monaboyd | Forgive Me

Title: Forgive Me - Blame
Author:

dylan_dufresne
Pairing: BB/DM
Rating: R, to be safe.
Summary: Okay, so I said there wouldn’t be any follow up to the pieces I wrote in The Forgive Me Series. Well, I lied. A bunny chased me around and wouldn’t leave me alone, so here is a sequel to Mistake. You need to read that one first, or this won’t make any sense.
Feedback: Would be appreciated as it’s my drug of choice. I love it like Charlie loves heroin, without the nasty withdrawal, of course. Many thanks to

frojane for the lightning fast beta and encouragement.
Disclaimer: Not at all true in reality. This is my imagination at work.
Warning: ANGST. Dark themes. Peril. I would suggest having some kleenex nearby.
A/N: Here I was, content to leave this series of fics alone, but that damn bunny just wouldn’t leave me alone. Rotten little fluffer. I must place some blame on

surreality_fan, because of her very *strong* reaction to Mistake.
A/N 2: This is #9 in this series of unrelated fics. Well, they were unrelated until this one. If you want to read the others, they start here. Please remember to read the warnings at the top.

9 - Blame

Easing his slender, aching body out of the back seat of the taxi to stand on the pavement, Dom pushes his mussed hair off his forehead, grateful for the sunglasses he’s wearing, as they’re hiding his swollen and bloodshot eyes. Despite the endless hours of waiting, at the airport until his flight was called, and while the airplane crossed the Atlantic to Scotland, Dom is suddenly overwhelmed at the realization that he’s now standing on Billy’s doorstep, half a world away from the scene of the crime. It was the single, worst moment of Dom’s entire life, the one that’s been replaying in his mind, haunting him constantly, whether he’s awake or asleep.

It’s the memory of the tears in Billy’s devastated, normally beautiful green eyes that forces Dom to move from the curb to the front door, taking several deep breaths before removing his sunglasses and ringing the bell. Trembling nervously, Dom waits, listening as familiar footsteps draw close, and then the door opens, and he can’t breathe. Clothes rumpled and ginger hair disheveled, Billy meets Dom’s eyes for a fraction of a second, and then the door slams shut, the dead bolt snapping into place with a deafening thunk. Hearing the harsh order that’s directed at him through the solid surface, Dom flinches at the anger and hatred spewing venomously from the cherubic lips of his lover.

Blinking back the tears that fill his vision, Dom sinks down to sit on the top step, needing a minute or two to compose himself, pull himself together and think. Of course, he knew this wouldn’t be easy, but he’d hoped that at the very least, Billy would look at him. Apparently, the sight and sound of Dom is far too much for Billy to handle right now. Not knowing what else to do, Dom sits and waits outside Billy’s door, hoping that Billy will change his mind and decide to speak to him. Shivering in the cool, Scottish air, Dom sits and waits until darkness has fallen and he’s trembling from the chill seeping through his thin, California clothes. When moonlight is spilling over his devastated eyes, Dom rises awkwardly to his feet, takes one, long look at Billy’s front door and then reluctantly walks away.

* ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ *

Before the morning fog begins to lift in the morning, Dom is back, sitting on Billy’s doorstep, bundled up in several layers of clothing to help ward off the low temperatures. A short while later, the aroma of tea and porridge wafts out to tease Dom’s nostrils, causing his stomach to rumble, and Dom realizes that he can’t remember the last time he ate. Since Billy walked out of Dom’s flat in LA, Dom hasn’t slept or eaten very much, his body consumed with more important matters. It’s well into the afternoon before Dom sees the curtains in the front window shift slightly, and then footsteps move toward the front door once again. Scrambling to his feet and rubbing his hands together to help warm them a little, Dom waits anxiously as the lock is disengaged, and the door slowly opens. Eyes flat and expressionless, Billy looks out, and Dom winces internally at the dark circles under his eyes. It would seem that neither of them are sleeping much these days.

Arms folding across his chest, Billy leans against the door jam and nods, inviting Dom to speak. For the next several minutes, Dom tries to explain what happened, not defend or make excuses, but just explain how things had gone horribly wrong that night. Eyes pleading, Dom tries to make Billy understand that he truly believed that it was Billy he was with, and that he has no interest in Elijah romantically. Unnerved by Billy’s eerie silence, Dom rambles on until finally, Billy holds up a hand, instructing Dom to stop. Biting down on his lower lip to keep it from trembling, Dom obeys, fervently hoping and praying that Billy will believe him. Forgive him for such a huge mistake.

For a long moment, Billy says nothing, not looking directly at Dom, but just over his left shoulder, his mind clouded with painful memories. Just when Dom begins to wonder if his heart is going to burst right out of his chest, it’s pounding so hard, Billy finally opens his mouth, and speaks. The anger that was there yesterday is gone, replaced with even greater pain and despair, choking the hope from Dom’s weary, battered soul. Silently, Dom listens as Billy describes how it felt to walk into Dom’s bedroom and discover two people he loved like brothers, wrapped up together in naked bliss. No matter what he does, Billy can’t get the image of Dom’s betrayal out of his mind, as it has been permanently seared into his consciousness. When Billy’s finished, he looks away, eyes downcast, devoid of the sparkle that Dom remembers so vividly.

Swallowing hard, Dom dares to break the heavy silence between them, tentatively asking Billy is there is any possibility whatsoever that he could forgive him. Not today, not tomorrow, but perhaps weeks, months or even years from now. Shrugging and shaking his head, Billy does the Dom the courtesy of being honest. While he doesn’t know for sure at this time, forgiveness and a future together doesn’t seem too likely, as the wound is too deep, the damage too great.

Heart shattering into millions of tiny pieces, Dom slowly nods in acceptance, feeling his stomach twist painfully as his worst nightmare comes to full, technicolor life. Blinking rapidly to keep the tears from falling, Dom apologizes to Billy one last time, promising that he’ll love Billy forever, and that he’ll wait for as long as it takes. Turning away before he throws himself at Billy’s feet and shamelessly starts to beg, Dom sucks in several ragged breaths as he slowly walks away, hoping that Billy will change his mind and run after him. Instead, Dom hears the front door close once again, and when he looks over his shoulder, Billy is gone. Wrapping his arms around his aching chest, Dom looks left and then right, scanning the quiet street, unsure of what to do, where to go. His reason for living is gone, and now Dom’s more alone than he’s ever felt before, in his whole life.

* ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ *

Another restless night passes, and Billy rises early, silently wondering how it can be that his sheets smell like Dom, but refusing to let the question linger in his mind. Padding listlessly into the kitchen, Billy turns on the kettle for tea, and stares aimlessly out the window until the water comes to a boil. Billy is debating whether or not he should make breakfast, as the porridge he made yesterday sat on the counter, becoming a gelatinous lump, never to be consumed, when the front door opens and then closes with a decisive bang. Eyes wide with surprise, Billy watches Maggie stride into the room, bypassing her brother and walking directly over to the phone.

Upon discovering the unplugged cord, as Billy had decided it was the easiest way to avoid everyone, Maggie mutters something under her breath, and then reconnects the wiring. Setting the phone back down on the counter, Maggie looks at her watch and then folds her arms over her chest as she waits. More than once, Billy opens his mouth to protest, not wanting to talk to anyone about the end of his relationship with Dom, but he is silenced by his sister’s uncharacteristically icy glare.

When the phone rings several minutes later, at precisely eight o’clock, Maggie answers it and then passes the receiver to Billy, giving him an expectant look. Reluctantly, Billy accepts the phone and waits to find out who called his sister to ensure the opportunity to speak to him. When the familiar voice floats over the line, Billy releases the heavy breath he’s been holding in his lungs. Sinking into a chair at the kitchen table, Billy listens as Viggo expresses his concern at the reports he’s received from other members of the fellowship over recent days.

In short, everything is in chaos. After Billy walked out of Dom’s flat, Dom and Elijah fought bitterly, and it was on the verge of becoming a violent, physical altercation when Sean arrived, thanks to Mac’s call. Refusing to stay in the flat one more second, Dom had left with Sean with just the clothes on his back, leaving Mac and Elijah behind. Word has spread quickly through the fellowship, and people are taking sides, some more vehemently than others. In Sean’s case, he’s flatly refusing to speak to Elijah, who has since fled LA to New York, and is currently staying with his sister. That’s where Viggo tracked him down to talk, and get his side of the story.

Not feeling particularly sympathetic towards Elijah, Billy starts to cut the older man off, and then Viggo asks if Billy has seen Dom lately. He didn’t return to his hotel room last night, nor is he answering his mobile. Despite his promise to check in with Sean or Viggo each evening, Dom seems to have disappeared, and now Viggo is trying to find out what has happened. Swallowing hard, Billy relays the conversation he had with Dom yesterday afternoon, watching as Maggie’s eyes widen in horror, and a hand covers her mouth. Irritation is beginning to build inside Billy, and then Viggo begins to speak, offering Billy some things to think about, a side to the situation that apparently Billy never even considered.

Refusing to be anywhere near the place where he and Billy fought, where he’d hurt Billy so badly, Dom left to stay with Sean and Christine, and it was Sean who later found Dom sobbing in the shower, scrubbing his skin raw under a scalding spray, trying to wash the presence of Elijah off his body. That was when Sean called Viggo, looking for guidance with the situation, afraid for what Dom might do next. Concerned and confused, it was during Viggo’s conversation with Elijah that the pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place.

Overwhelmed with tremendous guilt, now that he’s sober in the harsh light of day, Elijah tearfully confessed that Dom was too drunk to know who he was with, that while they were together, it was Billy’s name that Dom spoke. At the time, Elijah was too drunk and horny to realize that Dom was in no condition to give his consent, and that he has taken something from Dom, without his permission, that was reserved solely for Billy. Intoxicated or not, Elijah accepts what he has done, the line he crossed, the gravity of the mistake, and how he now has to live with the consequences of his actions.

Dom, on the other hand, was unable to verbalize his feelings, form them into words for Viggo, as his only thought was to get to Glasgow, and to Billy. Considering the damage Dom has inflicted on himself, Viggo is gravely concerned about Dom’s mental well being, how emotionally fragile he is right now. Taking a deep breath, Viggo then tells Billy the last thing Dom said to him. Dom’s plane ticket to Glasgow was one way, and he decided that if Billy didn’t forgive him, there wasn’t any point coming back. What Dom didn’t say, but Viggo suspected, is that Dom meant that there wasn’t any point going on with his life, as it’s so entwined with Billy’s. Voice uncharacteristically filled with fear, Viggo explains that he’s afraid that Dom has done something to himself. Hurt himself. Or worse.

Clutching the phone like a lifeline as his belly churns painfully, it suddenly dawns on Billy that Dom is likely blaming himself for what happened with Elijah, that he thought that he was safe with a friend, only to wake up and discover that he’d been taken advantage of in his vulnerable state. And then, before he’d even had a chance to process what had happened to him, Dom watched Billy hatefully blame him for what happened, and walk away without so much as a backward glance. Still, Dom clung to hope, as he scrubbed away the evidence, the stain he felt on his skin, wanting to rid himself of the shame before chasing after Billy, needing him more than ever, only to be blamed, yet again, and then rejected. The words Billy said to Dom haunt him now, finally understanding that he’d been too caught up in his anger and hurt to see Dom’s overwhelming pain as he slowly unraveled.

Looking up and meeting Maggie’s tearful gaze, Billy realizes the horrible mistake he’s made. Never has Dom needed him more, desperate for Billy’s love and support, and now he’s all alone. Suffering. Quickly saying goodbye to Viggo, Billy tosses the phone to Maggie and grabs his jacket as he all but runs to the front door. He has to find Dom. Now. Searching his memory, Billy tries to figure out what Dom would do, where he would go, since he’s not here, or at his hotel. They’ve spent a fair amount of time here in Scotland, enjoying being far, far away from the glare of Hollywood’s prying eyes. Gnawing on his lower lip, Billy pauses on front step, looks left and then right, trying to imagine where Dom would go. Where would Dom attempt to find some comfort, after being rejected by the love of his life in his darkest hour?

Remembering a walk they’d taken one afternoon to a nearby park, and how happy they’d been, snuggling and kissing until they could no longer control themselves, Billy recalls practically running back to the house and then spending hours in bed together, laughing and loving. It was a wonderful day. Sending up a silent prayer that Dom didn’t get too far, Billy races towards the park, his chest aching for breath, fear twisting his belly into tight knots. After arriving, Billy scans the area, searching for the familiar, dark blonde hair that smells of sunshine and passion, and the playful, blue-grey eyes that light up when they meet Billy’s.

Closing his eyes for a moment, Billy visualizes what Dom was wearing yesterday, and how chilled he looked, after sitting on Billy’s cold front steps for hours. Turning in a slow circle, ragged breathing filling the quiet, Billy suddenly spots a small lump at the base of a tree at the far edge of the park, in a color that does not exist in nature. A surge of relief shoots through Billy’s body when he realizes that it’s the same shade as the jumper that Dom was wearing the previous afternoon. When he notices that the lump is eerily still, Billy’s heart skips several beats, and then he’s running to close the distance between them.

Curled into a tight ball, long arms wrapped around his knees, Dom stares blankly at the small pond, not seeing anything, too lost in his despair to feel the light wind or the cold air, chilling him to the bone. When Billy arrives and drops to his knees at Dom’s side, Dom doesn’t react, not even when Billy tentatively reaches out to cup his flushed cheek. Shocked at how cold his lover is, Billy is horrified at the realization that Dom’s been alone out here, all night, in the dark and freezing temperatures, passively waiting for the elements to finish him off, his heart broken, his soul crushed. It’s frightening how flat and dull Dom’s eyes are, glassy, almost dead, like a doll. Listening to Dom’s wheezing, labored breathing, Billy’s concern grows, and he starts to rub Dom’s arms, to give him some much needed warmth as he murmurs softly in Dom’s ear.

Smoothing back Dom’s mussed hair, Billy tries to lift his chin a little so their eyes can meet, and is completely unprepared when Dom suddenly springs to life, lashing out, shoving Billy away and begging him profusely to stop torturing him. Words muddled and spilling out so fast that Billy can barely understand them, it takes Billy a few moments to figure out that Dom thinks he’s dreaming, or more accurately, is trapped in a horrible nightmare. Blindly trying to push Billy away as fresh tears flood his bloodshot eyes, Dom repeats the same phrase, over and over again, in a mantra that makes Billy’s blood run cold. Immense guilt tears at Billy’s heart to hear Dom fervently promise to end his life, because Billy hates him so much that he wants Dom to die. Hot, salty tears flowing freely down his cheeks, Dom vows that he’ll do anything, he’ll do something right, like Billy told him to, in the hopes that someday Billy will forgive him. Gazing at Dom with tears in his eyes, one thing is perfectly clear to Billy. His sweet, beloved Dom is badly broken, and slipping further away by the minute.

Thankful that while he may be slightly smaller, he’s still stronger than Dom, Billy keeps struggling with the younger man until finally, all of Dom’s strength is gone, and he collapses, falling into the welcoming blackness of unconsciousness. Crumbling into a limp heap of shaking limbs and ragged, uneven breathing, Dom slumps forward like dead weight, falling into Billy’s arms, and only then does Billy realize that Dom is burning up with fever, the exposure to the elements taking their toll on his ravaged body. Tenderly cradling Dom to his chest and stroking his hair, Billy quickly decides that he has to get Dom inside, warm him up, as soon as possible. Carefully maneuvering Dom so he can slip an arm under his knees, Billy awkwardly rises to his feet with Dom cradled in his embrace, and starts to walk in the direction of home.

At the edge of the park, a car horn beeps, shattering the silence, and Billy looks towards the sound, meeting Maggie’s concerned green eyes as she pulls her car to the curb. Flatly refusing to let Dom go for even an instant, Billy gnaws on his lower lip, watching Dom’s eyelids flutter as Maggie quickly makes the trip back to his house. Barely waiting until Maggie pulls the car to a stop, Billy hefts Dom’s limp weight once again, pushing the front door open with his foot and making his way quickly down the hall to the loo. Once inside the small room, Billy and Maggie work together to peel away Dom’s jumper, t-shirt and undershirt before Maggie turns and twists on the taps in the shower. Then before Billy can request it, Maggie slips out of the room quietly, closing the door behind her to leave them alone as Dom’s nudity is exposed.

Wincing at the icy chill on Dom’s bare, almost blue skin, Billy eyes fill with tears as his fingertips trail over Dom’s damp eyes and chapped lips, then move lower to the abused flesh, when Dom had scrubbed it raw, leaving red, painful-looking patches of injury. The damage is extensive, and Billy does his best to find a way to hold Dom to his chest, avoiding the worst of Dom’s wounds, not wanting to cause even more pain. Awkwardly stripping off his own clothes while still holding Dom against him, using his own body heat to warm Dom, Billy then steps under the hot spray, ensuring that the water flows over Dom’s shoulders and back.

Nose red and fingers like icicles, Dom remains unconscious and oblivious to what is going on, even as Billy leans against the tile wall, supporting Dom with one arm while his other holds Dom’s fingers to his chest, directly over his heart. Only when Dom is no longer shivering violently and his breathing has improved significantly, does Billy twist off the taps and cocoon Dom in his robe, then wrap a towel around his own waist. Stepping into the hall, Billy looks towards his bedroom just as Maggie appears in the doorway, a large mug of hot tea cradled in her hands. Stepping back, Maggie watches as Billy tenderly tucks Dom into the bed she’d straightened up for them a few minutes ago, places the tea on the nightstand, and then kisses her brother’s cheek before quietly leaving the room.

Letting his towel drop to the floor without a second thought, Billy slips under the thick coverlet, slipping his arms around the younger man to draw their bodies close. After opening the robe so their bare skin can touch, Billy cradles Dom’s limp body to his chest once again. Slowly rocking back and forth, ever so gently, Billy smoothes the damp, dark blonde strands of Dom’s hair off his forehead as he murmurs in Dom’s ear. After watching Dom sleep for a long while, Billy reluctantly tucks Dom’s head under his chin before ensuring that the coverlet is wrapped around their bodies snugly. Tightening his arms possessively around Dom’s slender body, Billy gnaws on his lower lip, and waits for Dom to open his eyes.

Nearly two hours pass as Billy dozes on the edge of sleep, sharing his body heat to warm the chilled man in his arms, and then finally, Dom begins to stir. For several long moments, things seem to be fine, and then Dom wakens with a start, the painful memories flooding back like a tidal wave when he opens his eyes. Exhausted and utterly confused by his surroundings, Dom decides he must be having another nightmare, and anxiously waits for the angry words to shred his soul once again, what’s left of it anyways. Shifting, Dom quickly tries to pull back, slip free of the arms surrounding him, and then Billy is cupping his cheek, guiding his chin up so their eyes can meet.

“Forgive me,” Billy requests, eyes glistening with tears as the tips of his fingers find a small section of ravaged skin on Dom’s chest.

A ragged sob rips hoarsely from Dom’s throat, and then lips are meeting in a tender, gentle kiss, salty tears mixing together as they cling to one another.

* ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ *

fin

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Date: 2006-04-22 01:13 am (UTC)

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