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[stinarockchick.livejournal.com]

Title: Forever Changed
Author: Well that would be me... (stinarockchick )
Pairing: Dom and Billeh
Rating: *shrugs* At the minute I guess it's pretty much safe at a PG...
Summary: It's emotional... and angsty. From Doms point of view. Kinda observant and... so dam angsty!
Feedback: Would be grrreat!

 

-----
Everywhere you go it’s just a different place
You’ve got the same dark feelings, see the same sad faces
And no one really knows why this is happening
We come into this world, and we are all the same
And in that moment there’s no-one to blame
But the world is black, and hearts are cold
And there’s no hope, that’s what we’re told
And we can’t go back, it won’t be the same
Forever changed
-----

Rain is a weird thing right?

Even just the word itself. Rain. Rain. Rain? Odd.

It’s amazing how it can affect moods. You can go from being so happy one sunny day, to being incredibly depressed, sitting in a cafe watching the world outside through a rain hit window the next. The raindrops falling down the window pane. It’s sorta like the raindrops are showing the tears what everyone is dying to shed.. you know?

And as I sit here, it’s not just me who I feel is depressed. I look around me. An old man sat in the corner stirring his tea, glancing out of the window and sighing. He’s there, but it’s as if his mind is in a different place. The young woman holding her baby sat by the counter. You can tell she’s been crying by the puffiness of her eyes. Look down to see the baby pushchair with the 5 carrier bags attached. The middle aged man sat by the window. An executive suit and a briefcase sat on the table in front of him, next to the latte he’s been drinking for the past ten minutes. He’s pretending to read the newspaper but you can tell he’s not taking any of it in. The untucked shirt, ruffled hair and screwed up betting slip tells his story.

And as I’m looking out of the window, I watch the people walk by. Sad faces, desperate looks. And as the bus goes by, I see every face and I see the same story. Sadness.

An old man wanders by. The torn clothes and unshaven appearance unnerves me slightly. As his eyes meet mine I see the desperation in his face as he looks inside. The warmth so appealing, and yet as he rummages around in his pocket he realises there’s no point and carries on walking.

I sit and think about how easy I can read these people. I don’t know any of them, and yet I can read them so well. I start to think, can they read me too?

I drink the remaining bits of my smoothie and I put on my coat.

I smile as I pay and can’t help but notice the beautiful waitress who takes my money. She smiles back, only it’s not genuine. As she hands me my change and I see the cuts on her arms, it falls into place. Faking a smile back, I take the change and walk out of the door and into the rain.

By the time I reach the apartment I’m soaked. The latest designer jacket is ruined and once more I feel like an idiot for putting fashion before practical use.

I put the key into the door and I walk in. The post by the door and the answering machine flashing, I make my way through to the living area.

Throwing my jacket to the side I quickly glance at the photo in the frame. Dam. I meant to get rid of that.

I turn it over so I can’t look at it and I make my way over to the computer. Turning it on I look around me. The empty takeaway boxes, the beer bottles. Such a mess. And yet I simply sigh and look at the PC monitor in front of me. No attempt to grab a bag and clear up. No attempt to start fixing things.

I log onto the internet and open my mailbox.

You didn’t email me. Why won’t you mail me? Just to let me know you’re ok. Just to let me know that things are alright, that we are going to be fine.

I sigh as I turn it off once more and I make my way through to the kitchen.

Turning on the kettle I wrinkle my nose at the coffee cup. I never drank coffee until now. It somehow seems if I drink your drink, if I do the things you do - you’ll come back. And you’ll apologize. You’ll walk through the door and you’ll smile. I’ll be taken in again and you’ll warm my heart and make me feel all fuzzy. Then you’ll walk up and you’ll say "Dom, I love you, I’m sorry"

Suddenly I don’t fancy coffee anymore. I turn the kettle off and head into the hallway, my bedroom getting closer. I walk through the door and over to the stereo. Each CD reminds me of you. I hate how you do it, how every little thing reminds me of you.

Deciding to listen to the radio, I turn it on and turn it up. Laying on my back starring at the ceiling I wonder when it will end.

When will this end?

*****

I awake to the sound of knocking on the door. Groaning as I sit up, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Unshaven, messed up. The only way I can describe the person I see looking back at me.

"Ok I’m coming" I mutter as I shuffle along the hallway towards the door. I know they can’t hear me but what would a morning be without a moan?

I open the door and see Elijah standing there.

He looks taken aback when he sees me "Dom... look at you..."

"Save the shitty emotional talk for later" I say as I leave the door open, allowing him to make his own way inside.

Returning to the coffee cup from the night before, I flick the kettle on once more.

Elijah does nothing but watch me. Makes me slightly nervous.

"Want one?" I ask him.

He shakes his head.

Why does he do that? He looks at me in pity. He feels sorry for me, written all over his face.

"I’m not some museum piece you know"

He looks taken aback, like he expects me not to talk.

"What?"

"I’m not some museum piece" I say again, slower and louder "So stop gawping"

He looks uncomfortable "sorry, I just hate seeing you this way"

"What way?"

"Depressed"

I manage to stifle a sarcastic laugh "Depressed. Yeah. That’s what I am, depressed"

"You are! Look at you!" he stands in front of me pointing out the mess that I am "I want to help you but.. I don’t know how"

I stand there for a minute, thinking of what to say next. Realising I have no comeback, I turn my attention back to the coffee cup.

"Billy has been asking about you"

I stop stirring the coffee and turn to face him.

"He has?"

A smile breaks over Elijahs face for the first time since he stepped inside.

"You’re both so stupid, I swear to god..."

"What did he say?"

"Just asked how you were... that’s all"

"And what did you say?"

I realise I’m talking quickly "sorry..."

He smiles again "It’s ok. I just said you were fine. You know, didn’t want to worry him..."

"Oh"

I feel a bit disappointed. The thought of Billy knowing the truth actually pleases me.

"But you know, he’s not ok either"

I look at him, a look of disbelief on my face.

"Whatever" I sniffle as I forget what I was doing before the mention of Billy. I stand there hesitating, not really knowing what to do next.

"You were about to drink your coffee" Elijah smiles. He knows the very mention of Billy sends my brain all over the place.

I look down at the coffee and then back at Elijah. For the first time in weeks I actually manage a smile.

"Look Dom... I’m having this party tomorrow night... he’ll be there"

I don’t reply. Is that an invite? If I jump to conclusions and say "Hey I’ll be round at 7" then I’ll look too keen. If I ignore what he says then I won’t have to face people. But then I’ll miss Billy.

"I’d love you to be there" he says finally.

"Time? Place?"

He smiles. Looks sorta relieved.

"Half 7, my place"

"Ok"

"Cool! Right, I’d better go" he says as he walks down the hallway. I don’t really want to see him out but I remember what my Mum would do if she knew I wasn’t using my manners.

"See you tomorrow then" he smiles.

"Yeah. Tomorrow. Half 7, your place"

He simply smiles and says the two words that most people seem to like saying this days "Take care"

I shut the door as he walks out onto the street and I lay my head against the door.

Facing Billy. Tomorrow night. Fuck.

Suddenly the familiar feeling of butterflies in my stomach returns. Just the flutters but still - it’s all too familiar, as is the feeling in the back of my throat and the bitter taste in my mouth as I find myself running to the bathroom.

*****