Your Hideout 1/1

[konishi-zen.livejournal.com]

This is me, feeling extremely NOT perky.

Your Hideout

Disclaimer: I don't own the people or the songs. Prose is mine.

Warning: Angst. Self-injury. 14 M rating

Pairing: Dom/Billy.

Archiving/FB: Yeah, on both counts. Let me know 1st.

Posted: on monaboyd  and x-posted to fellow_shippers

Summary: Billy's running and thinking about the "untouchable" Dom.

Your Hideout

“I've made it my dear face it, I still kiss the darkness
What I've wasted, I still taste it, I'm sickened and hardened
I'm gonna tear, I'm gonna tear your walls down
I'm gonna tear, I'm gonna tear your walls down”-Pilate

I run through the thick air, not caring that the cold is burning my lungs with every step I run. Not caring that my feet are freezing as the snow crawls into my trainers.

The physical pain spurs me on, and I feel alive. Even though my body wants to quit, I won’t let it.

I want to destroy it. I want to tear it to bits.

I want my heart to burst in my chest. Into a thousand hot pieces, so that the heavy ache you left in it isn’t apparent anymore.

So that I can die without crying.

So that all the tears that well up every time I find your face staring at me will evaporate with a small hiss.

I don’t sleep anymore. I just feel cold and sick all over.

I try to bury myself into unfamiliar flesh so that my body will lose its’ memory of your skin. Your scent. Your hair. Your taste.

Maybe the others know what I’m running away from. Or maybe they don’t and take my attentions as flattery for their beauty.

I won’t disabuse them of the notion.

After all, we all need a meagre form of illusion if we’re to survive the cruel grayness of this fucked up world.

My knee’s starting to ache, the pavement I practically stomp on is too hard. The ice and the cold made it so. I should stop and give it a rest somewhere.

But I can’t.

I don’t want to give up the control of the pain.

It’s all that’s left to me after you left.

I grit my teeth and force myself to keep on running.

It doesn’t matter. I’m nearly home.

Nearly being at least ten more blocks.

I wish I could have been the one to peel all your layers away. To have seen the reality you hide behind those jewel-eyes.

Were you that afraid of letting go? Is that why you encased your heart in a block of ice?

Is that why you never let me touch you so freely, yet demanded I tear my insides out with a crystal blade for you?

I want to reach into your walls. I want to find out what you hide deep inside. I want to see it all.

I want to share your pain. I want to give you mine.

I want our blood to mingle. I want to claim you as mine.

I think I’ve pushed too far.

I think I pushed too much.

My knee pops out with a crunchy wet pop and I fall in the middle of the road.

The ice seeps into my back. I’m cold and starting to get wet.

The sky’s grey above me.

There’s no colour.

Not even the tears I weep have it.

I close my eyes.

I can’t get into your hideout, I guess.

I failed.

It hurts.

End.

Comments

[eowirethien.livejournal.com]

wow. that was good writing.

[konishi-zen.livejournal.com]

*bows* thank you. Glad you liked it.

[puellaestella.livejournal.com]

Wow...that was incredible.
"The sky’s grey above me.
There’s no colour.
Not even the tears I weep have it.
I close my eyes.
I can’t get into your hideout, I guess.
I failed."
You totally yanked emotions around in me. I just don't even know how to describe what you did, or how you did it, but it worked.

[konishi-zen.livejournal.com]

I have to confess, that's how this story was written. I was feeling all of this and I had to yank it ou...I'm really stoked to hear that it did the same for you. It's a great compliment you have paid me.

Thanks.

[el-erzulie.livejournal.com]

:( Wibble. Billeh. That was gorgeous writing, as someone else has said. <3 So sad and yet so pretty, too.

[konishi-zen.livejournal.com]

I know. I pick on Bille too much..he he..well, you know what they say, you hurt the ones you love the most.

*bows* thank you. I'm glad you liked it.

[konishi-zen.livejournal.com]

*blinks* Wait. I'm confused. Are you talking about the band's age? or my age?

If you are talking about A) I think Pilate is in their mid twenties to thirties. b) I'm 24 going on 25.

*raises eyesbrows* To tell you the truth, I've never actually watched Dawson's Creek, so that comment has only served to make me go "What is this person ranting on about?"

Also, I'm sorry that my depression and my emotions don't qualify as "real angst" in your book.

I could tell you about my life, but quite honestly, I don't know you from Adam and I don't think I should justify my "fake fucken watched too much Dawson's creek" angst to you anymore than I have here.

And as a matter of fact, yes, I do listen to the Smiths. Does that qualify me to be part of the woe is me early 80's angst club?

Look, I understand if you didn't like my story. Or my emotions or the way I presented them, but your commentary was quite frankly not very eloquent as to why you found this unnaceptable.

In fact, it honestly looked like you made a list of insults and posted them here.

And quite honestly, your diction, grammar and punctuation are terrible. If you want to insult me, please, at least put some thought into it.

[konishi-zen.livejournal.com]

Actually, the point was to make it seem like an universal phase that people would at some point have gone through in their lives.

Billy seemed like the right person to be going through that at that point in time, that was why I picked him to be the one having this stream of consciousness.

As for the emotions rining false to you, hey, that's the way you see it. Like I said before, I'm sorry that the way I express and think about my emotions seem false to you.

Emotions don't have anything to do with age, or so I've been told/Believe, so if you feel that way, hey, all power to you.

And like I said before, I don't know you and I won't justify myself further to you.

Well, when I was taught English, I was told to capitalize the words at the beginning of sentences, etc. Unless you were e.e. cummings.

I admit, that yeah, my grammar *did* slip at that point, but then English is my second language and I do tend to forget stuff once in a while.

Bye.