365 Days to Forget

[smlark.livejournal.com]

Title: 365 Days to Forget (Part 5/6)
Author: smlark
Pairing: Monaboyd
Rating: PG-13 (Language)
Summary: Billy's birthday (sorry I missed it by a few days)
Feedback: Appreciated as always.
Disclaimer: All totally made up...I do that when I'm bored.

Author’s Notes:  Thanks again to hobbitgwen  for her speedy beta skills and kind comments...*your suggestions helped immensely!*

Previous parts can be found here:

(1/6)-(2/6)-(3/6)-(4/6)

 

365 Days to Forget

(Part 5/6)

DAY 1

They say the first day of anything is the hardest…the first day you try to quit smoking, drinking, etc. and it gets easier from then on. Well, I'm here to say they're wrong. It's impossible for me to forget, not today anyway. Not so soon after. Maybe tomorrow, just one more day…yeah, just one more day.

DAY 2

I had a dream last night, or was it real? It felt real. I could feel you, touching me, kissing me, allowing me to do the same to you, but I woke breathless, spent and alone…no, today isn't the day to start, tomorrow will be fine.

DAY 3

I changed the sheets on your bed. They still smelled of you. I sat there holding them to me just inhaling your scent and wishing you were still here. But I made a promise to you that I'll move on and I will, soon…just not today.

DAY 4

You still enter my dreams at night but I've managed to get through half the day without you invading my thoughts. That is until I saw a little boy in the store. He was about three and his mum was pushing him in a cart. As I passed, the boy smiled at me and said, "Hi." He had the most beautiful green eyes, they were so like yours I couldn't stop staring…well, there's always tomorrow.

DAY 5

Fran called, said we had to go back in a few weeks for pickups for the December release. I asked if you'd be there, she said she didn't think so, not at the same time as me anyway…good, now I've got Fran to unknowingly help with my plan to forget…the more people that can help with this the better.

DAY 6

Elijah called. Wanted to know when I'll be going for pickups. Seems we'll be there for a day or two together. Another person to unsuspectingly help in my plan. With Elijah comes alcohol, late nights, and debauchery…just what one needs when one is trying to forget.

DAY 7

I picked up the phone to call you today. I dialed your number but hung up before it rang. I wasn't sure what to say. Just shooting the breeze didn't seem quite right, not yet. Instead I called Viggo. I knew all I had to do was ask him what was new and his relentless rambling would make me forget...at least until the call ended.

 

Billy skipped ahead a few pages. There was a room full of people out there, all for him, and while he didn't exactly care about them at the moment, he knew he'd have to go back in there eventually.

 

DAY 25

I finally got up the nerve to call you today. You were busy at rehearsal but we talked for a few minutes. I'm so glad we did…I've missed you, even just to talk. I think I reached a turning point after that call. We seemed back to normal, though for me, maybe not quite. There are so many things left unsaid…but I'm getting there, I think.

 

He flipped a few more pages and continued.

 

DAY 94

Arrived in New Zealand for the premier tomorrow. Spent the morning getting ready for the endless line of press we'll be speaking with. I practiced looking bored, indifferent - as if I could ever be when I'm around you. I know they'll have us seated together, for what's Merry without Pippin? I can't let them see, I can't let you see…I don't want to let you down.

DAY 95

God, what a long day. What made it seem longer was knowing you were so close, yet so far away from me. I wonder sometimes if you're finding this as hard as I am? I think maybe you are. I know I got a little too drunk tonight but when I managed to get you alone, caressing you, kissing you, whispering to you of memories best forgotten - you responded, I know you did…even when there's been too much alcohol, one is never oblivious to such things!

DAY 96

Flew into LA with everyone. Kinda hurt my feelings a bit when you switched places and made me sit next to Elijah. I wasn't drunk anymore Bill, I can control myself, sometimes…I can, I think.

Day 97

Why are you avoiding me? I made you a promise and intend to keep it. A man can slip a time or two can't he? You barely talked to me all evening. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think that you're mad at me, I think you're as afraid as I am…are you afraid Billy?

 

"Damn him." Billy said as he turned a few more pages ahead.

 

DAY 104

Billy…Billy…Your eyes gave you away tonight. You're not finding it at easy to forget as you thought, are you? Everyone in Berlin saw - there are photos to prove it. I wasn't the only one feeling it. It's still there…isn't it Bill?

 

Embarrassed at being caught (though not sure by whom), Billy quickly turned another handful of pages.

 

DAY 185

Today was suppose to be one of the best days of my life. It ended up being one of the worst. Why'd you do it Bill? Why'd you bring her? It was suppose to be just us, just the hobbits for one last official night together. Sure, Sean brought Christine, but she's his wife. What is Ali to you Billy? What is she really? I'm sorry for what I said in the limo on the way to the Oscars. It came out all wrong. It wasn't about her. It was about what she represented; an end to any possibility of there ever being an "us". I know, I know, there never was an us was there? It never happened, right? I guess the forgetting is easier for you than it is for me. I tried to apologize. I even tried to get you to smile when we were being interviewed by that wretch Joan Rivers, but you wouldn't. Then you snapped at me and I saw that look on your face. The rest of the evening went down hill from there. Having words right there in the auditorium for everyone to see. Sean having to sit between us as if were a couple of bickering 10 year olds. Then you wouldn't speak to me. You wouldn't stand next to me when we won Best Picture. You even refuse to be seen at the fan's party with me. I tried calling and texting you but you wouldn't answer - I just wanted to apologize Billy. Then, when you brought her to the party and completely ignored me, I knew that it was truly time to put it behind me and move on. I know it was Elijah that got you to finally speak to me just before we all left. You can't even bring yourself to talk to me anymore…what are you afraid of Bill?

DAY 186

How's it feel Billy? How do you like it when I don't return your calls? When I don't answer your text messages? It hurts doesn't it?…maybe tomorrow I will, maybe.

DAY 187

You're starting to sound a little more desperate, aye Bill? Haven't you been able to put it in the past and move on? It sure doesn't sound like it by the messages that you'd left me - saying how sorry you are and how much you missed me and asking if we can get together and talk about it…I don't know Billy - maybe its best if we left it alone, that’s what you wanted isn't it?

DAY 188

Did you have to have everyone in the fucking fellowship call me Bills? Christ I would've called you eventually. I was just trying to make you sweat it out a bit. But now that we've talked, we're good, right? We're back to being mates; you have the girl, I have the memories and only you seem to be the one that can forget. Yes, I understand it's for the best but you should have known that it wouldn't be that easy for me…you should have known.

DAY 189

I saw you on the Sharon Osborne show today - that was for me Billy, wasn't it? You can deny it all you want, but I know you and that song was so fucking for me that it made me smile for the first time in days...It's getting to you, isn't it Billy?

 

A knock on the door startled Billy. He jumped and dropped the notebook. Bending to pick it up, he heard Sean say, "Billy, you about done in there? Everyone's waiting for you to open your gifts, and there's still the cake to cut."

With an exasperating sigh Billy shouted, "Give me five minutes Sean, then I'll be out."

"No problem." came the reply.

Billy looked back at the notebook and flipped to the end.

 

DAY 365

There you have it Billy, my gift to you - 365 days of trying to forget. I made you a promise and I wanted you to see that I did try, every day, but in the end I just couldn't. I mean, how do you let go of one of the best moments in your life? I didn't lie Billy, I thought I could do it. I really did, but I just couldn't. That's why I'm not there with you tonight. I want you to do something for me, I want you to give me another chance at that promise. I truly believe that if I'm not with you; if I can't see you, if I can't touch you, than I think I can make it - knowing that it means so much to you...Can you do that for me Bills, can you give me another 365 days to try to forget?

Dom