If I Die (part 20c) - THE END

[dani-grl4.livejournal.com]

Title: If I Die (20c/20c)
Author: dani_grl4
Pairing: Dom/Billy
Rating: NC-17. (As an aside, major props to anyone who can write smut. I could type out 10 pages of angst with my frickin’ toes in the time it takes me to write one line of sexual situation. Seriously, major props.)
Disclaimer: So glad this isn't true.
Feedback: Is very appreciated. Okay I'm a h0r! for it. Smooches to all those who have given such lovely feedback so far.
Warning: Angst. Nakedness and general naughtiness.
Summary: Not the end, but the beginning. For Dom and Billy that is. The end of this story.
A/N: Much thanks, love, hugs, chocolate, props, confetti and general worshipness to my friend and beta, canciona. She beta’d every single one of these chapters with lovely patience and encouragement. Huge hugs and love to all the people (way too many to list here) who have been so kind and left such thoughtful comments on this story. This was my first RPS fic and I have met so many great people because of it (extra special love to Ree, Kim, Ari, Erin and many others). I absolutely loved writing this story and the fact that so many people enjoyed reading it makes all the writer's block and frustration at times totally worth it. So really, to sum up, thanks very much and I hope you enjoy the ending :)

Prologue, Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9a / Part 9b / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15 / Part 16 / Part 17 / Part 18 / Part 19 / Part 20a / Part 20b



Chapter 20c

It’s been at least fifteen minutes since I left him, Billy calculates silently. Fifteen long minutes. He lets the hot water relax his tense shoulders, wondering how Dom is taking this all in. He feels such a bastard for leaving him alone.

He needs you, Billy thinks. You shouldn’t have made him read it by himself.

He sighs wearily, barely bothering to dry off before fastening a towel around his waist and heading down the hallway. He listens for any sign of motion (or emotion) from the bedroom. But Billy hears nothing except silence, which worries him more. He’d hoped Dom would have come to him, if he really needed him.

Billy stops at the bedroom door and rests his head quietly against the frame, surprised to see Dom still reading. He watches as Dom leans against the headboard, the letter in one hand, the other laid protectively, though unconsciously, on Billy’s side of the bed. Surely by now he must have read the letter several times over, yet Billy remains silent as Dom turns the paper and continues to read with such concentration.

He looks up slowly from the page and notices Billy watching him from the doorway. “So, this is – I mean, this is what I would have been given if you had…died,” Dom says softly. Billy doesn’t think he’s ever heard Dom say the actual words before.

“Probably,” Billy responds hesitantly. Dom’s face doesn’t betray any reaction to what he’s just read. Likely for my benefit, Billy thinks.

“It’s…” Dom begins.

As Billy watches his best mate, his heart, search for words, cradling the letter in his hand, it occurs to him all of the things he should have written. All the things he feels now, watching Dom, which could never have been translated into a brief note. Billy interrupts, words tumbling out in a rush, before Dom has a chance to say anything more. “It isn’t close to everything I would have wanted to say to you, Dom, but I only had a few minutes. There were a million things I wanted to write and I could have written forever if there was time, but there just wasn’t because we didn’t want to get caught and I know you could have written something more moving in those few sentences, but my mind was all over and then I thought what if-”

“Billy, Billy,” Dom stops Billy’s hasty explanations. He puts the letter down on the nightstand and walks over to the doorway, reaching out to brush the dripping wet hair from Billy’s eyes. “I was just going to say that it’s beautiful.”

“Oh.” He hadn’t expected that. “Really?” Billy takes a moment to note the hint of redness in Dom’s eyes, so close to his own now.

“Yeah, really,” Dom assures him. “I can’t even begin to imagine what you must have been feeling when you wrote it, and fuck if it wasn’t the hardest thing I’ve had to face in my entire life. But it’s also just…it’s so touching. Really. Even though you were going through inconceivable amounts of misery and pain, you still managed to think of your friends, your family. And me. You made sure we would all know how much you loved us. And that’s a really precious thing, Billy.”

“And…you’re okay?” Billy asks.

“I will be,” Dom says, without doubt. He sighs, sensing Billy’s scepticism. “Don’t ever feel like you can’t share something with me, no matter how painful. I’ll never hurt myself like I did before. I’d not worry you that way because it wouldn’t be fair. I promise.”

Billy nods slowly, knowing that Dom will keep his promise.

“Billy? Was that…blood?” He can’t quite meet Billy’s eyes when he asks.

“Yes. It is.” My blood, he doesn’t add. Billy holds up one of his wrists to show Dom the scar there. “I fought against my restraints the day I wrote it; the hardest I fought in the two months I was there. I struggled until I bled, and then struggled even harder. I had to at least try because if knew if I didn’t…well it was near the end,” Billy trails off, softly. “And I had to see you again.”

Dom blinks several times. “Okay, Billy. It’ll be okay,” he says, trying to process and accept the graphic image Billy’s just given him. He lifts Billy’s slender wrist to his lips and closes his eyes as he kisses the fading scar there.

Billy tilts his head slightly and watches as Dom’s lips meet his scarred skin. He feels a sense of trust and love so overwhelming it nearly makes him dizzy. He feels it in the way Dom is so gentle and so understanding with him; in the way he knows Dom fought to suppress those intense feelings of sadness and guilt once more when he’d read the letter. He’s tried so hard for Billy, and has gathered so much strength in the past few months. Billy is absolutely positive he could not have survived to now without him.

He reaches up impulsively to kiss Dom, tenderly at first, the kiss growing more insistent at Billy’s urging. Dom tries to pull away after a while, having gotten used to a kiss just being a kiss, not leading to anything more. But Billy won’t have it. Not this time. Instead, he grabs a hold of the back of Dom’s neck and continues exploring Dom’s mouth as though he hasn’t kissed him a thousand times before.

“Billy, stop,” Dom manages to back away and speak before Billy can pull him in again. “I don’t want to – not like last time. Not if you’re not ready,” Dom says breathlessly.

“Do you trust me?” Billy leans back against the doorway for support, but doesn’t take his hands off Dom.

“An unbelievable amount. Always, Billy. But I can’t -”

“Then don’t.” He stops Dom’s protests with another kiss that’s gentle, but no less passionate. “Let me,” Billy says as he releases Dom’s tongue, one hand still grasping Dom firmly around his neck, the other running teasingly down his bare chest. He continues exploring Dom’s body, only lower now.

“Ah…mmm. Wait, what?” Dom asks, still breathless from the kiss, and from Billy’s fingers that are lightly skimming his growing erection through his boxers.

“Let me touch you,” Billy clarifies. And if the words aren’t enough, he leads Dom to the bed and pushes him down gently, but with a clear purpose that leaves no uncertainty as to what exactly it is Billy wants. “I need you, Dom and I want you – all of you. I’ve waited, and made sure we’re both ready, for long enough. I wouldn’t do this otherwise. So now, I’m going to touch and kiss and admire every last inch of you.” Billy smiles down at Dom - tender, reassuring, and damn commanding all at once. Dom wonders briefly how Billy does that.

Since Dom couldn’t say no to that voice if he tried with all the will in the world, he watches as Billy slides his boxers off slowly, slightly embarrassed at how aroused he is when Billy hasn’t even properly touched him yet. Oh, but the way Billy promised to touch every inch of him. And Billy always keeps his promises…

And Billy doesn’t appear at all bothered by how keen Dom is. If anything, he’s unable to take his eyes away from Dom’s body. “Look at you. You’re so gorgeous,” Billy whispers, to himself really, but Dom smiles at Billy’s admiration. Releasing the towel from his hips, Billy leans down onto Dom, not completely covering him, but enough that they both shiver with the sudden warmth of flesh against flesh. It’s been so long since they’ve been naked together and both been able to enjoy it that the sensation feels almost completely new, and yet comfortably familiar.

In keeping with his promise, Billy begins by licking and sucking on the sensitive spot right below Dom’s ear, which he knows drives Dom insane, evidenced by the whimpering coming from the man beneath him. He continues down to Dom’s neck, taking his sweet time. Billy was indeed serious when he said he wanted to kiss every inch of Dom, and Dom can’t wait to return the favour. He smiles at the thought, looking down in time to see Billy teasing his nipples to stiffness with his tongue and those skilled fingers. Billy flicks his tongue against the newly hardened flesh and smiles inwardly when Dom moans in appreciation. Yet another spot on Dom’s body that’s just as sensitive as he remembers. Even though their touches are filled with a new excitement, it’s a relief to Billy that he hasn’t forgotten exactly how, and where, to touch Dom.

Billy’s teasing, exploratory kisses continue as he relishes the feel of Dom’s stomach muscles contracting under his lips. As much as Dom would like to make this last forever, it’s just been too long, and he can already feel himself grow impossibly hard and wet as Billy’s warm breath passes so very close to his cock. But it doesn’t matter; not only do they have all day to do this, they have the rest of their lives.

“Billy,” Dom moans. “Billy, just touch me, please.”

Dom spreads his legs wider to allow Billy access to the sensitive skin on his inner thigh, which Billy has always loved to bite ever-so-gently. Dom’s hips rise slightly, begging for friction of their own accord, too excited at the closeness of Billy’s mouth and too impatient at the distance. Billy recognises that Dom’s need is too great for much more teasing, and as much as he’s enjoying rediscovering his lover’s body, he doesn’t want to be cruel. He places one last kiss inside Dom’s thigh, which is now quivering, before licking his lips and wrapping his mouth around the leaking tip of Dom’s cock. He looks up to see Dom’s eyes shut tight, sucking in air through clenched teeth, as Billy inches his way down, running his tongue along the pulsating vein there. He knows Dom would normally watch Billy’s mouth work around his cock with excitement, the hollowing of cheeks, the glistening trail of saliva, but for one reason – he’s close to coming, and is trying with some desperation not to.

“Billy, no, no…not yet. You’re going to make me…,” Dom clamps his teeth over his bottom lip and he lets out a loud groan as Billy presses his mouth tightly around Dom’s erection, sucking his way back up the length one more time before releasing him.

Billy supports his own weight, hovering above Dom, careful not to touch any part of him because he’s on the absolute edge of coming undone. Dom stares at the ceiling, eyes wide, and panting. Billy smiles at the lovely image before him and eventually, when Dom catches his breath, he looks at Billy and smiles too.

“God, that felt so good,” Dom says when he’s relaxed a bit. He pulls Billy down to him, feeling Billy’s hardened cock against his own, which is almost enough to drive him to the brink again.

A few weeks ago, the touch of Dom’s hand made Billy numb with painful memories. He finds that no longer true now as Dom’s hands slide down his chest to stroke him, Billy’s cock jerking at the touch from being neglected for far too long. Dom’s hands reach behind to grab hold of Billy’s arse, pulling them closer. They rock their hips together rhythmically, eyes locked all the while, reflecting excitement, mixed with gratitude and love.

Billy caresses Dom’s cheek and turns his face slightly, leaning down to whisper in his ear so that Dom catches every word. “I have missed this feeling of your beautiful body beneath mine, Dommie. I’ve missed hearing every moan and whimper that you make when I touch you just there.” Billy reaches between their bodies to swipe his thumb across the tip of Dom’s leaking cock, and sure enough, Dom cries out. “I need you so badly, Dom. Want to be inside you.”

Dom has wanted to hear those words for so long, and his body is nearly screaming at him that yes, yes he wants that too. But he has to be sure Billy isn’t doing this just for him, or because he wants to prove that he can. “Wait, Billy, wait. I love you with all my heart, you know that. You are everything in this world to me. But I have to know that this is okay. Because I want this so much right now, but not if it’s going to hurt you. Never if it means hurting you.”

Billy swallows and nods at the man beneath him, momentarily unable to speak. If he had any lingering doubts about doing this, which he hadn’t, they would be forgotten now. He couldn’t feel safer or more loved than he does right now, in this moment.

“I’m more than sure.” Billy sits up slightly and straddles Dom’s thighs. The sun, bright in their bedroom now, allows Billy to fully appreciate his lover’s perfect, familiar body. He’s beyond pleased that looking at Dom now, he simply doesn’t see anyone else.

“I adore you, do you know that? Always have done.” Billy’s throat constricts around his words. “You’ve been so patient and caring these past few months.” Dom tries to interrupt, but Billy stops him by placing one finger over his flushed red lips. “I love you for it, and for understanding it was what I needed then. But trust me now when I tell you that this is what I need.”

Billy leans over to the nightstand, only just now wondering if they even have any lubricant. He doesn’t think they can get away without it. Not when – doing some quick calculations – they haven’t done this in about six months.

Finding what he’s looking for, thankfully, Billy wets his fingers as Dom soothingly runs his hands along his thighs. He smiles down at Dom, a smile of reassurance that he’s ready for this, and Dom’s eyes mirror the sentiment – all desire and love. It really has been too long since they’ve been together like this, and Billy wishes sadly that they hadn’t lost so much time together these past few months.

As gently as he can, Billy’s fingers enter and begin to stretch the tight opening. Dom writhes impatiently beneath him, urging Billy’s fingers deeper inside.

“Dom, I don’t want to hurt you. Let me do this, love.”

“You won’t Billy, Billy please, ” Dom begs as he digs his fingers into Billy’s arms.

Hearing Dom call out his name, begging and pleading, makes Billy actually ache. As much as he wants the tightness and heat of Dom’s body around his cock to last, he knows it’s unlikely he will be able to hold back his release. He removes his fingers quickly, careful to coat himself liberally, before leaning down to take Dom’s mouth, kissing him softly and passionately, knowing how much they both need this; how long they’ve both waited for this, and just how good it’s going to be. Pushing forward slowly, Billy sinks into Dom, taking pleasure in the way Dom’s whimpers stretch out into moans and finally into full-voiced cries when he thrusts deep and hard, unable to hold back. But those aren’t cries of pain, definitely not pain. Dom is enjoying this, and when Billy angles his hips slightly, Dom sucks in his breath.

“You like that, Dommie? You feel so…amazing like this.”

“Billy,” Dom whispers. “Make me come.”

Dom’s fingers tangle helplessly into Billy’s hair as he wraps his hand around Dom needy cock. It only takes a few strokes before Dom comes, hot and breathless over Billy’s hand. Most of the words falling from his lips make no sense. All except Billy’s name.

“Billy, Billy,” Dom repeats like a mantra into Billy’s neck, trying to catch his breath. Billy’s pace increases as Dom’s muscles contract around him, feeling all sensation in his body rushing to his cock, desperate for release.

Dom’s hand finds its way to into Billy’s, lacing their fingers together and grasping tightly as Billy comes. “Love you so much, Dom,” Billy moans, shaking at the force of his orgasm and the sheer euphoria of this very moment.

When the last of his tremors finally subside, Billy notices that Dom is shaking beneath him, different from the kind of shaking that follows an intense orgasm. Alarmed, he lifts his head to look at Dom. “What’s wrong?”

“No, nothing.”

Billy hears the unevenness in Dom’s voice before he sees the tears. “Dommie, what?”

“I – Billy, promise I’ll not lose you again. Promise me.”

He understands now that he wasn’t alone in his fear of intimacy. Apparently Dom’s been terrified as well, but for different reasons. For Dom, giving this last piece of his heart and soul to Billy once more means making himself vulnerable to the possibility of losing him again. But he needs to trust that every time Billy is out of his sight does not mean he isn’t coming back, because he will. He always will.

“Look at me.” Billy raises Dom’s chin to force the eye contact Dom is having trouble managing on his own. “You. Are not. Going. To. Lose. Me. Ever. I vow to be by your side for as long as you’ll have me. And probably well beyond that, even,” Billy adds, smiling slightly. He hopes that Dom trusts him enough to know that it’s highly unlikely anything like this could happen again. And if Dom needs to hear that it definitely will not happen, then Billy will give that to him.

When he finally nods his acceptance of Billy’s words, Billy rests his forehead against Dom’s and whispers, “No more crying, Dommie.”

As though he’s been waiting for the cathartic effects of Billy’s promise, Dom finally relaxes, holding Billy’s face in his hands. “No, Bills. No more crying,” he says, claiming Billy’s mouth in a soft kiss.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When Dom opens his eyes again, the sun is just starting to fade. He’s just spent an entire day in bed, with Billy. He smiles insanely wide at the memory of their lovemaking, wider than he’d have thought humanly possible.”

The phone on Billy’s nightstand rings loudly, bringing Dom out of his daydream. He reaches over Billy, who is still asleep, and grabs the phone before it wakes him.

“Hello?” Dom asks, quietly.

Billy stirs briefly but doesn’t open his eyes. He listens to Dom’s end of the conversation, trying to work out if the call is important enough to interrupt the plan he’d formed whilst asleep to have a nice, leisurely - and possibly naughty - shower with Dom.

“Calm down …I’m really sorry, mate,” Dom whispers. Billy has no idea who is on the phone, and Dom is trying very hard to be quiet.

Dom is clearly listening to the person on the other end for a long while before he speaks again. “Well good…Really, now?…Uh, do the words ‘bleeding obvious’ mean anything to you?…Okay, okay, but can we talk about this later?…Yes, of course, you wanker,” Dom says. Possibly not an official person on the phone if Dom is referring to him as ‘wanker’. Then again with Dom, one can’t be too sure.

“Fine, fine. We’ll be expecting you, then.” Dammit. Who the hell is coming to visit now? Billy thinks, disappointed that his plans for a long, hot, and most importantly, accompanied shower may have to be put on hold.

Dom is quiet for a few more minutes, and then: “Okay, cheers, mate. Bye.”

“Dom?” Billy asks when he hears Dom end the call.

“Sorry about that, Bills.” Dom reaches over Billy to put the phone back. He snuggles down, resting his head against Billy’s chest and sighs happily.

When Dom doesn’t say anything, Billy asks, “Is everything okay? Who was that?”

“Ah, that was one young Mr. Elijah Wood,” Dom says. Billy can hear the smile creeping into Dom’s voice.

“Oh, aye?” Billy raises an eyebrow, suddenly very keen to see how Dom’s little prank plays out.

“He’ll be coming over in a few days to kick my arse. Something about not telling him I was sending him on a gay cruise and all.”

For a wonder, Billy manages not to say I told you so.

Several silent seconds pass before Dom says in his best casual tone, “Oh, and he wants us to meet James.”

Billy takes a second to realise what that means. Once it hits him, he laughs long and hard, feeling Dom vibrating with laughter as well. They both manage to catch their breaths eventually and lay in comfortable silence together for long minutes. Eventually, Dom lifts his head from Billy’s warm chest, delighted to see Billy looking absolutely peaceful. And perfect.

“Happy?” he asks, lightly tracing Billy’s lower lip with one finger.

“Immensely,” Billy says with sincerity, pulling Dom in closer.

End