Title: If I Die (part 18)
Author: [livejournal.com profile] dani_grl4
Pairing: Dom/Billy
Rating: R
Disclaimer: So glad this isn't true.
Feedback: Is very appreciated. Okay I'm a h0r! for it. Smooches to all those who have given such lovely feedback so far.
Warning: Angst. As ever, despite the title, there is no death.
Summary: Billy confesses things to Dom that are quite painful.
A/N: Major props and hugs to [livejournal.com profile] canciona who managed to beta both this and the next chapter with lightening speed. She's the reason you won't have to wait another month for the next chapter. Also, she's incredibly patient about my writer's block. And thanks to everyone else that has patiently waited for the next part to this story. I know that there will be 20 chapters in total and 19 has been written and beta'ed, so it's very nearly the end!


Prologue, Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9a / Part 9b / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15 / Part 16 / Part 17



Chapter 18

Dom braces himself for what Billy’s about to say. His brain reminds him that he needs to be strong and reasonable about whatever it is, because clearly Billy’s shaken up, and being emotional is only going to make it that much more difficult for Billy to open up to him. But his heart is screaming that it can’t take not knowing for one more second.

“Billy?” Dom says, after several more agonising minutes of silence. “Please say something. Anything. I don’t care what it is. You’re scaring me.” His tone is as gentle as he can manage, considering he’s expecting Billy to tell him something truly gruesome, and he thinks he may throw up before he gets the chance to hear it, at this rate.

Whatever happened, whatever this is that Billy is choosing to tell him, was triggered by their intimacy, Dom reminds himself. Which, when he thinks about it now, was way too soon. Except, why hadn’t that occurred to him before they’d done it? Oh, right – he was really keen to get off. Never mind the fact that Billy had recently suffered the most traumatic experience of his life.

Selfish bastard. Well done.

But it wasn’t about getting off. I wanted to feel loved, and to show Billy how much I love him, as well. And Billy seemed to want that, too. Didn’t he?

“I’m scared,” Billy says, finally, jolting Dom from the conversation going on in his head.

“Of what, Billy?”

“Scared that our lives won’t be the same again – ever. Scared that things like what happened tonight will continue to happen.” Billy sighs and finally looks at Dom.

Dom doesn’t believe it will help anything to echo Billy’s fears, though they are his own as well. He lets Billy continue instead, uninterrupted, for the time being.

“I thought when I was rescued that I could come home, take my place here and just resume my old life as though it had merely been paused. But it’s not like that. I barely remember who I was before this happened.”

Billy’s tone is too hopeless for Dom’s liking. He lies down next to him and holds onto Billy, wrapping one arm around him and resting his head on Billy’s shoulder. He doesn’t know how, but he knows – can sense – that Billy is about to open up to him in a way that Dom’s been dreading for a while now. Yet at the same time, he knows they can’t move forward until Billy shares some of those dark secrets he’s carrying with him. So he mentally prepares himself, all the while knowing he can’t really; all he can do is remember to breathe, and to wait for Billy.

Eventually Billy finds the words that he needs, and he holds onto Dom’s hand, which is resting on his stomach, as he starts to share his story.

“At first, I really thought it was just a horrible nightmare that I would wake from. Because that kind of thing doesn’t happen to people in real life. Certainly not to you. But then days passed, and I knew I wasn’t going anywhere. I think it was days, anyway. I had no concept of time. I’m sure only minutes passed by, but they seemed like hours. It wasn’t long before I realised that things like this did happen to people in real life because it was happening to me.”

Billy pauses for a brief rest, not really to calculate how much to tell Dom; he’d rather just let go of it all and hope that Dom is strong enough to handle it. He hesitates only to take a quick mental note of how Dom is doing so far. Dom’s grip on his hand is still strong and Billy can feel his breath in slow, even intervals on his chest. He decides to continue on before he loses his nerve; before he forgets the little details that might help explain to Dom, and hopefully to himself, why he feels like a completely different person now.

“I had a blindfold on when any of them were around, and the room I was in was always completely dark. I thought that was the worst part. Not being able to see, I felt so vulnerable. Very helpless, and I wasn’t used to feeling those things. I always thought I could take care of myself; defend myself if it came to it. I never got the chance to even try,” Billy says.

Vulnerability and helplessness are two things Dom would never, ever associate with Billy. It must have completely shattered him. Dom can feel his own breath getting a little quicker as Billy continues, but he closes his eyes and tries very hard to utilise those breathing techniques he knows so well.

“They brought me food and gave me toilet breaks as well on a regular basis, I thought, maybe it isn’t so bad because they obviously wanted to keep me alive, you know? But, I was always accompanied. I never even had a chance to escape.”

Every time Billy pauses, his voice seems to break a little. Dom considers saying something for a second, just to assure him that trying to escape would have been too dangerous, that he did the right thing, but he decides not to. Instead he rubs his thumb over the back of Billy’s hand in a soothing rhythm, which seems to reassure Billy enough to continue.

“It was during that first trip to the toilet that they told me not to bother trying to escape, because I would be shot. And someone put a gun to my back. Knowing what I know now, I believe it was a real gun. But it doesn’t matter, because I believed then that it was a gun and it was enough to make me realise that the situation was quite serious.”

One of Dom’s more annoying habits (according to Billy, because Dom would be surprised to know he does this) is his inability to keep his leg still when he’s anxious. So when Dom’s leg begins to shake back and forth so much that the whole bed vibrates, Billy knows what he’s feeling. Well, he knows Dom is feeling many things, but if he had to guess – anxiety, anger, desperation and guilt would be amongst the top four. He knew eventually Dom would start twitching in some way, because he’s Dom and he can’t sit still, ever. Hearing about the person you love most in the world in a life-threatening situation would make anyone anxious. Billy was just hoping it wouldn’t start until he’d gotten further into his story, because if he feels a bit like crawling out of his skin now, he can’t imagine how Dom’s going to react in a few minutes’ time.

Despite this, Billy decides to carry on, feeling as though he’s on the verge of a huge, gushing release. He’s afraid of saying the words, but he’s more afraid of keeping them to himself and he doesn’t think he’s felt as safe as he does at this moment, alone, with Dom curled around him like this. So he goes on.

“At first, my trips to the loo and the shower were merely unpleasant. I constantly had someone in there with me. I was too scared to eat, and I felt nauseous all the time. I’d get really dizzy in the shower, especially trying to manoeuvre around whilst blindfolded. Sometimes I’d just throw up the entire time I was in the toilet. April always brought me something to drink when that happened. For some reason, I felt comforted when she was there, even if she didn’t speak to me for a long time. Maybe it was because she brought me food, and was gentle with me when I was ill, while the blokes were a lot more forceful. Well, just Tony, really. I felt like she wasn’t like them at all. Unfortunately, I had more encounters with Tony. Alone.”

Billy only pauses long enough to take note of the fact that Dom’s breathing has gotten a lot quicker and more uneven. His leg is still bouncing enough to shake the entire bed. He manages to maintain the soothing rhythm on the back of Billy’s hand with his thumb, however.

“I used to just shower as best I could, even though I couldn’t see. There was always someone just outside the door. Then that changed, and one of the blokes, the one we now know as Tony, would come in and watch me. I don’t know how I knew that, really, because he was quiet at first. But I could sense it, even before he ever said anything. And then he started making comments. Like, I remember thinking he must have seen you on the telly because he kept mentioning ‘my boyfriend’ and how distraught you seemed. And I knew he just wanted to see me get upset so he’d have a reason to kick my arse, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. I think that probably upset him more. I didn’t react the way he wanted to his comments, never showed him I was upset. I kept that to myself, in private. I cried for hours thinking about it when I was alone again, on the bed.”

Billy stops only long enough to catch his breath, or to catch up to his words, which feel like they’re escaping from him faster than he can control.

“Then, as you already heard in my interview, he eventually touched me. It didn’t feel sexual that first time, because it was so rough. I believe he just wanted me to react, so he would have a good excuse to beat the fuck out of me. He seemed to have a lot of contempt for me, like he resented my being there. I figured they wanted money, so they couldn’t really kill me. Not yet, anyway. And you know, I think that bothered him. I bet he wanted nothing more than to kill me, I really do.”

Dom’s leg stops shaking. But it isn't because he’s feeling any more calm; in fact, quite the opposite. It hit him that Billy just said it didn’t feel sexual that first time. He feels his blood run cold, and for once in his life, he can’t actually move.

Didn’t Billy tell the police it only happened that one time?

“Billy?”

“Dom, I-” Billy starts but doesn’t get to finish his thought, as images and sounds - mostly that of running water, Tony’s brutal words, the sight of his smirking mouth as he licked his way down Billy's body - assault him yet again, and there’s not a thing he can do to stop them.

Dom sits up, but doesn’t let go of Billy’s hand. His face is mere inches from Billy’s and he sees that look in his lover’s eyes, just like he’d seen there after he made Billy come. That look of not being there at all, and being completely afraid of him at the same time.

“Billy, what? Please, I’m begging you to tell me what happened. I can’t take not knowing anymore,” he pleads. He doesn’t want to push Billy, but his heart is racing and he thinks he might scream, or throw up or pass out, or something if Billy doesn’t ease his mind of the horrific images he has in his head. Nothing could be as bad as what he’s imagining, and even if it is, he still has to know.

The urgency in Dom’s voice snaps Billy from his memories, and he remembers why he wanted to tell Dom so badly in the first place. He doesn’t want Dom to think differently of him, knowing he’d been touched by another man, on a regular basis, for two heartbreaking months. Before he can gather his thoughts, explanations and apologies fall from his lips. He knows they make little sense to Dom right now, because he still doesn’t know what happened. But they will.

“I didn’t want to lie to you, Dom. I didn’t, I’m sorry. Honestly, you have to believe me. But I saw your face, and I could feel your hand shaking when I said it was just the one time-”

“Billy, shh, it's okay. I don't care that you lied. Just relax and breathe,” Dom says, the latter part as much for himself as for Billy.

“That day that I gave my statement before leaving hospital,” Billy says, as though this should clear things up.

“I remember, love. Just please, tell me,” Dom begs.

“I told you that he put his hands on me in the shower. I told you I was touched once. That-that's a lie.”

Dom understands immediately that whatever sexual abuse Billy endured was far worse than he imagined. He'd believed Billy when he said there was that one (one, dammit, one time - one awful time too many) humiliating experience with one of his kidnappers when he was in the shower. But that wasn't how it was and he braces himself for the blow.

“How many times then, Billy?” he asks quietly.

Dom has just enough time to think to himself that he’d rather cut off his own arm than hear the answer, before Billy provides one.

“Nearly every day,” Billy whispers.

Dom’s hand covers his mouth in one quick motion. Whether to stop the cry of shock and anger and hurt – God that hurt – he’s not sure. Maybe it’s to stop himself from being sick at the image. Whatever it is, he keeps his hand over his mouth and shakes his head ‘no’ to the tears that want to fall because he has to hear the rest of it and he’s done so well, not falling apart. Though he wants to so badly right now, but somehow, he doesn’t.

Billy’s not really finished, and even though he can see he’s just broken Dom’s heart, has just heard his muffled cry of anguish, he knows he has to finish it.

“That’s the real reason I was allowed to shower. The fear it would inspire when he came down and announced it was shower time – he knew what he was doing. He would watch me wash and then he’d start. The taunting. Or sometimes I wouldn’t even have a chance to wash. He would whisper to me in this low, filthy voice, and he’d put his hands all over me, everywhere. And he would make me watch him. Make me keep my eyes open. I hated it, Dommie,” Billy whispers his name.

Dom finally has the presence of mind to take his hand off of his mouth and to comfort Billy. “I know, love, I know you did. God, Billy, I don’t know what to say. I’m so, so incredibly sorry.” He leans in to hug Billy.

“Wait, Dom. That isn’t it.” Billy stops Dom from hugging him, but holds on to his arms. He wants to look at his eyes, but he just can’t manage it. “I sometimes, sometimes…my body would respond – physically,” Billy says. He finally looks at Dom, waiting for the inevitable expression of grief.

“Oh, Billy-” Dom reaches up to touch Billy’s face. He finally understands that Billy feels guilty for these encounters, feels like he betrayed Dom. Which is complete and utter ridiculousness to Dom, and he knows he has to make Billy believe that it wasn’t his fault. But Billy interrupts him with more explanations.

“No, you know, sometimes I would fight it, I fought it as hard as I could, but he just persisted, and I wanted him to stop. I didn’t have the energy to fight anymore and he wouldn’t stop unless he had the satisfaction of knowing he’d completely humiliated me. That’s when I would just retreat into my own world and I didn’t even really know what was going on. I guess I must still have the memories of it, though, because that’s what happened tonight. I had no idea those images were in my head, but they must have been because even though I knew it was you, all I could see was him.”

Dom leans back against the headboard and pulls Billy into him. He doesn’t want Billy to see him cry, but of course Billy will be able to tell because Dom’s been holding it in for so long now that he’s actually sobbing.

“You don’t think differently of me, do you, Dommie? I was afraid to tell you, because I didn’t want you to look at me differently. Regardless of what my body was doing, you have to know that my heart was with you.” Dom can feel tears hit his chest through his t-shirt and he figures if Billy’s given himself permission to cry, he can as well. So he does, as he kisses the top of Billy’s head and rocks them both back and forth.

“No, Billy, I don't think differently of you. I just love you, and I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You didn't deserve that. I love you so much,” he repeats over and over.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

They laid awake all night, at times simply holding each other in silence. Other times, Billy shared more details about those two months. Dom had also managed to tell Billy some of what he went through during that time. It was much easier for Dom to share that with Billy, because for the most part, every day was the same for him. Desperation, waiting by the phone. Sleepless nights. Billy already knows about the worst of it, when Dom hurt himself.

He told Billy about their friends and family, and how distraught everyone was, which just confirmed Billy’s fears that his kidnapping touched and completely shattered all the people he loves. So many people’s lives were put on hold just waiting to hear what had happened to Billy’s. It makes him angry, and yet at the same time, it makes him feel so loved and so thankful to have come out of it alive.

“Hey,” Dom says as he plays with Billy’s hair. “Are you sleepy?”

“Not really. I feel exhausted. Shattered, but not sleepy. My mind is just whirring.”

“Are you glad that you finally told me, Billy?” Dom asks.

“I am, I really am. I just need to process this all. I expected to tell you a little, piece by piece. Not all at once, and it just took a lot out of me, that’s all. Saying it out loud. But I am so relieved that you know now.”

Dom kisses the top of his head. “Me too, love. Me too.” And he means it. Tonight has been the toughest night they’ve had since Billy came back, but in the light of day, somehow he feels a bit stronger, a bit closer to Billy.

“Do you want me to make you something to eat?” Dom asks.

“Nah, I’m not really hungry yet. But thanks. I would kind of like to be on my own for a bit though, Dom. Maybe take a hot bath or something. I think you could probably use some time on your own to think about everything, too, yeah?”

Dom doesn’t actually agree, and isn’t keen on leaving Billy at the moment. “Billy, are you sure you want me to leave you alone?”

“Trust me, Dommie. It’ll be for your own good. We said a lot of things here last night, and I want you to make sure you’re okay with it all. But you can only figure that out on your own. And besides, I’d like to have a moment to get my head around everything you told me as well.”

“Alright, Bill. Whatever you want. I’ll shower downstairs and leave you to it, then.” Dom gets up and starts to walk towards the door when Billy grabs his arm and pulls him back on the bed.

“You know I love you more than anything in this world, Dommie,” Billy says, his eyes fixed on Dom’s. He isn’t asking if Dom knows this – just reminding him of a fact.

Dom smiles. “And I you, Bill.”

Billy’s eyes light up as they do in that way that’s only for Dom, and he kisses him quickly before getting up and heading to the bathroom, leaving Dom with his thoughts.
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