BEYOND THE FELLOWSHIP

[mc-honky.livejournal.com]

Title: Beyond the Fellowship

Author: mc_honky

Pairing: Monaboyd, Sean Astin/Orlando Bloom

Rating: PG/PG-13

Disclaimer. Not mine. Even in AU. Oh, Blade Runner isn't mine, either. Don't know who that belongs to.

Feedback: The pants command you...

Synopsis: Behind the scenes with the Fellowship.

Notes: This fic has been sitting in my Word archive for Christ knows how long. I was inspired to write a mock-umentary thing after Might Wind first came out. If you have not seen Mighty Wind...do eet! It's American humor at its best. Beware, the actors are not themselves...seriously.

***

FADE IN

 

"Hold that…okay…and it's a wrap!"

 

"My god, I thought this one would never end!" Dom, covered in some kind of viscous yellow goo, gestures rudely in the direction of a pair of large cameras, and rolls his eyes at Billy, who is also liberally smothered.

 

Billy says nothing, pulls a small cellular phone from his hip pocket, and stabs out a number, which isn't easy considering both he and Dom are suspended by their ankles from a large anthropomorphic Ent.

 

A muffled voice issues from the tiny phone, and at once Billy barks into it.

 

"Charna? Bill here, where's Dale? I told him I wasn't doing this messy stuff anymore. What's he playing at? Get him on here pronto - what? No, I don't care if he's with another client. I pay his wages."

 

There is a brief silence and then the voice again. Billy's neck reddens.

 

"Oh, he said that did he? Well, you tell him I want a call back within the hour or I'll be reviewing my contract - understand!?"

 

He shoves the phone back into his pocket and bawls to the outmoded film crew standing by.

 

"Will somebody get me down from here, or are you all just going to stand there gaping like stunned guppies?!"

 

FADE OUT

 

Still shots of the Fellowship and select others play continuously across the screen.

  

FADE IN

 

"Okay Bill, concentrate now, tell me which card the lady is holding up."

 

Sean and Bill the Pony sit facing each other across a small dinette, there are playing cards scattered about and a cup of coffee going cold. Sean scratches his head and pulls his mouth into a fixed wedge, trying to put words to Bill's vision.

 

"Brate ov krubs." His face creases worriedly. "My agent thought this would be a cinch. He wanted us to be more cerebral, intelligent, get away from our insular label…"

 

"And what do you think your chances are of pulling that off then, Sean? Thin as in wafer?"

 

Laughter precedes, and Sean Bean appears at the door of Sean's large trailer, wearing nothing but a pair of 501's and dog-tags; his hair is parted dead center. Seeing the camera on him he grins.

 

"Sean Astin is hoping to go on tour with Bill this summer break. They're doing a ventriloquist and magic act but-" his voice deepens back into his own natural tone and he ends in a shout.

 

"Boy, do they suck!"

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

Sean 1 and Sean 2 are sitting outside with tall glasses of lemonade. Sean Bean self-consciously touches his slicked back hair.

 

"Yeah, most people are surprised to find out its a wig."

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

"Does any of what I'm saying mean anything to you?"

 

Billy is on the phone again with his agent Dale, who failed to return his call. He paces up and down waving his arms, and pausing at intervals to scowl at the camera.

 

Dom is sitting in the background eating from a large bag of corn chips, and grinning broadly. Every time Billy walks past, Dom throws a chip at him, only adding to Billy's annoyance.

 

Billy shoots Dom a narrow glance and shouts into the phone before throwing it out of the trailer window. Dom flicks another chip.

 

Billy goes wild, and swearing angrily he dives across the room grabbing for Dom's throat. Wrangling, they disappear off camera as the couch tips over.

 

A glass breaks and somewhere outside a dog begins to bark.

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

Liv, Miranda, and Cate sit around in the make-up trailer. Liv is putting on lipstick whilst Miranda arranges Cate's freshly plaited hair.

 

Liv is dressed in a smart suit with matching gloves and pearl earrings. Seeing the camera rolling Liv looks down at herself at blushes.

 

"Ah, comes as a shock to you all that I'm not always such a low life, huh? Actually, I have some work to do this afternoon. I'm doing an after dinner speech for my favorite charity, and then I'm opening a new deli counter at the old supermarket around the corner. Oh, and then its signing copies of my new book of satirical essays."

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

Miranda smiles affectionately at Cate.

 

"You know Cate here, has been my best friend since the fourth grade? We've been through a hell of a lot together, huh, chickie?"

 

She ruffles Cate's hair, "You know she cheers me up when I'm feeling blue, she nurses me when I'm sick--this woman is solid gold! I never wanted to go to stage school but she dragged me there kicking and screaming, and look where it's taken me. She deserves respect and to anyone out there who thinks she's anything like the character she plays - HAH! I've news for you!"

 

Cate slaps playfully at Miranda, and gets up from the couch trying to get off camera, but it pans to follow her around, along with Miranda's voice.

 

"Ask any of the guys on the crew here and they'll tell you the same thing; who's the sweetest kid around here? Our Cate. She's always got a smile and a kind word for you…and her cherry pie is to die for."

 

Cate bursts into hysterical tears and locks herself in the bathroom.

 

"Stop it. Go away." her voice is muffled through the woodwork.

 

The camera tracks back to Miranda, she shrugs and smiles "She can't stand this you know. She hates praise; it embarrasses the hell out of her. I told her I was going to tell the world what a sweetie she is. She begged me not to, but I owe her everything. Get out of there, kid, and take a bow!"

 

The camera fixes on the bathroom door but nothing happens.

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

Elijah crosses the threshold, wearing a black muscle T-shirt. He stretches luxuriously, and lowers himself into an overstuffed armchair. His fingers go up to his mouth, delicately probing. There is a sharp, but muted snap, and his fingers withdraw, clutching a small curved piece of plastic.

 

"Ah…much better,"

 

He looks full at the camera, and slowly smiles, his mouth curving up to reveal no gap between his teeth.

 

"Another myth exploded, huh?" His hands move up again, twirling a lock of dark hair as he grins mischievously.

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

Billy sits at a lunch counter with Sean Astin, picking at a green salad, he is obviously still fuming, but trying his hardest to cool out a bit.

 

"So you think it’s a go-er then?"

 

Sean shovels in another mouthful of hash browns, "I think we can work something out. I mean, I can play bass at a pinch, so that leaves you free for lead guitar. Then if we can get Orli up here for vocals all we need is to find a drummer…" he tails off realizing the camera is still on him.

 

Billy explains, "Sean and I are trying to figure how to spend our summer, you know we get a break between filming. Now his agent has some half-baked idea about a comedy/magic act when we both know he'll just dry up on stage. And my agent…"

 

He pauses to brandish the cellular phone in the camera, "Wants me to try for some kids show compeer thing. You gunk the kids and the kids gunk you. I told him I'm not doing anymore of that mucky stuff. Its playing havoc with my sinuses, and quite honestly I'd rather spend my break doing something I like with people I like, as opposed to wearing a nailed-on smile and dousing myself in food by-products for the edification of some moron in a suit. What's he going to pull me up for next for god sake, Blues Clues?"

 

The phone in Billy's pocket suddenly goes off with the theme tune from 'Dr. Zhivago', Billy snarls something incoherent, and tears it out.

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

Billy's agent, Dale Greasely, sits behind a large desk. Upon which is a small polished plaque bearing his name. Behind him on the wall are thumb tacked, several dog-eared photographs of such stars as Rupert Grint, Ren & Stimpy, Eminem, Mariah Carey, and Bill the Pony.

 

Greasely turns a small black and white photo of Billy over and over in his pudgy fingers.

 

"Ah yes, he's one of my brightest young hopefuls. Not half as dim as he comes over on that film, oh no. Knows where he's going does, Billy. Although sometimes that's not such a good thing. Too impatient by far, and downright insolent when he thinks he's not getting his own way. Apparently he'd had a string of agents before I agreed to take him under my wing. Nothing I can't handle. I don't take any rubbish from him, and if he knows which side his bread is buttered, he'd better start giving me the respect I deserve. Thinks he knows it all, and he might one day, but for now he's just a kid with a mouth that he likes to shoot off. Who's not half as famous or talented as he thinks he is. Luckily for Billy, he's got me think for him, so he doesn't have to try. "

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

Billy watches Greasely's smug closing statement, and heads meaningfully for the trailer door.

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

Greasely sits as before, the photo of Billy is nowhere to be seen, and the one of Bill has been moved to a more prominent position. Greasely fiddles with a paperclip.

 

"Yes…he did fire me. No, I'm not at liberty to discuss this further, you understand. What with lawyers and all that."

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

Andy, Viggo and John lean over a fence facing <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Orlando and Sean Astin - holding hands, Orlando's arm is around Sean's shoulders.

 

"I guess this must look pretty funny," Sean giggles, "But actually Orli and I have been dating since the first movie wrapped," he kisses Orlando lightly on the chin, "I think I must have fallen for the big powerful man image. What do you think?"

 

"Oh, I think it's definitely the big old he-man scenario, myself." Andy interjects, his voice is rich and mellifluous compared to his character's usual lilt.

 

"And of course many fans of the books - as well as the films, will only see you as Frodo's grabby and overly-familiar young gardener, not realizing of course that you are actually older than Elijah by a good ten years."

 

Sean smiles as Orlando hugs him. "Good things come in small packages, baby." He drawls.

 

"Do I have any secrets?" Viggo turns around and faces the camera, "Well…just one. I'm a complete, and utter slob. Really I am. A total couch potato. When I get home at night I let the cat in, change into my old unraveling sweater and spend the evening lying on the couch watching college football. You wouldn't get me near those exercise tapes, the most exercise I ever get is walking to the icebox for more Drumstix!"

 

"I can vouch for that!" chimes John, taking a swig of his beer.

 

"Thanks, I love you too Johnny." Viggo pokes John in the ribs, Andy giggles at the gesture.  

 

"But couch potato, though I may be, at least rabbits don't give me the heebeegeebies."

 

Andy throws his hands up laughing, "You bastard!"

 

Viggo grins, "Well, okay I know you're over it now, but you remember how they used to freak you out? That scene where Sam's cooking breakfast for Frodo, and you bring in the two dead rabbits! I thought you were going to pass out! How many times did they make you re-shoot that scene until you stopped shaking?"

 

"I think it was something like eighteen?" Andy scratches his head and grins sheepishly at the camera.

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

Elijah leans back against the wall, trying for a sultry. "Oh, Sam…"

 

You know, I actually get girls coming up to me in the street and begging m to say that to them. That and...I'm glad you're with me."

 

Elijah breaks off into a fit of giggles.

 

"Hey, Dom, do your stuff."

 

Dom shoves his face into the camera. "I think I've broken something..."

 

They look across to where Billy is loafing, chewing on an apple.

 

"Come on Bills, hit us with your catchphrase - ah, too bad you haven't got one unless it's…"

 

Dom pitches his voice up an octave searching for Billy's tone. "MUSHROOMS!"

 

"That's not his catch phrase," screams Bean, as he runs past.

 

"That's his mantra!"

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

"And you know where most of Gollum's sayings come from?" John pushes his way to the fore.

 

"The old guy who used to deliver the groceries to the set on a Friday afternoon. Couldn't figure out what he was on about half the time, but when he did say something, it was profound--in a awkward sort of way. Isn't that so, Andy?"

 

Andy nods.

 

"So, " John continues, "One day we're all there and the camera's are rolling and Gollum has to do this scene where he's fishing in this lake, he's beating this fish into a bloody pulp, and he forgets his lines. He's just standing there, looking absolutely dumb-struck, and then suddenly, he comes out with this really weirdo saying--man, I just corpsed, you know? Turns out it was something this old guy used to say and the stress of mumbling his lines must have brought it back to the surface. Well, it was an instant hit with PJ, and it kind of snowballed from there. We use the old guy's lines all the time now and there's even a sort of suggestion box up in the main canteen, so if we come up with a new one it gets put on the list and you can win a nice bonus."

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

Billy, Elijah, and Dom sit on a trio of directors-style chairs, and Ian hangs about in the background, having a smoke.

 

Dom is seated in the middle, he is wearing dark glasses and denim bib and brace outfit, with Cuban heels. Billy is seated to his right dressed in shorts, Nikes, and a running top. To his left Elijah lounges in his black shirt, and leather trousers drinking a mug of coffee.

 

"What are we really like?" Dom muses, "Okay, our Elijah here - HAH, he and Frodo are cut from completely different cloth!"

 

He jerks his thumb towards Elijah, "Elijah here is the biggest sugar freak you've ever met - six lumps in his tea, nine in coffee. And if that coffee's not so strong that he can't just go ahead and carve off a slice, then - WOOT! Does he ever throw a tantrum. He's got a hell of a temper!"

 

Ian interjects, lighting another cigarette.

 

"Well, actually, Dom, that's not entirely true. You're making him out to be some kind of nut, when he's not. Yes, Elijah likes his sugar and caffeine, but lets be reasonable. It's you who gets the hissy fits when it doesn't go your way. Elijah, here is normally the coolest head around here. In fact I'd go so far to say he's so laid back, he is practically horizontal! And as we all know, the girls are crazy for our dear Elijah. Absolutely besotted!"

 

"Aw, come on guys…" Elijah pleads but to his dismay his partners drag over a large gunny sack filled with envelopes. As the camera pans around the room it picks out walls smothered in photographs, drawings, bunches of flowers, and handwritten declarations of love. The predominant color is red; the predominant shape is that of a heart.

 

Elijah blushes a deep crimson, as first Billy then Dom take turns to pick from the sack and read aloud, clearly relishing his embarrassment.

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

"Is Dom really a closet megalomaniac?"

 

Elijah raises his dark eyebrows, stages a theatrical glance over his left shoulder to make sure he's alone, then hunches down close to the camera.

 

"I'd have to run with that one. Although, maybe a little less emphasis on the closet bit…"

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

Billy is on the phone again, he wears a haunted expression.

 

"You think he'll take me on? Oh…okay I see, yeah...I understand. How much of a percentage? Uh, I think I'll call you back."

 

He glances up and all expression fades from his face, swallowing his pride he slowly taps out a number on the phone.

 

"Charna? I need you to do me a favor…a big favor - oh and what's Dale's...uh, Mr. Greasely's favorite drink?"

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

Elijah and Dom watch from afar as Billy paces around talking into his cell phone.

 

Dom shrugs, "He's a funny sort, you think he'd be all soft and cuddly, but in reality he's a bit of a cold fish. Kind of the opposite to you Elijah. Maybe in the next film we'll get you to play Pip and he can play Frodo, what do you think? "

 

He looks full face at the camera, "Believe it people, 'lil Pip is one shrewd businessman, Mr. Sushi - get it?! Sushi - cold fish!" He pauses. "Me; I'm as you see me, no catches, what you see is what you get, no bones about it. You want ice, you go to Billy. You want fire - I'm you're man. Ah, what am I saying this for? He's my best buddy."

 

He yells out to Billy's distant figure.

 

"Bills, you're my best buddy!" Then aside to Elijah. "You too, of course..."

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

Elijah grabs Dom and puts him in a headlock.

 

"You got the 'cold fish Sushi' thing from the Blade Runner movie, Dom - and that's the third time you've used it this week. Now…" Elijah gently pries the shades off of Dom's face.

 

"Tell me just how you came by that lovely black eye?"

 

Dom's left eye is a delicate shade of purple and the bruise marks above his eyebrow are shaped remarkably like a person's knuckles.

 

He chuckles nervously, "Okay, I went too far…so what else is new?"

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

The camera pans around the side of the make-up trailer, somebody giggles. It comes to a small, secluded area, pans left a little and there's the sound of frantic kissing. A final slip to the left and Billy is revealed, locked in a passionate embrace with Dom.

 

Sensing the camera he whips around so that his body blocks Dom from view and tries to cover the lens with his right palm. There's a lot of joggling before the screen goes black, and Dom can be heard wailing:

 

"We're just good friends!"

 

FADE OUT

 

FADE IN

 

The credits roll across a still shot of Bill which is interspersed with short cut scenes of the documentary.

 

ANDY: Opens an oddly shaped package, only to reveal a rabbit skin loin cloth--shouts of laughter are heard from behind camera.

 

SEAN BEAN: Combs gel through his well-slicked hair. Self-absorbed, he licks the comb, and then runs, gagging, to the bathroom.

 

LIV: Is seen cutting the ribbon at the opening of the new store. She is wearing a large purple chicken costume.

 

ELIJAH: Is sorting though a wide array of fan mail.

 

MIRANDA: Is seen marking a graduate's paper on cold fusion. Chopin plays in the background.

 

BILLY: Screams obscenities into his cell phone, finishing off with a "Double pepperoni this time!"

 

CATE: Is still locked in the bathroom.

 

SEAN ASTIN: Is eating a bowl of cereal, listening to his phone messages. “Hello, Sean? This is Christine…you know, your WIFE.” He looks guiltily at the camera.

 

ORLANDO: Walks away across the Rivendel set. There is a sign taped to his back. It reads: 'KICK ME - YES, PRECIOUS!'

 

DOM: Gets up from a sun bed, clutching a towel to his stomach. Little realizing there's a mirror behind him...

 

VIGGO: Fits Elijah's gap-creating device into his mouth. He grins into the camera. There is a loud 'TWANG' and he runs off screaming.

 

JOHN: Hangs awkwardly in the background as Viggo runs passed shouting something along the lines of "MEDIC!"

 

IAN: Is watching “Queer as Folk” re-runs. He gives the camera a long lazy smile, and a wink.

 

FADE OUT