Citations

[perfect-oasis.livejournal.com]

Title: Citations
Author: The Phantom Writer silentnumbsmoke
Pairing: DM/BB, with mention of BB/Ali
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: I'd really appreciate it!
Disclaimer: It's all pretend.
Notes: 1: Beta'd by the wonderful arabella_o!

This was written for __sarah's challenge! It's a day late (excused by __sarah herself!), due to many beta confusions. ;)

My words were lotion, yoga mat, and rocky road.

'Tis angst-turn-fluff, I suppose.




“This isn’t goodbye, Dom.”

Closing his eyes in a vain attempt to block out the world, Dominic took a deep, shuddering breath. When he forced his eyes open again, he bit his bottom lip to keep the threatening tears from falling. “Coulda fooled me.” The bags by the front door broke his heart, and the pieces shattered a little more with each step Billy took toward them. Toward them and away from Dom.

Billy's sad smile told Dom that this wasn't easy on him, either. His decision had taken many sleepless nights and many trips to a therapist (who by now had several yachts and a mansion in the hills, courtesy of Billy's bank account), not to mention the tears it had taken to get to this point.

"This is only a hiatus, Dom. You need to get back on your feet, to learn how to
be independent again. You've grown too dependant on me, Dominic. And I... well... I need to see what it is I need in my life."

“Ali?” Dom asked bitterly. He’d always been so sure that he could, and would, give Billy everything he ever wanted or needed. And then… then he found that what Billy craved was a domestic life. A home (check), pets (maybe pets a little more normal than Gizmo and Witchitar… “Have you ever thought about getting a dog, Dom?”), children (he’d suggested adoption many times, but Billy seemed bent on the idea of holding a child, seeing his green eyes shining back at him)… and a wife (he could… wait, no, he couldn’t).

Billy shrugged uncomfortably. “It might be Ali, yes. But…” he reached out, placing a hand on Dom’s arm, which was still crossed protectively across his chest. “I could find out that I’m going insane and what I need is you.”

“Or,” Dominic countered, his eyes seemingly stuck on the luggage (luggage stuffed to the brim with memories, scents and tastes that all meant Billy), “you might choose Ali.”

“It’s a possibility, yes,” Billy hesitated, closing his eyes against the awkward silence that surrounded them. Sighing, he pulled the door open and shrugged one of his bags onto his shoulder. He grabbed as many bags as he was able to, knowing full well that it simply an excuse to avoid physical contact with the man who wanted nothing more than one last hug goodbye.

“D’you want me to drive you to the airport?”

“I’ve already called the taxi, Dom,” Billy reminded gently, shifting his bags from hand to hand restlessly.

“Oh,” Dom fidgeted horribly, diverting his gaze to the ground. “Right.”

“Dom,” Billy began slowly, watching his friend carefully. “I think you shouldn’t come down with me.”

Although he opened his mouth to protest, Dom nodded dejectedly. “If that’s what you want, Billy.”

“Aye.” Billy bounced his leg to a beat only he could hear. “Well, Dom…” His voice trailed off.

Dominic leapt forward and caught Billy in a tight embrace. “Goodbye, Billy,” he croaked, tears catching in his throat.

Billy took a deep breath and was greeted with a scent that was uniquely Dom: a bit of spice from his cologne, mixed with the fruity smell from the lotion Orlando had gotten him for Christmas. Pulling back reluctantly, Billy shook his head. “Let’s not say goodbye, let’s just say au revoir.” Grinning, he raised an eyebrow. “Cite: ‘What’s Up, Doc?’”

Tuesday was Movie Night. Every Tuesday, without fail, they would walk to the video store and pick up one movie (only one, so they sometimes spent up to an hour battling it out before coming to a final decision). They chose a different genre every week and they would watch it while sitting on one of Dom's yoga mats. The mats were useful for a variety of things besides contortionism, and they were more comfortable than the floor, especially if the movie was particularly boring or arousing. There was something to be said for not having to relocate to the bedroom. Billy and Dom would spend the two hours mocking the slip ups, observing things no one else would ever notice. (The conversations would inevitably include some or all of the following: “In my professional opinion, she needs a slip.” “Do you think the co-stars were fucking each other off set?” “Mein Gott, Billy, that is a terrible German accent. Oh, mute it, mute it!”). No matter how good or bad the movie, they would both stock a few movie quotes in their memory. They both had an unusual habit of citing the movies they quoted.

As Billy took the final step through the doorway out of Dominic’s apartment, he turned just in time to see a tear roll down Dom’s cheek. “Goodbye, Billy.” The door shut, and instantly Billy heard the unfamiliar thump of Dom’s body hitting the floor.

Wincing at the knowledge that only he was to blame for Dominic’s literal collapse, Billy sighed, took one final glance at the door to the apartment he had called home for so long, and left.

*-*-*-*-*

Three months later, Billy was standing outside Dominic’s door once again, a pack on his back and a bag in each hand. This time, he was coming instead of going. Staring at the door, he sighed. “You have all the power here… don’t take advantage of it, love,” he murmured sadly. “Cite: Ali.” After that reminder, he raised his hand, clenched it into a fist, and knocked twice.

Scuffling. A crash. Incoherent curses.

Finally, after a minute that felt like five, the bolt was undone, the lock in the doorknob popped, and the door was inched open, no more than allowed by the chain lock.

"Salutations," Dom said, his voice hoarse. He was hidden behind the door, and Billy knew he was watching through the peep hole. “Cite: ‘Charlotte’s Web.’ The movie and the book, by E.B. White. Did you ever read that, Billy?” Dom still hadn’t looked through the gap between door and wall, but if what Billy could see of the apartment was any indication, then he knew it couldn’t be pretty.

“No,” Billy answered cautiously. “I never read it.”

“Has Ali read it?” The question came quickly, bitterly, and it left a deep, painful imprint on Billy’s heart. He deserved that, he knew. Score one for Dommie.

“I don’t know. We never discussed it,” Billy said.

“Did you read any books while you were over there?” Dominic asked, conversationally.

“Not many.” Billy set his suitcases down; if this kept up, he was in for a long wait.

“Too busy shagging?” Brits – 2, Scots – 0.

“We never got around to that.”

Billy jumped involuntarily as the door instantly slammed shut, the chain rattled, and he found himself face to face with Dominic. Or, rather, what was left of the Dominic he knew. His face had hollowed so intensely Billy would almost swear he was a digitally remastered pirate on the set of Orli’s movie. His hair obviously hadn’t been shorn since Billy left, and, staring at the red-rimmed, bloodshot eyes, it looked like he hadn’t slept in that amount of time, instead spending his nights with tears as the insomniac’s only company.

“Are you trying to tell me, Wilhelm,” Dom spat the formalized, German version of his name, “that you were with a beautiful woman for three months and didn’t fuck her once?”

“Yes, although I wouldn’t use those exact words.” Billy smiled, trying to appear calm, though his insides were at war, wondering just what had happened to the man he’d loved. He knew he was the one who had buried the real Dominic alive, and he only hoped he wasn’t too late to dig him out.

Dominic stared at him for a moment before declaring, “You are an insane fucker.”

“Insane, maybe,” Billy continued with his cool and collected façade. “But fucker? Not for three months, Dom.” Oooh, good enough to wipe the scoreboard clean!

Quieting, Dom took in this piece of information and turned on his heel, heading farther into the confines of his apartment. “Come on in if you’re going to, then.”

His apartment, which was once their apartment (at the time when they shared everything: rent, opinions, kisses, secrets, bed and love), looked like it had been raided in search of something that was never found. A lamp had been overturned and broken (recently, Billy suspected, sure that it was the crash he heard after arriving); there were dozens of empty beer cans littering the floor; a leaning, wavering stack of rented videos by the VCR (if Billy looked closely enough, he’d see that all the movies were ones that he and Dom had watched in their weekly film adventures), and a thin layer of filth covering everything, including Dominic himself. Now that he could see Dominic completely, he was speechless. The man had lost a dangerous amount of weight, that much was obvious.

“Well,” Dominic shrank back, hugging his body in a protective stance, “go ahead and inspect the apartment like you are me… it’s obvious you want to.” He took a step backwards, his knees buckling as he backed into the beer-stained sofa chair.

Fuck, how do you do that? Running a hand over his recently-shaven chin, Billy nodded. Without words, he turned to walk from room to room, a critical eye running over everything, from the contents of the refrigerator (moldy cheese and an overpopulation of beer), the condition of the bedroom (Billy had a feeling that the wrinkled bed sheets hadn’t been changed for the entire duration of his trip to Glasgow), to the cluttered state of the hallway between the rooms.

After giving each room a once over, Billy stopped short in the bathroom. It appeared completely normal – not well kept or anything, but he wouldn’t expect that, even from a Dominic that was in the right state of mind. Billy wouldn’t have lingered there at all if it weren’t for the gapping crack that slid down through the mirror, which tore him from his silence. “Dom!” he called immediately. The man in question stumbled into the room, casting an inquiring glance. “The mirror’s broken,” Billy explained lamely, pointing.

Dominic took a step forward, raising his calloused hand, his finger tracing where the mirror split. “Yes, I know. I like it. Makes me look the way I feel.” He turned abruptly, his eyes wide as he watched his former lover, a sad smirk growing on his chapped lips. “Cite: ‘The Apartment.’ Did you ever see that movie, Billy?” He ignored Billy’s nod and the fact that his lips parted to remind Dom that they had watched that movie together, giggling at Jack Lemmon’s antics and sighing with Shirley MacLaine’s lovesick tears. Dom continued, his eyes directed past Billy, to the wall, seeing nothing but memories. “Starring Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine. Poor Jack. He gets walked all over, and he allows it, because, if he doesn’t, he’ll lose everything. And, equally, poor Shirley. She gets trampled on because she’s afraid. She loves Mr. Sheldrake, but he has a decision to make: his wife, or his seemingly-permanent ‘flavor of the month.’” As he spoke, Dom’s eyes returned to the gashed mirror. “He’s afraid that if he pushes, the man he loves will make a decision, and the answer won’t include him.”

“’Him’?” Billy spoke gently, afraid to pull Dominic from his painfully honest thoughts.

Dom’s head snapped back to stare at Billy, his pupils noticeably adjusting to the light change. “Did I say ‘him’? I meant ‘her.’ Shirley.” He smiled, though his eyes remained blank. “Too many people to keep track of.”

“Dommie,” Billy started, then thought better of it. “Dom,” he stared into Dom’s gray, dull eyes, attempting to will them to return to their bright, shining tone. “I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. I had…” He frowned, letting out a deep breath of frustration. “I had a lot of shite to sort through. Some of it involved my feelings towards you, yes. But I never once was in question of my love for you,” he stated seriously. “I love you. I always have and I always will. I… I got to Glasgow and Ali immediately set things straight for me, reminding me of my love for you… and what a great thing we had. She loves me too much for my own good, but she knows she’d never have all of my heart. She… she taught me all the things that I should’ve already known. About myself, about you… about us.” He hesitated, seeing a flinch of life return of Dominic’s blue-gray eyes.

“It hasn’t been easy.” Dom shuffled, his fingers twitching restlessly. “You broke my heart three months ago.”

“I know,” Billy nodded, gulping, realizing that this was his chance. “And I wish like hell I could take that back. If I could, I would. So, all I can do is try and make up for it.” There was a moment of silence, then, “if you’ll let me.”

As if the choice were a visible load, Dominic’s shoulders sagged, his eyes diverting to his feet as he quietly stewed over his options.

It felt like the second longest wait of Billy’s life, the first being waiting in the hospital, wondering if he was about to be declared an orphan and put to be cared for by his Nan, who was clutching his hand desperately. It was then that he realized that she was the only thing keeping him in reality, keeping him from floating to the place in his mind where he couldn’t be found… that’s when his Mum used to call him ‘difficult.’

Finally, Dominic nodded. “I love you, Billy, that’s no secret. And… I do feel broken, like the mirror. But… I think you can mend me. I think you can save me from this rocky road I’ve been heading down.”

Breaking out into a smile, Billy’s eyes lit up. “So you’ll let me come back?”

“I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather be with.” This was the first time in three months that Dominic felt like he was speaking the truth.

Without hesitation, Billy wrapped his arms around Dom’s, holding him tightly, and pressed his lips against Dom’s jaw. “God, you’re beautiful, Dommie.”

Dom pulled back just enough to grin a trademark-cheeky grin to speak: “I’m glad to be with you, Billy Boyd, here, at the end of all things.”

No one cited the quote. It wasn’t necessary. Instead, Billy shook his head. “No, Dommie. This is only the beginning.”

As they embraced once again, they knew that their road would, indeed, go ever on.