monaboyd | Forgive Me

Title: Forgive Me - Shame
Author:

dylan_dufresne
Pairing: BB/DM
Rating: R, to be safe.
Feedback: Would be greatly appreciated as it’s my drug of choice. Thanks to

frojane for the beta. *blows kisses*
Disclaimer: Not at all true in reality. This is my imagination at work.
Warning: ANGST in this part. I can tell you’re surprised. Really. Me? Write angst? Surely you jest. KLEENEX ALERT!
Previous Part: So, I got tired of the bunnies nibbling on my toes when I was trying to sleep, so here is a follow up to Deny.
A/N: This is #12 in this series of previously unrelated fics. If you want to read the others, they start here. Please remember to read the warnings at the top.

12 - Shame

The flight from Oahu to Los Angles is wracked with stomach-twisting, bone-jarring turbulence, and Billy is nothing short of miserable. During his nearly two hour layover at LAX, Billy spends the majority of his time in the loo, fighting the urge to throw up, and covering his mouth to muffle the sound when the ache in his chest becomes too much to bear in silence. Barely aware of his surroundings as he boards the plane that will take him to New York and then London, Billy finds his seat quickly and curls up in a tight ball against the tiny window, watching the rare, California rain fall in heavy sheets. It seems like the world is crying, and it matches Billy’s emotions as well as makes him wonder if Dom is crying, too.

How could Dom not be crying, Billy asks himself repeatedly, viciously kicking himself mentally. After an intense week of not holding back, indulging in every wanton, intimate desire together, Billy slipped away without even saying goodbye. Dom refused him nothing, and Billy repaid that generosity by sneaking out of Dom’s bed and leaving him to wake up alone. Guilt overwhelms Billy, knowing that he used his best mate, for sexual gratification, and the fact that he loves Dom does little to comfort him. It’s no secret how vulnerable Dom is, especially when it comes to those he loves, and Billy can’t help feeling that he’s taken advantage of that, exploited the only man he has ever loved.

By the time the plane lands in Glasgow, Billy is a wrung out, heartbroken mess, and he can’t even try to plaster on a smile for Ali when she meets him at the baggage carousel. It takes everything in Billy not to flinch when Ali kisses his cheek and tries to comfort him. Shame twists in his belly, stealing his breath, and Billy bites his tongue to keep from screaming out the truth, wanting to confess that he doesn’t deserve to be soothed. Not after what he’s done. There is no doubt in Billy’s mind that Dom is hurting now, because of his cowardly actions, and now Dom’s all alone, having to endure the end of their romantic relationship for a second time.

Although Billy feels guilty for lying to Ali, claiming to have picked up a flu bug in Hawaii, he can’t bring himself to take it back. There is immense relief when Ali drops Billy at home and opts to go back to her own flat rather than stay the night, as Billy clearly isn’t up for company, and Billy leaves his luggage in the foyer, too exhausted to deal with it. Leaving a trail of discarded clothing down the hall, Billy bypasses the loo, deciding that he’s too tired to shower tonight. Tomorrow will be soon enough for Billy to wash the lingering scent of Dom and their lovemaking off his skin. For one more night, Billy will hold onto Dom, even if it’s only in his mind.

The night hours pass slowly, Billy tossing and turning almost continually, plagued with disturbing dreams as Dom’s tearful face haunts him. Shortly after dawn, Billy gives up on sleep and decides that he has to start putting the whole week behind him, erase it from his memory. As much as he wishes things were different, Billy can’t rewind time and take it back, prevent the pain. All he can do is move forward, and that means letting go of Dom. Deciding that a shower is the place to start, Billy spends nearly twenty minutes under the hot spray, lathering and rinsing several times, ensuring that Dom’s scent will be gone, because that’s the only way Billy will be able to move forward.

Smoothing his damp hair back and wrapping a towel around his hips, Billy walks down the hall to the kitchen, wanting to plug in the electric kettle for a cup of tea, hoping that it will help soothe his aching stomach. Considering the shape he was in the previous night, Billy isn’t all that surprised to find Ali in his kitchen, having dropped by to check on him this morning. Billy is standing at the sink, filling the kettle with water, when Ali’s manicured fingernail makes contact with his bare back, and only then does Billy remember the sensation of Dom clutching at him as they made love, one last time. At the climax of the intimate act, Dom had marked Billy, and there is no question as to what the scratches are from. There’s no denying what happened in Hawaii.

Dropping the kettle in the sink with a crash and spinning around with wide eyes, Billy is stunned to discover that Ali is not angry or crying, but almost looks relieved, like she knew all along. Taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly, Ali walks over to the kitchen table, reaches into her purse and withdraws a ring of keys. While she tells Billy that she always suspected that there was more than friendship between him and Dom, Ali works at the metal clip, and then finally places the key to Billy’s house on the table. Looking at Billy for a long, quiet moment, Ali tries to smile, blinking back the tears in her eyes, and quietly says goodbye before turning and leaving the room. Too shocked to move or speak, Billy listens as the front door opens, and then closes with a quiet click.

Sagging weakly against the kitchen cabinets, Billy’s head spins as he struggles to absorb what has just happened. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Dom, even though that’s exactly what happened, and now he’s done the same to Ali. There’s no way he could’ve told Ali the truth, would’ve taken the secret to his grave, and now it seems that fate has taken care of it for him. He’s alone, and it’s his own fault. He’s hurt those closest to him, and now here he is, standing in his kitchen, wondering what to do.

Without even realizing that he’s crossed the room, Billy looks down to find himself with the cordless phone clutched in his hand, having dialed more than half of Dom’s mobile number. Sinking to the floor as he presses the receiver to his ear, Billy listens to the distant ringing, hoping and praying that Dom will answer. Unfortunately, the call flips over to voice mail and Billy is forced to leave a message, requesting that Dom call him, so they can talk.

By nightfall, Dom still hasn’t called back, so Billy dials again and leaves yet another message, but that one, and the dozen that follow, go unanswered.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Kicking off his shoes as the front door closes behind him, Dom trudges down the dimly lit hall, making a detour into the kitchen. Opening the fridge and wrinkling his nose at the takeaway that’s no longer edible, Dom tosses it in the rubbish bin before walking over to the answering machine. When Billy’s thick accent fills the quiet, Dom flinches violently and quickly presses the delete button, and again for the next three message from the Scotsman, not wanting to listen to Billy’s excuses.

For the first couple of days after Billy left, Dom was distraught, and it took everything in him just to get through the next five minutes, but when Billy started calling, Dom got angry. Very angry. A rage that he’d never felt before nearly consumed him, and Dom’s mobile bore the brunt of that rage when he’d savagely thrown it at the nearest wall after the tenth message from Billy. How could Dom allow himself to be used this way? Billy wasn’t in Hawaii twelve hours before their first time in more than two years. What bothers Dom the most is that he didn’t even try to resist when Billy reached for him in his sleep, but instead encouraged him, with no thought to the consequences until he awoke the next morning, their naked bodies entwined. While sweeping up the shattered chunks of plastic and tiny electronic parts, Dom’s anger began to lessen, leaving a hollow ache in his chest.

If he’s too be honest with himself, Dom knew from that first night that it couldn’t last, because of Billy’s relationship with Ali. With every passing hour, and every time their bodies came together, Dom knew they were closer to the moment where he would be left alone, although a part of Dom held out hope that Billy would stay. It fills Dom with shame that there is a part of him that wishes Billy would break up with Ali, because she really is very nice. There’s nothing wrong with her, other than the fact that she has the place in Billy’s life that Dom wishes was his. Billy’s lover and partner. The logical part of his brain that screamed at Dom, telling him that this would only end in heartache and pain did little to deter him. Who could resist the opportunity to be with Billy, even if it was just for a short while? A stranger, maybe, but for someone who is already in love with Billy? Impossible.

Unable to stay in his beloved beach house, the memories of Billy overwhelming him, Dom walks out onto the lanai and then down the steps to the sand. Wandering down to the shore barefoot, Dom watches the tide for a few minutes, mesmerized by the timeless ocean, aching for the peacefulness to wash over him. Staring at the hypnotic sea, Dom moves up the beach and then sits cross-legged in the sand, eventually laying down, head pillowed on one hand to watch the sunset. Letting the rhythm of the waves soothe him, ease the painful ache in his chest, Dom’s eyelids grow heavy, and not long after, he’s fast asleep.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Fat rain drops dampening his t-shirt and blue jeans is what finally awakens Dom, a storm having rolled in while he was sleeping. Pushing his damp blonde hair out of his eyes, Dom rises and quickly makes his way back to the house, looking around for his shoes, then realizing he left them inside. After closing the large glass door behind him, Dom turns to watch the storm, the wind tossing the palm fronds madly, and creating white caps on the waves.

Peeling off his t-shirt and wiping his face, Dom finally turns away from the beach and makes his way over to the couch, stretching out on the slightly lumpy surface. Since Billy left, Dom’s been unable to sleep in his bed, and on the rare occasion that Dom can manage to rest peacefully, it’s here on the couch. Curling up on his side, pulling a rumpled blanket over himself, Dom watches the rain fall in heavy sheets until he dozes off again, wondering if he’ll ever be able to sleep in his bed again. The place where Billy left him.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

The sound of insistent knocking rouses Dom from sleep amidst the heavy rain still pouring down outside, as evidenced by the water creating rivulets on the large windows overlooking the lanai. Rubbing at his eyes as he sits up, Dom shakes his head to clear it and then rises unsteadily to his feet. Looking around in confusion, Dom finally realizes that the knocking is coming from the front door. After a brief pause, the knocking resumes, harder now, almost pounding. Scratching absently at his scruffy cheek and yawning, Dom walks down the wide hall towards the sound, flipping on a light and wincing at the brightness before pulling open the door and peering out. Nothing could’ve surprised him more than the sight before him.

Ginger hair plastered to his head and clothes dripping wet, Billy drinks in the sight of a shirtless Dom and takes in his first, pain-free breath since he slipped out of Dom’s bed just over a week ago. Gazing intently at the younger man, Billy takes a moment, and then begins to speak. Surprised at the way his voice is trembling, Billy tells Dom what a mistake it was for him to leave, how he regretted it immediately, but to Billy’s surprise, Dom says nothing, and Billy seizes the opportunity to continue.

Gesturing at the group of suitcases at his feet, Billy explains that he wants to stay in Hawaii for a while, try to make it up to Dom. The best he can do is a month, and then he has to be in Glasgow for a play, but Billy promises that he’ll come back as soon as he can, or maybe Dom can fly to Scotland once LOST is on summer hiatus and stay for a bit. Worried because Dom isn’t saying anything or doing anything, desperation overwhelms Billy, and he starts rambling.

Standing motionless in the doorway, Dom doesn’t move or speak, just watches Billy with oddly expressionless eyes as the rain soaks the older man to the bone. Billy’s hope is fading, and then Dom steps out into the rain, cupping Billy’s wet face in his hands before bringing their lips together. The kiss is soft and chaste, only adding to Billy’s fear, and wrapping his arms around Dom’s bare waist, Billy tries to deepen the kiss, only to have Dom pull away.

“Forgive me,” Billy begs shamelessly, eyes filling with hot, salty tears as his heart begins to shatter.

Slowly threading his long, elegant fingers through Billy’s wet hair, Dom suddenly yanks the Scotsman forward, slamming their bodies together as his lips cover Billy’s. Swallowing the sob of relief bubbling up in his throat, Billy clings to Dom’s bare back as their lips meet and part in hungry, wet kisses. Tipping his head to one side for better access to Dom’s lush mouth, Billy slides his pointy tongue into the honeyed sweetness, feasting on the heat and softness that he has missed every single day since he ended their romantic relationship after Rings was completed.

That was when things went wrong, and finally, they’re back on track. This is where Billy needs to be, where he wants to be. Drawing Dom’s pouty lower lip into his mouth and sucking ravenously, Billy forgets about the rain, the fading ache in his belly, and the fact that they’re standing on the front step, where anyone could see them. Frankly, Billy doesn’t care about anything except for the man in his arms, and the fact that he doesn’t ever want to stop kissing him.

Long arms wrapping around Billy’s shoulders to hold him close, Dom surrenders to Billy’s touch, caressing him, tasting him, bathing in the realization that they’re together again. Like they were in New Zealand. The feeling of Billy’s hands against his bare skin, now very wet from the rain is intoxicating, and causes Dom’s knees to buckle. Eyes flashing open in surprise, Dom smiles when his gaze locks with Billy’s, and ever so slowly, Dom cups Billy’s face once again, this time smoothing back his hair and wiping the droplets of rain from his cheeks. Suddenly realizing how wet they are getting, Dom reluctantly untangles himself from Billy’s arms and reaches down to grab two pieces of Billy’s luggage. They need to get inside, out of the weather, peel off their wet clothes. Get warm and dry. Together. Watching Billy sling his carry on over his shoulder and then pick up the last suitcase, Dom is immensely pleased that Billy keeps one hand on him at all times, refusing to let their bodies part entirely.

Nuzzling into Dom’s lithe body and pressing a feathery kiss to the side of his neck, Billy wraps his arms around the younger man, just enjoying the pleasure of holding him close. Dom hugs Billy tightly, understanding completely, and when their eyes meet, he smiles, and closes the door behind them.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Wrinkling his nose at the sunny brightness in the room as he awakens from his first good night’s sleep in over a week, a fond smile turns up the corners of Billy’s lips as his arm tightens around the naked man curled against him. Billy starts to move carefully, attempting to stretch without waking Dom, but he stops quickly when he discovers that the arm not wrapped around Dom won’t move. Looking up at the headboard on confusion, Billy breaks out into a grin and valiantly tries to suppress his laughter at what Dom has done while he was asleep. A reminder for Billy, Dom would say, in his adorable, cheeky way.

Billy’s wrist is wrapped in one of Dom’s beloved leather cuffs, and has been tied to a sturdy, wooden post in the headboard, ensuring that Billy can’t slip away like before. Unlike that terrible morning, the sun is shining, and it looks to be a beautiful day in paradise. Shifting to bring Dom further into his embrace, Billy kisses Dom’s tousled, silky hair before closing his eyes and going back to sleep.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

fin

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Date: 2006-06-05 02:50 pm (UTC)

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