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monaboyd Jan. 1st, 2006 01:05 am)
sassywitch.livejournal.com posting in monaboyd Jan. 1st, 2006 01:05 am)Title: Don't Shut me out
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sassywitch
Fandom: LOTRPS
Characters: Monaboyd
Word Count: 2131
Rating: NC-17
Summary: There's only so much denial one person can stand
Disclaimer: Don't own them or they'd be far happier and in closer proximity
Author's Notes: This is a companion peice for Tonight I wanna Cry. Many thanks to the magnificentdylan_dufresne for giving this a look over for me. Thanks eternally babe. This is a little peice inspired by the song Don't Shut me Out by Keith Urban. For those interested here's a link to the song. http://s21.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=04BM9BR9MBUH51NW73ZPCZU0KL
Dom snuffled his head deeper into the thick scarf that was wrapped twice around his neck. The thick sheepskin jacket he’d borrowed from Billy two Christmases ago pulled haphazardly over the pale blue aran sweater Billy had given him last Christmas did little to prevent the icy daggers of cold wind that assailed him when the door slid open.
Miserable, that was the perfect word for it. He’d left a tropical paradise only 30 hours ago to fly around the world. Why? He was still asking himself that very question. Yet if he was being honest with himself he did know the answer. Less than an hour before he had started his mad trek across the world he and Billy had been on the phone. To say that things had been strained between them lately would be an understatement, and it was tearing Dom up inside.
He didn’t know how to fix it according to Billy’s rules. He sighed deeply, his weary eyes following the motions of the young woman behind the counter as she did her best to fill his request. Billy’s voice had been so sad, so filled with pain and regret that he couldn’t do anything else. He had to come to him. No matter what the outcome.
Billy wasn’t fond of the holiday season at the best of times, and Dom hated to think of him alone, filled with the regrets he bore for both of them. Tears welled in his eyes, staring sightlessly into the inky blackness of the airport carpark. He leaned forward to let his forehead rest against the cold window as he struggled to regather his emotions.
Hearing his name spoken in a lilting Scottish brogue he turned to face the smiling rental attendant. Pulling his hands from the deep fur lined jacket pockets he reached up to pull his grey beanie tighter onto his head before he accepted the car keys she was extending to him.
Slinging his overnight bag over his shoulder, he smiled engagingly at her, nodded politely at her warnings to drive safely and pushed the door open stepping into the flurry of wet icy snow that clung to his eyelashes and froze against his tanned skin.
Pushing through the swirling wind he found his rental, a small green compact that he couldn’t help but compare to the color of Billy’s eyes. Throwing his bag into the passenger seat he slid into the driver’s seat and pulling his gloves from his fingers he pushed the key into the ignition. Starting the car, he turned the heater up to full. Pulling Billy’s beanie from his head he flung it onto the seat on top of his bag and ran his fingers roughly through his shaggy hair. Leaning forward his elbows on the steering wheel, he caught his face in his hands and scrubbed at the moisture left by the snow.
Taking a deep breath he sat back in the seat and fastened his seat belt. Pulling out of the parking lot he struggled to see more than a foot in front of the car. Driving slowly, he maneuvered the car along the icy streets, struggling against the wheel as it slid across icy patches on roads that were thankfully deserted. Stopping the car outside Billy’s cosy little house he breathed a sigh of relief that this part of his journey was over. His hands trembled as he pulled the key from the ignition. Not bothering to pull his beanie or gloves back on he slipped the car key into his pocket and pulled Billy’s house key out as he climbed out of the car.
Fighting against the icy wind he ran up Billy’s front path and struggled with already chilled fingers to slip the key in the lock. Pushing through the door and closing it quickly, he shook his head creating a wave of chilled droplets that showered onto the foyer floor. Exhaling loudly he pulled his jacket open and hung it on the coat rack attached to the wall.
A small smile creased his face as he realized that Billy had left a fire burning. Mournful country music serenaded the house from somewhere. Dom had expected to have to build a fire while he waited for Billy to trot his sexy arse home from the local pub. Toeing off his wet shoes he left them in the hall and walked into the living room. As his eyes took in the room around him his smile faded.
Scenes he himself had filmed played back at him from Billy’s big screen television with the sound muted. The plaintive notes of a sad song filled the air. Billy’s New Zealand photo album lay open on the coffee table. But perhaps the most distressing sight for Dom was his best mate curled into a ball in the corner of his sofa, an empty whisky bottle laying on its side on the floor beside him.
Flipping the cover of the photo album closed, Dom sat on the table his elbows resting on his thighs as he watched Billy. Scanning the sofa quickly he found the remote units and turned off both the stereo and the television, plunging the room into sudden silence. The only illumination the falsely cheerful flames crackling in the hearth.
Catching sight of the photo in Billy’s arms, he leans forward and pulls it gently from Billy’s tight embrace. Smoothing the creased paper with his hands as he turns it, tears well in his shimmering blue eyes. This very photo had been the beginning of the end of a relationship that would never happen. Not while the stubborn Scotsman in front of him had a say in it. The fingers of his free hand reach out to smooth the tousled hair back from Billy’s forehead. Finally he understood the pain that shrouded the room when he arrived.
Billy mumbled in his drunken sleep, pushing Dom’s hand away.
“No….Don’t.” he muttered his hands slapping at Dom’s ineffectually.
Anger began to flare in Dom’s eyes. Exhaustion and disillusion warring in his mind against the pain of Billy’s self induced torment. The pain they both suffered was unnecessary. Dom knew that. Billy knew that. Tonight it would stop. No longer was he going to play this game by Billy’s rules.
“Wake up Billy.” Dom’s long fingers folded around Billy’s shoulder and shook him a little more roughly than he intended.
Billy’s eyes opened slowly, his mind foggy. “Feck off Dommeh.” He growled as he turned to face the back of the sofa “Wanna sleep.”
“Me too you daft bastard.” Dom stated “But not until we sort this out once and for all.”
“Sort what out Dommeh.” Billy frowned, his hands rubbing over his scruffy cheeks, pulling his body to sit upright.
“This…” Dom waved his hand around gesticulating at the room in general, but Billy more specifically. “Please tell me this isn’t how you spend your nights Bill.”
“Alright Dommeh.” Billy murmured “It’s not how I spend my nights.”
“Liar.” Dom muttered. “This will kill you Bills.”
“It’s only when I’m alone.” Billy whispered “I can’t do this alone.”
“You don’t have to fucking do it at all.” Dom bent forward to look into Billy’s downcast eyes. “One word Billy. One word from you and I’m all yours, body heart and soul. Just say it Billy. Please, put us both out of our misery.”
“No.” Billy’s adamant refusal was jarring in the absolute silence of the room. He bounced to his feet and moved away from Dom. “I can’t. We can’t…No.”
“No?” Dom stood and almost yelled at him. “No? After all this time and all that you know we BOTH feel and you say no?”
“You know damned well why we can’t Dommeh.” Billy spoke “We just can’t. It wouldn’t work.”
“Wouldn’t work?” Dom quirked one eyebrow moving forward until they were so close their clothes were touching. He leaned in, before Billy realized what he was doing Dom slid his arms around his waist and pulled Billy tight against him. Bending he caught Billy’s lips with his own and kissed him with six years worth of longing and desperation. His tongue trailed across the seam of Billy’s lips seeking and being granted entry to the warm cavern of Billy’s mouth.
Billy relaxed and melted into Dom’s kiss for a fraction of a second then pressed his hands flat against Dom’s chest and pushed away from him.
“We Can’t.” Billy growled. “I won’t let you do this Dommeh. You’re not going to sacrifice yourself for me.”
“Sacrifice?” Dom frowned “What the fuck are you talking about Boyd? I love you and I think you love me, where does sacrifice enter into it?”
“Your career Dom. You can’t come out in Hollywood, your career will be screwed.” Billy reached up a small trembling hand to cup Dom’s cheek almost reverently. “I won’t let you do that.”
Dom pulled away from Billy’s hand as if it burned him. ”You won’t LET me?” he laughed “That’s sporting of you Billy. It’s been a long time since anyone has LET me do anything. I’m a big boy now, and fairly clever at making my own decisions.”
“You know what I mean Dommeh.” Billy spoke softly most of the fight leaving him.
“NO.” Dom shouted into Billy’s face “I love you Bills. I’d crawl over cut glass for you Billy. Naked.” He sighed fighting the tears that welled in his eyes. “I’ve waited for years for you to finally give in and accept what we have. What some people never have. But you, you stubborn bastard, you won’t. I can’t do this much longer Billy. And frankly after what I saw tonight I don’t think you can either.”
“It’s for the best Dommeh.” Billy spoke his voice flat and unconvincing.
“What’s for the best Bills?” Dom swiped at the tears he couldn’t stop “I’ll tell you what for the best. You’d kiss me and I’d kiss you back and we’d end up making sweet hot love here in front of your fireplace. We’d finally tell each other of our love while we’re not fighting. I’d wake up in the morning wrapped in your strong arms.” He almost sobbed the words out. “Instead we’ll spend lonely solitary nights worrying about each other.”
“Stop Dom.’ Billy spoke sadly.
“No. I want you to hear it. I want you to know what it does to me every single time you deny us.” He turned to pick the photo up that Billy had been holding. “You see this. There is no secret any more. The whole world knows exactly how we feel about each other. They have known since Berlin Bills. There has been no backlash. No-one gives a flying fuck Billy. No one.” He wiped at his eyes again.
“Dommeh, that’s just speculation, it’s not factual. As soon as we admit it the knives will be out for you. I’m safe enough Glasgow is sheltered from that Hollywood shit. But you they’ll eat you alive. They’re not going to do that to my sweet, trusting Dommeh if I can help it. And if I have to sacrifice my happiness for that then it’s worth it.” He lifted a small hand to touch Dom’s face reverently.
Dom growled and batted Billy’s hand away “You selfish bastard.” He sobbed unable to stop the tears that trailed across his cheeks. “What about my happiness? I don’t need Hollywood. I need you. I need our love. I need to know that this.” He gestured at the photo that he was waving wildly about in his hand. “I need to know that this is real.” His voice cracked with emotion. “I need to know that you love me as much as I love you.” He stepped back from Billy and looked into his eyes sadly as he pointed at the picture in his hand “I need to know that this is as real to you as it is in my heart Billy.” He laughed self deprecatingly “But I guess it’s not or you’d be here now, in my arms showing me.”
He took two steps further away from Billy. “I can’t hide how I feel about you Bills. I love you more than life, but I can’t keep doing this. I just can’t. I can’t keep everyone else at arms length because I don’t want them to be like me…always wanting what they can’t have. This has to stop. Right Here. Right Now.” He held the photo he had come to despise in both hands and ripped it squarely down the centre, watching as both pieces fluttered to the floor in front of him.
“I’m sorry Billy.” He whispered and turned quickly, while he could still see through his tears, almost running from the room.
fini
End of the World
Author:
sassywitchFandom: LOTRPS
Characters: Monaboyd
Word Count: 2131
Rating: NC-17
Summary: There's only so much denial one person can stand
Disclaimer: Don't own them or they'd be far happier and in closer proximity
Author's Notes: This is a companion peice for Tonight I wanna Cry. Many thanks to the magnificent
dylan_dufresne for giving this a look over for me. Thanks eternally babe. This is a little peice inspired by the song Don't Shut me Out by Keith Urban. For those interested here's a link to the song. http://s21.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=04BM9BR9MBUH51NW73ZPCZU0KLDom snuffled his head deeper into the thick scarf that was wrapped twice around his neck. The thick sheepskin jacket he’d borrowed from Billy two Christmases ago pulled haphazardly over the pale blue aran sweater Billy had given him last Christmas did little to prevent the icy daggers of cold wind that assailed him when the door slid open.
Miserable, that was the perfect word for it. He’d left a tropical paradise only 30 hours ago to fly around the world. Why? He was still asking himself that very question. Yet if he was being honest with himself he did know the answer. Less than an hour before he had started his mad trek across the world he and Billy had been on the phone. To say that things had been strained between them lately would be an understatement, and it was tearing Dom up inside.
He didn’t know how to fix it according to Billy’s rules. He sighed deeply, his weary eyes following the motions of the young woman behind the counter as she did her best to fill his request. Billy’s voice had been so sad, so filled with pain and regret that he couldn’t do anything else. He had to come to him. No matter what the outcome.
Billy wasn’t fond of the holiday season at the best of times, and Dom hated to think of him alone, filled with the regrets he bore for both of them. Tears welled in his eyes, staring sightlessly into the inky blackness of the airport carpark. He leaned forward to let his forehead rest against the cold window as he struggled to regather his emotions.
Hearing his name spoken in a lilting Scottish brogue he turned to face the smiling rental attendant. Pulling his hands from the deep fur lined jacket pockets he reached up to pull his grey beanie tighter onto his head before he accepted the car keys she was extending to him.
Slinging his overnight bag over his shoulder, he smiled engagingly at her, nodded politely at her warnings to drive safely and pushed the door open stepping into the flurry of wet icy snow that clung to his eyelashes and froze against his tanned skin.
Pushing through the swirling wind he found his rental, a small green compact that he couldn’t help but compare to the color of Billy’s eyes. Throwing his bag into the passenger seat he slid into the driver’s seat and pulling his gloves from his fingers he pushed the key into the ignition. Starting the car, he turned the heater up to full. Pulling Billy’s beanie from his head he flung it onto the seat on top of his bag and ran his fingers roughly through his shaggy hair. Leaning forward his elbows on the steering wheel, he caught his face in his hands and scrubbed at the moisture left by the snow.
Taking a deep breath he sat back in the seat and fastened his seat belt. Pulling out of the parking lot he struggled to see more than a foot in front of the car. Driving slowly, he maneuvered the car along the icy streets, struggling against the wheel as it slid across icy patches on roads that were thankfully deserted. Stopping the car outside Billy’s cosy little house he breathed a sigh of relief that this part of his journey was over. His hands trembled as he pulled the key from the ignition. Not bothering to pull his beanie or gloves back on he slipped the car key into his pocket and pulled Billy’s house key out as he climbed out of the car.
Fighting against the icy wind he ran up Billy’s front path and struggled with already chilled fingers to slip the key in the lock. Pushing through the door and closing it quickly, he shook his head creating a wave of chilled droplets that showered onto the foyer floor. Exhaling loudly he pulled his jacket open and hung it on the coat rack attached to the wall.
A small smile creased his face as he realized that Billy had left a fire burning. Mournful country music serenaded the house from somewhere. Dom had expected to have to build a fire while he waited for Billy to trot his sexy arse home from the local pub. Toeing off his wet shoes he left them in the hall and walked into the living room. As his eyes took in the room around him his smile faded.
Scenes he himself had filmed played back at him from Billy’s big screen television with the sound muted. The plaintive notes of a sad song filled the air. Billy’s New Zealand photo album lay open on the coffee table. But perhaps the most distressing sight for Dom was his best mate curled into a ball in the corner of his sofa, an empty whisky bottle laying on its side on the floor beside him.
Flipping the cover of the photo album closed, Dom sat on the table his elbows resting on his thighs as he watched Billy. Scanning the sofa quickly he found the remote units and turned off both the stereo and the television, plunging the room into sudden silence. The only illumination the falsely cheerful flames crackling in the hearth.
Catching sight of the photo in Billy’s arms, he leans forward and pulls it gently from Billy’s tight embrace. Smoothing the creased paper with his hands as he turns it, tears well in his shimmering blue eyes. This very photo had been the beginning of the end of a relationship that would never happen. Not while the stubborn Scotsman in front of him had a say in it. The fingers of his free hand reach out to smooth the tousled hair back from Billy’s forehead. Finally he understood the pain that shrouded the room when he arrived.
Billy mumbled in his drunken sleep, pushing Dom’s hand away.
“No….Don’t.” he muttered his hands slapping at Dom’s ineffectually.
Anger began to flare in Dom’s eyes. Exhaustion and disillusion warring in his mind against the pain of Billy’s self induced torment. The pain they both suffered was unnecessary. Dom knew that. Billy knew that. Tonight it would stop. No longer was he going to play this game by Billy’s rules.
“Wake up Billy.” Dom’s long fingers folded around Billy’s shoulder and shook him a little more roughly than he intended.
Billy’s eyes opened slowly, his mind foggy. “Feck off Dommeh.” He growled as he turned to face the back of the sofa “Wanna sleep.”
“Me too you daft bastard.” Dom stated “But not until we sort this out once and for all.”
“Sort what out Dommeh.” Billy frowned, his hands rubbing over his scruffy cheeks, pulling his body to sit upright.
“This…” Dom waved his hand around gesticulating at the room in general, but Billy more specifically. “Please tell me this isn’t how you spend your nights Bill.”
“Alright Dommeh.” Billy murmured “It’s not how I spend my nights.”
“Liar.” Dom muttered. “This will kill you Bills.”
“It’s only when I’m alone.” Billy whispered “I can’t do this alone.”
“You don’t have to fucking do it at all.” Dom bent forward to look into Billy’s downcast eyes. “One word Billy. One word from you and I’m all yours, body heart and soul. Just say it Billy. Please, put us both out of our misery.”
“No.” Billy’s adamant refusal was jarring in the absolute silence of the room. He bounced to his feet and moved away from Dom. “I can’t. We can’t…No.”
“No?” Dom stood and almost yelled at him. “No? After all this time and all that you know we BOTH feel and you say no?”
“You know damned well why we can’t Dommeh.” Billy spoke “We just can’t. It wouldn’t work.”
“Wouldn’t work?” Dom quirked one eyebrow moving forward until they were so close their clothes were touching. He leaned in, before Billy realized what he was doing Dom slid his arms around his waist and pulled Billy tight against him. Bending he caught Billy’s lips with his own and kissed him with six years worth of longing and desperation. His tongue trailed across the seam of Billy’s lips seeking and being granted entry to the warm cavern of Billy’s mouth.
Billy relaxed and melted into Dom’s kiss for a fraction of a second then pressed his hands flat against Dom’s chest and pushed away from him.
“We Can’t.” Billy growled. “I won’t let you do this Dommeh. You’re not going to sacrifice yourself for me.”
“Sacrifice?” Dom frowned “What the fuck are you talking about Boyd? I love you and I think you love me, where does sacrifice enter into it?”
“Your career Dom. You can’t come out in Hollywood, your career will be screwed.” Billy reached up a small trembling hand to cup Dom’s cheek almost reverently. “I won’t let you do that.”
Dom pulled away from Billy’s hand as if it burned him. ”You won’t LET me?” he laughed “That’s sporting of you Billy. It’s been a long time since anyone has LET me do anything. I’m a big boy now, and fairly clever at making my own decisions.”
“You know what I mean Dommeh.” Billy spoke softly most of the fight leaving him.
“NO.” Dom shouted into Billy’s face “I love you Bills. I’d crawl over cut glass for you Billy. Naked.” He sighed fighting the tears that welled in his eyes. “I’ve waited for years for you to finally give in and accept what we have. What some people never have. But you, you stubborn bastard, you won’t. I can’t do this much longer Billy. And frankly after what I saw tonight I don’t think you can either.”
“It’s for the best Dommeh.” Billy spoke his voice flat and unconvincing.
“What’s for the best Bills?” Dom swiped at the tears he couldn’t stop “I’ll tell you what for the best. You’d kiss me and I’d kiss you back and we’d end up making sweet hot love here in front of your fireplace. We’d finally tell each other of our love while we’re not fighting. I’d wake up in the morning wrapped in your strong arms.” He almost sobbed the words out. “Instead we’ll spend lonely solitary nights worrying about each other.”
“Stop Dom.’ Billy spoke sadly.
“No. I want you to hear it. I want you to know what it does to me every single time you deny us.” He turned to pick the photo up that Billy had been holding. “You see this. There is no secret any more. The whole world knows exactly how we feel about each other. They have known since Berlin Bills. There has been no backlash. No-one gives a flying fuck Billy. No one.” He wiped at his eyes again.
“Dommeh, that’s just speculation, it’s not factual. As soon as we admit it the knives will be out for you. I’m safe enough Glasgow is sheltered from that Hollywood shit. But you they’ll eat you alive. They’re not going to do that to my sweet, trusting Dommeh if I can help it. And if I have to sacrifice my happiness for that then it’s worth it.” He lifted a small hand to touch Dom’s face reverently.
Dom growled and batted Billy’s hand away “You selfish bastard.” He sobbed unable to stop the tears that trailed across his cheeks. “What about my happiness? I don’t need Hollywood. I need you. I need our love. I need to know that this.” He gestured at the photo that he was waving wildly about in his hand. “I need to know that this is real.” His voice cracked with emotion. “I need to know that you love me as much as I love you.” He stepped back from Billy and looked into his eyes sadly as he pointed at the picture in his hand “I need to know that this is as real to you as it is in my heart Billy.” He laughed self deprecatingly “But I guess it’s not or you’d be here now, in my arms showing me.”
He took two steps further away from Billy. “I can’t hide how I feel about you Bills. I love you more than life, but I can’t keep doing this. I just can’t. I can’t keep everyone else at arms length because I don’t want them to be like me…always wanting what they can’t have. This has to stop. Right Here. Right Now.” He held the photo he had come to despise in both hands and ripped it squarely down the centre, watching as both pieces fluttered to the floor in front of him.
“I’m sorry Billy.” He whispered and turned quickly, while he could still see through his tears, almost running from the room.
fini
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From:
no subject
NOooOOOOOOOooOOOOOOooOOOOOOoooooooOOO!!!!!
Dammit! It's so good and angsty and the song is beautiful 'cause I'm a sucker for Keith... But dear God, WHY?! *Clings to Billys ankles as he drags her sobbing little self of a human shackle around*
From:
no subject
But eventually everything will be good and right with the world again.
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is everyone determined to rip my heart out today?!?!
in other words that was lovely, but hello, ouch. lol
From:
no subject
I promise I'll kick some sense into their sexy little asses
From:
Please?
Damn that Keith Urban for inspiring such sad , but beautiful, fics!
From:
Re: Please?
Nearly every one of Keith's ballads is filled with angsty Monaboyd inspiration.
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no subject
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Glad you're enjoying it hon.
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no subject
Glad you liked it sweetie pie.
From:
no subject
I didn't like it! I ♥ it!!
From:
no subject
*Awww* thanks honey.
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Glad you're enjoying it.
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Glad you like them hon.
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Glad you're enjoying it hon.
From:
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.____.
Don't let it end like this O___O
From:
no subject
*hugs*
Sorry to make you sad hon.
It won't end like that but they've still got some trials.
Glad you're enjoying it.
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
Glad you're enjoying it.
From:
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Glad you're enjoying it.
From:
no subject
*more whimpering*
*starts wailing*
Such hauntingly beautiful angst breaks my heart *sniffle*
From:
no subject
Didn't mean to break your heart honey, but I'm glad you're enjoying it.
thanks for reading.