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monaboyd Aug. 6th, 2007 07:48 pm)
hyacinth-sky747.livejournal.com posting in monaboyd Aug. 6th, 2007 07:48 pm)Comfortable Skin
d/b
R
Disclaimer: It’s not true. I made it up.
Billy was sweating. Dom could feel the warmth of him and the dampness of his skin. The day had been hot and the setting of the sun had offered little in the way of relief. It occurred to Dom that he might be cooler if he wasn’t sitting so close to his friend and wondered why, exactly, he was sitting so close.
This thought sent something like a shock through him. Why the hell had it never occurred to him before? Did he always sit this close to Billy? He thought quickly back over the months. His face warmed as he thought of the countless occasions in those months that had found him nestled against Billy’s side, much as he was now. In fact, he realized, he always sat next to Billy. He always touched him in some fashion or other. Always.
Dom’s heart began to hammer and he looked around at the other people in the room in alarm. Had anyone else noticed? They must have done. They probably remarked on it to each other. Perhaps they pitied Billy. Perhaps Billy was shamed by it. The thought was unbearable.
“Dom? You okay?”
“I’m…” Dom was not okay but there was no reason he could think of to claim for his sudden malaise. “I’m warm. I think I need to lie down.”
He staggered to his feet and stumbled out of the living room. His bedroom was, in fact, cooler and he flung himself on the bed and buried his burning face in the cool pillows.
There was a knock at the door.
“Dom?”
“I’m alright. Go back to the others, Bill.”
Billy didn’t. He came and sat on the edge of the bed and laid a hand on Dom’s forehead.
“Don’t fuss.”
“I’m not. I’ll get you water.” Billy left then and Dom writhed in misery for a moment. He was acutely embarrassed. It didn’t help that he wanted desperately for Billy to come back with water and a cool cloth and words of comfort. He felt he ought not to want these things and felt himself an imposition.
Billy did come back with the promised water and a cool flannel and another fan. Dom wanted to protest that he was fine really, but he didn’t. He let Billy coddle him, and felt like a cheat and a liar for doing so. When Billy settled down beside him on the bed and put a comforting hand on Dom’s knee, Dom felt like a lecher, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull away.
~*~
Dom forced himself to stop. He banished any amorous thoughts of Billy from his mind. He thought this would make him feel better, but, if anything, he felt more false. He tried not to be alone, to not sit still, to not think. If he didn’t think, he needn’t lie to himself. He drank more and talked enthusiastically to girls at the pub. He even succeeded in bringing two of them home with him. Both of these encounters were spectacular disasters. The first girl was tiny and fair, and after Dom had undressed her he realized with a sort of horror why he had chosen her. She reminded him of someone. Dom had come far too quickly and though she was kind about it, Dom was too embarrassed to ever ring her again.
The second girl he brought home was deliberately the opposite of Billy in every way. She was tall, and dark and sullen. Dom wasn’t even able to get it up and had sent her away rather crossly. After she left Dom felt ashamed for treating her so poorly, but more than that, he felt terribly alone and afraid. He was mortification made flesh. He was certain he’d never feel comfortable with himself again. Love was a horror to him.
~*~
Billy didn’t notice that Dom always sat on top of him until he no longer did it. The evening was much like any other that passed since he had arrived in New Zealand. There had been a barbeque and then everyone had sat around Viggo’s living room and talked and joked for hours. Billy was smoking more than he normally did. He needed something to do with his hands and wondered vaguely what usually kept them occupied. He felt unsettled for a reason he could not identify.
He realized with a jolt that he hadn’t talked to Dom all evening. In fact, Dom had been unusually silent and subdued. Billy missed him. His hands missed him. He was use to having his hands tangled in Dom’s hair, or playing with the rings on Dom’s fingers, or fiddling with his ears. Dom, or rather, Dom’s absence, was the reason for Billy’s unsettled feeling. He felt unaccountably irritated, and without thinking he looked crossly at Dom sitting morosely across the room.
“Why are you way over there?” he demanded.
The conversation ceased for a moment and Billy realized he had just interrupted a joke Ian was telling. Dom’s face turned red and Billy thought he might be angry but Dom just shrugged.
“Come here. I miss you.”
Dom looked for a moment like he might comply. When he stood, he wobbled slightly. He frowned at his legs and then turned and strode from the room. Billy ignored the uncomfortable silence from the others and went after him.
~*~
The night was cool and breezy and Dom was trying unsuccessfully to light a cigarette in the darkness. He slumped against the wall as Billy approached.
“Go back, Bill.”
“I won’t. You’ll tell me what I’ve done first.”
Dom looked at him in surprise. “You haven’t done anything, Bill.”
“I have. You haven’t even looked at me properly in…” Billy paused to think. “It’s been weeks, Dom.”
Dom hung his head. “Has it? I didn’t think you’d noticed.”
Billy sighed. “I didn’t. Just tonight I realized…What is it, Dom?”
Dom shook his head. “It’s nothing. It’s just…I loathe myself right now. I’m not…fit to be around…you.”
“That’s absurd, Dom. Of course you’re fit to be around me.”
“I’m not.”
“Why? What did you do that was so horrible?”
“Nothing.”
“So…?”
“I think things. I have thoughts I ought not to have.”
“Thoughts?” Billy paused. An understanding was dawning on him, but he wasn’t certain, and to be wrong might be…embarrassing. “You…thoughts about me?”
Dom just looked miserable and Billy’s heart ached for him.
“You don’t have to tell me,” Billy said quickly, but he thought that might sound like he didn’t want to be told. “I mean, you can. You can talk to me, Dom, but if you’d rather, I can get someone else.” It hurt Billy to say that, to admit that he might not be the one Dom needed. “Elijah maybe?”
Dom laughed without mirth. “No.”
“Ian?”
This odd choice of confidant for him made it clear to Dom that Billy understood.
“No!” It was a forceful cry, a denial, and Dom pulled at his own hair in punishment for the lie.
“Stop!” Billy cried, reaching out to grab at Dom’s hands, but Dom turned away from him fiercely and slapped the wall with the palm of his hand.
“Get away from me, Bill. I’m no good.”
“Don’t say that!” Billy knew he was yelling but he wasn’t angry. He was frightened. Dom’s misery scared Billy. He had never seen this side of him. He had always seen Dom as a sunny sort of fellow, didn’t realize how easily his friend could sink into despair. Billy was upset with himself for not having noticed the change in Dom sooner. He made himself take a deep breath.
“Dom? Dom, look at me.” Dom didn’t and Billy didn’t force him. “Dom, you can’t hate yourself for this. I’m not sure what it is but you can’t. How can you hate yourself when so many people love you?”
“You know what it is,” Dom said quietly. He still wouldn’t look at Billy. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, Bill. I didn’t look for it. It just…snuck up on me. In a moment. There it was.”
“Dommie, stop. Stop all this. I don’t…I don’t know what to say right now and you’re in no condition to…You’re worn out with hating yourself. I wish you wouldn’t. I love you. Can’t you just trust that for now? I know you’re not horrible and you don’t deserve the misery you’ve put yourself through.”
Dom looked at him then and there was a bit of hope in his eyes.
“You don’t think I’m disgusting?”
“No, I don’t, and you’ll have to trust my judgment because you’re not fit to judge yourself right now.”
Tears sprang to Dom’s eyes and he looked away again. Billy let him. He reached out and squeezed Dom’s shoulder.
“Look. I’ve touched you and I’ve not turned to dust.”
Dom laughed, a little shakily, but Billy took it as a good sign.
“Come back inside. Come sit by me like you use to. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed my friend.”
Dom shook his head. He waved his hand in the direction of the house.
“They’ll all…”
“They’ll what? Stone you? Led by Sir Ian? They won’t even know. They’re drunk.”
Dom wiped his face with the back of his hands. “Give me a minute?”
“You promise? You won’t bugger off?”
“I promise.”
Billy reentered the house and sat in his chair. Orlando opened his mouth to inquire after Dom but Viggo, seeing the closed look on Billy’s face, kicked him softly in the ribs and everyone ignored his entry as if he hadn’t left.
Dom came in shortly and Ian started up a long tale rather loudly. Everyone gave him their undivided attention. Dom wasn’t fooled by this show but he was grateful. He knew his face was still red and blotchy. He slunk over and sat on the floor between Billy’s knees. Billy wove his fingers into Dom’s hair and smiled down at him. Dom didn’t look up but he felt the smile like the warmth of sunlight on his head. He hitched a deep breath and curled one arm around Billy’s calf and leaned his head against Billy’s knee.
Ian’s monologue paused for the briefest of moments as he took in this scene. A smile flickered on his face, followed by a frown. He spoke on and Dom listened. None of Ian’s words made sense to him but the cadence comforted him. He was worn threadbare. He fell asleep clutching Billy’s knee.
~*~
Billy had his own moment of self-loathing. He didn’t know what to do. The next day Dom was so fragile, but also, in his relief, somewhat like his old self. Billy didn’t want to broach the subject, to destroy Dom’s fragile hold on happiness. So he didn’t. He left Dom on tenterhooks and hated himself for it.
In the end he turned to the only person he could think of.
“He’d hate me if he knew I confided in you,” he said without preamble.
Ian stopped walking. “So why are you?”
Billy shrugged. “I’m lost.”
“And I’m your map?”
“No. I need…time. I…it’s new and I…”
“So ask him for time.”
“It would hurt him.”
“You’re considering it.”
“Yes.”
“Billy, it’s not a problem to be solved. You love him…romantically, or you don’t. You’re attracted to him or you’re not. You’re heterosexual or you’re scared. What do you need my help with? I’m not a gay compass.”
Billy flushed. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t know who else…I’m sorry.”
Ian sighed. “Don’t walk away. I’m sorry. You were right to come to me. But I don’t have all the answers.”
Ian walked to sit on bench in the shade of some trees and Billy sat beside him.
“I still shouldn’t have assumed…”
“We’re friends, and friends come to friends with the problems of their hearts. It was heartless of me to assume otherwise but I wonder if you would come to me with women troubles?”
“No,” Billy said truthfully. “Probably not. I make a terrible muddle of things.”
“Forgiven!” Ian announced. “What do you want to know?”
Billy paused. “I don’t actually know.”
“Well, you love him. I don’t have to tell you that. And I don’t have to tell you that there are different kinds of love. What I can tell you is that you must be true to yourself. If you don’t want hurt him, or you, you must not lie to yourself. It is no black mark against you, Billy, if you can not return his desire, and you mustn’t force it on yourself. What you must ask yourself is not if you love him, but if you desire him.”
Billy breathed rapidly. “But what if I do? Desire him? I mean…what if I do and it burns itself out in desire? What if…?”
“You’re asking me the same questions you would ask if you fell in love with a girl who was your best friend. What you’re asking is, is it worth the risk? Only you can decide that. Would you risk it? If he were female? If it all went wrong could you salvage the friendship?”
Billy stood. “I hear what you’re saying, but it’s different with a man. You know it is.”
Ian sighed. “It’s only different because you put so much pressure on it. Let all that baggage go. Then decide.”
Billy nodded. He thanked Ian and walked back to his trailer. It was cool and dark inside. He pulled down his trousers and forbid himself to think. He forbade it and forbade it, but he thought about Dom.
~*~
When they next met they were both as fragile as crystal.
“I don’t know how to be, or how to stand, or where to put my arms.”
Dom sighed with relief.
“I don’t either, but I want to touch you.”
Billy felt as if he would shatter.
“I wish I were braver.”
“Can’t we just kiss? I…”
Billy was in Dom’s lap in a moment. They kissed feverishly.
Billy stood up. “I don’t know what it means. Forgive me. I want to do it again. I have to leave though. I have to. Have to, sort of, be alone with it. Will you see me tomorrow?” He wouldn’t let go of Dom’s hand.
Dom laughed. “At work you mean?”
“No! After. Come with me to the beach. We’ll lie in the sand and talk. I’ll kiss you again. I love you. I can’t help it.”
~*~
They had their golden evening on the sand. They wrapped their limbs around each other in cool water. They kissed salty kisses in the waves. They nestled among the sea grass and pretended the rest of the world had fallen away.
“I love you.”
“Dom, I’m so happy.”
They kissed again. They were sleepy from the sun.
“The crime of the Greeks.”
Billy squinted at the sun, tried to imagine himself into a time where all this didn’t matter.
“You know in Sparta they never penetrated. It was considered demeaning. They just…between the thighs. Neither of us would be hurt. Abe Lincoln did it…”
“Stop! I don’t want you mixed up in my thoughts with tall Americans and top hats.”
Dom ran his fingers up one of Billy’s thighs. “If you do it for me, I’ll suck you.”
Billy shivered. “It’s not a barter system, Dom. But if that’s what you want…”
“It’s what I want.”
~*~
Billy had pneumonia. He had it for a while but didn’t see the doctor. He came down with a fever and wheezed on long walks. It was just a cold he thought, everyone thought. He was so tired. He didn’t know how other people did things.
He went to Dom’s for Christmas dinner. He slept all the afternoon beforehand, clinging to the excuse that air travel wore him out. Dom’s parents knew something. Billy was sure of it. He was going to say something witty over dessert, dispel their worries. He had noble intentions regarding their son etc. The turkey was warm and lovely. Dom said something. Billy didn’t know what. All the voices were slowed down, as if there were mud in Billy’s ears.
“I’m sorry. I think I’m going to faint.”
Billy did. He went down at the dinner table like a sack of bricks.
Dom leapt from his chair and knelt beside him, cradling Billy’s head in his lap.
“Billy! Wake up! Mum! Help me.”
His mother sent his father to phone for an ambulance. Dom was trying hard not to sob. His hands shook as he loosened Billy’s collar. Billy’s lip was bleeding. He must have bitten it when he fell.
“How long has he been sick?”
“I don’t know! He won’t complain. A few weeks maybe.” Dom began to rock Billy back and forth, his breathing panicked.
“Dominic, calm down.” His mother slapped him gently on the cheek. “He’s going to be okay. Look.”
Dom got his breathing under control and saw that Billy was stirring already. Indeed, by the time the ambulance arrived Billy was fully conscious and mortified at having interrupted Christmas dinner.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Dom and his mother said at the same time.
The doctor prescribed a heavy dose of antibiotics and lots of rest.
“You won’t feel completely well for another six weeks or so.”
Dom insisted on helping Billy into bed that night. He lined up anything Billy could possibly need on the night table, including a little bell that he wanted Billy to ring if he needed help.
“Or, you know, I could just call for you.”
“What if you were coughing and couldn’t get breath to?”
“Alright, alright, thank you. You’re very sweet.”
Dom kissed Billy’s forehead shyly and left him to his rest. His mother was in the kitchen.
“Do you want a sandwich, Dom? You didn’t get to finish dinner.”
Dom realized he was starving. He sat in a chair at the counter and ate. His mother looked at him with a strange expression on her face and Dom knew what was coming. He was almost grateful for it. He wasn’t able to live half-truths and lies.
“Are you gay, Dom?”
Dom shook his head. “No, no, I just love Billy, Mum. I just love him.”
Dom wasn’t sure what he expected his mother to say to that but he didn’t think she’d giggle like a school-girl.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing. He’s rather adorable isn’t he?”
The sandwich fell from Dom’s hands. “You fancy him! You fancy my…my…” Dom couldn’t bring himself to say “boyfriend.”
“Don’t be silly,” his mother said, but she blushed a little and smiled again. She came around the counter and kissed him goodnight. “I’ll wait until you’ve left to tell your father?”
“Whatever you think is best. I’ll leave it in your good hands, Mumsie, darling of a mum.” He felt as if he were blushing down to his toes.
Dom slept in an armchair by Billy’s bed that night. When the birds woke them at dawn Billy held up the blankets and Dom crawled beneath them, holding Billy gently and feeling more loved than he ever had before.
~*~
It took ages for Billy to feel like his old self. He had two more fainting spells. The first one was in his own kitchen. Thankfully, Dom had been with him and had prevented any serious injury. The second time they’d been queuing for groceries. Orlando was with them. Billy went white down to his lips.
“Bill!” Dom caught him before he hit the floor. “Help me, Orli. Get his feet.” They revived him in the back seat of Dom’s car. “You’re scaring me.”
Billy had a dead sort of look in his eyes. He didn’t faint again, but Dom never quite lost his habit of checking on Billy frequently, noting the pallor of his skin, hovering like a nursemaid.
~*~
By March Billy was strong again and a restlessness settled on him. He kept noticing girls. He kept noticing the way girls’ legs looked in skirts. It seemed a sort of forbidden pleasure. The truth was he felt rather bored in the bedroom. His convalescence had made strenuous activity impossible. Dom held him as if he were made of glass. But now that he was feeling better, Billy was desperately horny.
Dom was preoccupied with the Greeks. Or he’d talk about Oscar Wilde, or Auden, like he was trying to prove to himself that he was normal, like he was trying to convince Billy that it was okay to love him.
“I don’t give a fuck about the Greeks,” Billy said. Billy was already convinced.
Dom never showed any desire to expand their sexual horizons. In fact, Billy felt they were very tame, nearly chaste. Dom would rub himself between Billy’s thighs. They would give each other sleepy hand jobs in the middle of the night. Even blow jobs were a rare occurrence. There was a furtiveness to their caresses. At first it had seemed sweet, the shyness of new love, but as time passed it began to seem like fear. It began to feel like they were holding back, leaving themselves a way out, pretending. As long is it was done in secret, in the dark, they might pretend it wasn’t real. They might awake one day and decide it was all a dream.
Billy didn’t want it to be a dream. If this was to be his life he didn’t want to be afraid of it. As the summer wore on Billy found himself fixated on the thought of penetrating Dom.
~*~
Dom found Billy in bed one afternoon with a stack of pornography beside him. Billy smoothed out his favorite picture and showed it to Dom.
“You’d look lovely like that.”
Dom blushed hotly. Billy put his hand on the seat of Dom’s jeans.
“I want to do it so badly, Dom. I need a bit of a thrill. I need to be a bit bad. I’m tired of making love to you under the covers. I want to keep you naked all day. I want to stare at you, do things to you that will make you blush.”
Dom buried his face in Billy’s arm. “I don’t know, Bill. There’s just something about it. I don’t know.”
“Dom! I wouldn’t have thought you’d be so shy.” Billy laughed and rolled Dom over on the bed so he could look him in the eye. “Promise me you’ll think about it?”
“I promise. Oh, I’m sure I’ll do it, Billy. I’d do anything for you.”
“Don’t do it all for me. Do it because you want to. Don’t you want me to see you like that?”
Dom felt heat stir in his belly. His breath hitched and he nodded. Billy kissed his nose.
“Come over on Sunday then. I’ll make love to you all day.”
~*~
It rained on Sunday but Dom walked to Billy’s house anyway. He felt too distracted to drive. His cheeks were flushed cold when he arrived. Billy had the light on in the bedroom. He undressed Dom slowly, pausing to kiss each of Dom’s ankles as he untangled them from their trousers. When Dom was bare Billy sat back and admired him. He spread Dom’s legs wide and watched him flush and squirm. It seemed a long time to Dom before Billy finally leaned over and rested his head on Dom’s belly. He sighed happily.
“Are you nervous?”
“Yes.”
Billy kissed him. “It will be lovely. You’ll see.”
Billy was firm with him. He wouldn’t allow Dom to look away when he wanted to.
“Keep your eyes open. Look at me. Feel it.”
Dom blushed and shivered and arched his back.
“That’s it. I don’t want it to be something we play at, Dom. I don’t want some schoolboy infatuation. I don’t want to play at being ancient Greeks. I don’t want to swoon like a god-damned consumptive anymore. I don’t want a nursemaid. I don’t want you to be afraid of me. I want to be dirty and messy and real with you.”
Dom barked Billy’s name and clawed at the bed sheets. Billy gritted his teeth and held him down.
“Fuck, Dom, you’re so tight. I don’t care what the Greeks did. I don’t need an historical precedent in order to bugger you senseless.” Billy looked down, licking his lips as he watched himself moving in and out of Dom’s body.
Billy was rough with Dom. His hands were hard on Dom’s skin. He was relentless; making Dom show him everything, give him everything. After awhile Dom stopped trying to resist. He wanted to give up all his secrets and insecurities. He wanted to give them to Billy, who would banish them, and leave Dom comfortable in his own skin.
At dusk a flock of swallows darted and twittered about the rooftops. Dom sat with a cup of tea on the veranda feeling battered and strangely clean. He heard Billy’s step behind him and turned to see him standing just inside the door, looking out at the night. He was shirtless and his hair was a mess. The sight of him left Dom breathless. It was as if some deep well of arousal in Dom had been opened.
He walked to the door and stood staring through the screen for a moment. Billy looked back steadily. The door creaked as he opened it and Dom fell to his knees, pressing his face against Billy’s thighs. He inhaled the heat and smell of him. Billy leaned against the door jamb for support as Dom opened his trousers. The swallows twittered and dove. Moths threw themselves with ecstasy at the screen door, trying to get in to the light.
d/b
R
Disclaimer: It’s not true. I made it up.
Billy was sweating. Dom could feel the warmth of him and the dampness of his skin. The day had been hot and the setting of the sun had offered little in the way of relief. It occurred to Dom that he might be cooler if he wasn’t sitting so close to his friend and wondered why, exactly, he was sitting so close.
This thought sent something like a shock through him. Why the hell had it never occurred to him before? Did he always sit this close to Billy? He thought quickly back over the months. His face warmed as he thought of the countless occasions in those months that had found him nestled against Billy’s side, much as he was now. In fact, he realized, he always sat next to Billy. He always touched him in some fashion or other. Always.
Dom’s heart began to hammer and he looked around at the other people in the room in alarm. Had anyone else noticed? They must have done. They probably remarked on it to each other. Perhaps they pitied Billy. Perhaps Billy was shamed by it. The thought was unbearable.
“Dom? You okay?”
“I’m…” Dom was not okay but there was no reason he could think of to claim for his sudden malaise. “I’m warm. I think I need to lie down.”
He staggered to his feet and stumbled out of the living room. His bedroom was, in fact, cooler and he flung himself on the bed and buried his burning face in the cool pillows.
There was a knock at the door.
“Dom?”
“I’m alright. Go back to the others, Bill.”
Billy didn’t. He came and sat on the edge of the bed and laid a hand on Dom’s forehead.
“Don’t fuss.”
“I’m not. I’ll get you water.” Billy left then and Dom writhed in misery for a moment. He was acutely embarrassed. It didn’t help that he wanted desperately for Billy to come back with water and a cool cloth and words of comfort. He felt he ought not to want these things and felt himself an imposition.
Billy did come back with the promised water and a cool flannel and another fan. Dom wanted to protest that he was fine really, but he didn’t. He let Billy coddle him, and felt like a cheat and a liar for doing so. When Billy settled down beside him on the bed and put a comforting hand on Dom’s knee, Dom felt like a lecher, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull away.
~*~
Dom forced himself to stop. He banished any amorous thoughts of Billy from his mind. He thought this would make him feel better, but, if anything, he felt more false. He tried not to be alone, to not sit still, to not think. If he didn’t think, he needn’t lie to himself. He drank more and talked enthusiastically to girls at the pub. He even succeeded in bringing two of them home with him. Both of these encounters were spectacular disasters. The first girl was tiny and fair, and after Dom had undressed her he realized with a sort of horror why he had chosen her. She reminded him of someone. Dom had come far too quickly and though she was kind about it, Dom was too embarrassed to ever ring her again.
The second girl he brought home was deliberately the opposite of Billy in every way. She was tall, and dark and sullen. Dom wasn’t even able to get it up and had sent her away rather crossly. After she left Dom felt ashamed for treating her so poorly, but more than that, he felt terribly alone and afraid. He was mortification made flesh. He was certain he’d never feel comfortable with himself again. Love was a horror to him.
~*~
Billy didn’t notice that Dom always sat on top of him until he no longer did it. The evening was much like any other that passed since he had arrived in New Zealand. There had been a barbeque and then everyone had sat around Viggo’s living room and talked and joked for hours. Billy was smoking more than he normally did. He needed something to do with his hands and wondered vaguely what usually kept them occupied. He felt unsettled for a reason he could not identify.
He realized with a jolt that he hadn’t talked to Dom all evening. In fact, Dom had been unusually silent and subdued. Billy missed him. His hands missed him. He was use to having his hands tangled in Dom’s hair, or playing with the rings on Dom’s fingers, or fiddling with his ears. Dom, or rather, Dom’s absence, was the reason for Billy’s unsettled feeling. He felt unaccountably irritated, and without thinking he looked crossly at Dom sitting morosely across the room.
“Why are you way over there?” he demanded.
The conversation ceased for a moment and Billy realized he had just interrupted a joke Ian was telling. Dom’s face turned red and Billy thought he might be angry but Dom just shrugged.
“Come here. I miss you.”
Dom looked for a moment like he might comply. When he stood, he wobbled slightly. He frowned at his legs and then turned and strode from the room. Billy ignored the uncomfortable silence from the others and went after him.
~*~
The night was cool and breezy and Dom was trying unsuccessfully to light a cigarette in the darkness. He slumped against the wall as Billy approached.
“Go back, Bill.”
“I won’t. You’ll tell me what I’ve done first.”
Dom looked at him in surprise. “You haven’t done anything, Bill.”
“I have. You haven’t even looked at me properly in…” Billy paused to think. “It’s been weeks, Dom.”
Dom hung his head. “Has it? I didn’t think you’d noticed.”
Billy sighed. “I didn’t. Just tonight I realized…What is it, Dom?”
Dom shook his head. “It’s nothing. It’s just…I loathe myself right now. I’m not…fit to be around…you.”
“That’s absurd, Dom. Of course you’re fit to be around me.”
“I’m not.”
“Why? What did you do that was so horrible?”
“Nothing.”
“So…?”
“I think things. I have thoughts I ought not to have.”
“Thoughts?” Billy paused. An understanding was dawning on him, but he wasn’t certain, and to be wrong might be…embarrassing. “You…thoughts about me?”
Dom just looked miserable and Billy’s heart ached for him.
“You don’t have to tell me,” Billy said quickly, but he thought that might sound like he didn’t want to be told. “I mean, you can. You can talk to me, Dom, but if you’d rather, I can get someone else.” It hurt Billy to say that, to admit that he might not be the one Dom needed. “Elijah maybe?”
Dom laughed without mirth. “No.”
“Ian?”
This odd choice of confidant for him made it clear to Dom that Billy understood.
“No!” It was a forceful cry, a denial, and Dom pulled at his own hair in punishment for the lie.
“Stop!” Billy cried, reaching out to grab at Dom’s hands, but Dom turned away from him fiercely and slapped the wall with the palm of his hand.
“Get away from me, Bill. I’m no good.”
“Don’t say that!” Billy knew he was yelling but he wasn’t angry. He was frightened. Dom’s misery scared Billy. He had never seen this side of him. He had always seen Dom as a sunny sort of fellow, didn’t realize how easily his friend could sink into despair. Billy was upset with himself for not having noticed the change in Dom sooner. He made himself take a deep breath.
“Dom? Dom, look at me.” Dom didn’t and Billy didn’t force him. “Dom, you can’t hate yourself for this. I’m not sure what it is but you can’t. How can you hate yourself when so many people love you?”
“You know what it is,” Dom said quietly. He still wouldn’t look at Billy. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, Bill. I didn’t look for it. It just…snuck up on me. In a moment. There it was.”
“Dommie, stop. Stop all this. I don’t…I don’t know what to say right now and you’re in no condition to…You’re worn out with hating yourself. I wish you wouldn’t. I love you. Can’t you just trust that for now? I know you’re not horrible and you don’t deserve the misery you’ve put yourself through.”
Dom looked at him then and there was a bit of hope in his eyes.
“You don’t think I’m disgusting?”
“No, I don’t, and you’ll have to trust my judgment because you’re not fit to judge yourself right now.”
Tears sprang to Dom’s eyes and he looked away again. Billy let him. He reached out and squeezed Dom’s shoulder.
“Look. I’ve touched you and I’ve not turned to dust.”
Dom laughed, a little shakily, but Billy took it as a good sign.
“Come back inside. Come sit by me like you use to. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed my friend.”
Dom shook his head. He waved his hand in the direction of the house.
“They’ll all…”
“They’ll what? Stone you? Led by Sir Ian? They won’t even know. They’re drunk.”
Dom wiped his face with the back of his hands. “Give me a minute?”
“You promise? You won’t bugger off?”
“I promise.”
Billy reentered the house and sat in his chair. Orlando opened his mouth to inquire after Dom but Viggo, seeing the closed look on Billy’s face, kicked him softly in the ribs and everyone ignored his entry as if he hadn’t left.
Dom came in shortly and Ian started up a long tale rather loudly. Everyone gave him their undivided attention. Dom wasn’t fooled by this show but he was grateful. He knew his face was still red and blotchy. He slunk over and sat on the floor between Billy’s knees. Billy wove his fingers into Dom’s hair and smiled down at him. Dom didn’t look up but he felt the smile like the warmth of sunlight on his head. He hitched a deep breath and curled one arm around Billy’s calf and leaned his head against Billy’s knee.
Ian’s monologue paused for the briefest of moments as he took in this scene. A smile flickered on his face, followed by a frown. He spoke on and Dom listened. None of Ian’s words made sense to him but the cadence comforted him. He was worn threadbare. He fell asleep clutching Billy’s knee.
~*~
Billy had his own moment of self-loathing. He didn’t know what to do. The next day Dom was so fragile, but also, in his relief, somewhat like his old self. Billy didn’t want to broach the subject, to destroy Dom’s fragile hold on happiness. So he didn’t. He left Dom on tenterhooks and hated himself for it.
In the end he turned to the only person he could think of.
“He’d hate me if he knew I confided in you,” he said without preamble.
Ian stopped walking. “So why are you?”
Billy shrugged. “I’m lost.”
“And I’m your map?”
“No. I need…time. I…it’s new and I…”
“So ask him for time.”
“It would hurt him.”
“You’re considering it.”
“Yes.”
“Billy, it’s not a problem to be solved. You love him…romantically, or you don’t. You’re attracted to him or you’re not. You’re heterosexual or you’re scared. What do you need my help with? I’m not a gay compass.”
Billy flushed. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t know who else…I’m sorry.”
Ian sighed. “Don’t walk away. I’m sorry. You were right to come to me. But I don’t have all the answers.”
Ian walked to sit on bench in the shade of some trees and Billy sat beside him.
“I still shouldn’t have assumed…”
“We’re friends, and friends come to friends with the problems of their hearts. It was heartless of me to assume otherwise but I wonder if you would come to me with women troubles?”
“No,” Billy said truthfully. “Probably not. I make a terrible muddle of things.”
“Forgiven!” Ian announced. “What do you want to know?”
Billy paused. “I don’t actually know.”
“Well, you love him. I don’t have to tell you that. And I don’t have to tell you that there are different kinds of love. What I can tell you is that you must be true to yourself. If you don’t want hurt him, or you, you must not lie to yourself. It is no black mark against you, Billy, if you can not return his desire, and you mustn’t force it on yourself. What you must ask yourself is not if you love him, but if you desire him.”
Billy breathed rapidly. “But what if I do? Desire him? I mean…what if I do and it burns itself out in desire? What if…?”
“You’re asking me the same questions you would ask if you fell in love with a girl who was your best friend. What you’re asking is, is it worth the risk? Only you can decide that. Would you risk it? If he were female? If it all went wrong could you salvage the friendship?”
Billy stood. “I hear what you’re saying, but it’s different with a man. You know it is.”
Ian sighed. “It’s only different because you put so much pressure on it. Let all that baggage go. Then decide.”
Billy nodded. He thanked Ian and walked back to his trailer. It was cool and dark inside. He pulled down his trousers and forbid himself to think. He forbade it and forbade it, but he thought about Dom.
~*~
When they next met they were both as fragile as crystal.
“I don’t know how to be, or how to stand, or where to put my arms.”
Dom sighed with relief.
“I don’t either, but I want to touch you.”
Billy felt as if he would shatter.
“I wish I were braver.”
“Can’t we just kiss? I…”
Billy was in Dom’s lap in a moment. They kissed feverishly.
Billy stood up. “I don’t know what it means. Forgive me. I want to do it again. I have to leave though. I have to. Have to, sort of, be alone with it. Will you see me tomorrow?” He wouldn’t let go of Dom’s hand.
Dom laughed. “At work you mean?”
“No! After. Come with me to the beach. We’ll lie in the sand and talk. I’ll kiss you again. I love you. I can’t help it.”
~*~
They had their golden evening on the sand. They wrapped their limbs around each other in cool water. They kissed salty kisses in the waves. They nestled among the sea grass and pretended the rest of the world had fallen away.
“I love you.”
“Dom, I’m so happy.”
They kissed again. They were sleepy from the sun.
“The crime of the Greeks.”
Billy squinted at the sun, tried to imagine himself into a time where all this didn’t matter.
“You know in Sparta they never penetrated. It was considered demeaning. They just…between the thighs. Neither of us would be hurt. Abe Lincoln did it…”
“Stop! I don’t want you mixed up in my thoughts with tall Americans and top hats.”
Dom ran his fingers up one of Billy’s thighs. “If you do it for me, I’ll suck you.”
Billy shivered. “It’s not a barter system, Dom. But if that’s what you want…”
“It’s what I want.”
~*~
Billy had pneumonia. He had it for a while but didn’t see the doctor. He came down with a fever and wheezed on long walks. It was just a cold he thought, everyone thought. He was so tired. He didn’t know how other people did things.
He went to Dom’s for Christmas dinner. He slept all the afternoon beforehand, clinging to the excuse that air travel wore him out. Dom’s parents knew something. Billy was sure of it. He was going to say something witty over dessert, dispel their worries. He had noble intentions regarding their son etc. The turkey was warm and lovely. Dom said something. Billy didn’t know what. All the voices were slowed down, as if there were mud in Billy’s ears.
“I’m sorry. I think I’m going to faint.”
Billy did. He went down at the dinner table like a sack of bricks.
Dom leapt from his chair and knelt beside him, cradling Billy’s head in his lap.
“Billy! Wake up! Mum! Help me.”
His mother sent his father to phone for an ambulance. Dom was trying hard not to sob. His hands shook as he loosened Billy’s collar. Billy’s lip was bleeding. He must have bitten it when he fell.
“How long has he been sick?”
“I don’t know! He won’t complain. A few weeks maybe.” Dom began to rock Billy back and forth, his breathing panicked.
“Dominic, calm down.” His mother slapped him gently on the cheek. “He’s going to be okay. Look.”
Dom got his breathing under control and saw that Billy was stirring already. Indeed, by the time the ambulance arrived Billy was fully conscious and mortified at having interrupted Christmas dinner.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Dom and his mother said at the same time.
The doctor prescribed a heavy dose of antibiotics and lots of rest.
“You won’t feel completely well for another six weeks or so.”
Dom insisted on helping Billy into bed that night. He lined up anything Billy could possibly need on the night table, including a little bell that he wanted Billy to ring if he needed help.
“Or, you know, I could just call for you.”
“What if you were coughing and couldn’t get breath to?”
“Alright, alright, thank you. You’re very sweet.”
Dom kissed Billy’s forehead shyly and left him to his rest. His mother was in the kitchen.
“Do you want a sandwich, Dom? You didn’t get to finish dinner.”
Dom realized he was starving. He sat in a chair at the counter and ate. His mother looked at him with a strange expression on her face and Dom knew what was coming. He was almost grateful for it. He wasn’t able to live half-truths and lies.
“Are you gay, Dom?”
Dom shook his head. “No, no, I just love Billy, Mum. I just love him.”
Dom wasn’t sure what he expected his mother to say to that but he didn’t think she’d giggle like a school-girl.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing. He’s rather adorable isn’t he?”
The sandwich fell from Dom’s hands. “You fancy him! You fancy my…my…” Dom couldn’t bring himself to say “boyfriend.”
“Don’t be silly,” his mother said, but she blushed a little and smiled again. She came around the counter and kissed him goodnight. “I’ll wait until you’ve left to tell your father?”
“Whatever you think is best. I’ll leave it in your good hands, Mumsie, darling of a mum.” He felt as if he were blushing down to his toes.
Dom slept in an armchair by Billy’s bed that night. When the birds woke them at dawn Billy held up the blankets and Dom crawled beneath them, holding Billy gently and feeling more loved than he ever had before.
~*~
It took ages for Billy to feel like his old self. He had two more fainting spells. The first one was in his own kitchen. Thankfully, Dom had been with him and had prevented any serious injury. The second time they’d been queuing for groceries. Orlando was with them. Billy went white down to his lips.
“Bill!” Dom caught him before he hit the floor. “Help me, Orli. Get his feet.” They revived him in the back seat of Dom’s car. “You’re scaring me.”
Billy had a dead sort of look in his eyes. He didn’t faint again, but Dom never quite lost his habit of checking on Billy frequently, noting the pallor of his skin, hovering like a nursemaid.
~*~
By March Billy was strong again and a restlessness settled on him. He kept noticing girls. He kept noticing the way girls’ legs looked in skirts. It seemed a sort of forbidden pleasure. The truth was he felt rather bored in the bedroom. His convalescence had made strenuous activity impossible. Dom held him as if he were made of glass. But now that he was feeling better, Billy was desperately horny.
Dom was preoccupied with the Greeks. Or he’d talk about Oscar Wilde, or Auden, like he was trying to prove to himself that he was normal, like he was trying to convince Billy that it was okay to love him.
“I don’t give a fuck about the Greeks,” Billy said. Billy was already convinced.
Dom never showed any desire to expand their sexual horizons. In fact, Billy felt they were very tame, nearly chaste. Dom would rub himself between Billy’s thighs. They would give each other sleepy hand jobs in the middle of the night. Even blow jobs were a rare occurrence. There was a furtiveness to their caresses. At first it had seemed sweet, the shyness of new love, but as time passed it began to seem like fear. It began to feel like they were holding back, leaving themselves a way out, pretending. As long is it was done in secret, in the dark, they might pretend it wasn’t real. They might awake one day and decide it was all a dream.
Billy didn’t want it to be a dream. If this was to be his life he didn’t want to be afraid of it. As the summer wore on Billy found himself fixated on the thought of penetrating Dom.
~*~
Dom found Billy in bed one afternoon with a stack of pornography beside him. Billy smoothed out his favorite picture and showed it to Dom.
“You’d look lovely like that.”
Dom blushed hotly. Billy put his hand on the seat of Dom’s jeans.
“I want to do it so badly, Dom. I need a bit of a thrill. I need to be a bit bad. I’m tired of making love to you under the covers. I want to keep you naked all day. I want to stare at you, do things to you that will make you blush.”
Dom buried his face in Billy’s arm. “I don’t know, Bill. There’s just something about it. I don’t know.”
“Dom! I wouldn’t have thought you’d be so shy.” Billy laughed and rolled Dom over on the bed so he could look him in the eye. “Promise me you’ll think about it?”
“I promise. Oh, I’m sure I’ll do it, Billy. I’d do anything for you.”
“Don’t do it all for me. Do it because you want to. Don’t you want me to see you like that?”
Dom felt heat stir in his belly. His breath hitched and he nodded. Billy kissed his nose.
“Come over on Sunday then. I’ll make love to you all day.”
~*~
It rained on Sunday but Dom walked to Billy’s house anyway. He felt too distracted to drive. His cheeks were flushed cold when he arrived. Billy had the light on in the bedroom. He undressed Dom slowly, pausing to kiss each of Dom’s ankles as he untangled them from their trousers. When Dom was bare Billy sat back and admired him. He spread Dom’s legs wide and watched him flush and squirm. It seemed a long time to Dom before Billy finally leaned over and rested his head on Dom’s belly. He sighed happily.
“Are you nervous?”
“Yes.”
Billy kissed him. “It will be lovely. You’ll see.”
Billy was firm with him. He wouldn’t allow Dom to look away when he wanted to.
“Keep your eyes open. Look at me. Feel it.”
Dom blushed and shivered and arched his back.
“That’s it. I don’t want it to be something we play at, Dom. I don’t want some schoolboy infatuation. I don’t want to play at being ancient Greeks. I don’t want to swoon like a god-damned consumptive anymore. I don’t want a nursemaid. I don’t want you to be afraid of me. I want to be dirty and messy and real with you.”
Dom barked Billy’s name and clawed at the bed sheets. Billy gritted his teeth and held him down.
“Fuck, Dom, you’re so tight. I don’t care what the Greeks did. I don’t need an historical precedent in order to bugger you senseless.” Billy looked down, licking his lips as he watched himself moving in and out of Dom’s body.
Billy was rough with Dom. His hands were hard on Dom’s skin. He was relentless; making Dom show him everything, give him everything. After awhile Dom stopped trying to resist. He wanted to give up all his secrets and insecurities. He wanted to give them to Billy, who would banish them, and leave Dom comfortable in his own skin.
At dusk a flock of swallows darted and twittered about the rooftops. Dom sat with a cup of tea on the veranda feeling battered and strangely clean. He heard Billy’s step behind him and turned to see him standing just inside the door, looking out at the night. He was shirtless and his hair was a mess. The sight of him left Dom breathless. It was as if some deep well of arousal in Dom had been opened.
He walked to the door and stood staring through the screen for a moment. Billy looked back steadily. The door creaked as he opened it and Dom fell to his knees, pressing his face against Billy’s thighs. He inhaled the heat and smell of him. Billy leaned against the door jamb for support as Dom opened his trousers. The swallows twittered and dove. Moths threw themselves with ecstasy at the screen door, trying to get in to the light.
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So sweet. You had some really lovely visuals in here, like this:
Billy wove his fingers into Dom’s hair and smiled down at him. Dom didn’t look up but he felt the smile like the warmth of sunlight on his head. He hitched a deep breath and curled one arm around Billy’s calf and leaned his head against Billy’s knee.
Also, I loved how serene the ending was.
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Thanks, that was the image that I wrote the whole story around. It just made me feel comforted.
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I loved how you started the fic - you pictured them sooo well...
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The swallows twittered and dove. Moths threw themselves with ecstasy at the screen door, trying to get in to the light.
This was just great. A refreshing twist, with Dom needing to be brought out into acceptance. I really liked this.
You have a terrific way with words.
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The last line is absolutely fantastic. It's such a clear, serene, but yet intense image to end on. Thanks for this. :)
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the ending left me happy and and smiling! great work!
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