monaboyd | (no subject)

Title: If You Could Read My Mind
Author: desire_billy
Pairing: Billy/Dom
Rating: PG
Feedback: Please
Author's Notes: Italics indicate lyrics from If You Could Read My Mind by Gordon Lightfoot.
Summary: Dom listens to Billy sing. Told from Dom’s POV for the most part!

It had been two years since we went our separate ways. It was harder for Billy I guess. We loved each other, but I wanted to move to the states and earn my fame and fortune. Billy was gracious, of course, and supported my decision through pained eyes.

It was about a year later when I realized how much I missed Billy. How much I loved him. How much I wanted him back.

I would call Billy at all hours, usually drunk, expressing my feelings. Billy would listen and tell me it would be all right; that things would look better in the morning. I never knew how much I was hurting him with those calls till his last visit.

I was in between projects and was feeling quite lonely. Elijah called and told me Billy was in town for a few days to attend some meetings. I was hurt that Billy had not called me, and wondered why he didn’t let me know he would be in town.

When I asked Elijah he sighed and said, “Dom, things ended with you two on your terms. Everything between you two has always been on your terms. Billy is trying to move on. You know he has a girlfriend now, right?”

“Of course I do! But he’s supposed to be my best mate!”

I heard Elijah cough, or was it a snort, “Dom, you ended that with all your late night calls of lost love with no follow up calls in the morning! Jesus, Dom, let him go. Listen I’m sorry, but he just wants to get these meetings out of the way and go home. He’s staying with me, so just keep your distance OK? Please try to understand Dominic.”

I sat there looking at the phone in disbelief. Billy didn’t want to see me? I threw the phone across the room watching it break into pieces almost in slow motion. I was such a fool. All those calls I made telling Billy how much I loved him, and I never once called him back till I was drunk and lonely again. God, I was such a prick.

I had to talk to him and apologize. I had to tell him I really did love him, that I really did miss him. I needed Billy in my life. He was my strong hold. He was the only real emotion in my life. He was the hero at the end of the fairy tale that made all the pain worth it. I grabbed my keys and jumped into my car.

I knew Elijah would be pissed that I immediately went against his and Billy’s wishes, but I would make things ok later. I had to let Billy know that I loved him more than anything. I didn’t realize I was crying till I felt a tear drop fall to my arm as I was driving. Fuck! I was so scared. Billy was such a big part of me. He was my strength. I needed to know he still loved me.

I pulled into Elijah’s driveway and barely got the car into park as I jumped out. I ran to the front door and froze. I could hear Billy playing guitar. I knew it was Billy. I knew the way he caressed the string. It sounded like he was on the back deck.

I walked around the side of the house till I could see him. I stayed out of his eyesight watching him tune the guitar. He was sitting cross legged on a lounge chair with the guitar casually draped across his form. He looked so sad.

I wanted to run to him and wrap my arms around him, but something in my head was telling me not to move.

I jumped slightly when I heard him talking to himself. “It’s time to let it all go Bills. It’s over. No more Hobbits, no more fellowship, no more forced feelings of love. Time to get on with your life. Time to be honest.”

I wanted to scream that I was there. I was there for him. I loved him. I watched as he shook his head and looked out to the ocean.

He continued to talk, “I wish I could tell you Dominic. I wish I could talk to you and tell you how I feel. But I can’t. Fuck, I wish I were stronger. God, I wish I could get this song out of my head.”

I couldn’t breathe. He was ending it without me. He was ending our love story as he spoke to the ocean. I could feel the tears in my eyes as I watched him start playing the guitar. As the words flowed from his lips and soul, I sank to the ground.

If you could read my mind love,
What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie
About a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet.
You know that ghost is me
And I will never be set free
As long as I'm a ghost that you can see.

Billy thought he was a ghost in my heart. Perhaps he was right. He would enter my thoughts then disappear again. It probably seemed to him that I only saw his while I was drinking.

If I could read your mind love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstores sell.
When you reach the part
Where the heartaches come
The hero would be me.
Heroes often fail. Hero.

You are my hero Billy. What are saying? You’re not? I need you to be.

And you won't read that book again
Because the endings
Just too hard to take.

Running away from pain had always been easier than facing it. He was right. Billy was always right.

I walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a three way script.
Enter number two,
A movie queen to play the scene of bringing
All the good things out in me,
But for now love lets be real.

Ali made him happy. Billy had told me once he loved me like he never thought possible. That seemed so long ago. She must have made him realize there was more.

I never thought I could act this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feelings gone
And I just can't get it back.
My heart ached.

He didn’t love me anymore. He needed to be set free. Billy was begging me to let him go. I pulled my knees up to my chest and put my face in my hands feeling the tears.

If you could read my mind love,
What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie
About a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet the story always ends.
If you read between the lines
You'll know that I'm just trying to understand
The feeling that you left.

I never stopped loving you Billy. I wanted to tell him that, but it was too late. It was over. No more Billy/Dom.

I never thought I could feel this way
And I got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feelings gone
And I just can't get it back.

Billy sat there strumming the guitar as he finished the song. I could hear him humming. I wanted to stay there forever. I didn’t care that I was sitting in dirt; my legs cramped. I wanted to sit there forever letting Billy’s voice wash over me.

I turned to look at Billy one last time. His profile was beautiful. I had had my chance with him, and I let him go. She now had him. I had to let him go. Let him love her. Let him live his life without feelings of guilt over me. No more late night calls from me. No more words of lost love.

I stood up and wiped the tears from my face. “Good-bye Bill,” I though. “I’m sorry. Have a good life. I hope she makes you as happy as you deserve. I won’t call any more. I will cut the ties now. I love you.”

I walked back to my car and drove away feeling my heart breaking.

~

Billy sat there looking out at the ocean. His heart hurt. He was living a lie. He was lying to himself. He needed to make things right. He had taken the first step. It was one of the hardest things he had ever done. But he knew it was the right thing to do. He had to let go. He knew where his true feeling lie.

Thinking back to his last conversation with Ali he thought it would have been easier if he could have just sung that song to her.

Billy sighed as he looked up to the sky, “I’m sorry Ali. But I love Dominic.”

TBC?