After Falling - 7

[sparklytiara.livejournal.com]

Title: After Falling 7/?
Author: Ami
Pairing: BB/DM
Rating: R
Summary: They've already fallen. It's getting back up that's the problem.
Disclaimer: It never happened. But it could. ^_-
Author's Notes: Chapters 1-6 can be found here. Italics signify a flashback. And massive snogging to everyone who commented on my last fic because you all made me cry rock. =)



After Falling - 7

Billy was running out of options when it came to Dom. He couldn’t talk to Dom, not about their relationship. Every time he tried to approach the subject, it ended, it always ended, with stony silence, a complaint of, “do we *have* to talk about this now?”, or, in Billy’s favorite method of avoidance, sex.

Billy could at least take reassurance in the fact that he wasn’t the only one unwilling to talk.

And he would have taken reassurance if not for one small fact. Billy wanted to talk. In fact, Billy *needed* to talk.

Billy’s emotions had been in a constant state of distress since his conversation with Elijah and his own internal revelation. He was lost, completely lost, and he needed someone to guide him more than ever. And he didn’t know who to turn to.

Elijah would tell him to have a fag, tell Dom he loved him, and then shag like monkeys. Not very helpful in the long wrong, thanks for nothing, Lij, you little turd. (No, Billy was not resentful of the fact that Elijah had pointed out some very true facts about himself, so just shut up.)

Sean would tell him to buy a dog and have children, because, “being a father is truly one of the most rewarding and enriching experiences a man can have in his lifetime.” Which was probably true, but Billy would rather sort his own life out before he even attempted to drag a child into the mix (and then, consequently, fuck up the child’s life too. Lovely, Bill. Just lovely).

So that scratched out Lij and Sean.

Orlando? If he could catch him between making blockbusters and photo ops. And what would Orli say, anyway? "Um, er, I don’t know, maybe you should just break up for good?” Orlando was crap at giving advice, an armadillo would be more helpful.

Armadillos were, Billy assumed, very stupid. But he could be wrong. Billy wasn’t on speaking terms with any armadillos at the moment.

He could call Liv, Billy supposed. But that probably wouldn’t work, she’d just bubble over with happiness about her marriage. And then Billy would pour out his sob story. Then she’d be sympathetic and distressed for him. And then the next thing Billy knew, she’d be flying out to hold his hand and just make him feel like a regular schmuck for being pathetic and disrupting her life.

So scratch Liv and Orli.

It was then, sitting on his bed, staring at the phone, that it hit him. Ian. Of course. Why hadn’t he thought of Ian before? Ian was old, wise, and most importantly, Ian was gay.

If anyone could offer Billy guidance, it would be Ian.

Thrilled with his own logic, Billy picked up the phone and began a dialing. A few moments later, he was plunged into a tirade of Ian was *not* Dear bloody Abby, that Ian’s sole purpose was *not* to provide counsel for every gay actor to ever walk the planet, and Ian did *not* like to be interrupted during his morning coffee. And then, in the same breath, “how are you doing, dear boy?”

Billy blinked stupidly at the phone. Why was calling Ian a good idea again?

“Billy?”

Dazed, Billy brought the receiver back to his ear and said, “Ian, I think I might be in love with him.”

“Think?” Ian said (or actually, growled) into the phone. “All this nonsense of I love, he loves, you love - it’s ridiculous, really. I hate to be the one to break it to you, Billy, but love does not come wrapped in a neat package with a pretty bow. That’s the watered-down, fairy-tale, Disney version. They lead you to believe that love comes prancing in on a white horse in shining armor - but that’s not true. Not in this life. In this reality, sometimes you just have to close your eyes and *risk* it.”

Billy’s eyes were closed and he swallowed audibly against the sudden lump in his throat. “I...I...” he began, but stopped, afraid of the tears he’d kept hidden from the time Dom had left, a year ago, that were threatening to finally fall.

“Yes,” Ian pressed gently, his voice soft, gentle.

“I think I want to take that risk,” Billy said, his voice little more than a breath of air. “I want to take that risk with Dom, Ian,” he whispered. And oh God! It was such a relief to say it, to finally accept it, to finally *know*, Billy nearly broke own in tears right then. Oh God. He could *breathe* again.

“I’m glad to hear it Billy. I truly am.” And Billy could see Ian’s smile, pleased and knowing, from where he sat on his bed in Scotland, grinding the heel of his palm against his forehead, telling himself, don’t cry, don’t *cry*.

Finally, Billy gave a tremulous smile and spoke again. “Yeah? Me too.”

“Good luck Billy.”

“Thanks Ian.” And with that, Billy hung up, still smiling quietly to himself. He needed to be alone, quiet for this moment. He needed to fully realize what he was going to say to Dom.

He was going to tell Dom that he *loved* him.

Finally, finally, finally, he was going to say those word to Dom, the same words he should have said so many months ago. And then Dom...and then, Billy didn’t know what came next exactly. Except that he could finally breathe again. He could finally give his mind, his emotions, a moment of peace. Finally.

And Billy laughed to think of it. He couldn’t contain his almost hysterical joy over the idea of finally being able to let go of so much pain, hurt, and so he laughed, loudly, until he could barely breathe.

It was the sound of his laughter that drew Dom out of wherever he’d been lurking and into Billy’s bedroom. Dom appeared in the doorway, “What are *you* laughing at, Boyd?” and then threw himself at the bed, at Billy. His hands captured Billy, pulled him to him and laid him flat on the bed as he threw a leg over Billy, told him sternly to stop squirming, and then held him in place with his legs and gave Billy a through tickling with his hands until tears ran down Billy’s face and he convulsed with silent laughter.

Grinning, Dom rolled off of Billy, allowed him a minute or two to catch his breath before demanding, “So, what was so funny?”

Billy didn’t answer though, only smiled gently at Dom before leaning forward to press a soft kiss to Dom’s confused lips. “I have something to tell you,” he whispered against Dom’s lips.

“Really?” Dom smiled, leaned forward to kiss Billy again. “I have something to tell you too,” he added, drawing away again. There was a flicker of mischief in his eyes and Billy smiled back, intrigued.

“You go first,” Billy said, still whispering, and pulled away from Dom. The smile remained and he looked at Dom expectantly. “Go on. Tell.”

“I’m going home Tuesday,” Dom announced and his face took on an excited look. “The flat I’ve been waiting for, the tenants finally moved out, and-.”

Billy stared at Dom, nodded weakly even as his smile faded away and the light in his eyes dimmed. Dom was chattering on, but Billy wasn’t registering a word he said. He could only hear Dom’s voice, saying those words again and again.

I’m going home Tuesday.

Dom was...leaving.

Suddenly, Billy felt like vomiting, crying, punching Dom, and holding Dom close, all at once.

Dom was leaving him.

And hearing it a third time hurt even more than that first unexpected blow.

---

“Billy?”

“Yeah Dom?” Billy rolls over, bumps into Dom. “Oops. Sorry.”

“S’okay.” Instead of moving away, Dom inches closer until he’s the one bumping, nudges Billy with his elbow until Billy sighs and opens his arms up to Dom. Dom smiles, wraps himself up in Billy, and sighs against the juncture between Billy’s neck and shoulder.

“Comfortable?”

“Very.” Dom grins and presses a gentle kiss to the spot. Billy gives a hum of pleasure, his skin vibrating under Dom’s lips and his hands stroke idly at Dom’s back. “Billy?”

“What is it Dom?” Billy’s voice is sleepy, the movements of his hands across Dom’s back growing slower, more drowsy.

Dom mumbles something unintelligible into Billy’s neck.

“Eh?” Billy blinks and he pats at Dom’s back, a little disoriented, trying to bring him back to himself, to Dom. “What’d you say?”

“I said...I think I’m gonna be leaving. Soon.”

“How soon is soon?” Billy sounds a little more awake, now. A little upset. “In five minutes? Tomorrow? Another week?”

Again, an unintelligible mumble into Billy’s neck.

Billy frowns, pries Dom off of him and sits up. His forehead creases as he frowns, glares almost, at Dom. “When are you leaving, Dom?” And ice drips off his words.

Dom cringes inwardly, but gives Billy a brilliant smile. “I don’t know. Day after tomorrow, maybe?”

“Maybe?” Billy’s frown deepens.

“All right. I’m leaving the day after tomorrow, on the three o’clock flight.” Dom tears his eyes away from Billy’s, tries to focus on the bed, the floor, the window, anything but Billy. But he finds his eyes drawn back and he sees Billy, sad and broken, a noticeable droop to his lips and a dejected gleam to his eyes. “Hey.” Dom smiles and move close to Billy again, winding one arm around the other man and drawing him close.

“Hey yourself.” Billy sighs and rests his head against Dom’s gently. “I miss you when you’re gone.”

“I miss me too.”

Billy rolls his eyes and starts to pull away from Dom, but is stopped by Dom’s hand on his shoulder. “Everything is a joke, isn’t it, Dommie?” he asks. And his voice is sad.

“Well, not *everything* per se...”

“Almost *everything* is, per se.”

“Aw, Billy.” Dom reaches out and pulls him close again, pressing his lips to Billy’s forehead. “You know I miss you too.”

And now would be the perfect time for Billy to ask Dom to *stay*. But he doesn’t. And Dom doesn’t mention it either, only strokes his fingers down the inside of Billy’s arm and observes, “You’re cute when you frown.”

To Dom’s intense pleasure, Billy’s frown becomes a full out scowl. “I am not *cute*.” Only his accent’s thicker when he’s sleepy. So it sounds much less threatening then it was meant to sound and makes Dom laugh before leaning forward to kiss Billy.

“Yes, you are.” Dom insists, and his hand comes up to trace the lines of Billy’s scowl with the tip of one finger. “Perfectly...adorable.”

Billy’s jaw drops and he nearly shouts with the indignity. “I am not adorable!”

“Yeah you are.” Dom ignores Billy’s silent fuming and grins, continues. “You’ve got a cute little nose.”

“Shut up,” Billy grumbles even as Dom’s lips brush at the tip of the feature.

“And a cute little face.”

“I’m serious. Shut UP.” Dom’s lips graze Billy’s cheek.

“And look, you’ve got a cute mouth too.” Dom smiled at Billy before leaning in and kissing him. Billy smiles against Dom’s lips, a bit reluctantly, and sighs, reaching up with one hand to pull Dom closer to him, deepening the kiss until Dom is moaning, one hand clawing at the sheets, the other gripping Billy, desperately.

“You sound cute when you moan,” Billy whispers, his voice low, throaty, and his accent thick in Dom’s ear.

God. Dom loves his voice.

“Don’t take my lines,” Dom scolds and he grins at Billy, and there is more than just mischief in his eyes, there is *promise*. “Know what else is cute?”

“Tell me,” Billy says and his eyes reflect the promise in Dom’s as Dom’s hand makes its way beneath the sheets, rests on top of Billy’s stomach lightly.

“Better yet, I’ll show you.” And Dom’s smile remains even as his hand slides down over Billy’s stomach to close over the beginnings of his erection.

And Billy sighs and closes his eyes and tries to forget that Dom will be leaving soon.

---

Billy didn’t want a replay of last year’s episode. He didn’t want to swallow his words back and just kiss Dom and fuck him and pretend that, this is okay.

Because it wasn’t okay.

It wasn’t okay that Dom was leaving. It wasn’t okay that Dom was leaving and probably wouldn’t speak to Billy again for another year. It wasn’t okay that they couldn’t speak now.

There was *nothing* okay about the situation.

And Billy was helpless at changing it.

He didn’t want to tell Dom he loved him now. Because what if Dom left anyway? And then, this time, never came back?

Oh God.

It was better to say nothing and keep Dom close to him than risk everything and drive Dom away.

Safer.

Easier.

Billy was a coward. And he knew it. And it made him sick to think of it. But what was he supposed to do, in the end?

Love.

Billy was tired of that word. If he loved Dom, if this was love, Billy didn’t want any part of it . He didn’t want this hurt, this ache, the almost painful happiness when Dom was near and then the way his life fell apart when Dom was gone. He didn’t want to spend his life always wanting to know where Dom was, what Dom was doing, who Dom was with. If Dom was happy with Billy or if Dom wanted more. If he had made the right choice in staying with Dom.

Billy didn’t want any part in it at *all*.

So he stayed quiet, helped Dom wash his clothes, pack his suitcases, and gave him a couple books for waiting in crowded airports and bought him a CD for the flight. And then he made Dom a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch on Monday. The day before Dom was to leave. And he stood there, in the middle of the kitchen, staring at the sandwich in his hands.

She said something about it being care and love...

But Dom wasn’t a kid. He wouldn’t think of it being more than a sandwich. That Billy was just slapping a sandwich together because he was already in the kitchen, because that was the sort of thing Billy did. He wouldn’t take a peanut butter sandwich as being an eternal symbol of love.

Billy smiled and shook his head. Nobody would. It was just a sandwich for Christ sake. It was *lunch*. It wasn’t a fucking symbol of *anything*. And he shouldn’t think of it being like that. Because it *wasn’t*.

“Here.” Billy dropped the sandwich in front of Dom on his way to the other side of the table, holding his own lunch. Some kind of microwaveable meal. Billy frowned and poked his fork at his lunch.

If anything, he was going to miss Dom’s cooking.

“Thanks.” Dom reached for the sandwich, picked it up and studied it for a moment, a smile flickering across his face. He put it to his lips, changed his mind, and then sat the sandwich back down on the paper napkin Billy had brought with it.

“Something the matter with it?” Billy asked, watching as Dom lifted it again and then put it back down without taking a bite. He sighed. He really was falling apart if he couldn’t make a proper sandwich anymore. Miserable, Billy stabbed at his microwave meal again. Disgusting piece of sludge. How had he ever managed to eat it before?

“No. It’s fine.” Dom looked at the sandwich again and smiled at it.

Was Dom falling in love with the sandwich? Because he certainly was looking like he was.

“Hey Billy.” Dom spoke abruptly, just as Billy was about to suggest he and the sandwich move into the bedroom.

“Hey Dommie.”

“You sure you don’t remember anything about that night?”

“Which night?” Billy looked up from his microwaveable sludge and watched, curious, as Dom’s fingers toyed with the sandwich. Still smiling down at it. Maybe he was going to propose to it next? Billy wondered what a sandwich would do with a ring.

“The night you got drunk.”

“Oh. *That* night.” Billy thought. He had vague memories of singing, of being propelled up the stairs and into bed by Dom. He remembered saying something...something...but he wasn’t sure exactly what it was. “Why? Did I propose or something? You want me to make an honest man out of you, is that it, Dom?”

Please say yes.

Billy scowled at his subconscious’s interjection and resumed stabbing his lunch with his fork.

“Not exactly.” Dom’s eyes flickered up to meet Billy’s and he smiled again, widely, brightly at Billy. “You just said something...”

“...Whatever I said, I was drunk. I’m sure that whatever I was saying I didn’t mean.” Billy shrugged and forced himself to take a bite. Not bad. For microwaveable sludge.

“Yeah.” Dom gave a slightly forced-sounding laugh. “You probably didn’t mean it at all.” His smiled faded a bit and resolutely, he reached out, grabbed his sandwich, and took a bite.

“What’d I say?”

“That I was the best you’d ever had.”

“Well I was definitely drunk then.” Billy smirked at Dom. Dom grinned back. And for a moment, Billy was able to forget that Dom was leaving tomorrow.

TBC