monaboyd | A Cup of Coffee

Title: A Cup of Coffee - 4/7
Author:

dylan_dufresne
Pairing: BB/DM
Rating: R
Summary: This idea came to me after listening to ’Cup of Coffee’ by Garbage, but isn’t a song fic.
Feedback: Would be greatly appreciated as it’s my drug of choice.
Disclaimer: Not at all true in reality. This is my imagination at work.
A/N: Warning of angst.
Previous: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Part 4

Exhausted from a long week of shooting, Dom stifles a yawn as he climbs out of his car and makes his way into his house on the beach, pausing at the front door when he hears music coming from within. A moment later he grins, remembering that Elijah was due to arrive today, so they can visit over the weekend. After a busy week delving in the psyche of Charlie, the heroin-addicted has-been rock star, hanging out with the American is exactly what Dom needs.

"Doodle?" he calls as he kicks the door shut behind him.

"Kitchen," Elijah replies, rather muffled as though he has his mouth full.

At the doorway, the two friends hug tightly, and Elijah hands Dom as beer as they part, his mouth moving in a chewing motion.

"I see you made yourself at home," Dom teases.

"You told me to," Elijah retorts with a grin after he swallows. "I saw you had fuck all in your cupboards, so I went shopping."

"Crisps and beer?"

"Well, yeah."

Laughter is shared as Dom give Elijah a tour of the beach front house, showing him the airy bedroom where he'll be sleeping, and ending up outside on the lanai, his favorite spot. He spends a great deal of time out there, watching sunrises and sunsets, in and out of the water, as he finds it very peaceful.

"This is fucking incredible," Elijah tells him, trying to take in all the beauty around them, mesmerized by the ocean. "If I lived here, I'd never go to work."

Dom laughs, familiar with the urge. "Surfing is good, too."

The American watches a wave roll in towards the shore and groans in longing. "I'll bet."

"We'll go in the morning, if you want."

"You've got a board I can use?" Elijah asks hopefully.

"Of course."

Throughout their conversation as the evening passes, it doesn't escape Elijah's attention that Dom seems to have thrown himself into work head first, in an attempt to distract himself. The best actors use their own pain to make their character as real as possible, and Dom's clearly doing that now. It's the only thing he can do, as he tries to dull the sharp edges and allow his wounded heart to heal.

They stay up past midnight, catching up on each others lives, but that doesn't stop Dom from rising early in the morning and making a pot of coffee to tease Elijah out of bed. The sea is calling to him, as it does often, and once they're dressed in board shorts, the two friends wade into the ocean, bathed in the light of the rising sun. They paddle out a long way, and then straddle their surfboards to catch their breath, waiting for the perfect wave.

"It's amazing out here," Elijah says softly, drawing his fingertips through the warm water.

"Reminds me of New Zealand, when we all learned to surf," Dom replies with a faraway look in his eyes, lost in memories. "I spend a lot of time out here, thinking."

"He knows you're here, in Hawaii," Elijah tells him, eyes averted as he waits for Dom's reaction.

It's the first time the subject of the Scotsman has come up since the day Elijah found Dom and comforted him. He's tried to give Dom space, but some things need to be told.

"Oh."

"He called Mac last week, looking for you, and then he talked to Sean."

"I wrote him an email a while back, but I haven't sent it yet," Dom reveals. "I guess I should."

Elijah's eyes fill with sympathy. "Only if you want to; if you're ready."

"He wanted us to stay friends, and I miss that part of us," Dom admits as his head dips to shield his eyes. "But I don't know when I’ll get used to thinking of him as my mate and not-"

"Has enough time passed?" Elijah wonders aloud. "Maybe a first step would be good for both of you. A way to move on."

"I don't think I'll ever fall in love again," Dom says quietly, not surprised when Elijah opens his mouth to protest. "Not like I did with Bill."

"Dom, you deserve to be happy," Elijah tells him earnestly. "To share your life with someone who cares about you."

"I know, and I'm not saying that I'm going to be a monk or something. I like sex too much for that," Dom says, smiling briefly when Elijah snorts out a laugh and splashes him. "I'm just saying that love like that only happens once in a lifetime. I know my heart can't take that again."

"Dom-"

"I want to keep a part of it in my heart," Dom whispers, his eyes growing bright as he rubs the sore spot on his chest. "But I have to let the hope go, or it's going to drag me under and drown me. Kill me."

It's in that moment that Elijah understands why Dom has spent so much time surfing, as it's been a form of therapy, a way to let go of the pain. He accepts that a part of Billy will be with him always, but that he has to move forward, or he'll be lost to the sadness forever.

"I keep dreaming that he shows up here, waiting for me when I get home from set, or he sends me a drink in a pub, wanting to take it all back," Dom admits, a bit embarrassed. "I'll be driving and I'll think I see his car, but it's never him. I go for a walk and wonder if I'll run into him, when he's trying to work up the nerve to come talk to me."

"Dom-"

"This isn't how it was supposed to end, yeah?" Dom interjects. "This isn't how I thought my life would be, sitting in a pub, drinking his favorite scotch and wishing that I'd never been born."

"You know I'm just a phone call away," Elijah offers, smiling weakly when Dom looks over at him, trying to offer some kind of hope that Dom won’t feel this way forever.

Dom nods slowly. "I'm glad you're here."

* ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ *

With Elijah's help, Dom finally works up the nerve to send Billy an email, filling him in on recent events along with his change of address, and over the next two months, a new friendship slowly evolves. At first, things are awkward, as expected, but as time passes, the memories of the connection they had in New Zealand returns. They were best mates before they became lovers, and it's an integral part of their relationship.

It surprises Dom how much he missed it, and he's grateful when they settle into a comfortable routine, checking in with one another on a regular basis. Emails fly back and forth, Billy keeping Dom in the loop about what he's doing at the theatre, and all the things Dom is doing on the LOST set. All is well until Billy calls one morning, the uncertainty and nervousness in his voice almost palpable. Dom braces himself for the words he's dreaded, and when they're uttered, his eyes close to prevent the tears of sorrow from escaping.

"I need to tell you that I met someone and we're getting serious," Billy begins. "And I didn't want you to hear it from someone else."

"That's great," Dom replies after swallowing a mouthful of coffee, forcing himself to smile, even as his heart shatters.

Truth be told, he'd held out just a sliver of hope that Billy would change his mind, call Dom and tell him that he'd made a horrible mistake, but that doesn't seem very likely now. Dom's been replaced, and now a new love warms Billy's heart, along with his bed.

"She's nice," Billy adds softly. "She's a dancer; a ballerina, actually."

A lump lodges in Dom's already constricted throat. "Oh."

The fact that Dom's been replaced by a woman doesn't make it sting any less; in fact, it causes more doubts to be raised in Dom's mind. Ballerinas are small and feminine, delicate and graceful. All the things Dom isn't. Perhaps part of the reason why Billy broke up with him is because he missed being with a female, and the ballerina can give him something that Dom couldn't. It was a lingering doubt Dom had early on, when he found out that Billy had never been in a serious relationship with a bloke before.

"Dom-"

"Hey Bills, you caught me at a bad time. I just got back from surfing and I'm dripping all over the floor," Dom interrupts, cringing internally at the blatant, flimsy lie. "I should get going, but thanks for calling. Good luck, yeah?"

"Aye, okay." If Billy doesn't believe him, he's tactful enough not to press it. He's done what was needed. Dom knows about her.

"I'll ring you next week."

"Sure."

Mercifully, the devastating phone call is ended, and Dom is grateful that he could lie just long enough to escape being tortured with any further details. He truly does want Billy to be happy, to get everything he's ever dreamed of, but in his heart, Dom always thought he'd be part of that package. Knees suddenly rubbery, he sinks down to the couch, still clutching the cordless phone to his now aching chest, and almost automatically, Dom presses a number. The line rings twice, and then a cheerful voice floats on the heavy air, into his ear.

"Dom?" Elijah prompts when the other man doesn't speak. "What's wrong?"

"He met someone," Dom whispers. "It's getting serious, he says."

"Shit."

"She's a dancer."

"She?" Elijah repeats in surprise.

"She," Dom confirms. "A bloody ballerina. Can you believe it?"

"Dom, I- I'm sorry."

"Me too." Dom sighs and falls silent for a long moment. "I didn't think it would be so soon."

"Yeah."

"Is it wrong to think that he'd need more time? To get over us, I mean."

"No, it's not wrong, Dom," Elijah tells him, aching to reach through the phone to offer his friend some much needed comfort. "For what it's worth, I don't think he'll ever get over you completely. What you two had was special."

"What can she give him that I couldn't?" Dom asks miserably, knowing that there's no answer that will make him feel any better.

"I don't know, Dom."

Wrapping his free arm around his aching chest, Dom adds, "It hurts to breathe."

"I'll get a flight over," Elijah announces. "I’ll call the airline and-"

"No, don't do that."

"But Dom-"

"I'll be all right," Dom tells him, fighting to regain control of his emotions before they overwhelm him completely. "It just happened and I needed to say it out loud before I convinced myself that it was all a nightmare."

Elijah exhales heavily. "Okay."

"This is real, and I need to get used to it."

"If you change your mind-"

"Thanks Doodle."

"My cell is always on," Elijah adds. "Call me. Day or night."

"You're a good mate," Dom says softly. "Don't know if I tell you that enough."

"You do."

"Okay."

After taking a few days to absorb the painful news and taking refuge in music and the ocean, Dom finds himself in a familiar place. A tattoo shop, where the sharp aroma of antiseptic and the buzzing of the needle is a comfort, reminding him of the day the Fellowship made a similar journey in New Zealand.

Reclined in comfortable chair, he watches silently as the words that he hasn't been able to get out of his mind are permanently inked into his bicep.

Living is easy with eyes closed

Never has a phrase been more true for Dom, and as he has done several times in the past, he chooses to mark the significant change in his life with something permanent. Billy has moved on, found someone new, and is hasn’t mattered that Dom waited, hoping that he’d change his mind. As much as Dom loves Billy, it’s time to open his eyes, accept that he wasn’t able to convince Billy to come back.

The dream is over.

* ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ *

Thanks to Elijah's gentle encouragement, Dom makes a concerted effort to be more social; following Billy's lead in an attempt to find some happiness of his own. He doesn't refuse invitations to the pub after working on set all day, even when he'd much rather be alone. As a result, the hours that he'd normally spend thinking about what might've been is filled with new friends and laughter. Then, after a few months, Dom begins to form a companionship of sorts.

Except when he's lying in bed at night, waiting to fall asleep, Dom doesn't have as much time to think about what he used to have. What he's lost. The irony of the name of the television series he's working doesn't escape his attention, and Dom sometimes wonders if being stranded on a desert island would be better than how things ended. Some days, it's a hard struggle against the depression that pulls at him, but over and over, Dom does all he can to resist. Not that he'd admit it to anyone, but part of the reason is because he knows he can't count on Billy to help him this time. He's on his own.

That's part of the reason for the companionship. Dom's theory is that it's better than anonymous sex in dark alleys. An understanding between friends, and can't be compared to what he and Billy had. When the need is there, both have somewhere to go. There's no expectation that this is a serious, long term relationship. Many nights, Dom sleeps alone, sprawled on his stomach, hugging a pillow, much like he used to curl up with Billy. There are times, however, that having a warm body next to Dom is of great comfort, and if he closes his eyes, can imagine that it's someone else.

Dom also begins a love affair with the ocean, surfing or swimming every single day, using his beloved beach house as a refuge. During the day, he immerses himself in Charlie's world, and uses the sea at night to wash away the empty, painful existence he portrays on screen. It's not what he planned, but right now, it's the best can do, until there is room in his heart for something else. Right now, the ghost of Billy still lingers.

One day Dom's mobile rings while he's on set, and he answers it when he realizes that it's Billy. It's unusual for the Scotsman to call at this time of day, so Dom knows it must be important, and hopes that something bad hasn't happened. Billy's lost too much in his life already. Thankfully, the news isn't dire, but widens the distance between the once tight-knit friends just the same. Billy's ballerina is going to have a baby. Billy is going to be a father, and he chooses to share the news with Dom first, after his sister, of course.

Turbulent emotions battle in Dom's head as he absorbs the news, offering heartfelt congratulations, because Billy will be a wonderful father. Soon there will be a new life in the world to carry on his beautiful green eyes and soft ginger hair. After enduring loss so early in life, Billy will now have an addition to the Boyd family tree. Deep down, Dom has wondered if such an event was inevitable. That's what men and women do, after all. They have babies; the one thing Dom could never give Billy, no matter how much he wants to.

The news decimates the last shred of hope that Dom was clinging to, and he braces himself for the wedding announcement, but to his surprise, there is no mention of such an event. Guiltily, Dom is tremendously grateful; as he's not sure he could take it at the moment and continue the happy façade. Instead, he's cheerful and congratulatory, as his Mum and Dad taught him to be in such circumstances, and offers his services as a baby-sitter when the time comes. He should be finished filming the season finale by then.

After saying goodbye to Billy and ringing off, Dom is thankful that he's nearly finished shooting for the day, with three days off looming in the not so distant future. He plays his part to perfection as the scene unfolds, and even gets complimented on his portrayal of the barely restrained torment and sorrow. Nobody knows that Dom's not acting in that moment. Once finished, Dom escapes to his trailer, where he can have some privacy, and pull himself together.

That evening, Dom opts to be alone, stretching out on the lanai, staring out at the ocean and sipping from a tumbler of scotch, absently refilling the glass over and over again until he passes out. Although he doesn't consciously acknowledge it, he's desperately trying to find some escape from the pain, even if it's just for a little while. He's haunted by vivid dreams of the life he will never have, sleeping fitfully and then waking at dawn when the sun pushes above the horizon.

Without even knowing where he's going, Dom wanders up the coastline at the water's edge, his heart aching so deeply he wonders if it will ever stop. It's only the urge to surf that makes Dom turn around, the sun warming his shoulders. Even though the phone is ringing when he steps into the beach house to grab his surf board, he ignores it, and doesn't break stride. The world will have to wait for now.

The sea is calling to Dom, inviting him closer, and he obeys, for he knows all too well the peace that can be found on the waves. They are his therapy, the reason he's gotten this far and hasn't drown in sorrow. Out there, he can surrender to the elements, give himself to a power bigger than himself, and let the sea swallow his pain. He knows that he can stay out there as long as needed, and when his toes touch the sand, he'll be able to breathe again.

* ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ *

Part 5

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Date: 2008-01-10 05:03 pm (UTC)

From:

nakannalee.livejournal.com

no subject

I'm loving this so much, despite how painful parts of it are to read! You've really called on some great points in real life to enhance the believability of your world. And it's especially coinciding with that old Rolling Stones article. This has been great to read every day--looking forward to more!

Date: 2008-01-11 02:43 am (UTC)

dylan-dufresne.livejournal.com

I tried to follow the time line of their lives, at least in general, taking a wee bit of poetic license. And that Rolling Stones article was never far from my mind.

Thank you!

Date: 2008-01-10 05:18 pm (UTC)

pippins-penny.livejournal.com

oh man, this is painful. But Iam loving this as well and look forward to reading more!

Date: 2008-01-11 02:44 am (UTC)

Awwww. I'm sorry. My Muse is so mean, isn't he?

Thanks muchly...

Date: 2008-01-10 09:46 pm (UTC)

shelley6441.livejournal.com

Your fic has the underlying feelings and emotions of RL experiences, or perhaps you just have a genuine understanding of empathy. Reading this certainly brings back my own sorry experiences with an unrequited affair. Poor Dommie. And to cap things off, I just learned that Charlie Pace was killed off in the LOST season finale back in May - those sorry bastards, but Dom was wasted on that show in any case.

Dylan, you are killing me *wipes tears*

Date: 2008-01-11 02:53 am (UTC)

I tend to use my own experiences to give emotions in fic some authenticity. I've done my share of crying over the years, and I find it helpful now, which whelps to make the pain worth it - if that makes any sense.

Dom was definitely wasted on Lost. The producers don't know what they've given up. Bah.

Thank you very much.