monaboyd | The Beginning of Us

Title: The Beginning of Us - 18/25
Author:

dylan_dufresne
Pairing: BB/DM
Rating: PG
Summary: Part 18. The extended separation and distance causes some decisions to be made that could change everything.
Feedback: Would be greatly appreciated. Many, many thanks to

frojane and

uisinger for their faboo beta skills.
Disclaimer: Not at all true in reality. *sigh* Damn.
Previous Parts: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
A/N: Warning of angst. Next part will be posted on Wednesday.

Part 18 - Decisions

The future is shaped by the choices we make today.

Dom is curled up in a ball in the small bed in his location trailer, slender body trembling uncontrollably as he struggles to keep from breaking down and crying.

“I’m so sorry, Bills,” Dom whimpers into the phone. “I can’t b-”

“Shhh,” Billy murmurs tenderly. “It’s alright, love. I understand.”

“But I promised you that I’d be there. All the plans we made,” he moans. “I promised.”

“Dommie, it’s hardly your fault that the weather has been bad for three bloody weeks and that shooting is running behind,” Billy insists gently, hoping to bring his distraught lover some much needed comfort. “You couldn’t have known that your time off would be canceled.”

“If the wankers only waited one more day to decide it would’ve been too late,” Dom adds bitterly with a ragged breath. “One more day and I would’ve been on a plane to you, baby.”

“I know, love. I know,” Billy soothes.

“I should go anyways. Fuck the lot of them.”

“You know you can’t do that, Dommie,” Billy replies wisely. “That wouldn’t be fair to everyone else.”

Dom sighs heavily. “I know.”

Pushing aside his own disappointment, Billy focuses his attention on easing the pain overwhelming Dom. The tension in Dom’s voice is palpable, causing Billy’s stomach to twist. So close and now the hope has been ripped out of his arms, leaving Dom wounded and exposed.

“I just wish I was there with you right now,” Dom says with a muffled sniff as he swipes at his face with the back of his hand. “That your arms were around me.”

“Me too, love.”

“Forgive me?” Dom asks in a small voice.

“There’s nothing to forgive, Dommie,” Billy insists gently. “I know you would do anything to be here with me right now. Please don’t blame yourself. Please.”

A gentle knock at Dom’s trailer door interrupts the quiet and Dom curses in German before rising to see who it is. When he opens the door to see who is there, the agitation and frustration in his eyes melts ever so slightly.

“I’m sorry,” Evey offers quietly and apologetically with sympathetic eyes. “I know you’re talking to Billy, but they need us back.”

“What? More good news?” Dom asks sarcastically with a dramatic roll of his eyes.

“New schedule,” she replies uneasily. “How we’re going to make up the time and maybe even get a small break. Maybe.”

Dom’s eyes widen. “Bills-”

“I heard,” he says gently, hearing the unmistakable surge of hope in his lover’s voice. “I’ll talk to you later, yeah? Let me know what’s going on.”

“Yeah.”

“And don’t feel guilty, love. Please,” Billy begs.

“Okay, I promise,” Dom vows. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Brushing at the dampness beneath his eyes, Dom tucks his mobile back into the front pocket of his jeans before following Evey back to set. Maybe this means good news, for a change.

After the last minute cancellation of Dom’s much anticipated trip to Scotland, it had better be good news.

* * *

That night, Dom barely has the strength to strip off his clothes and crawl into bed, utterly exhausted from the emotional toll that the day has taken on him. It scares him how much he was depending on being able to see Billy, and now that the opportunity has been ripped away, the anguishing weight on his chest has increased dramatically, nearly crushing him. Hugging Billy’s pillow tightly to his chest, Dom finally allows the tears to fall and he sobs, long and hard, body shuddering brokenly, until he cries himself to sleep.

In his whole life, he’s never felt more alone.

* * *

Just over nine weeks have passed since Billy left Hawaii and the strain is wearing heavily on Dom. It’s exhausting, pretending for all around him that everything is fine, when in actuality, it’s taking everything in Dom to even get out of bed in the morning. An invisible weight has been strapped to his lean shoulders, dragging him down, a little more each day. Breathing takes effort.

There’s no point burdening Billy with all the lonely details as the bits Dom has let slip through have been hard enough for Billy to hear. Dom suspects that his lover is doing much the same with him, or maybe he just hopes, so in a strange, comforting way, he’s not the only one miserable and alone. Not that he wants Billy to be unhappy, of course. Never. He just wishes they were together. Things are always better when Billy is with him, even the bad days.

Luckily, Dom has discovered a sanctuary in Hawaii, a place where it hurts a wee bit less and he can lose himself in thoughts of happier times with Billy. The lanai of his beloved beach house, overlooking the ocean. He’s never been so profoundly grateful for all the memories that he and Billy made during those wonderful five weeks together. They are what sustains his rather pathetic excuse for an existence these days, and what gets him through each hour, until he can wrap himself up Billy’s lovely Scottish lilt again.

On an overcast Sunday afternoon, while a stiff breeze tosses about the long fronds of the palm trees above and causes a number of them to fall to the sand, Evey shows up at Dom’s house, her jaw set in a determined, yet understanding line. She’s a woman on a mission.

Not even bothering to ring the doorbell, Evey walks alongside the house towards the beach, knowing that she won’t find Dom inside. She’s willing to bet her left arm that he’s in the same place she saw him the last time she was there; where he is every time she comes by to check on him on their rare days off. Unless a miracle has occurred, he’ll be curled up in a blanket on the lounge chair on the lanai, staring aimlessly out at the ocean. When she turns the corner, she sighs and shakes her head sadly, hating that she’s right. Again. Wordlessly, she climbs the stairs and closes the distance between them, not surprised that he doesn’t even acknowledge her arrival. He’s a million miles away, lost in yet another memory. It’s only when Evey smoothes Dom’s wild hair off his face that Dom comes back to himself and glances up at her.

“Dom, you can’t keep doing this,” Evey says gently, perching on the edge of the lounge chair at Dom’s feet. She lays her hand over the bare toes that are poking out from under the blanket and gives them a gentle, comforting squeeze. “Billy wouldn’t want you to stay home and be alone.”

“I know that,” Dom replies absently, staring at the ocean as the water rolls up the white sand, the whitecaps leaving frothy bubbles in their wake. “I just don’t feel like it, yeah? Maybe next time.”

“You’ve been saying ‘maybe next time’ for over two months now.” Folding her arms across her chest, Evey gives Dom a stern look. “You never come out with us anymore. Every single day you’ve got a different, yet very lame excuse. This has to stop.”

“I’m sorry,” Dom says sincerely, his guilty eyes downcast. “I just haven’t felt like going out. Next time, I promise.”

“Dom, you can’t keep doing this,” Evey repeats insistently, flipping her long chestnut hair out of her eyes. “You can’t live on phone calls, letters, photographs and memories.”

“I can try,” Dom whispers, his eyes glistening.

“But it’s not fair to you, Dom. You’re not really living. You’re just existing and that’s not the same thing. It’s not healthy. We’re all really worried about you,” Evey explains, sliding closer to him. “We miss your smile and your crazy jokes. It just feels wrong, to be on set and not to hear you laughing.”

“I laugh,” Dom says protestingly, meeting Evey’s eyes for the first time since her arrival.

“Only when it’s in the script,” Evey fires back. “You’re one hell of an actor, Dom. When the cameras roll, you’re all Charlie. Frankly, I’m stunned by the focus you have. But the rest of the time you sit on the sand and stare at the water, like you’re doing right now. You may as well be lost on an island, all alone.”

“What other choice have I got?” Dom asks in a small voice. “Now they’re saying we won’t get a break for another month, probably not until after the finale. I’ve already broken one promise to Billy. I won’t do it again. I can’t.”

“Can’t he come see you?” Evey asks. “I thought his play finished its run last week.”

“It did. Full houses every night. A smashing success.”

“But?”

“There was a director in the audience and he offered Billy the lead for his next play, and the rehearsals started right away,” Dom informs her miserably, truly happy and proud of his lover’s success, but a small part of him selfishly wishing they were together. “It’s a great role, so I told him he’d be crazy not to take it.”

“He can’t take a break?” Gnawing on her lower lip, Evey frowns. “Not even for a few days?”

“He wanted to come, but he needs the work,” Dom says quietly, his shoulders slumped. “And I can’t ask him to back out of a commitment. He’s already getting fitted for costumes. By the time it’s finished we’ll be shooting the finale. Maybe we can see each other after that.”

“Maybe?” Evey asks in disbelief. “Of course you’ll see each other.”

“We’ll see.”

Refusing to give up, Evey tries again. “Dom, if he knew that you were sitting here, all alone, staring out at-”

“Evey,” Dom interrupts firmly, pushing aside the blanket to reach out and lay a hand on her shoulder. “This isn’t me hiding away, getting sloshed and being a miserable wanker. This is how I get through each day. This house is the one thing keeping me together. The only thing.” Blinking rapidly, Dom desperately tries to keep the tears in his eyes from falling. “It’s our place. I feel close to him here.”

“What are you talking about? It’s just a house.”

“I can’t explain it to you any better than that,” Dom continues gently, trying to smile for Evey’s benefit. “All I know, is that when I’m here, by the water, and I close my eyes, I can feel his arms around me. It doesn’t hurt as much to breathe here.”

Sighing, Evey shakes her head. “But you’re so sad, Dom. I see it in your eyes. You used to light up, and you don’t anymore. It’s like someone stole the spark. This place isn’t saving you, it’s draining what’s left of you. You’re giving up. Why won’t you fight?” she demands.

“I let him go,” Dom says softly, eyes bright. “At the airport, when we were waiting for his flight, he begged me to ask him to stay, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t ask him to give up everything he’s worked so hard for. So I let him go.”

“Dom-”

“This is my own fault,” Dom adds, letting his hand drop to his lap where he then picks at a loose thread laying on the blanket. “If I had just told him everything-”

Realizing that he’s said too much, Dom abruptly stops talking and looks away. Inhaling the salty air into his lungs, Dom forces back the excess moisture in his eyes.

“What are you talking about?” Evey asks, a frown furrowing her brow. “Everything about what?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Dom, with you it’s never nothing.”

Relenting, Dom looks over at Evey again and meets her gaze. “I should’ve talked to him about something, but I was a stupid, chicken-shite arse and kept putting it off, and before I knew it, he’d gone back to Scotland.”

“So call him and talk to him,” Evey suggests, not understanding why Dom is so intent on drowning himself in misery and self-damnation. “You’re on the phone with him all the time. Just say it.”

“It doesn’t quite work like that. I was going to give him something, too.”

“A present.”

“Sort of.”

“Okay, so mail it and when it gets there, get him to call you,” Evey reasons. “That’ll work, right?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Come with me,” Dom says as he stands up, leading the way into the house and down the hall to his bedroom. At the doorway, Evey pauses to watch as Dom walks over to the nightstand on his side of the bed. Opening the top drawer, he reaches in, all the way to the back, fingers closing around the small, ivory bag that he’d hidden there, back in December.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Dom slips off the plastic cover and peels back the soft tissue paper covering the box. Ever so gently cradling it in his hands, Dom angles his wrists so Evey can see what he’s holding.

“Oh my God,” Evey gasps before sinking down to sit next to him on the bed, her eyes wide. “Dom-”

“Now do you understand?” Dom asks quietly. “I couldn’t do it, and I let him go.”

“But not forever,” Evey says, needing Dom to confirm that fact before she can breathe again. “Right?”

“No, not forever,” he agrees, chin trembling, his eyes bright. “But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m here and he’s there. It doesn’t change the fact that our lives are half a world apart and will continue to be.”

“Dom-” Pausing, Evey takes a deep breath. “Has Billy ever mentioned-”

“No,” Dom interrupts flatly, knowing the question she’s struggling to ask. “It never came up.”

“Well, maybe you could talk about it. See if-”

“Evey, the decision was made when I let him leave, and now I have to live with it,” Dom tells her.

“Dom, you need to talk to Billy about this. It’s not fair for you to make that kind of decision, without even talking to him about it.”

“I can’t,” Dom replies softly. “And I think fate is trying to tell me to let it go.”

Wrapping the box up and placing in back in the night stand drawer, Dom rises and returns to the lanai. By the time Evey catches up to him, he’s curled up in his blanket, staring out at the ocean again.

Reluctantly, Evey leaves him alone, desperately wracking her brain to come up with a way to improve the situation. There has to be a way to help Dom escape the depression that is dragging him under, before it sucks away all of his hope and he loses everything he loves.

There’s always a way.

* * *

After being ushered into a comfortable office with a view of the city skyline, Billy settles in the chair closest to the window and smiles at the man on the other side of the desk. He’s an older man, graying at the temples, but has friendly brown eyes and an easy smile.

“Hello George.”

“It’s very good to see you again, Billy,” he replies, reaching across the polished mahogany desk and shaking Billy’s hand. “It’s been quite a while. How are you?”

“Busy. The play is keeping me out of trouble, that’s for sure. How are Katherine and the girls?”

“We have two teenagers,” George replies dryly, causing Billy to laugh. “I think that about covers it.”

“The message from your assistant said everything is ready,” Billy says, getting directly to the point. “So I guess all I have to do is sign on the dotted line.”

“Yes, I did everything you asked for, but as your lawyer, I must caution you-”

“George,” Billy interrupts. “Save your breath. I’ve decided. This is what I need to do. I’m not going to change my mind.”

“You understand that you’re leaving yourself exposed,” George insists. “Once these papers are signed by both parties, you have no legal recourse. There’s nothing you can do if things don’t work out. You could lose everything.”

“I know,” Billy replies simply. “That’s the way I want it.”

“Why are you doing this?” the older man asks, shaking his head in confusion. “Do you think you have something to prove? Have you talked to anyone else about this?”

“Because I want to, and no. You’re the only one who knows about it. For now.”

“Okay then. Why now?” George asks.

“Honestly, George, I should’ve done this a long time ago,” Billy says thoughtfully. “I just hope I’m not too late.”

“You’ve been thinking about this for quite a while,” George realizes as he sits back in his chair and studies Billy for a long, quiet moment.

“It was a long flight from Hawaii to Scotland,” Billy replies. “And it’s been months since then. I’ve had lots of time to think about things.”

“Well, I hope it works out the way you want,” George says as he hands Billy the folder containing the legal papers he’s drafted.

Billy smiles unsteadily, his stomach fluttering. “Me too.”

“When those are signed, get them back to me so I can file them,” George requests as Billy gets to his feet. “Good luck.”

“Thanks. For everything,” Billy says sincerely before closing the door behind him, the legal papers clutched to his chest like a lifeline.

* * *

Frowning, Evey squints, trying to decipher the long series of numbers that she quickly scrawled on a wrinkled scrap of newspaper, before dialing it on her cell phone. Exhaling a slow breath to steady her nerves, Evey gnaws on her lower lip and prays that it’s the right number as the line begins to ring. She’d only had a few minutes to find the number in Dom’s dressing room before he returned from the costume trailer. Getting caught would have certainly made things awkward and required an explanation that she’s not ready to give just yet.

Suddenly, Evey realizes that someone has answered, and she springs into action.

“I’m so sorry to bother you. My name is Evey, and I work with Dom in Hawaii.”

Pausing for a moment to listen, she smiles, and hope begins to flow through her veins.

“I really need your help.”

* * *

19-Gifts

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Date: 2005-08-08 07:42 pm (UTC)

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