A Day Late and a Hobbit Short

[starfishchick]

Title: Open Mouth, Insert Foot
Author: starfishchick
Pairing: MonaBoyd
Rating: Dude, I've no idea. Sex is discussed.
Disclaimer: There was a movie shoot in New Zealand with a bunch of guys. The rest of it is complete fiction. I own nothing, know nothing, make no profit.
Author's Note: For the MonaBoyd FlashFic. A few days late, but much more in the spirit of the requested fic, I hope. If I'd posted what I'd written originally, you'd have drowned in the angst. _sarie requested an NC17 or R rating, someone saying "And that is why we don't stick our noses there" and the mention of purple socks. She suggested humour, crack!fic humour if at all possible, but said that plain dirteh humour was fine. Humour? Me? And dialogue? WTF? I did my best - hope it amuses you, _sarie!!



"Cut!" called Peter.

"OK, everyone," said the A.D. "Take a few minutes, we've got to set it up again." The crew descended onto the set and the actors moved away.

Dom groaned. "We've been shooting the scene for hours. Days." He yawned. "Weeks."

"It's been ten hours," corrected Elijah. "And that's over a day and a half."

"No, you know, I think there's been some kind of lapse in the time-space continuum." Dom warmed to the idea, his gestures grew more expansive and his volume level got steadily louder. "I think we've actually descended into the seventh circle of Hell, or something. Repetition and, and, you know, forcibly being on your knees for hours at a time."

"Guys," interrupted Peter, "the light's going. We'll pick this up again in the morning." He grinned. "I want to wrap this before the weekend, OK?"

The actors nodded thankfully. They were as tired of reciting the dialogue as Peter was of hearing it.

They all drifted off towards the makeup trailers, and as the Hobbits had their Feet removed, Dom moved back onto the topic of time. "It's like ... the time when you're working is twice as long, and the time when you're having fun goes twice as fast. Why is that? I bet you in twenty years there'll be scientists somewhere winning awards for studying this - they'll call it the Monaghan Theory, or something."

"Mmmph," replied Billy, not really listening, but content to hear Dom's voice as his feet were soaking and his scalp was freed of the confines of his wig.

"I mean, why is it that eight hours of sleep goes by in like, 10 minutes, but half an hour of, I dunno, housework, takes like three hours?"

The 'click' of a camera made them all look up. Viggo paused in the doorway, Orlando behind him.

"I see that Dominic is exploring the concept of time again. Don’t you ever stop talking?" asked Viggo.

Dom looked wounded. "I do."

Billy snickered.

"I can be quiet, if I want to." Dom sounded indignant.

Billy grinned impishly. "You were last night, anyway." He met Dom’s eyes, and they stared at each other for a moment before Dom waggled his eyebrows. "Tonight’s your turn, yes?"

"Um, guys?" This from Elijah. "I know your new relationship is the most fascinating thing in the world, but do we have to hear about it every day?"

Viggo chucked from the trailer door. "Not likely they'll stop," he said. "That’s what this stage of love is about. Exploration, discovery, wonderment at the newness of the other person’s ideas, their thoughts, their –"

"Cock," added Dominic.

"Yes, that too, Mr. Monaghan. Thanks for the reminder." Raising his hand, Viggo headed down the steps. "Good night, gentlemen. See you tomorrow."

"Go on, Orlando," teased Dom. "Now that I’ve got his mind where yours so obviously is, you’ve got’im!"

Orlando rolled his eyes and stalked away. Elijah and Sean shot Dom exasperated looks, and followed.

Billy balled up a pair of obnoxious purple socks and tossed them at Dom, hitting him in the chest. "Why would you do that, ya git? You know Orlando's got a bit of a thing for Viggo."

"Who doesn't? He's intense in all areas, man." Dom shoved an elbow into Billy's side. "All areas, you know?"

"I do know, and he's not my type."

"So why shouldn't Orlando go after him? Look how well it turned out for us!"

"Are you that thick, Dommie? Haven't you noticed that the Men are as thick as thieves?"

Dom stared, uncomprehending. "Bean. And Viggo. Are...?"

"Every night."

Dom closed his eyes. "Shit."

"It's other people's business, Dom," said Billy. "And that is why we don't stick our noses there."