one love, one life, part 6/?

[cool-like-dom.livejournal.com]

here it is, for your enjoyment. i see you shiver with antci...pation.


title- one love, one life pt 6/?
author- eri
pairing- bb/dm, implied ew/ob
rating- R for language, hinted sexual relations
disclaimer- am stuffed with lies. believe nothing i say.
warnings- angst, self-abuse and drug usage. oh my!
summary- i suppose it’s a song!fic, as it is inspired by u2’s “one.” “i can’t be holding on to what you’ve got, when all you’ve got is hurt.” In this episode, Dom comes home.


past parts can be found here: one two three four five





Elijah was alone in the lobby, biting his nails and tapping his foot nervously. His hair had gotten a little longer, and he looked thinner, but he was still the same Elijah that Dom had left behind. The same large blue eyes looked up when Dom walked through the double doors, the same grin spread over his face, and Elijah stood and crossed the room, embracing Dom in the same, tight hug that he always gave. Familiarity. It was refreshing, and a little frightening at the same time. Dom hadn’t realized how much he had missed the outside, and his friends in it, during his treatment.

Elijah pulled away, still smiling, but his eyes were serious. “How are you?” he asked, arm still on Dom’s shoulder.

“I’m... good,” Dom replied, and he actually meant it.

“You look good,” Elijah said, “Much more alive.”

“Yeah.” Dom smiled weakly. He didn’t know what to say, but before he had to worry about it, the receptionist had called him over to the desk to sign some last things. The nurses were all nice to the end, smiling and wishing him luck. Elijah picked up his bag, and Dom followed him outside.

That was a shock, stepping outside and everything so bright and warm, everything so colourful. Dom just stood at the sidewalk and took in the world. He had been trapped for so long, first by himself, then by his actions, that it was like opening his eyes for the first time.

Elijah had stopped and watched Dom reacquaint himself with the outside, thinking that he did look a lot better than he had six months ago. Elijah was glad that the treatment had done it’s job. He had only caught glimpses into what Dom had to go through, with his friend calling about once a month to give him an update on his situation. And even though Dom had told him not to, Elijah had blamed himself a little, for not seeing signs of what was going on. But he knew now that it was too late to worry about the past, the important thing was that Dom was back. Hopefully, for good.

Dom was staring at the bright fuchsia geraniums that were planted along the walkway. Elijah came up beside him and put an arm around his shoulders.

“Everything’s so vivid.” Dom said, almost reverently. “Was it all this bright before?”

“I guess so,” Elijah replied. “You just don’t realize it until you’re away from it for so long.”

”Everything will take time. But you have all the time in the world, now.” Words his threapist had left him with, and he realized that he didn’t want it to take time. He wanted to see his friends again, see everything he missed. He wanted to see Billy. He wanted his life back.

Looking up at his friend, Dom smiled, and he looked like his old self. Elijah returned the grin, asking, “Are you ready?”

“Yeah, Lij, I’m ready.”

***

The first thing Dom noticed upon opening his door was that his flat was clean. Sparkling, even. It had never been in such good condition since Dom had first moved in.

The second thing that he noticed was Orlando rushing to the door and flinging himself at him, embracing Dom tightly and laughing.

The third thing Dom noticed, upon being released from Orlando’s grasp, was that quite a lot of people were standing in his living room. Astin was there, hugging him and saying congratulations, along with Christine and their daughters. Viggo was there, quietly embracing Dom, but with that wise look in his eyes that said all he needed to. Hannah was there, giving him a strong hug and kissing his cheek. Even Liv and Ian had come to show their support. Dom hadn’t felt surrounded by so much love and friendship since New Zealand, and it immediately overwhelmed him, tears on his face as he accepted everyone’s praise.

Then he was talking, and laughing, and enjoying, and feeling. The conversation was never about “how” or “why,” and the only thing Dom said about his treatment was that, “The food was at least better than Elijah’s cooking.” Everything remained on a high note until the end, after the good times had been reminisced, and promises that they “should do this again sometime, it’s been far too long” had been said, and the only people left in Dom’s flat were Elijah and Orlando.

It was then that Dom realized, though he supposed he had in the beginning and pushed it out of his mind, that Billy wasn’t there.

He almost didn’t want to ask Elijah about him. The times he had called, he never talked about him, never wanted to know, out of fear. He sat on the couch, picking at the label on his bottle, wondering about the lack of Billy.

Elijah read his mind. “He didn’t think he should come with everyone here. But he says that he’s happy for you,” he said, looking cautiously at Dom.

“I see.” Dom set the bottle on the coffee table, looked to where his friend sat across the room, with Orlando sitting on the arm of his chair. He ignored the concerned look they shared, and instead stared at his feet.

“You should call him,” Orlando said. “He would want you to.”

“You’re so sure about that,” Dom replied, sounding more bitter than he meant to be.

“Yeah, we are.”

There was silence for a few minutes, as Dom contemplated the possibilities, and Orlando and Elijah watched his stony expression.

Orlando stood up, said, “I think I’ll start cleaning up.” He picked up the empty bottles from the coffee table, gave Dom a supportive smile, and walked to the kitchen.

Elijah got up from the chair to follow Orlando, but stopped at the hallway and turned back to Dom.

“He’s going to be in town tomorrow.” Dom looked up sharply, his pulse beating faster. “He’ll be at some benefit concert or something, but he’s leaving tonight, so you should call before he goes.” Elijah smiled weakly at him, added, “He wants to talk to you.” Then he left to go assist Orlando.

Thoughts raced in Dominic’s head. Billy was going to be here, tomorrow. Not to see him, specifically, but it was almost a given that he would try to. Fear and trepidation. What do I do? Billy wanted him to call. Anxiety and hope. What do I say? All the times Dom had thought of calling, all the times he almost wrote, and he found that he was in the same position. What could I possibly say to make him forgive me? What if he won’t forgive me? What if he’s moved on to someone more stable? What if I’ve lost him forever?

But, more importantly, what if I haven’t? What do I have to lose? What if he’s been waiting for me to call, feeling just as hopeful and anxious as I do?

“...Ah love you. Always remember that...”

Dom had to call him. He had to hear Billy’s voice, at least one last time, and if it was over, he had to hear it from Billy himself. And he had to at least say what he needed to, say how sorry he was and how much he missed him and ”I did it for you, Billy. I got better for you. Please, take me back.”

More importantly, he had to do it now, while he was just buzzed enough from the beer to have the nerve, and no one else was around to hear.

Dom pulled out his mobile, took a deep breath, and closed his eyes, trying to plan what he would say.

”I love you. I’m sorry.”

He pressed the autodial, his heart beating loud in his ears, almost drowning out the sound of the ringing, reaching across the world. It was afternoon here, it wasn’t late yet in Scotland. But after the fourth ring, Dom was getting more nervous, more afraid. What if Orlando was wrong?

Please, let me say it...

*click* on the other end of the phone. Time stopped. Dom held his breath, waiting for that voice he longed for.

“Hello?”

Female.

Ali.

Dom hung up the phone.

***

When Dom woke up, there was sunlight.

The bed was his, the room was his, the window and it’s curtains were his. The shirt and boxers he had worn to bed were his, the pile of clothes on his otherwise clean floor was his, and the ache in his chest was his. Dom could see the list of things that were “not his” in his mind, and saw Billy’s name written at the top in big, bold letters.

Dom rolled over and clutched his pillow to his chest. He was dimly aware of Elijah in the room, watching him from the doorway.

“Voyeur,” Dom muttered, voice hazy from sleep.

“Come to the show tonight,” Elijah said, ignoring the remark.

“Fuck the show. Fuck everything. Fuck me for being a fucking moron. He doesn’t want me, Lij. He’s moved on,” Dom mumbled into his pillow.

“Come to the show. Find out for sure.” Elijah was begging him. Why did he care? He had everything. He didn’t know what it was like.

His friend sat down on the bed next to Dom’s legs, bed creaking with his weight.

“You wanted the chance to talk to him. You’ll have it if you come tonight.”

“He’s moved on. Forgot all about me.” Why can’t you leave me alone?

“Bullshit,” Elijah said vehemently, making Dom flinch. “He called me almost every fucking day asking if I knew how you were. Asking if I knew when you were getting out, if he should visit you in the clinic, for six months. Six fucking months, he’s called me every day about you. He hasn’t forgotten anything.”

Dom was silent. Probably wondering when he could get his stuff from my place.

“You went through treatment thinking about him. He was the reason you finally got help, because you knew he wouldn’t come back otherwise. Billy loves you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Neither do you, Dom, and that’s why you need to talk to him. You’re going to be miserable and depressed and fucking go down this same path again if you don’t. Maybe it won’t be heroin this time, but it’ll be something else. And I’ll be stuck just sitting back, watching you kill yourself, watching my best friend die, again.”

God, Lij, don’t cry. Please.

“Lij, don’t,” Dom said, raising his head and seeing his friend’s eyes welled with tears. He reached up and pulled Elijah down next to him, feeling even more like an asshole.

“Don’t mean to hurt you, Lij. I’m sorry. Never wanted to hurt you guys. And now I’m so afraid, afraid that I’ll fuck up again and lose it, and I’ll betray you again.”

Elijah sniffed and Dom felt him shake his head against his chest. “Won’t fucking let you. Orlando, me, Sean, we won’t let you.”

“I’m so afraid I’ll hurt him. I’m afraid I’m not strong enough.” He felt his own tears spill out, wiped at his eyes and felt Elijah embrace him tighter.

“Dommie, you’re so strong for getting help. You’re strong for going through with it, for coming to grips and making yourself better. Don’t let anyone fucking tell you otherwise.”

“I’m sorry, Lij, I really am.”

“I know, Dom, so am I.”

Dom lay with Elijah silently, content in being embraced. He knew he was being selfish, and knowing that his friend had been through equal hell sobered him.

After a while, Elijah lifted his head, looked at Dom and smiled. “I’m glad to have you back, Sblomie.”

Dom returned the smile, messing up Elijah’s hair and saying, “Glad to be back, Doodle.”

Shifting so he was eye level with Dom, and leaning on his elbow, Elijah asked, “So, you are going to come with us? You are going to see him?”

That small, tiny sliver of hope in Dom’s heart had grown in the past ten minutes, enough to make him sigh and resign himself to his fate.

“Yeah, I’ll go.”

I’ve already been to Hell and back. What more could I lose?