Apart, Chapter 7/7

[semaphore27.livejournal.com]

Author: Semaphore
Pairing: Billy/Dom, as always, but this is Elijah's POV, and there's a serious element of Dom-crush here. Poor Elijah. Poor, poor Elijah
Rating: Umn...PG-13
Feedback: Longed for like true love, and appreciated!
Summary: Again, November, 2004, the "Lostverse." This was inspired partly by the way Elijah keeps creeping into my fics and partly by a comment made by shehasathree about the reactions of of other characters (people?) to the events in my companion story "Lost," posted on the monaboyd community and my site Caraidean.
Disclaimers: Fibs. Untruths. Prevarications.



Apart, Chapter 7

Elijah feels weird , and he doesn't like feeling weird, especially when everything's gone strange around him.

Waking up in Billy's bed, in Billy's hotel room, that's strange, as in unexpected, as in odd, as in I love you, man but not that way. And what makes it even stranger is that Billy knows. Elijah's big secret's out in the open. The cat's out of the bag. He's admitted it to himself and everyone.

Now all his friends know how pathetic he is, and Elijah's not sure whether to be grateful or annoyed that everyone seems just to take it in stride.

But the funny part is, it hardly seems to matter anymore. Sean knows, and doesn't want Elijah to fool himself that things will be different than that are. Dom knows, and he still loves Lij as much (or as little, depending on your point of view) as he did before. Billy knows, and he seems less jealous than he does extremely sad.

Sean and Billy, Elijah knows, think Dom's going to die, so maybe Billy needed someone to hold onto last night just as much as Elijah did himself. Maybe the comfort is mutual, although they've never been that way. If Elijah were to draw a diagram of their relationships, it would be a square with each of them at a corner and lines going out to mark how they are. Strong lines from Dom to Billy, and Dom to Elijah, with a strong line from Billy back to Dom. Another strong line from Sean back to Elijah, and strong lines from Elijah out to Sean and Dom. Otherwise, the friendship's there, the caring's there, but it isn't quite the same. They're all part of the square, but the lines just don't run every which way, or maybe they do, but they're far more tentative.

For Elijah, Billy's one of those people who are easy to like, but hard to know, like there's a tidy white fence built around Billy's heart that you can see over, to the pleasant house beyond, but not pass through. Like the gate's kept locked, with a sign posted, "No admittance except on party business," and it takes someone like Dom to ignore the sign and barge on through, because Dom's the kind of guy who will walk on grass when the notices say not to, and climb forbidden walls and feed the birds. He's the kind of person who doesn't give a damn for rules, especially when the rules say, "Come just this close and not beyond. Stay behind the white line. Stay behind the rail."

And Elijah thinks maybe Billy's glad things are that way, that he's finally found someone who could either get the gate unlocked, or knock it down.

It hurts Elijah's head to think this way. Really, he doesn't want to think at all, so he runs his hand along the cold hollow where Billy's body has been, knowing Bill's long gone, and then sits up on the edge of the bed, curling his bare toes into the rug.

He should go back to the hospital he knows, it's just that he's so afraid.

Sometimes, just by doing things, he can make his brain switch off. It's a trick he learned from Dom, who used it a lot in his dark time, when Dom was in constant motion, and even Elijah could hardly reach him at all.

The things Lij needs to do include showering, shaving off the pathetic bit of fuzz that's still, at twenty-three, about all he can raise of a beard, dressing in clothes that actually match, checking his messages. He does them all, and while he's in motion he finds that it actually helps a bit. Not enough to shut everything off, but a bit.

He stops for coffee at a lobby cart, cradling the hot paper cup between his hands as he waits for the one of the elevators to come down, sipping bitter liquid hot enough to burn his tongue.

Elijah wonders if, when all this is over, he'll be able to see a paper cup again without wanting to cry.

The little lounge with the fishtank is packed, all with people he knows, even Vig and Orli are there, and Elijah can see Mackenzie through the glass wall. He's arrived late apparently. He's doing the smiling and nodding thing when he hears Mac yell something--and then Billy streaks by.

God! Elijah thinks, as the nurses rush in the opposite direction, his mind twisting around on itself. This can't be it, oh God, oh God, oh let this not be it. Dom's parents are hurrying too, but Elijah can't, he just can't, he's helpless and small and his eyes fill with tears, because there's not one single thing he can do.

After a few minutes, Dom's mom comes out again, saying shakily, "It's all right. They've got the tube clear."

It comes to Elijah that if there's nothing he can do for Dom, maybe he can do something for Bill instead. Maybe Billy shouldn't be alone right now, at least no more alone than he already feels.

Elijah moves toward the men's room, which is the direction Billy's gone. The door opens without a sound, but inside there's plenty of noise, not loud, but plenty nonetheless, like a person screaming with something stuffed into his mouth.

Elijah's heart does a side-step, because that's not Bill, it can't be Bill--except Elijah knows it is. It's Billy screaming where no one can hear, and Billy getting sick and Billy's frantic tears. He waits, quietly, wishing he knew what to do, what to say, to help someone so much more experienced than he is, someone so completely torn apart by love.

Because for all the pain inside him, Elijah knows he's never felt the way Billy sounds now. He's not sure if that's in him. If Dom should die from this, Lij knows he'll lose his heart, but it sounds like something's ripping out Billy's soul, and it hurts more than anyone should have to bear.

If there is such a thing. If that's not too dramatic to say. Elijah doesn't think it is. He thinks he may have just discovered that there are depths to Billy even Billy doesn't know.

"Bill?" he calls softly, but Billy doesn't answer, probably can't, because he's shaking so hard it's making the partitions rattle, and he's sobbing aloud, which is something Elijah never thought he would hear, because Billy smiles always. No matter what, Billy smiles.

"Billy, c'mon, man," Elijah says. He's desperate to do something, anything, to distract his friend. "I think you'd better get back to him now."

"He's dead," Billy answers, in a voice so flat and empty it sounds like someone else instead, or not even like a person--like a voice generated by a machine.

"Fuck, Billy, he's not. They got the tube cleared again." Elijah's trying his hardest to make his voice soothing, believable. He's an actor, after all. "C'mon, you know you're going to hate yourself if you don't. Come on back in."

There's the sound of a flush, and of Billy hauling himself up off the floor. When the door opens, showing Billy sheet-white and blank-eyed, Elijah touches his arm. "You wanna get cleaned up a little?"

As Billy washes up Lij lets a hand linger on his friend's shoulder. A strange tenderness fills him now, and he wants, somehow, to be able to care for this complicated, closed-off, smiling man. In the mirror above the sink, their eyes meet, and for the first time Elijah understands.

This is a person who's lost too much, he thinks, And he can't stand to lose even one time more.

Elijah wishes he had super-hero powers, and could set everything right again. He wishes he could travel back in time.

"Thank you," Billy says at last, watching himself in the mirror until he's put on a face that will cover his own.

That he feels the need to do so, surrounded by family and friends, makes Elijah nothing but sad. "Don't mention it," he says.

---

When Dom's brother Matt comes out and Elijah goes in, he understands at last that it's just to say goodbye. There's nothing left to hope for, or to wish, and if the lines on the monitors are any indication, it may not even be that Dom's here.

The only thing saying otherwise are the lines of tears that streak Dom's cheeks, as if he, too, is sad to be saying goodbye.

Elijah moves into the room, unable to hear his own footsteps at all, unable to hear anything, really. Gently, with his fingers, he brushes the tears, feeling the salt, feeling the wet, feeling the slight vibration as Dom makes a small noise of pain deep in his throat.

Maybe it would be better if he went now, Elijah thinks. Maybe it will be better after all.

Maybe Dom's gone through too much already to have to suffer anymore.

But Elijah strokes his face again, and says, "Ssh, Dommie, ssh, it's all right now." And carefully as he can, he scoots Dom over, just a little, until there's room for him on the edge of the bed. He kicks off his shoes and curls up there, balancing, because the amount he's been able to move his friend really isn't enough--which is pretty much the story of his life so far, he has to say.

Elijah's a little bit nervous, because he's well aware Viggo came out covered in slime, and he really, sincerely hopes the same doesn't happen to him, because while Lij has nothing but sympathy for how sick Dom is, he also has no control over his own stomach at all, and he'd really prefer not to humiliate himself now.

He's also more than a little scared, because what if Dommie goes while Elijah's right there by his side?

Shut up, Doodle, he tells himself firmly, making it be Dom's voice in his mind, because if Dom does go, if it's time, what's better than going with someone who loves you so much right nearby?

For a second, then, he almost thinks he sees Dom smile, but it's nothing but a shadow of what once was. Nothing but a ghost of what's been.

Elijah doesn't need to have ghosts in his life. He needs to have Dom, warm and close and alive.

He wraps his arm around Dom's chest as if somehow that can anchor him in place and time, and he stares at Dom's face, trying to remember how it once was, before all this, except he can't, not really now. All he can do is babble on, telling Dom he loves him, telling him he understands how things are, begging him not to leave.

Although he knows not a word he says is understood.

At the end of the babbling, he cups Dom's cheek with his hand, feeling the hot skin, feeling the prickly sweat. Carefully, tenderly, he leans in for a kiss, shutting his eyes, still expecting sweetness somehow, but Dom's mouth tastes of nothing but sickness and death, and though he speaks light words, teasing Dom about the flavour, Elijah knows it's all over, that this is, absolutely the end.

But despite the bad taste, despite fear, he leans close to kiss his beloved again, thinking just for a moment that he sees a faint smile.

Though he knows, if the smile is for anyone, it's for Billy now.

"Goodnight, Dommie," he says. "Sleep tight."

---

The others are in the lounge, but Elijah sits with his back against the glass wall, just to the left of the door. He's small, and in nobody's way there, because he keeps his knees tucked up to his chest.

Behind him, by Dom's side, Billy's singing a John Lennon song, softly and sadly, so that Lij hears the tune but not the words. Then Billy's crying again, the same way he did back in the can, but quiet now, as if he's gone past the place where his tears can make a noise, until Fran goes into the room and comes back out again, with her face so sweet and sorrowful afterwards that it makes Elijah want to cry himself, all over again.

But he doesn't. His eyes stay dry.

Sean comes over and puts his own back to the wall, sliding down by Elijah's side. "You okay?" he asks.

Elijah nods.

"He's going to need us a lot now," Sean tells him. "Billy, that is."

"Yeah," Elijah answers. "Though he'll want us to leave him alone."

"Not happening," Sean says firmly, and his smile, though sad, is firm, unwavering. "No one should be alone now." He scoots over until the two of them touch at shoulder, hip and thigh, and his large hand closes around Elijah's, holding it warmly inside, while Lij thinks of what Billy's said before, to all of them, in the lounge.

I'm glad to be here with all of you, at the end of all things.

"It won't ever change, will it?" Elijah asks. "I'll always have you, won't I, Sean?"

Sean squeezes his hand a little tighter. "You'll always have me, Elijah. We're brothers in all but blood now."

Elijah leans his head onto Sean's shoulder then, and feels the pain contained inside. He waits, knowing that when it's all over they'll be with Billy too, always together, always loving, because as Sean's said they're changed by what's been, they've been made into family, brothers in all but blood, and no matter what divides them, they will never be apart again.

"How do you think they knew, Sean?" he asks. "Pete and Phillipa and Frannie. How do you think they knew?"

Sean laughs a little, softly. "That, Doodle, I couldn't say. Maybe there's a family resemblance that we can't see."

"Oh, I think I can see it," Elijah says, as he buries his face against Sean's chest, "I see it every time I look at you."

Sean doesn't say anything, just holds Lij in his arms, his strong arms that can always be relied upon, whether he's Sam or Seanwise, or just plain Sean, and he knows when Billy comes out again, whatever's happened, they'll make him a part of them too, because family does not let family fall.

Elijah doesn't see when that happens, only feels the little nudge Sean gives to his back. He lifts his head, staring, not wanting to ask, hardly thinking he needs to ask, because Billl's face is dead white, and his hands shake, and Lij can see white all around the green of his eyes.

He and Sean climb to their feet, and Sean's hand goes to Billy's arm, but Elijah is right there, with his arms wrapped around Billy's waist, because anyone that pale is getting ready to fall, which is exactly what Elijah feels, Billy's knees buckling, his body sliding down--except Sean's there too, and between the two of them, Billy's safe and secure.

Billy's fingers curl into Elijah's back, and he's holding tight, so very tight that again he's going to bruise, though Lij can hardly feel that now. Billy's face is grinding into Elijah's shoulder, and they're both wrapped up in Sean's arms, in the familiar comfort of their Hobbit-pile that, even diminished, will always be strong.

Except that Billy's muttering against Elijah's skin, laughing and crying all at the same time, "He's alive, Lij, alive. I think he'll be all right." At least that's what Lij thinks he hears, because Billy's accent's gone so thick Elijah thinks even Dom would be hard-pressed to make out actual words.

It's too much, just too much, and Elijah's sinking down, with Billy on top of him and Sean following them both to the floor, with the tile cold beneath their knees, and a loud buzzing like a million bees in Lij's ears.

Alive, Elijah thinks, and suddenly, though it wasn't everything he wanted, not by a long shot, it's enough. It's enough to be friends, close friends, best friends, if only Dom's alive and in his world.

And from the bed behind them, there's a weak, shaky voice, "Bills? Lij? Seanwise? Wha' th' hell?"