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[lord-alexander.livejournal.com]

Title: Wound Tighter Than A Watch Spring
Author: lord_alexander
Pairing: Billy/Dom which always makes me think of goats.
Rating: R (possibly less, possibly more)
Summary: Dom is stressed, not because he's nervous or anything. A Mancunian? Being nervous? On Oscar night? It would never do. However he is wound up not by the glitz and the glamour, even by the splitting of the Fellowship, but because Billy's not talking to him. Seriously not good.
Disclaimer: Only mine if I get the temerity to kidnap them. Bugger.
Feedback: See me chase it like a dope-smoking penguin living in a tank of sardines.
Author's Notes: This might be a one shot, it might not depending on how this goes. Ultimately I'm shite at multi-chapter but it might be squeezed out of me, lemon-like. But not like a lemon. No, there'll be a plot somewhere, I expect. The title is a blast from the past, a song called Marblehead Johnson by the Bluetones. Shows how old I am, anyway. Okay, stopping jabbering on now.

[Wound Tighter Than A Watch Spring]


Nervousness almost makes your head inflate doesn't it, that light-feeling that is never noticed until you stand then find yourself on a heap on the floor like a wanker. Heap on the floor, fine, specially down the local after a few bevvies with the lads, perfectly fine, nothing to worry about at all. Then there is heap on the floor being broadcast to something like one-sixth of the world's population and then the press going absolutely bollock-spanking insane the next day. Is it drink? Is it illness? Has the publicity been too much? And the bastards would never ever realise the proper reason is standing a hobbit away, hiding behind Sean, smiling that pretty-lipped tight-mouthed smile; if you look at the net as Elijah is wont to that smile makes the more discerning fangirl wet her frilly little knickers. Or my frilly knickers if I wore them. Of course, I wear kecks, I just don't wear knickers. Well, unless someone dares me to and then I would wear them.

Jesus, man, get a grip on yourself, you're English for God's sake. Think stiff upper lips and crumpets, tea and the Queen. Yeah, stay with the Queen. Queen naked, much better, thinking of her naked is putting everything in its place. Prince Phillip naked as well, we can cope with that, Prince Phillip shagging the Queen with added corgies. Prince Phillip...Duke of Edinburgh...Scotland...

FUCK!

Okay, you've got to stop it right now. You're tense. Head, you feel tense, muscles are certainly tense. The painted on patented Dom grin is starting to crease, one of those evil twitch things that always start up when you grin too long. Right, gentlemen, let's move out. Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...why are you not moving? Why are you still posing for the cameras? Come on, come on, otherwise there will be some sort of explosion and that'll be really really messy. And now, fucking ice my cake and call me Nancy, he's looking at me. Or if I was writing this he's looking at me. Or...bugger it, stop italicising words in your head, you ponce.

Come on, you're a Mancunian, you're not going to faint from lack of...breath, there, good Dom, clever Dom, you can have a drink later for remembering to breathe before you passed out into that heap on the carpet. Smile, shiny, good, that's it, the camera loves you, work it baby, work it a little bit, meet in the middle and go just a little bit...this isn't the time to start singing pop songs by the losers in Pop Stars. Right. No Liberty X for you, my lad. God, couldn't half do with a bevvy right now, nice pint'd go down a treat.

Oh! Look! He's not...he...but...why? Why aren't you going to sit next to me? Fucking hell, why are you hiding over there? Look, you were fine on the Jonathan Ross segment, and now you've gone weird and I was just acting normal, for fuck's sake! Like we always do, yeah? You and me against the world, and sod what people are thinking, right? Billy? Billy, pet, shit, never call him pet to his face otherwise you'll really piss him off. Billy? Look at me you fucker. Oh, no, you're just going to watch Billy Crystal, aren't you, you absolute little cunt of a hobbit.

Billy Crystal's singing Frodo and Sam on a mystical planet, then Sméagol pops out like the right boob of Janet. Getting aroused with each time Billy sings... Why won't it go away? Jesus Christ, enough cold showers, enough wanking over pictures of women, well, mostly pictures of women and not a frigging thing helps because when little Dom spies Billy, up he pops like a spring loaded missile.

Not thinking of Billy, not thinking of his philtrum and the way it makes his lips all cupid bow and Jesus they'd be fantastic to just trace. Just run the pad of my thumb over them and see what they feel like. Bet they feel like silk and this is not fucking fair.

Right, pissed off with Billy, no thoughts about him. He's still ignoring me, though, it's a wonder Sean's not frozen yet with the frostiness coming from the other side of him. Maybe fat hobbits have better body heat? If they were all stuck in the Arctic then Sam'd be the one who'd survive longest but then everyone would be wanting to eat him as well. I'd eat Billy. No. Stop. Stupid thought processes going from hate to want to worship to hate. Stop it otherwise I'll just end up going nuts in front of a billion people.

Get this the fuck over with, right? And now time's slowed down to porridge and Bi...no, porridge doesn't have to be Scottish, caught you there, you bastard. Then let's say treacle then, yeah. Time is now treacle and is flowing so bloody slowly that it feels like everyone else is talking at quarter-speed. Maybe it is a proper scientific phenomenon, that when time knows you want it to be fast it gets bolshy and slows right down, and then does the same when you want it to be nice and slow. Maybe Time is an anthropormorphic actuality as opposed to an abstract that doesn't actually exist. If you trapped her? yes her, in a glass clock maybe the world would cease to exist? Maybe to much Terry Pratchett eats your brain?

Eating. Billy...Billy eating...sucking...I'm damned to bloody well fancy the only bloke in this entire room who isn't speaking to me. Everyone else would come up and say hi! So, you're a hobbit, great role, liked your movie then move on to the next bloke, probably Lij and then try and shag him because hell, it's Lij and he's cute. Not like Billy-cute, because that's cuter than Lij-cute anyday, but in a kind of blue-eyed twinkish way.

Whereas Billy's just perfect. Apart when he doesn't fucking well speak to me, or he gets sugar from those bloody doughnuts on me, or when he runs out of those Tunnocks Wafer things. Yeah, and when he's just grumpy. But that's sort of cute when he's grumpy, like if you kiss him he'd be non-miserable though he pouts so prettily when he is miserable and I start getting wound up and now I'm tapping my foot and there's a camera so smile and...

Going to be a long long night.

Comments

[alchemywow.livejournal.com]

The Bluetones were amazing! Bluetonic still gets played regularly round my way. God, maybe I'm showing my age now, too!
Anyway, this was lovely, really great stream-of-consciousness idea to it, and the nervous rabbiting and hopping from one thought to the next was done really well. Seemed very... Dom too. This was a nice little variation on some of the red carpet fics I've been reading lately.
A sequel would be most welcome!

[lord-alexander.livejournal.com]

We're old...*sobs*

[piratesorka.livejournal.com]

This was a fun little fic to read while I was munching my breakfast.

Right, pissed off with Billy, no thoughts about him. He's still ignoring me, though, it's a wonder Sean's not frozen yet with the frostiness coming from the other side of him

Brrr...do we get to find out why Billy is so frosty or was this just a stand alone ficlet?

[lord-alexander.livejournal.com]

Probably, though not until Monday because I'm not allowed to be pervy when my Mummy is home looking after me.

*shifty look*

[clonion.livejournal.com]

Mmmm, lovely. Like the cyclical feel, how no matter how he tries, he still ends up thinking about the same thing. Nice one.

[lord-alexander.livejournal.com]

The cyclical way men always end up about sex...or the cyclical way I always end up writing about sex. Yes. And thinking about it.

*gropes your lovely arse greatly*

[lord-alexander.livejournal.com]

*blushes* it's the first time I've ever written Dom, I usually prefer doing Billy if you excuse that turn of phrase.

Thank you. So scarlet that my head could be used to generate central heating for fourteen homes.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_riz/]

::giggles:: That was fabulous. Almost seemed a bit OVER-British at times, but I see that you actually ARE British, so it's forgiven. ;) You really captured an internal sense of Dom's external twitchiness.

Or...bugger it, stop italicising words in your head, you ponce.

BRILLIANT. ::is guilty of that::

If they were all stuck in the Arctic then Sam'd be the one who'd survive longest but then everyone would be wanting to eat him as well. I'd eat Billy. No. Stop.

Heheheh... so many bits made me laugh, but this one made me snort.

[lord-alexander.livejournal.com]

Sorry, I speak like that, so it just seems normal to me. Does it really seem different though if an American or someone has written a fic full of Britishisms when compared to a Brit who has written it? I've always wondered.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_riz/]

See, it's hard to answer that... When I say "almost too British" it's not saying that it's overdone, but perhaps done in a way that is maybe not always how Dom or whoever would actually talk/think, based on the interviews, TV appearances, etc. You can usually tell when someone American really has an adequate grasp of UK slang/speech patterns, and when they're just tossing in "bloody" and "wanker" every few sentences. The difference between good American and good British, though... I guess, like I said, it reads differently because it's obviously real British usage, but not necessarily real Dom/Billy/etc. usage, so it still jumps out as "y'know, I've never heard him say that before." Not to say he *wouldn't*, but...

Gah, this comment is way too disordered. ::kicks brain:: Sorry. o_O

[lord-alexander.livejournal.com]

Nae, don't worry. The problem for me is that I've either ever only lived in Wales, which has its own slang, and Scotland. The part of Scotland which is sort of far away from Glasgow. But I do know people who do live in Manchester and Glasgow, so I try and bring slang in. Because I forget *doh* that they've been away from home for so long that the dialect has softened, that the slang now is probably different tot he slang they knew. Plus as have not got broadband (ten days to go! Argh! Argh!) I can't actually see their interviews or downloand their transcripts of what they say. Not excusing myself, o'course.

[niku2.livejournal.com]

you are hereby commanded by me, the empress of...well, just me, to write more.

[lord-alexander.livejournal.com]

Yeth, Mithtreth...

*gobs all over you*

[sunsetmog.livejournal.com]

Tunnocks Caramel Wafers.

There is no need for any more words.

*grins*

[lord-alexander.livejournal.com]

It's the Love, I tell you, The One True Love.

*honorary member of the Tunnocks Caramel Wafer Appreciation Society. Hurrah!*

[tweeasfuck.livejournal.com]

*is committee member*

Some day, I will write Dom/Billy wafer!sex.

Probably while drunk, just after a meeting.

[sunsetmog.livejournal.com]

*digs around in wallet*

Am actually member of the Tunnocks Caramel Wafer Appreciation Society. And I have the scrap of paper to prove it.

Aha!

[zahz87.livejournal.com]

Aww i love it when a Brit writes a fic with loads of Britishisms in it, makes it that more refreshing.

[tweeasfuck.livejournal.com]

We like it muchly, dear. But we need a sequel!

This needs resolution.

You mentioned the Holy Tunnock. This is a Good Thing.

Noticed one typo- "Maybe to much Terry Pratchett eats your brain?" but that was all.

I remember that song too, but then I am almost as old and past it as you are ;)

[lord-alexander.livejournal.com]

Dammit, that's happening too often, that is. I think this keyboard is eating my 'o's. Evil piece of shite *grumblegrumble*

The Holy Tunnock is Truly Holy Indeedy.

[unstealthy.livejournal.com]

OMG, perfect Dom inner voice, loveitloveitloveit.

*licks*

PleaseOplease write a sequel.

[krystalshay.livejournal.com]

I love your style of writing in this piece. It captures Dom's nervousness and fidgety energy very well. I hope there is more? ::bats eyelashes::

[lord-alexander.livejournal.com]

There will be, I hope, if my Mother leaves me alone and sods off. Gah! Evil parental unit lurkage i just...evil.

[irish-cocktail.livejournal.com]

*pets*
howdy! :D

lovelovelove you. and your writings. and everything else.
lovely internal dialogue voice. very much teh dom.
funny little run-on train-of-thoughts-crashing type effect. almost hurried, but in an excellent way of course.

im dumb. ^^; great writings.
laterz