(no subject)

[rebel-blue.livejournal.com]

Title: Train of Thought
Author: Me AKA rebel_blue
Pairing: Monaboyd, duuuuuuh [in Dom's POV]
Rating: PG-13 to R
Warnings: A bit suicidal, a bit angsty. All the good stuff.
Dedication: Dedicated to my friend, silentdescant, just because I said so. Love ya, babe XD

The night sky. Whether it's a dark blue, or a pitch black, I love it. It calms me in a way...makes me think. What do I think of? Well, that always changes. Sometimes I think about what I did today and reflect on that. Other times, I think about...well, I don't like to talk about that train of thought. It's too dark for me to speak of, yet here I am living it.

 

All right. You win. I think about all the people that have hurt me. All the people that have made my life hell. All the people who never believed in me. And you know what I do with those thoughts? I cut into 'em. Deep enough to bleed. Call me crazy, I know you want to. You'd do the same if you were me.

 

You chose to listen, so I'm going to go on. In between those reasons, I forgot one core thing in my line of thinking. The deepest and darkest of them all, ladies and gentlemen: Billy Boyd. Billy fucking Boyd. Shocker, eh? You wouldn't be surprised after walking a mile in my shoes.

 

He hurts me, you see. Every scar on my body and in my mind are reminders of how he did so. The stolen kisses in his trailer during lunch breaks, the occasional touches in the shadows of some club in Wellington...he always hurt me. And damnit, I let him. I, Dominic Monaghan, let the only man I ever loved hurt me. Why? Because I loved him...because I couldn't say no.

 

I tried to tell him to stop, but he was always the stronger one. You'd think I would be at first glance. I mean, Billy looks so sweet and so innocent, doesn't he? Well, I can tell you [if you haven't figured it out by now] that he's far from it. He's a rough bloke, that one. He'll take you in and never let you go unless you bleed for him, which I've done many times. Yet, I still haven't broken free.

 

I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry, but I can't. I can't block him out. I've tried, oh God how I've tried, but I can't. do. this. It has to end.

 

We've reached the climax of this story, folks... 

 

Should I do it? This time I might die, y'know. If I press the blade too deep into the vein or take too many pills in one sitting or even if I jump from a window that's too high, I might not be coming back. But, that's the greatest part. I. Might. Not. Come. Back. Which means [for those of you who are lacking in the logic department] that I won't have to deal with this pain, this heartbreak. I won't have it anymore and I can be happy for the first time in a while. Wouldn't that be something?

 

So, here is where I make my choice. The one choice that ends all things or keeps them moving in a linear fashion. Will I make the right decision or will I take everything he throws at me until he kills me himself? Time's ticking. So I better get on it, eh?

 

I keep my eyes focused on the man sleeping next to me and the way his eyelashes are like glitter in the moonlight. I love him and it kills me. It kills me because I'll never love him enough. I never have and never will.

I love you, Bills.

Comments

[silentdescant.livejournal.com]

guh!! You've killed me dead. This paragraph was my favorite part:

He hurts me, you see. Every scar on my body and in my mind are reminders of how he did so. The stolen kisses in his trailer during lunch breaks, the occasional touches in the shadows of some club in Wellington...he always hurt me. And damnit, I let him. I, Dominic Monaghan, let the only man I ever loved hurt me. Why? Because I loved him...because I couldn't say no.

Oh, so sad. I love it. Poor Dommie.

And I'm now positive you will like the farther-in-the-future chapters of Runaway. :)

[rebel-blue.livejournal.com]

Aww, thank you! *bows* See? I'm good at writing dark fics XD

[silentdescant.livejournal.com]

YES, YOU ARE! *applauds*

[rebel-blue.livejournal.com]

WHOO! And I'm glad I'm going to like the further farthest...*blinks* chapters of Runaway. Now I'm SUPER excited!!!!

[silentdescant.livejournal.com]

Poor Dom gets very angsty later on. :D

[rebel-blue.livejournal.com]

Ooh. That's how I love me some Dommeh!

[babydazzle.livejournal.com]

wow! I really like the way you wrote this. Very personal. I love how his voice is pained but at the same time, you get the sense of his low self-worth by his casual tone. Great job. So sad!! Poor wee Dommeh!

[rebel-blue.livejournal.com]

Aww, thank you! It means a lot =]