The ‘Finding Peace’ Series - Part 1/4

[dylan-dufresne.livejournal.com]

Title: Berlin
Author: dylan_dufresne
Pairing: BB/DM
Rating: R, for dark themes and language.
Summary: Dom can’t stop himself.
Feedback: Would be appreciated, but unbeta'd so please forgive my errors. Thanks to P for convincing me that this didn't suck.
Disclaimer: Not at all true in reality.
A/N: Part 1 of 4. Angst. Darkness. Lots of it. Muse apparently is determined to make me keep writing Dom miserable and alone. *sigh* Inspired by the Berlin photo and the song ‘Missing You’ by Jem.

The flashbulbs are blinding and the screams deafening, but when Dom finds himself at Billy’s side they all fade away. He steps closer, causing Billy’s shoulder to press into the middle of his chest and then, Billy turns to look at him.

I wish this could be
A happy song
Though my happiness disappeared
The moment you were gone

Their eyes lock.

They’re so close; just a few more inches and their lips could meet. Dom feels Billy’s elbow pressing against his stomach. He smiles invitingly.

So, so close.

His heart pounds so loud he wonders if Billy can hear it, or maybe even feel it. And then the moment is gone and they are swept inside the theatre for the screening.

Another lost opportunity.

Don't think I ever believed it
This day will come
Now all I’m feeling
Is lost and numb
I know I promised
That I will try but

Slouching down a little in his seat, Dom wishes he’d worn a suit like Billy. Wishes he’d gotten a haircut and a proper shave. Then they would’ve looked like a matched set. Merry and Pippin. DomnBilly. He picks at a stray thread along the hem of his jeans and steals at glance over at Billy. He looks so smart and fit in his pinstriped suit. Looking away before he’s caught, Dom gnaws on his lower lip, wishing he had the courage to slide his hand over and thread his fingers through Billy’s. Just once.

Dom doesn’t remember watching the movie; it’s not like he hasn’t seen it before. He’s too busy watching Billy from the safety of the darkened theatre and lowered lashes. The light from the screen flickers across Billy’s face a thousand different ways, and Dom memorizes every last one of them.

Before he knows it, the movie's over and they’re back outside, surrounded by flashbulbs and screaming fans. Orlando and Elijah decide to grab a taxi and hit some clubs, so there’s lots of room in the back of the limo on the ride back to the hotel.

I, yes I
Miss you
And its killing inside

The silence in the limo isn’t awkward, but at the same time Dom aches to say something, just so he doesn’t have to listen to Billy’s steady, even breathing. He’s tugging at his tie and loosening it, opening the top two buttons of his pink dress shirt. Pink shouldn’t be sexy on anyone, Dom thinks to himself, but on Billy it just seems right. He can’t remember Billy wearing anything that didn’t look just lovely.

In a couple of days they’ll have to part again, and the thought fills Dom with dread. Another goodbye, another stretch of weeks without seeing those beautiful green eyes and perfect, bow-shaped lips.

Before he can stop himself, he offers to show Billy around Berlin tomorrow. After all, he did spend the first twelve years of his life here. It seems only right. Of course, Billy smiles and agrees, thanking him.

He opens his mouth to say more, but then they’re pulling into the circular driveway of the hotel and gliding to a stop. The familiar ache begins to develop in his chest. Only one person can cause this particular heartache. Billy.

I’ll always be thankful
For the times we had
We were blessed, I should celebrate
But feel too sad

Walking so close together that their shoulders touch, they make their way quickly across the lobby and over to the bank of elevators. For once, nobody seems to notice them; a rare occurrence these days. Smiles are exchanged as they step into the lift and then light laughter as they both reach to press the button for their floor and end up tangled together.

Too soon they arrive at their floor and begin making their way down the hall towards their rooms. The studio had taken care of the arrangements, so their rooms are two doors apart, less than thirty feet separating them.

So, so close.

Dom finds his footsteps slowing as they move down the hall. He doesn’t want to say goodbye; doesn’t want the night to end. At least, not this way. Not again.

Now our wonderful memories
Just make me fall apart
And it feels like somebody is
Stepping in my heart, no
I know I promised
That I wouldn't cry, but

He remembers all the nights in New Zealand when they’d stumble home from the pub together, holding fast to one another until collapsing onto a bed. How simple it had been to curl up together and let sleep overtake them. The memories of waking to the feeling of Billy’s breath wuffling his hair is what Dom carries with him to bed every night. He tries not to think about the fact that nights like those will never happen again. He can’t bear the thought.

They reach Billy’s door too soon and Dom leans against the wall as Billy digs into his pockets for his electronic card key. Part of Dom wishes he was an accomplished pick pocket so Billy would be forced to spend the night in his room instead. Just one more night to help Dom survive a lifetime without him. Unfortunately, the key is exactly where Billy thought it was, and now it’s time to say goodnight.

Dom is stepping forward to pull Billy close for a hug when the phone rings from inside the room.

I, yes I
Miss you
And its killing inside
I, yes I
Miss you. Want you by my side
Walking, holding hands
Talking, making plans
Touching my heart, my soul

Billy steps back before their bodies meet and flips on the light inside the door. Hurriedly tells him that it’s probably Ali. Then he tosses off a quick goodnight and a promise to see Dom in the morning. Not waiting for an answer, Billy hurries away to answer the phone, leaving Dom standing in the doorway.

Dom knows he should shut the door, but he’s not sure if he should be inside or outside when he does. Unable to move, he silently watches Billy cradle the phone between his ear and shoulder while pulling off his tie and kicking off his dress shoes.

Speaking softly into the phone, Billy’s lips curl into that lazy, secretive smile; the one Dom recognizes as his just woken up smile. Sleepy, unguarded and sexy. A lovers smile. But he’s not smiling at Dom this time. Now he’s got Ali.

I wish this could be
A happy song
But my happiness disappeared
The moment you were gone

Letting the door close with a quiet click, Dom stumbles back until he slams into the opposite wall with a hollow thud. It hurts to breathe. A strange sound fills the air and he looks around, trying to place it. Finally he realizes that the mournful sound is coming from his own lungs. Pressing the palm of his hand to the center of his chest, Dom draws in a ragged breath, silently willing the enormous weight to be lifted.

To set him free.

Tell me its not happening
Say its not as it seems
Tell me that I’m gonna wake up
Its just a bad dream

Turning, he wanders blindly down the hall, his only coherent thought to put distance between Billy and himself, lest he be discovered. Moving almost mechanically, he finds his key card and walks inside his room, letting the darkness surround him. Not knowing how, he makes it all the way over to the bed before his legs fold beneath him and he’s on his knees, face buried in the comforter, fists twisting the fabric.

Years wasted in silence burn through his chest like fire, stealing his breath. The day they met, the day he knew he was in love with the Scotsman. All the times he’d almost pushed through the fear of rejection and confessed. Nights and mornings spent in the arms of the one, and how he never knew. He wonders if she knows that he loves to curl up on his left side, except when Dom’s there. Then he likes to sleep on his right. Dom used to think that was a sign. Right.

Please tell me that its fiction
Tell me its just a lie
Whatever you choose to tell me
Please say it didn't die

He wonders if Billy ever laid awake and traced the lines of his body through the sheet like Dom did to Billy once, just once, when he couldn’t help himself. If Billy had, did Dom make the same soft sighs of contentment? Did he snuggle closer and reach for him to pull their bodies together?

Forcing himself to stand, Dom walks unsteadily over to the window. Shoving back the heavy drapes he stares out at the city, unable to see the beauty in such a lovely place. He can’t remember the joy he felt as a child, growing up here. All he sees is the darkness overtaking the light. Drowning it.

Turning around, he stumbles over to the loo and switches on the light. Immediately his eyes fall on the straight razor resting on the edge of the sink. It glitters at him, mocking him, almost daring him.

I, yes I
Miss you
And its killing inside

I, yes I
I miss you. Want you by my side

When Dom lets his eyes drop closed he can see the hot water flowing over his skin, washing away the red as he draws the blade across the inside of his wrist, over and over again. Cutting deeper and deeper. Releasing the pain and letting it flow freely.

Eyes flashing open with a violent jerk to his body, Dom backs out of the loo, having to brace himself on the wall to keep from falling to the floor. Breath coming fast and hard, he tears open the wardrobe to pull out his suitcase. He flings it onto the bed and then begins tossing his clothes on top of it, not caring in the least if they get wrinkled or ruined. Stripping off the scarf around his neck, Dom lurches back into the loo to grab his traveling shaving kit, avoiding looking at the blade. Leaving it right where it is. He tosses the kit on top of the heap and forces the suitcase closed.

Scrubbing away the lines of tears marking his cheeks, Dom jerks open the door to his hotel room and nearly throws himself, luggage and all into the hall. He can’t get away fast enough.

I, oh I
Miss you. Want you by my side
Right here by my side
Here by my side

He can’t get far enough away from Billy.

* * *

Foot bouncing restlessly, Orlando checks his watch for the hundredth time in an hour. It’s been a sleepless night and it’s not looking to get any better any time soon. He digs his mobile out of the front pocket of his jeans, checking to make sure he hasn’t missed a call or a message. Nothing. Something must have happened.

When Elijah pushes through the doors to the restaurant twenty minutes later and meets his eyes, Orlando knows the news isn’t good.

Crossing the restaurant and dropping heavily into the chair across from him, Elijah waves to the waitress and motions for a cup of coffee. In a word, Elijah looks like hell. Pale and tense, eyes red rimmed, face somber.

“Where is he?” Orlando asks gently, leaning forward so they are both hunched over the table. They’re both conscious of the glances being made their way by the other restaurant patrons. It’s inevitable that they would be recognized.

“On the plane,” Elijah replies with a heavy sigh. “I couldn’t talk him out of it, and I didn’t have my passport so I couldn’t go with him either.”

“Fuck,” Orlando curses softly.

“I tried, Orli,” Elijah whispers, his voice cracking despite his best effort to keep it steady. “I tried so hard, but I couldn’t get through to him. Fuck, I didn’t know what to say to him. Except that I’m sorry.”

“What did he say?”

“That he couldn’t stay, knowing that Billy had found someone. He couldn’t pretend anymore.” When Elijah looks up, his huge blue eyes are glistening, chin trembling ever so slightly. “His eyes, Orli. His eyes were so fucking sad. I’ve never seen him like this. Never.”

“We knew this day would come,” Orlando says softly, sliding a napkin across the table to Elijah in case he needs it. “Not that it makes it any easier.”

“I wish Sean was here. He’d know what to do,” Elijah says after clearing his throat. He blinks and then rubs at his bloodshot eyes.

“Did he sleep at all? Or you for that matter?” Orlando asks. “No offense, but you look like shite. You should pop out your lenses before they scratch you up good.”

“I’ll go in a few minutes and do it, and no, he didn’t sleep,” Elijah says, nodding his thanks to the waitress as she sets a cup of coffee down on the table and slips away quietly. “Once I got him talking he couldn’t stop. A lot of the time he wasn’t making much sense.”

“I’m sure he’s glad you were there,” Orlando soothes. “Just to listen.”

“I wish I knew why he called me. I’m no good at this shit. Sean is one who knows the right things to say.”

“I don’t think so, man. Next to Billy, he’s closest to you.” Shifting in his seat, Orlando glances at his mobile. “We should call Sean and let him know what’s going on. He can pick Dom up at the airport, make sure he’s doing okay.”

“I already did,” Elijah replies. “He said he’d take care of it. Told me to call if anything else happened.”

“Well good morning! Didn’t think I’d see you two up so early,” Billy offers brightly as he arrives at the table. Taking a closer look at Elijah, his eyes widen.

“Hey Billy,” Orlando says flatly.

“Rough night at the club?” Billy asks with a grin, all too familiar with Elijah’s partying ways. “You’re looking a little peaked there, Lij. You just getting in?”

In an uncharacteristic move, Elijah shoves himself out of the chair and to his feet. He turns slightly to meet Orlando’s eyes.

“I can’t handle both of them today,” he chokes out hoarsely, eyes filling with tears once again. “I just can’t.”

He starts to walk away, only to be stopped by Billy’s hand on his shoulder.

“Lij? Hey, I was just-”

“Billy,” Elijah interrupts coldly. “Fuck you.”

Stunned, Billy can only watch as Elijah strides from the restaurant and disappears from sight.

“What the fuck was that about?” Billy asks, turning around to focus his attention on Orlando.

“Billy, sit down.”

“No, tell me why the fuck Lij is so pissed at me.”

“People are looking,” Orlando hisses. “Sit. Down.”

Realizing he’s right, Billy sinks in the recently vacated chair.

“I’m sitting.”

“Do you remember that day out on Raneika Beach?” Orlando asks, leaning over the table so they can talk quietly. “When we all went surfing?”

“Are you kidding me?” Billy replies, eyes filled with disbelief. “Of course I do. I wiped out on my board and woke up on the sand with you lot looking down on me. I had to make you swear not to tell Peter about it.”

“Yeah, well, that was the day the rest of us found out,” Orlando says, eyes downcast.

“Found out what?”

Looking back up, Orlando holds Billy’s gaze for a long moment. “That Dom’s in love with you.”

Jaw dropping open, Billy falls back in his chair like someone has punched him in the stomach. Or shot him.

“Oh shite.”

* * *

Part 2-LA