monaboyd | Forgive Me

Title: Forgive Me - Brave
Author:

dylan_dufresne
Pairing: BB/DM
Rating: Hard R, to be safe.
Feedback: Would be greatly appreciated as it’s my drug of choice. Thanks to

frojane for the beta and encouragement.
Disclaimer: Not at all true in reality. This is my imagination at work.
Warning: ANGST in this part. I can tell you’re surprised. Really. Kleenex alert!
Previous Part: And since the bunnies are running rampant, here is a follow up to Timing.
A/N: This is #11 in the series of fics that were unrelated until recently. If you want to read the others, they start here. Please remember to read the warnings at the top.

11 - Brave

Chin propped up on one long fingered hand, Dom nods at the bartender to bring him another drink. He lost count how many he’s had over an hour ago, and frankly, Dom doesn’t really care all that much. The truth is, no matter how much he drinks, how far away he lives, nothing will change the fact that Dom is in love with his best mate. It won’t change the fact that Billy’s getting married, probably is married by now, after finding out how Dom feels about him.

Of course, Dom knew it was a long shot that Billy would immediately respond to him, throw away ‘happily married’ and decide to be with him. They’ve been best mates for years, but in all that time, Dom never told Billy that he’d fallen in love with him. Until the wedding, Dom hadn’t been able to work up the courage to risk losing their friendship, but then, at the church, Dom realized he couldn’t stand silently at Billy’s side as his best man. He had to be brave, tell the truth, once and for all. Accept the consequences of his actions.

The memory of Billy’s shocked lips and wide green eyes cause Dom’s stomach to twist, because it was the last thing he wanted to see after their first kiss. And his hands. Fuck, Dom’s hands had been all over Billy, desperately trying to make Billy understand, and if not, have memories to last him a lifetime. Billy tasted like minty toothpaste, his hair smelled of apples and felt soft and silky, while his Boyd tartan wool kilt was pleasantly scratchy against Dom’s palm.

If Billy had given Dom even the slightest sign that he felt something for him as well, Dom would’ve been on his knees in a heartbeat, exploring beneath that kilt, finding out once in for all if Billy is a traditional Scot. That was part of the reason why Dom had been as hard as a rock as he’d pressed Billy against the wall and kissed him, because the Scotsman has no clue as to how sexy he looks in the formal wear. Hell, Billy has no idea that everything he wears causes Dom’s body to throb. Even the aroma of Billy’s soft, pale skin is amazing and perfect.

Downing the last of his drink, Dom winces at the swift burn in his throat and then reaches for the fresh glass of amber liquid that the bartender has so generously provided. Clearly, Dom’s thinking too much about what will never be, and the shattered remains of the most important friendship of his life, and that means he’s not nearly drunk enough.

By the time another hour passes, Dom is no longer miserable and drowning his sorrows in alcohol. Now he’s floating on a buzz of very expensive whiskey, and fantasizing about Billy changing his mind and calling off the wedding. Although Dom feels guilty for the heartbreak and disappointment that Billy’s bride would feel, he wonders, isn’t it better to realize sooner and prevent an even bigger mistake, one that would require a divorce?

Smiling to himself, Dom imagines Billy running out of the church and down the street after him, their bodies coming together in a fierce hug, followed by a mind-melting kiss that goes on for what feels like forever, hands clutching at one another desperately. To see such joy and love reflected in Billy’s eyes would be a dream come true for Dom. It’s everything Dom could’ve ever wanted for his life, and to share it with his best mate would be nothing short of paradise.

Drawing the tip of his finger along the rim of his empty glass, Dom imagines Billy finding him in a pub, just like this one, sliding into the booth across from him and nervously trying to form the words to express how he feels about what’s changed between them. It’s so vivid it almost seems real, gazing into Billy’s warm green eyes, feeling his small fingers lace with his. The overwhelming desperation that Dom feels in the pit of his stomach, with a need that rises from the depths of his soul, Dom allows himself to linger in the fantasy, where Billy doesn’t hate him for ruining his special day, but instead embraces Dom’s bravery, thanks him for stopping him from making the biggest mistake of his life.

It hurts too much to imagine a life without Billy as his best mate, so Dom allows the dream to continue, where Billy moves to his side of the booth, snuggles in close, and kisses Dom, even better than the way he’s spent years imagining it. The intense heat of Billy’s mouth feels so real, perfectly sweet, hungry, and yet tender, their tongues meeting and parting wetly in warm, passionate kisses that feel as natural as breathing.

Longing to stay in this place forever, because he just can’t face a world where Billy hates him, Dom lifts the glass to his lips and pours the amber liquid down his throat, blinking the hot tears from his eyes, and swallowing the whimper of pain that’s begun to grow. As long as he can stay right here, in this bliss, he’ll be alright. Here, there is hope, and right now, it’s all Dom has left to cling to. Brushing at the dampness beneath his eyes, Dom signals the bartender for another round, and then traces the pouty curve of his lower lip, remembering how it felt to be pressed against Billy’s.

Yes, as long as he can stay here, in this place, things will be alright.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

As bright rays of sunlight wash over his pale, withdrawn face, Dom covers his ears to drown out the sound pounding in his ears, and then he suddenly realizes that it’s his own whimpering that’s filling the quiet. Rolling away from the brightness and blinking to clear the thick fog from his throbbing head, Dom’s bleary-eyed gaze settles on a folded piece of paper resting on the pillow next to him. In an instant, Dom’s heart rate triples, as he recognizes the cursive handwriting that spells out his name.

Dominic

There’s nobody else in the world who writes his name that way. Only Billy.

Gnawing on his lower lip, Dom slowly pushes himself up so he’s sitting cross-legged under the coverlet on his rumpled hotel bed, idly wondering how the letter got there, then remembers that Sean had a spare key to his room, just in case. There was supposed to be a party after the ceremony, a celebration of Billy’s new life as a married man. Taking a deep, uneven breath in an effort to settle his nerves, Dom picks up the single sheet of paper, slowly opens in, and begins to read.

Dominic,

I’ve been sitting here for almost twenty minutes, trying
to figure out how to begin this letter, trying to find
the words to describe how I felt after you kissed me,
and then ran from the church.

I guess I’ll start with the truth, since you’ve taken a
sudden interest in being brutally honest. I think the
first thing I felt was anger. We’ve known each other for
years, been best mates, told each other everything or so
I thought, and then you chose to announce your feelings
for me just minutes before I’m supposed to make a
commitment to someone for the rest of my life?

Why, Dominic? Why?

Pressing his lips together as his hands begin to shake, Dom blinks rapidly to clear the excess moisture from his bloodshot eyes. It’s as he feared. Billy is angry, but that really doesn’t surprise Dom. It must’ve been a huge shock, having your best mate pin you to the wall and then have their tongue pushed into your mouth, not to mention the pelvic thrusting. Taking a deep breath and resting his elbows on his knees, Dom resumes reading.

Do you have any idea, how it felt, to watch my best mate
run from me, when I’d counted on you to be standing by my
side, on the most important day of my life? I want you to
know that I’m not angry with you anymore. I realize now
that you’d obviously been feeling this way for a long time,
and couldn’t stay silent any longer. I wish you’d told me,
trusted me with the truth. I hurts that you kept things so
important from me. What’s more important than who you love?

As much as I don’t want to talk about this, it needs to be
said. I know the question you’ve been asking yourself, and
I imagine it’s the reason why you didn’t say anything until
now. If I don’t feel the same way for you, can our friendship
survive? What would be worse? Staying silent, or losing your
best mate? This is the question, isn’t it? Again, I must be
honest with you. Right now, I don’t know. I just don’t know,
Dommie.

Of course, Dom realizes with a rueful smile. Billy would be able to figure out his reasoning, why Dom did what he did, and why he waited so long. Just the faintest trace of hope begins to build in Dom’s chest, easing the heavy ache. Maybe it’s not as bad as he thought. Maybe it’ll be alright. After all, Billy didn’t tell Dom to stay away from him.

Now for some truth of my own. If you’d waited a few seconds,
you would’ve given me a chance to tell you that you’re not
alone, in having feelings for your best mate, I mean. For a
long time, I’ve cared so much for you, but I never allowed
myself to think about what it would be like if we were more
than best mates. Since you kissed me, I can’t say that
anymore. Although I wish it were that simple, now things
have changed. I couldn’t back out of the wedding. I couldn’t
walk away, and ruin everything, even though I wanted to run
after you.

Forgive me, for not being brave enough to call it off, even
though I know that my heart is being pulled in two very
different directions. I wish it could be easier, I wish I
could just run, leave it all behind and figure this out with
you, but I can’t. I’ve said my vows, and I mean them. I’ve
made my promise, as I said I would, and that changes everything
with you and me. What was, what could’ve been, and what is.

Eyes wide with shock, Dom’s jaw drops as he absorbs the the knowledge of what his cowardice has done. If only he’d mustered up the courage sooner, been honest with Billy, trusted that their friendship could withstand such a confession. Billy has all but admitted that he would’ve been open to exploring a change from mates to something else, but now it’s too late. With hot tears spilling down his cheeks, Dom winces at the painful twisting in his belly as he continues to read, hanging onto a fraying thread of hope that there is good news to come.

I hate to do this to you, but I must ask you for something,
even though I know it will hurt you. I need you to do something
for me. I need to make my marriage work, but in order for that
to happen, I need you to keep your distance. I’ve promised myself
to someone else, and the only way I can be sure to keep that
promise, is to stay away from you. I had to make a choice, and
unfortunately, that choice was made before you kissed me. I
can’t jeopardize what has just begun. If only I had known sooner,
maybe things would be different right now.

Please forgive me for asking this of you, and please respect
the choice I’ve made, even though I know you don’t agree with
it. I hope that someday things will change. In the meantime,
take care of yourself, Dominic. You’ll be in my heart. Always.

Billy

Blinded by the tears rolling freely down his cheeks and falling onto the page clutched in his hands, Dom’s heart shatters at the realization that in one moment, thanks to one rash decision, he’s lost the love of his life, and his best mate. Never again will they be Dom‘n’Billy. If he’d stayed silent, at least he would’ve had his best mate, even if he had to quietly suffer. That lifetime of pain would be better than this. Anything would be better than this.

Clutching the handwritten letter to his chest, Dom curls up into a tight ball on the mattress, sobbing for what he could’ve had, if he’d been brave enough to take a risk, for what has been lost, and for what has been destroyed. The tears keep coming and coming, and Dom wonders if the well will ever run dry. Gasping raggedly, trying to draw air into his lungs, Dom’s hands grab fistfuls of bed sheet and then he buries his face in his pillow, desperate for the pain to stop. Shaking violently, Dom fights the invisible hands pulling at him with all of his strength, until finally, he’s forced onto his back.

The first thing Dom notices is the fact that the sun has suddenly disappeared, and the room is dark, almost black, save for the wide beam of blue moonlight falling across the bed. Looking around the hotel room in confusion, Dom’s eyes widen when he realizes that he’s not alone. The hands gripping Dom’s biceps are not invisible, and are in fact, very real, and as he focuses on warm green eyes, Dom’s confusion grows.

Smiling tentatively, Billy releases Dom and reaches higher to cup his cheek, brushing away the salty tears. For a moment, Dom is filled with hope, and then fear crashes over him. Billy’s married. They can’t do this. It’s a moment of weakness on Billy’s part, and Dom can’t allow it to happen, even though he wants nothing more than to throw himself into Billy’s arms. Scrambling back, Dom tries to get away, put some distance between them, holding the bed sheet to his chest to shield his nudity. Dom doesn’t even realize he’s speaking aloud, rambling nearly incoherently until Billy holds up his left hand for Dom to see.

It takes a moment for Dom to process what Billy is trying to tell him, and then his brain finally catches up to his eyes. Billy’s hand. Billy’s fingers. Billy’s ring finger.

With no ring.

Looking down at the rumpled coverlet and sheet, Dom searches with his eyes and then his hands for the heartbreaking letter from Billy, but it’s vanished, as though it never existed. Like it was all a terrible dream. Still feeling the effects of the expensive whiskey that he’d spent most of the afternoon and evening injesting, Dom realizes that less time has passed than he thought. Morning hasn’t come yet. He hasn’t awakened to find the letter on the pillow next to him. It doesn’t exist, because it was all a nightmare. A horrible nightmare of what could’ve been. Stunned beyond words, Dom can only stare mutely as Billy reaches for him, draws their bodies close and wraps his strong arms around Dom’s lithe body.

“Forgive me,” Billy says with a fond smile, and then covers Dom’s shocked lips with his own in a deep, passionate, tongue tangling kiss.

When they part long moments later, Dom’s eyes are sparkling with happiness, and then their mouths are coming back together, both embracing the rewards of being brave.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

fin

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Date: 2006-06-04 03:29 am (UTC)

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