If I Die (part 20b)

[dani-grl4.livejournal.com]

Title: If I Die (20b/20c)
Author: dani_grl4
Pairing: Dom/Billy
Rating: R
Disclaimer: So glad this isn't true.
Feedback: Is very appreciated. Okay I'm a h0r! for it. Smooches to all those who have given such lovely feedback so far.
Warning: Angst. And I lied (not on purpose, I didn't know). OFC death.
Summary: The letter part 2.
A/N: I know, I know. I said 20b would be it. But graphics take up a lot of room, did you know that? Of course you did. I, sadly, did not. So, the final chapter is 20c which will be along in due course. Much love to canciona for her terrific beta job on this and all the other chapters. Oh and for listening to me whinge about how I can't finish this damn story. Huge, major, props to hansbekhart for doing the graphics. Adorn her with flowers and chocolate, for she rules.

Prologue, Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9a / Part 9b / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15 / Part 16 / Part 17 / Part 18 / Part 19 / Part 20a



Chapter 20b

At five a.m., when he still hasn’t fallen asleep, Billy quietly leaves the bedroom so as not to wake Dom. He wanders downstairs to the living room, back to the letter that had gone untouched, and unmentioned, all evening. Billy just couldn’t bring himself to spoil Dom’s playful mood. They’d ended up laughing and talking all evening about nothing of great importance. Billy cherishes these nights more intensely now than he ever has.

He takes the letter from the table and unfolds the crumpled, worn paper before settling down to read it. He knew he would come back to it – eventually. Billy opens the letter and takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly, before he begins:



Billy blinks slowly and takes another deep breath before turning the paper over to read the end. Only, he knows exactly how it ends. That doesn’t stop the tears from hitting the paper now, as he continues:



He cries silently, though not because he feels sorry for himself. No, but Billy read the letter imagining what Dom would have felt reading it, had things turned out differently. And with the thought of what it would be like if he’d had to read a farewell letter like this from Dom. Billy’s certain it would be better not to have a letter at all, than to have to read something like this.

The blood stains on the paper though – those bring back chills, as he absently rubs his right wrist. The scars from his bindings are not as visible now, but Billy so very clearly recalls the bloodied, raw feeling he’d had after he tried in vain to free himself. In a desperate attempt to save himself once he was certain he would be killed.

He suspects the blood on the paper is his own; frantic smudges from his hand as he wrote furiously in the short amount of time that was given to him. Detective McNamara had chosen not to mention whether the blood was identified as Billy’s. Billy knows they had to have analysed it, and that it most likely belongs to him.

Billy remembers the feelings of gratitude and freedom just from having one hand untied for those few minutes as he wrote the letter. He’d struggled so hard against the straps on his wrists that day. Had struggled until he bled. As he remembers, fresh tear stains mix in with what are probably old ones. It’s a wonder the letter is even legible at all now.

“Billy?” Dom’s tender, sleepy voice says from the doorway of the living room.

Billy folds the letter in his hand and wipes his eyes quickly. “Sorry, Dommie. Did I wake you?”

Dom walks over to where Billy is sat and kneels in front of him, inspecting Billy’s eyes with squinty, sleep-filled ones of his own.

“You’ve been crying,” he says. Dom gently wipes Billy’s damp face. “Another nightmare?” Dom asks.

He stands, without waiting for an answer, and leans down to kiss the top of Billy’s head before reaching out his hand. “Let’s go to bed. You should wake me, Billy. Don’t be alone,” Dom’s voice is still gentle, still filled with sleep as he guides Billy up the stairs, one hand positioned protectively around his waist.

Sadly, it wouldn’t occur to Dom that something else might be keeping Billy awake. He’s grown so used to Billy’s nightmares and having to guide him back to bed from random locations throughout the house.

He settles Billy under the duvet before getting in on the other side, wrapping his arms around Billy from behind. “Shh…s’okay, Billy. I’m here. Go back to sleep now,” Dom whispers soothingly into Billy’s ear as he starts to drift off.

Billy, however, is still wide-awake; still clutching the letter tightly in his hand. “Dom, I have to tell you something. It’s – it’s terrible news, I’m afraid,” Billy manages. He notices the sun just starting to peek in through the curtains, and wishes he didn’t have to start a new day this way.

Dom sits up immediately, his voice containing no traces of sleepiness now. “What, Billy? What is it?” Dom’s eyebrows gather together in concern as he turns Billy on his back so he can see his face.

“Detective McNamara was here last night, before you came home. April passed away yesterday.”

Dom closes his eyes momentarily, and re-opens them to look into Billy’s. “Wow. God, Billy, that’s…that’s awful. Come here.” Dom shakes his head and lies back down, gathering Billy in a hug.

“I know how grateful to her you were, as I was, for helping me ring you the day I was found. Are you okay, Dom?” Billy pulls away gently, examining Dom’s face.

“I guess, yeah. It’s just a shock.” Fuck, that could have been you that died, Billy, Dom thinks. “Are you all right?”

Billy nods. “Aye, I suppose. But it is a shock.”

As sad as he is for April, Dom can’t help but think about how lucky he is that it wasn’t Billy. “Yeah, it is,” Dom says. “That’s so sad, Bills.”

“Dommie…that isn’t all.”

Dom bites his bottom lip and asks, “What else is there?”

“First, know that I am so sorry to have kept this from you. I didn’t tell you before because I didn’t want you to have to listen to more excruciating details of my kidnapping. Well, not any more than you already were,” Billy adds. He takes a deep breath and steadies himself. “A couple of days before my rescue, April came to me. She knew Jay and Tony were getting desperate and were likely to…get rid of me very soon. She never said it, but I could tell in the way she was so anxious, and the number of times she came to talk to me in the end. She suggested I write you a letter, and promised she’d give it to you in the event of my death. I only had maybe a few minutes to write it before she took it away.”

Billy pauses and gives Dom a moment. When Dom continues to look at Billy expectantly, his face only inches away, he continues.

“The letter mainly says how much I love you, of course, and, well…good-bye, really. The police found it with April’s things, and Detective McNamara thought I should have it back.” Billy leans back, searching Dom’s face for his reaction.

Dom notices the paper clutched in Billy’s hand now and stares at it for a long time before he says anything. Billy can see the struggle going on in Dom’s mind, without him having to say a word.

“Can I read it?”

And there it was. Billy knew Dom would want to see it, he knew very well that were the situation reversed, he couldn’t help but want to see it as well. That doesn’t stop him from trying to protect Dom now. “Oh, Dommie, I don’t think that’s a good idea...”

“Why not? You wrote it for me to read.”

“Yes, I did write it for you, my love, but I wrote it thinking I would never see you again. It’ll be painful for you to read now. Trust me on this,” Billy adds gently, lacing his fingers between Dom’s.

“Please, Billy.”

Billy sighs at Dom’s persistence. “Do you have any idea what I was going through, emotionally, when I wrote this letter to you?”

“No, love. I don’t,” Dom admits. He brushes his thumb across Billy’s cheek with his free hand before kissing his forehead. “But I want to.”

Billy remembers the blood stains on the paper. “Don’t torture yourself like this, Dom,” he whispers, one last plea to just let the letter lie, and all the while knowing his attempts are in vain.

“I need to see it, Billy. I can’t really explain why. I just – I just want to know everything, because how can I really be here for you the way you need unless I know? But this won’t change anything, I promise.” Dom can see concern in Billy’s worried expression for Dom and his tendencies towards devastating depression these past few months. Especially when faced with something from Billy’s kidnapping that is so tangible – something Dom can actually touch.

Billy relents, knowing he has no choice. “Alright, Dom. I won’t stop you. But I can’t lay here and watch you read it either.” Billy visibly trembles at the thought of watching Dom hold this piece of paper with his blood and tears and solemn words. He does not want the image of Dom reading this letter; the image of what Dom might have looked like if Billy had died and that was all that was left of him. “I’ll be in the shower though, Dommie, if you need me.” Billy hands Dom the letter and runs his hand lightly across Dom’s cheek before leaving the room.