Dissect a trillion sighs away
Will you get this letter
Jagged pulp sliced in my veins
I write to remember
'Cause I'm a million miles away
Will you get this letter
Jagged pulp sliced in my veins
I write to remember “ At The Drive In.
Sighing raggedly, he looked at the clock and was rudely shocked to discover that it was close to three in the morning, instead of eleven pm as he had previously thought.
He was so tired that he was afraid he was going to cry from sheer exhaustion, and even though his body begged him for sleep; he couldn’t lie down and sleep.
The nagging fear that Dom was gonna do something kept him afraid and awake.
Even though he was literally in the other room and had removed anything that Dom could use to wreak havoc on himself, the jittery feelings wouldn’t fade.
He sighed and rubbed his face roughly again. Even though it didn’t help his tiredness, the motions kept him awake.
He walked over to the counter and poured himself a cup of the thickest, darkest coffee he could coax out of the coffee maker and slams about half of it down before he sat down at the dining table and stared out the window.
The sky was the dull dark of the early morning. The early morning part that signalled the dawn was just around the corner. Seeing the dark midnight blue made Billy frown.
He didn’t understand why he had gotten that feeling of impending doom. Nor why he had decided to forsake a good-night’s sleep based on a creepy whim.
After all, Dom had been fine for the past couple of weeks. It was true that he had had a couple of panic attacks, but it was nothing major. He was *fine*. Getting his life back together, going out with long-ignored friends and acquaintances. Everything was back to normal.
“Are you sure? Or are you just trying to convince yourself of that?” The snarky little voice that his in the edges of his mind asked him.
He hadn’t bothered to reply to it.
Namely cause he was afraid of what the would answer.
He wasn’t sure if he was glad that Dom was getting back to normal or not. Namely because there was something off with the whole thing.
Something didn’t ring true with how Dom was acting. All the smiles, all the parties. The frantic working pace. The sex in the club bathrooms. Nothing seemed right.
And Billy sometimes found himself hoping that it was alright, so that he could go back to living his own life rather than helping Dom live his life.
He sighed and took another sip of his coffee as he tried to push the unwelcome memory of an earlier conversation he had had.
Flashback
“When are you coming back then?” Her voice was edgy, sounding like silk-wrapped steel. A sound that he has learned to be wary of, since it means that he’s getting dangerously close to trouble.
“I don’t know. I’m thinking maybe next week.” he had told her calmly, hoping that by staying calm, he’d be able to diffuse anything that could come up.
She exhales noisily and he knows that he’s somehow blown it with her.
“Why are you doing this?” she asks, her voice quiet, yet screaming louder and more hysterically than Dom in his panicked states ever did.
Billy closed his eyes at that point, not sure why he ever volunteered for the role of saving Dom from himself.
“There’s no one else.” he replied after several minutes of hitched breathing and silence.
She sighs. A heavy, torn type of sigh.
“You’re only prolonging everything, William. And you’re destroying yourself. And although I love you, I’m not going to stick around to wait for you both to self-destruct and pick up the pieces of what could be left of you afterwards. Good bye.”
He didn’t bother to reply to her. He just hangs up and replaces the phone back onto its cradle
End flashback.
He ran his finger around the rim of the cup and idly wondered whether she was right for cutting him out of her life.
After all, when they had started dating, she had only signed up to deal with whatever emotional crap relationships always seemed to have; even the healthy ones. She never had expected to have to deal with the depressed and maybe mentally unstable best friend that needed more emotional care than a child.
He sighed and swirled the liquid in the cup a few times, watching as the murky black coffee sloshed against the white ceramic sides.
Maybe he would try and work things out as soon as everything was stabilized with Dom. Once everything was fixed, he decided that he would try and fix their neglected relationship. He was sure that it wasn’t as hopeless as her voice made it sound.
He grinned a bit to himself then, the anxious feeling lifted from his soul even if it was for just a little bit. He was sure that things were going to go back to the way they were. Dom was going to stop having these attacks and being depressed and he was going to be the same as when they first just met and he was going to be back in Glasgow, with his girl and his quiet life.
He nodded and took a large slug of the coffee, emptying the cup completely.
He swallowed the coffee, sat back and blinked.
And blinked again before his head literally slammed down on the table top.
Sleep had won this time.
~*~*~*~*~
He doesn’t know what it was that woke him up.
Maybe it was the sunshine on his face. Or maybe it was his internal clock; which has never truly adjusted to the time shifts.
He stopped thinking about it because as soon as he became alert and awake, he realized that the feeling was back. But stronger. Nastier. Heavier. Almost tangible in the house.
Not questioning it, he half-ran, half-stumbled over to Dom’s bedroom.
He stopped at the doorway and clenched his jaw so that he wouldn’t make any noise and startle him.
Dom had been busy, if the scattered pieces of a broken vase and rolls of messily gathered gauze were any indication to go by.
Billy let his body lean heavily on the door-frame and he had to press his hand against his mouth to stop either the cries or the recriminations he wanted to so desperately voice.
He stood there and watched in mute horror as Dom kept on slicing, and slicing, the blade sluicing paths through torn-ribbon like flesh and thickly drying blood.
it wasn’t until he sliced too deeply, cutting open a vein that Billy rushed into the room and pulled the shard of glass from Dom’s hand.
They fought for it, and any other shard that Dom tried to get his hands on, but Billy beat him to any of them, finally pinning him down and throwing the glass away from his reach.
They lay there, a tangle of bloodied clothes and limbs until Billy pulled a now limp Dom towards him; whether it was as an embrace or simply to restrain him, Billy couldn’t say.
They sat like that for a long time, not saying a word until Billy picked up the gauze and began to bind up the wounds on Dom’s arms.
“I can’t deal with this anymore, Dommie.”
Dom looked up at Billy’s blood-stained face, not sure how to take the sudden quiet announcement.
Was he going to leave him alone with his demons?
“I’m getting you help.”
END
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The First part is labelled : Carbohydrate, the 2nd part is labelled: Unwelln02 and you can find them both in my memories.
Hope you likes!
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I love your Billy, and I love your Dom, and I love this fic.
Sorry, that was a bit gushing really. I'll stop that now.
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Thank you.
LOL! It's okay! I need the ego stroking! LOL!
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Oh my, am loving this. Totally appeals to my hurt!Dom kink.
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Oh yeah. I know what you mean. I have tow more ideas for this one, so we'll probably get even deeper into that.
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See also: The Mars Volta. ;)
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