Letter Box

[ceartas.livejournal.com]

Title: Letter Box
Author: ceartas
Pairing: BB/DM implied
Rating: PG? It’s angsty, but no cussing.
Disclaimer: If this were real, it would be called non-fiction and I could be making millions...
A/N: First sentence is part of lyrics to Across the Universe, written by McCartney/Lennon. This is written for the lotrpschallenge #29, Déjà vu.





Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box; they tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe. His mind was a strange and twisted place in the earlylate hours of the morningnight. There were creepy-crawlies in the dark corners; it was dank and murky and foul-smelling, like rotten eggs and sour milk. It whispered awful truths hidden in lies and lies hidden in truths, and then made them echo around inside his skull like a pinball game that wouldn’t end. He wanted to kick and scream and throw things across the room. He wanted to close his eyes, cover his ears and yell at the top of his lungs, “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” He wanted to crawl under the covers, pull the pillow over his head and pretend that the world didn’t exist. He wanted to cry until he couldn’t breathe because maybe then it would hurt as bad on the outside as it did on the inside. But most of all, he didn’t want to pretend anymore that everything was alright.

*******************
"Mind yer sister, now William, y’hear?"

"But Nan..."

"William."

"Yes, Ma’am."
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Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box; they tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe. His mind was a light and airy place in the normal daylight hours. He would gaze silently out the window; entranced with the living picture of maple leaves fluttering in a soft breeze. The sunlight would be fading from redorangeyellow to pinkivorypurple on the horizon and meld the clouds like watercolour. He wanted to reach out and touch it, to let his fingers dance over the glassy surface. He wanted to grab hold of it and pull a handful back inside, to bottle it and keep it on the mantle above the fireplace. He wanted to surround himself with the tastesoundsmellfeel of the wind carrying him far above the earth’s brownish gold surface. He wanted to make the peace in his heart stay until the darkness kidnapped the light and held it for a ransom that he didn’t think he’d ever be able to pay. But most of all, he wanted everything to always be alright.

*************************
"What’re makin’, Ma?"

"Yer favourite."

"Clootie Dumplin’s!"

"Of course, my William..."
**************************


Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box; they tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe. His mind was a cluttered mess, at any given time during the day or night. It was empty nothingness and over-filled everything, white noise and black calm. But worst of all, it was filled with things that didn’t seem to fit. Like a jig-saw puzzle that’s missing some of its pieces, but has a few from another one and you’re not really sure which goes where. He wanted to close his eyes and let himself drown in the darkness, falling until there was no possible way out. He wanted to give in to the light and let it fill up his mind the way it would fill up his heart, floating until everything went out of focus. He wanted to shut himself away from everyone, so that they couldn’t see his tears, his pain…couldn’t see him slowly falling apart. But most of all, he wanted to be able to ask someone for help.

****************************
"Billy?"

"Dom."

"Are you ok?"

"Yes...no...yes. I’m fine."

"You don’t look like you’re fine."

"How do I look, Dom?"

"Like you’re on the edge of something very sharp, trying to maintain your balance but you secretly want to jump anyway."

"..."

"So I’ll ask you again. Are you ok?"

"I don’t know."

"I can’t help you, Bill, if you won’t try to help yourself."
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