Two Halves of the Same Whole

[aire-blair.livejournal.com]

Title: Two Halves of the Same Whole
Author: aire_blair
Pairings: Billy and Dom
Rating: PG
Summary: angsty shmoop
Disclaimer: Not true, not true, sooooooo not true….at least I don’t think so…
Feedback: You betcha baby!
A/N: My first challenge fic, written for booshgal33’s August angst challenge. Beta’d by the bestest canciona because, well, she knows why.





Fade In: 2 cars, 2 drivers, 2 radios, 1 city

Hands grip the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles are bloodless. Driving blindly, not really knowing where the car is taking him. Occasionally pounding the wheel in frustration and despair. Trying so hard not to let the sadness swallow him whole. Tired of the silence that surrounds him, he reaches over and turns the radio on, hoping for a song that will distract him from his anger, hurt, pain.

One hand on the steering wheel, the other resting on his thigh. Not paying attention to direction, seemingly random left and right turns here and there. Tears threaten to spill, but he manages to hold them in. Right hand trembling, he lights a cigarette, inhales, exhales, sobs, breathes in deep and holds, then slowly exhales again. Turns the radio on, hoping for a song that will distract him from his anger, hurt, pain.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

He thinks: "I have no right anymore to tell you I love you. We’re not together, I have…had someone else, I shouldn’t have said it to you. It’s not fair of me to do this to you."

He thinks: "I shouldn’t love you anymore, you’re not mine, maybe you never were. Why did you tell me tonight? Why did I have to hear it, see it in your eyes, and then say it back?"

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
or return to where we were

"I don’t want to burden you with my problems. You fought so hard to overcome the damage we did to each other, the damage I did to you, the damage you did to yourself. We’re not the men we used to be, we can’t go back. I can’t expect you to take or want me back."

"You used to be able to tell me anything, everything. Where did that go? Did we rip ourselves so far apart that we don’t even have that anymore? I miss that…us. I want us back, even if it’s only half of what we used to be."

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I’ve loved you for so long I don’t know how to not love you. I don’t want to know how to not love you. I need to love you…I do love you."

"I almost stopped...loving you. Didn’t know how to breathe without loving you. Didn’t want to breathe if I couldn’t love you. Can’t give in to that, I have to love you, I do love you, still."

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

"I know bringing her into our life hurt you. I know the late nights out with people…guys I didn’t know were your only way to hurt me back. I know the silence was unbearable. I know my leaving nearly broke you. It almost broke me. I know we can’t go back, can we? Because we’re over, aren’t we? But couldn’t we be part of what we were? Friends? We used to be friends."

"I’d give anything to take back the things I said to hurt you, that made you cry, made you feel as miserable as I was. I’d give anything to take back the horrible silences that surrounded us and pulled us down into the deep, dark well of despair. I’d give anything to take back all those nights spent with nameless faces trying to erase your name from my lips and your face from my mind. I’d give anything, do anything to have you back in my life, even if it’s only as my friend."

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Looking but not really seeing as he’s driving, his hands have relaxed their grip on the steering wheel. The area looks familiar, now he knows where he is. "Our spot." He thinks. "Ours alone. No one knew except you and me. We would come here and talk and make plans for our future. Or lie side by side on the hood of the car and look at the stars and not say a word. Or lie on the blanket and make love, and whisper promises to each other."

The cigarettes are gone, his breathing almost normal, the car has stopped. "Our spot", he realizes. "Ours alone. Haven’t been here since the last time we were here together, making love on a blanket, under the stars. I’ve never been here alone, ever." And then notices he’s not alone, and knows why he has come to this place above all others. "Because there is no other place for me to go", he thinks. "I go where he goes, I must be where he is."

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....


"I was hoping he would come", he realizes. The cars are parked facing each other, face to face. "I want to tell him I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say those words tonight. I’m scared he won’t forgive me for that. I want our friendship back, if that’s all I can have. I can’t be without him in my life." He climbs slowly out of the car.

"I was hoping he would be here", he thinks. "He’s so close, I can see his face illuminated in my headlights. Is he scared? I don’t want him to be scared of me. I don’t want him to be sorry he said those words tonight. I’d give anything to be his friend again, even if it’s that’s all I can ever be. I can’t exist without him in my life." He slides slowly from the car.

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be


Two bodies exit two cars and walk slowly towards each other and stop with only inches between them. Two faces, illuminated by headlights, stare at each other, and try to absorb all the emotion laid bare on the other’s face.

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Two sets of arms reach up to touch, to caress, to hold, and finally, surround the other, holding on for dear life, not wanting to let go, not wanting to be empty, ever again.

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Two mouths find each other, two sets of lips brush, then push against each other. Two tongues twisting and tasting, exploring and re-learning the contours of lips and mouths.

Two hearts, ripped apart, mend back together, and become one, again.

Two bodies, two souls, once so far apart, now so close as to be one.