If I Die (part 13)

[dani-grl4.livejournal.com]

Title: If I Die (part 13)
Author: dani_grl4
Pairing: Dom/Billy
Rating: R
Disclaimer: So glad this isn’t true.
Feedback: Is very appreciated. Okay I’m a h0r! for it. Smooches to all those who have given such lovely feedback so far.
Warning: Angst. As ever, despite the title, there is no death.
Summary: Billy and Elijah have a chat.
A/N: Giant hugs and lots of love to canciona, who continues to tell me she loves this story and I have no idea why she’s humouring me but she is, so let’s go with it, eh?

Prologue, Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9a / Part 9b / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12



Chapter 13

“What a fucking mess. Your friends are pigs. And alcoholics, I hasten to add,” Elijah says, shaking his head as he surveys the mountains of empty beer bottles scattered throughout Dom and Billy’s home, which currently cover every available surface.

“Elijah, mate, I never saw you without a beer in one hand, and at some points both hands, all night,” Dom mumbles as he starts to clean up.

“Like I said, your friends are pigs and alcoholics,” Elijah says, winking at Billy who’s sat on the couch, exhausted.

“Oi, play nice you two,” Billy laughs. “It was so great seeing everyone though, wasn’t it? I can’t believe how many people flew thousands of miles to see me so soon. It’s really touching,” Billy smiles, remembering the tears in Peter’s eyes when he hugged him for the first time that evening – the first of many times. Fran, whispering ‘Thank God’ over and over in his ear as she too hugged him close. Cast and crew members, not only from Rings, but from the other movies and plays he’s done as well. Billy was overwhelmed at the enormity of everyone’s kindness and concern.

“Well, they love you Bill. We all do,” Dom says, standing over him as Billy slumps further down into the couch. “But you look like you’re ready for bed, so why don’t I help you do that now, and then I’ll finish cleaning up.”

“Uh, guys – I’ll do the cleaning up out here if you let me crash on your couch for tonight. I’m exhausted, and maybe slightly drunk.”

“Slightly?” Dom glances at Elijah, who’s using the wall to support himself. “Never mind cleaning up, just go to sleep, Lij,” Dom says, shaking his head and leading Billy up to their bedroom. “Goodnight, you bloody lush!” Dom calls over to Elijah, who’s already passed out on the sofa.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Billy wakes up to find, as he has done for the past week he’s been home, Dom fast asleep, curled up, at the foot of the bed. Billy has fallen asleep before Dom every night this week due to his pain medication, which sends him right off. So he’s not sure, but he suspects that Dom sits there and watches him sleep until he passes out himself, only from complete sleep deprivation. Once Billy awakens though, Dom gets up with him, and his exhaustion is starting to show in the dark circles under his eyes. Billy asked Dom once, and only once, why he does this. Dom answered him so matter-of-factly that it scared Billy a bit. Or actually quite a lot.

“I have to make sure you don’t have anymore nightmares,” Dom had said, obviously remembering when Billy had that nightmare in hospital. Billy knew there was no arguing with him at that point but clearly this can’t continue, or Dom will make himself ill.

Billy shakes his head and gently caresses Dom’s face before putting the duvet over him and shutting the door quietly as he leaves. Maybe he can talk to Elijah before Dom wakes up. He looked so absolutely drained; Billy reckons Dom could sleep all day, provided he doesn’t find out Billy’s awake.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He walks quietly and slowly - due to his still-healing body – downstairs, only to find Elijah already awake and making coffee.

“Good morning, Lijah. Mind if we chat for a bit?” he says as he pads sleepily into the kitchen.

“’Morning, Bill. Anything. What do you need?” Billy forgets what he’s about to ask for just a second as Elijah’s eager eyes stare into his own from across the kitchen. Elijah would do anything - anything for them both. He must have gone through so much pain and exhaustion being with Dom all day long as he suffered, not knowing where Billy was. The emotional toll it must have taken on Elijah had to be huge, yet no one has asked him how he’s doing, Billy reckons. He doesn’t have a ‘Dom’ at home to watch him sleep at night, when one’s deepest fears and worst memories creep in.

“Biiiiilly” Elijah sings, smiling his gap-toothed smile at him. “You needed something?”

Billy sits at the table and makes a mental note to send Elijah the biggest ‘Thank you’ card known to man. And possibly send him on a much-deserved holiday where there is no one to drain him of the emotional support he provides so freely, without question.

“No, I don’t need anything, Lijah. I just fancy a chat.”

“Okay then, talk to me. What’s up?” Elijah puts two mugs down on the table and sits across from Billy.

“First of all, if this is hard for you to talk about, or if you feel like you’re in any way betraying Dom by answering my questions, you don’t have to.”

“Fair enough,” Elijah says, nodding slowly.

“But I want you to know that the reason I’m asking is because it’s important for me to know, Lijah. And though some of these things might be hard to hear, well, I’m sure they will be. But in any case, I need to know some things. It’s doing more harm than good keeping them from me. Specifically, it’s hurting Dom. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, it does Billy. Just ask me.” In the back of his mind, Elijah already knows he’s in so much trouble with Dom because there’s no way he can lie to Billy, and he doesn’t want to lie. He wants Billy to help Dom because he’s the only one that can help him. Nevertheless, Dom will all but rip Elijah’s balls off if he thinks Elijah has said anything that might remotely upset Billy.

“Okay, first, what happened to all the dishes and pictures that used to hang on that wall?” Billy points over his shoulder.

“Ah. Right. Well, Dom was feeling particularly frustrated that day and he, um, threw a chair. It broke some stuff,” Elijah adds, unnecessarily. He starts thinking about the things Billy is going to ask. The memories of Dom’s violent outbursts; crying for hours – did Billy want to know all of that? It brought a pain to Elijah’s chest remembering those long days and nights when he couldn’t hold Dom tight enough, and there wasn’t enough tissue in the world to wipe away his tears. What the hell would that do to Billy to hear? He’d just have to be careful with his words…

“Some of those dishes belonged to my grandparents and my parents,” Billy says quietly.

“I know Billy. Dom felt so bad the next day-”

“I’m not upset about the dishes.” Billy waves his hand dismissively. “I’m trying to understand what Dom must have been feeling to do that, knowing those dishes were irreplaceable. I’ve never seen him so angry that he would throw things, you know?” He trails off, shutting his eyes, imagining gentle Dom becoming aggressive. He doesn’t like it, and he feels anger welling inside him once more. So many of his loved ones have suffered because of this.

“Billy, think about this. Do you really want to know these things?" Elijah watches Billy breathe deeply and slowly, still with his eyes closed. "I mean, really think about what you’re asking for. You must know on some level that Dom went through absolute hell. He cried for you, hoped you’d come back any second and considered what it would be like if they found your dead body.”

Billy closes his eyes tighter, trying to block out an image of Dom, completely broken and shattered. “And that was all in the span of any given minute,” Elijah continues. “He was completely devastated Billy, but I don’t think it’s my place to tell you the details of that. I think if Dom wants to-”

“Tell me about his scars,” Billy interrupts, opening his eyes to look at Elijah.

Elijah’s shocked that they haven’t talked about this. Surely Billy would have seen the scars a while ago. They’ve been at home together for a week. He had to have gotten it out of Dom by now. “No, Billy. Dom should-”

“Lijah, he won’t and you know it. Now tell me. I have to know.”

“Why? Why do you need to know? It will just make you feel helpless and guilty, Billy. I know you. But what happened isn’t your fault and it’s over now.”

“Is it though?” Billy sighs and holds onto his cup of coffee.

“What do you mean?”

“He’s not well.”

“Fuck, Billy, you both need time-”

“No, Elijah, I mean Dom isn’t healing at all. We’re not healing. Not connecting. If anything, Dom’s just getting worse.”

“How do you mean?” Elijah feels a bit of anger, which only serves to make him feel guilty, thinking about the last time he yelled at Dom. It was at the station, right before they were told the FBI couldn’t locate Billy. But he wants Dom to get better, and fuck, he thought he was doing enough to help him. Clearly not. Well, he’ll do more.

“You and I can’t help him,” Billy says, reading Elijah’s thoughts as clear as words across his face. “Elijah, he doesn’t sleep. He just watches me. All night. He doesn’t eat. Every waking minute for him is spent making sure I’m as comfortable as possible. It’s almost like he’s trying to make something up to me. Like he feels guilty for what happened. But that’s ridiculous, isn’t it? He has no reason to be.” Billy shakes his head.

“He thinks it’s his fault,” Elijah says quietly, no longer caring if Dom gets angry about what he’s saying to Billy. He does have a right to know. They both love him. They only want to help him. Fuck, but Dom’s going to be pissed.

“What? Why on Earth-”

“Apparently he was flirting with some people the night you were kidnapped. Trying to make you jealous, I gather. You got annoyed, went off to the bathroom. And that’s when you were taken.” Elijah looks sympathetically at Billy.

Billy sits there with his mouth open, genuinely shocked and at a loss for words. He wants to tell Elijah that’s crazy, that he knew Dom was in a mood because he missed Billy and didn’t like him being away. That he would have gone to the loo anyway at that moment, and that it’s so useless for Dom to blame himself. Billy sure doesn’t blame him.

“And he feels like it was his fault you were there to begin with since you skipped out of work early 'cause he guilted you into coming back to L.A.,” Elijah adds.

“Lij, I don’t know what to say. I had no idea he blamed himself. I never would have even remembered him flirting with anyone if you hadn’t said that. As for me coming back early, I wanted to do that. I wanted to be with Dom. He didn’t guilt me into anything.”

“I know that, but you have to understand that Dom isn’t being logical. He isn’t himself at all, and I for one didn’t even know he blamed himself for your kidnapping until after you were found. Maybe if I’d known before, I could have helped him stop those thoughts.” Elijah shakes his head. “But he didn’t tell me. I just thought he was worried for you, and he was that, but he also massively hated himself as well, and that I did not know.”

“I feel so bad for him, Elijah,” he says, desperate and helpless to stop what has started in Dom’s head.

“I do too Billy, but remember – you went through a traumatic experience of your own. Don’t minimise that. Don’t forget all that you've been through.”

“Yes, but I knew that I was alive, do you know what I mean? I knew that Dom was probably being taken care of around the clock. Which he clearly was, and I can’t tell you again how grateful I am, to you and everyone for being there when he needed it the most.” Elijah waves this away – of course they were there for Dom. They wouldn’t have been anywhere else.

“It was worse for Dom because he came a lot closer to losing me in his mind. He didn’t know what was happening to me, didn’t know if I was even alive. But as long as I stayed alive I knew we’d be together again. And yes, there were times that I thought I was going to die. Times I thought I’d never see Dom again and they were awful. But in a way, I had more control than Dom did. He was so unaware of what was happening to me. I can’t imagine what he went through, Elijah, I really can’t. But I want to understand. I want him to open up to me.”

Elijah thinks about what Billy’s saying, wishing and hoping that Dom will come around. “I think it hurt him that he couldn’t save you, in a way, as well. Like, he feels as though it was his fault that you were kidnapped, and then on top of that he couldn’t do anything to find you, to bring you home. It’s irrational, I know. But it sounds like he’s trying to make up for that, maybe.” Elijah shrugs sadly, not really knowing what to tell Billy anymore.

“I’m not a bloody damsel in distress, Lij. I don’t need him to save me. I need him to be with me now.”

“He’s trying,” Elijah says softly.

“He won’t touch me, you know," Billy confesses. "Every time I try to hug him or kiss him he pulls away and runs off to get me a pill or something to eat. I just want him back,” he says, sadly. “He doesn’t need to protect me. He just needs to be Dom.”

“You know how he is, Billy – protective of everyone he loves. And as it’s you, well, it’s about a thousand times worse. It sickens him that someone hurt you in that way. He can’t get rid of those images.”

Billy looks up quickly. “So, he’s talked to you about how he feels since I’ve been back, then?” He feels inexplicably jealous of Elijah right now. Dom used to confide in Billy every thought that entered his head. Now he barely manages to look Billy in the eye, and it’s like a knife through his chest each time Dom pulls away from him.

Elijah starts to feel uncomfortable, knowing it stings that Dom continues to confide only in Elijah, and not Billy. “A bit, Billy. He doesn’t want to cause you anymore stress.”

“Tell me about those scars on his arm,” Billy says in a tone that demands an answer. He stares at Elijah, resolutely.

Elijah sighs, knowing he has no choice in this, and shit, he hates being in the middle of any tense situation. Especially one between Billy and Dom. He knows, though, and he isn’t wrong, that Billy will not let him rest until he finds out what happened that night.

“It happened after you were missing for about a month. I was asleep on the couch. I, uh, I-I found him. In the bathroom. Unconscious.” Elijah finds that he can’t look at Billy’s eyes. He let Billy and everyone else down that night by not taking better care of Dom, and God, if it had been worse than it was…

“How bad was it, Lij?” Billy interrupts Elijah’s thoughts.

“Luckily, not as bad as I thought it would be when I found him. He stayed one night in the hospital.”

“And they just let him go, just like that? Was he, ehm – was he trying to kill himself, then?” Billy looks down at the table, desperate not to hear the word ‘Yes’.

“Well, he got a psychiatric referral but under the circumstances, the doctors weren’t surprised. And um, I don’t think so. He told me he just wanted to feel something again. I think he felt numb at that point. I’m not sure though. I've always had my suspicions that he did want to die, but he wouldn't admit it to me. See Billy, this is why you need to make him talk to you about it.”

“Did he ever go see a therapist?” Billy says, ignoring Elijah’s last statement. Talking to Dom right now is useless. He’s completely closed off to Billy emotionally. So distant now, in fact, he’s almost unreachable.

“No, Billy. Dom never made it out of bed most days.”

“I see,” Billy nods. “Well I think he may need to see someone. Professionally. I think we may need to see someone together as well. That’s not such a bad idea, eh?”

“That might be good. I hope it does help. And Billy?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Billy looks up, slightly surprised.

“For not taking care of Dom more. That night and in general. Clearly he’s still a wreck. I should have done more for him somehow, but he was so hard to reach sometimes, Billy. I know most of what I said to him, he never even heard.”

“Oh, Lijah.” Billy reaches across the table for Elijah’s hand. “I may not know the details of what Dom went through yet, but even with the little that I do know, it’s clear that Dom wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for you. You took care of him in a way that I don’t think anyone else could have and I’m so grateful for all that you’ve done. Really, Elijah. You’ve been an amazing friend, and you continue to be even now. We would both be lost without you. I mean that with all my heart.” And he does. Any fleeting thoughts of jealousy he had previously are gone now. It's more a frustration with the situation than any real jealousy. “Besides, no one expects you to have babysat Dom the whole time. He’s an adult. He chose to cut himself.”

That very thought is still so foreign to Billy.

“Elijah, I need to ask you something, and if ever I needed you to be honest, it’s now.”

Elijah already knows what Billy has to ask him, and he doesn’t want to think of that at all. But like most things that have happened these past few months, he knows he has to face it. “I don’t know if he’s capable of hurting himself again, Billy, and that’s the honest truth. I simply don’t know. I know he's so happy to have you back, but he’s absolutely terrified. He doesn't want to lose you again. He knows all too well what it's like to lose you, and he knows he couldn’t live through it again.”

“But he didn’t lose me, Elijah. I’m right here, and yet he’s pushing me away.”

“He tried to be positive, but I know in a way, he feared that you were dead, and a part of him just gave up. Especially towards the end, right before they found you. That was scary shit for him, for everyone, with the phone calls, and not knowing if they could trace the call and find you. I knew if something had happened to you, we’d be burying you both.”

“Don’t say that.” Elijah's just being dramatic. That's what he does.

“No Billy, he said that. He told me he wanted to be buried with you, in Scotland.”

Billy remembers that day, so long ago now, when he took Dom to visit his parents’ graves. It was such a defining moment to him, so important that he take Dom to see them, and for them to see how happy he is with Dom. Billy was nervous about mentioning his wishes to be buried in Scotland. He couldn’t explain why he wanted to be buried there, really, because he would be dead and he wouldn’t know the difference. But somehow he thought his parents would want him there with them. He’d wanted to discuss it with Dom, find out what his wishes after his own death were. Certainly he wanted to be buried near Dom as well. These were just things he thought they should talk about, as a couple. But when Dom said he would be buried in Scotland as well because his own life would be over when Billy’s ended, well, he didn’t really consider that Dom literally meant that. But of course he meant it. Dom loved Billy as much as Billy loved him and Billy couldn’t contemplate a life without Dom either. But then, he’s never had to.

Billy’s thoughts are interrupted as he realises then what Elijah is implying. That Dom was suicidal right before Billy was found, less than two weeks ago. But that can’t be right. As much as he loves Billy, Dom would still find a way to go on, surely. He would know that Billy would never want him to take his own life because of him. Dom made a mistake, he hurt himself, but that’s as far as he would go. He can't have meant it.

Could he?

“No," Billy decides. "Dom would never do that. He loves life too much, you know that better than anyone.” Billy says this, but looks at Elijah with a question in his eyes. He prays that Elijah will confirm that no, indeed, Dom would not do this. Not take his own life.

But Elijah does not. Can not. Instead, he smiles sadly and shrugs. “Ah, silly Billy. He loves you more.”