There Goes The Fear

[satine405.livejournal.com]

Title: There Goes The Fear 1/2
Pairings: Monaboyd
Rating: PG-ish. Maybe R for Language
Warning: *sigh* Angst. Smut is next.
Summary: Billy and Dom have been together for awhile..and things are falling apart.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Not at all.
Feedback: Yes Please.
Author's Note: I wrote this in one sitting tonight. Much thanks to magicmint Who was my cheerleader, and my source of much inspiration! MWAH!! Also, flashbacks to the past are in italics.




"See you tonight, Billy." This morning, Doms' chaste kiss didn't even reach my cheek. Starting towards the door, he turned. "Oh, I may have a meeting with my producer tonight. Ill call if I do."
I had not returned his "kiss", nor did I respond to his comment. Oblivious to my lack of response, Dom closed the door behind him.
On impulse, I grabbed my cup of coffee, hurried to the door and reopened it. I watched Dom wind his way around the sidewalk, losing sight of him as he went to the back lot where his car was parked. In the early years of our relationship, this had been a morning tradition. I would take my coffee and the paper(or whatever shite novel Dom was reading) outside on the front steps. Dom would be on his way to an audition, meeting, or to the gym. He would back his car out, toot the horn and wave good-bye. This morning, however, no wave met my gaze, Dom no longer expected me to be there.

When had this happened?

What had we done wrong?

I had been in LA for a two weeks now. Most of my visit had been spent indoors. I don't know how so many people could stand to live in such a dreadful city. The air was rank, the roads were jammed. I had told Dom on more than once occasion that he should move to Scotland, and be with me. Dom never liked to feel caged though...and..I suppose Glasgow was too "settled down" for Mr. Hot Young Hollywood. Im not sure what he found so wrong about my home in Scotland, sure it was kind of an older house, but it was mine. And the air in Scotland...smells bloody fantastic. Not anything like this wet dog always in the air in LA
Returning to the kitchen, I refilled my coffee, decided to drink it black this time. Sugar in my coffee didn't suit my dark mood. I walked around Doms apartment, and finally ended up in his spare room. We always called it the "Art House Reject" room. Dom always had a thing for art. Even after successfully covered his living room, and bedroom walls, Dom continued to buy paintings that touched him somehow. Most of these paintings ended up in the spare room. Some hanging, some propped up against the walls, and dresser. I counted fifteen paintings once, then opened the closet and found eight more.
"Most men in Hollywood keep SHOES in their closets, Dom." I had joked. Dom had stalked off before I could explain that I found his collection horribly endearing. Every time he bought a painting, I could see a little more of his insides. Even though I teased him about the room, it had always delighted me. My gaze paused on the bonsai tree on the night stand, that Dom had since before we even met. This room just screamed Doms name to me, and it was a comfort to be in there. Most of my visit had been spent indoors. Most of my visit had been spent alone.


"Im BORED."
Billy looked up over the top of his paper, to a grown man on his knees.
"Dom, what the fuck are you doing?"
"Im begging you to entertain me. Anything. Im going out of my mind here with boredom."
"Get up, you git." Billy laid his paper down. "You've only been here a day, and you are already going out of your mind?"
"Billy, I had to be over-dramatic--" Dom met Billy's eye roll and continued speaking. "I hate to be uh..over-dramatic. Again. But, uh. Im bored."
"You are always bored."
"Yeah, but this time, its really bad. I feel like Im coming out of my skin."
Billy thought for a moment. Sometimes he didn't know how to handle Dom when he was like this. Like an overwound toy, ready to go. Dom had come up from the ground, and was stepping from foot to foot.
"Are you dancing now?" Billy grinned.
"Fuck Billy, please. I know you can sit inside all day, but Im going nuts here."
"Okay. What do you want to do?" Billy instantly knew he had messed up. Never ask a "child" what they want to do. Give them two options. Make them CHOOSE. He had seen this first hand with his sisters kids.
A terrible whining noise came from Dom. "I don't KNOWWWWWW what I want to do."
"Oh shut up, Dom. Do you want to watch TV, or....Play Station?"
Dom looked at Billy as if he had just asked him if he wanted to do the dishes.
"Okay. Um. Lets go over here to the sofa." Billy took Dom by the hand and led him to the sofa. Billy's living room was dark, so he switched on a light.
"What are we doing?"
"We are going to play a game." BIlly watched as Doms eyes lit up, much like a child's would. "Im going to ask you a question, and every time you answer one correctly, Ill take off a piece of clothing. If you get it wrong..You have to."
"What kind of naughty game is this, Billy?" Dom grinned, his eyes twinkling.
"You said you were bored."
Dom was always up to the challenge, Billy knew that. "Okay, go on then." Dom said, grinning even wider.
"What's my favorite color?" Billy asked, starting with an easy one.
Dom looked beyond pleased with himself. "Blue!" He exclaimed.
Billy couldn't help laugh. He took off a sock, to Doms dismay.
"A SOCK? That's all I get?"
"That's all you earned!" Billy grinned. "What book do I keep beside my bed?"
Panic flashed over Doms face for a moment. Billy could practically see the light bulb go on over his head.
"OH! Crime and Punishment!" Dom almost shouted.
Billy rewarded Dom by taking off his shirt.
Dom rewarded Billy by leaning in and nuzzling against the hair on his chest. Billy wrapped his arms around Dom, and pulled him even closer. Feeling Billy's lips on top of his head, Dom forgot all about the boredom.


I stepped out of the guest bedroom and walked down the hallway, lined with framed, black and white photos of friends and family..most of which were taken by Viggo at different events and functions. I had to stop and look at each one. These were not the photos the public had seen. With Doms cheeky smile reeling in every girl in a 50 mile radius. These pictures had a different smile. More natural, and relaxed. Not staged. Just..Dom. I couldn't help but notice I was in every picture. Usually what Dom was smiling at. I felt my cheeks heat up a little. That doesn't mean anything. Just because he's smiling at me at one time..doesnt mean he will always be smiling.
Dom had always given out smiles. But lately his seemed more forced. As if Billy was the general public, and not his boyfriend of almost three years. Doms body still lived in this apartment, but emotionally, he was miles away. What bothered me most was not knowing when it happened. By the time I recognized his distance, the chasm between us felt too deep and wide to be crossed. So I didn't say anything.
The phone rang just as I stepped into Doms - OUR bedroom. Looking at the clock, I knew who it was.
"Billy," Elijah began abruptly, "I know you absolutely despise surprise parties, so Im not giving you one."
"First, how did you know I would be answering, secondly, as thoughtful as that is, why would you be throwing me a surprise party anyway?" I sat on the bed, puzzled.
"BILLY!" In his exasperation, he sounded more like a mother than a friend. "For your anniversary! Three Years! With DOM!"
"Save the party our next anniversary." If there is one, I added silently.
After filling me in with all the amazing details of his trip to Prague, having a stalker, her being arrested, and seeing more than his fair share of prostitutes, Elijah said good-bye. As I dressed, I continued wondering what hidden ailment was destroying my once strong relationship.


"Dom, please."
"I really cant, Billy, you know that."
"No, I don't know that. Why wont you come? Its been months since Ive seen you."
"I know, and Im sorry. But...what's one more month?"
Billy sputtered. "What's one more month?? Its everything Dom. I miss you."
Dom was silent.
"I feel lost without you, Dom. You know that." Billy knew he was exposing himself too much, tearing his skin away, showing his soul. But he didn't care.
"Billy--"
"No, fuck you Dom. We've had this planned for weeks." Billy's voice lowered. "I passed on a job because of this Dom, now you fucking better have a good fucking reason why you are calling me the night before you are supposed to be on a plane here and saying you aren't fucking COMING."
"Billy, I already told you. I have to do this, they set it up at the last moment. You know how important Lost is right now. I have to be out there. Ive got that interview with the Ringers, that magazine party. Fuck. The Wango Tango concert, and the ABC Up Fronts this week. You know how last minute these things can be." Doms voice sounded strained.
"Fuck. Fine. Dominic. You have fucking fun this week." Billy knew he wasn't being fair, but this wasn't fair to him either. He just wanted to see his boyfriend.
"Billy, please be reasonable. Ill come next month, as soon as these promo things are done with."
"Dom, ya know what? That's what you said last month." Billy nearly hung up on him, but didn't. "So, you know what? Fuck you."


My visit had been passing with little change in our relationship. We were painfully polite to each other. Boring, polite kisses on cheeks, and Doms periodic, fucking late appointments. Me, sitting alone in his apartment. Last night Dom had suggested we go out to dinner. I found myself hoping, against all reason, that our "date" would revive something in both our hearts. In anticipation, I pampered myself with a hot bath, something I never do. I decided on a green shirt and beige jacket, since I knew Dom loved me in green. As we walked out to the car, Dom glanced at me a few times, and said "You look...lovely, Bill."
Sadly the date went downhill from there. After we finished discussing our friends latest endeavors, and our own work, our conversation became stiff. And awkward.
Over dessert, my hopes rose again when, once more, Dom said, "You really do look nice tonight, Billy." But that night when we went to bed, we fell asleep in our "new favorite" position--back to back--with an ocean of space between us. When I accidentally touched him, I immediately drew away. It seemed wrong, to touch a stranger that way.
The thought that I had refused to dignify with conscious consideration kept poking at me until I said, "No, it cant be someone else. Oh, please, God, please dont let it be someone else." My mind kept whispering, "Its all my fault. I encouraged him too much. I should have held on to him tighter. He's too far gone from me now." After a restless night, I had awoken this morning at eight, and quietly eased out of bed. Wrapped in one of Doms old robes, I took my coffee and went outside to sit on the front steps. All I could hear were far away car horns. Thinking to myself how if I were in Scotland, I would be hearing birds sing.
"Its over." I muttered. "Our relationship is truly over..but I don't want it to be over! I cant let it be over!" I gulped my coffee down, it was scalding, but I was glad to be feeling something. I must have sat outside for an hour, trying to remember the last time my lips had touched Doms. Not feeling inspired by anything, I came inside.
Dom was dressed, and hurrying around the apartment. Obviously not worried at all about where I had been for the last hour. He looked....good. His hair was fixed, and he had on slacks. I suddenly felt silly and wrapped his robe around me tighter. I rubbed my hand down my face, feeling the roughness of my stubble. When did I shave last?
"Im gonna be gone all day." Dom said, grabbing an apple out off the counter. Not touching the coffee. I said nothing.
"See you tonight, Billy." Dom walked towards the door, and seemingly with a second thought, he turned around towards me and air kissed my cheek.
"Oh, I may have a meeting with my producer tonight. Ill call if I do."
Whatever, Dom.


We have been dancing around this for too long.
I have to do something.
I cant stand this anymore.
He cant keep staring at me like that.
Im gonna go mad.
"Dom? What's wrong?"
"What?"
"You just stopped talking mid sentence, and you were staring at me like I had warts on my face. Oh, I don't have warts on my face do I??" Billy wiped at his face in mock horror.
"Billy."
"Dom. What is it?" Billy sat down, and out his hand on Doms knee. "You OK?"
Dom looked around. They were in Viggos trailer. This couldn't...WOULDN'T be the right place. Orlando was passed out in an armchair. Elijah was in the bathroom doing God knows what for a very long time. Dom looked at Billy again. He had a...strange, puzzled look on his face. It only made Dom want to kiss him more. He had to do it.
"Billy.."
"Stop fucking saying my name...what is it?"
"Billy I have to.." Dom stood up, and looked wildly around the trailer. It seemed to be closing in on him.
"Are you okay??" Billy asked, panicked.
"No..yes. God!" Doms eyes raced around the room in a rush. He made contact with Billy, and everything fell away. 'Billy.."
"You keep saying that." Billy said softly.
Dom rushed towards him, his hands reaching Billy's face well before his lips did. Their noses smashed in a flurry of small kisses. Doms head moved over him quickly, kissing his lips, and everywhere around them. Billy's hands snaked around Doms neck, and gripped him still. His tongue parting Doms lips smoothly.
"Keep still, Dom." Billy whispered, kissing him again.



I sat down in the living room, feeling fucking sorry for myself. I knew Dom didn't have any beer in the fridge, cus I had gone through that days ago. What do I do? What do I do? How do I fix this? How do you fix something when you don't know what's wrong. What do I do?
What do I fucking DO?
For once, I was glad to be alone, otherwise I would have to explain why I was laying on Doms couch, crying my eyes out.

That's just where he found me. Curled up. On the couch. I woke up, had the distinct feeling of being watched. I opened my eyes but didn't raise up. I knew who was there.
"Hey" I said.
"Hey." Dom was sitting on the edge of the coffee table. Staring. At me.
"What time is it?" I asked.
"Its about seven-ish." Dom said softly.
"No late meeting?"
"Finished early."
We continued staring for a few moments. I could feel my breath hitching in my throat. What was he looking at?
"Are you hungry?" His voice was still quiet, and soft. Which was unusual for Dom. Even more unusual was his stillness. His elbows on his knees, his hands dangerously close to my face. They were clasped together. As if given to their own devices, they would betray him somehow.
"Starved. I think all Ive had is coffee." My stomach lurched as I said it. "Yeah, definitely hungry."
I thought I could see the hint of a smile on Doms face...but..I couldn't be too sure.
"I could order in." He said. "Unless you feel like going out?"
"Whatever you want." I said.
More staring.
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do right now?
"Dom?"
Eye contact. Eating my heart out. He's reading my insides right now.
"Yeah?"
"Nothing. Nevermind." I clenched my eyes shut. Hoping that when I opened them, Dom would be gone, and this terrible awkward nightmare would be over. With joy, I heard him standing up. His pants rustled slightly near my ear. After a moment, just as I was going to open my eyes, I felt his weight on the sofa. His back to my stomach. My eyes jerked open. I stared at the side of his face.
What do I do? What do I do?
"Billy."
My mouth opened of its own accord, and a small gasp came out. "Yes?" I croaked.
"I have to tell you something." Dom still wasn't looking at me. My brain exploded. NoNoNoNoNoGODNONONONO!
"Well..out with it then." My voice, shockingly calm. I could barely hear for my heart pounding so loudly. At this, Dom turned. Oddly aware that this is the closest we've been in days. His hip bone rubbing against my stomach.
His mouth opened and closed. Open and closed. Again.
"Dom. Just...say it. Whatever you have to say, just fucking say it." I squeezed my eyes shut again. I didn't think I could bare to see his eyes when he did this...
"Billy, look at me, please." Fuck, how could he talk so softly?
I looked at him again, against my own will.
He leaned towards me, I instinctively backed up a little, fearing attack.
His lips brushed my ears as he spoke. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"
I backed away more, not knowing how this was possible, since I was laying at the edge of the sofa anyway.
"What?" I asked.
Doms body was on top of me then. His mouth on my neck, not kissing it, but, speaking..to it.
"I love you Billy, I fucking love you. I don't know what's wrong, but I cant take this anymore. If you want to leave me, Ill understand, I will. I wont be happy, or even able to breath, but I cant have you in my home and feeling like a stranger, I just done know how to fix it, I just love you so much it hurts me, all the time. I have this pain..I LOVE YOU."
My arms went around Dom and held him so tightly it hurt.
And now Dom was the one crying. He pulled back from me, his face wet with tears.
"I don't know what to do." I said, honestly.
"Just. Hold me." Dom buried his face in my chest. He stretched his body out long, his legs twining with mine. "Its not what you think, Billy. I never--"
"I didn't think you had." I said. I smoothed Doms hair down, and wiped his damp face. "I knew you didn't."
"Its just..hard. We We We are always so far away from each other, and stuff is always coming up. But, I have to have you in my life, Billy. I cant..go without you." Dom shuddered.
"You wont. Ever. I will always be here." In my heart, I knew I should be demanding more of an explanation. But..right now I didn't care. All I cared about was that Dom was near me. Holding me. And yes. Now he was kissing me.