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[desire-billy.livejournal.com]

Title: Words Are Trivial
Author: desire_billy
Pairing: Billy/Dom
Rating: R
Feedback: Please
Author's Notes: ANGSTY!!
Summary: Dom isn’t willing to accept Billy’s choices

Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can't you understand
(Depeche Mode – Enjoy The Silence)

“Dom, please don’t do this.” Billy was looking away from Dom. Dom’s hands still burned from Billy pushing them away. They stood in the front hall of Dom’s home. Billy had come by to get the last of his things.

Before Billy could walk past Dom, Dom reached out for him. Billy had pushed his hands away knowing all too well what would happen if he let Dom get hold of him.

Dom closed his eyes trying to even his breathing. He bit his lower lip as he said in a whispered voice, “Billy, please.”

Billy shook his head and looked at Dom. “Dom, do we have to go through this every fucking time we see each other now?”

Dom looked at Billy and said, “Yes, we do. At least until you get it right!”

Billy let out an exasperated sigh and started to walk past Dom. Dom reached out and grabbed Billy’s arm.

Billy turned and with anger in his voice he asked, “What, Dom? What is it? What do you want me to say? The same damn thing I’ve been saying to you for months?”

Dom’s head was somewhat tilted down, but his eyes were tilted up so he could look directly into Billy’s eyes. Dom’s eyes were hard and full of doubt. The black eyeliner only accentuated that. “I don’t believe you. Not a word of it. Why are you doing this?”

Billy’s stomach quivered. The look in Dom’s eyes made him weak in the knees. Dom’s grip on his arm tightened, and Billy could feel himself begin to falter. He could never resist Dom much less when he was being so damn aggressive. Billy’s lips parted to say something, anything, but all he could manage was a quiet moan.

Dom felt powerful. He wanted Billy. He wanted to steal him away and never let him go. Never let him say those words again. Never tell him it was over. Never tell him he loved another.

Dom knew he had power over Billy. At least sexually. He knew Billy could never say no to him.

~

Dom had mistaken this for love too long ago. Then Billy told him he loved him before they left New Zealand. Dom’s world changed in a blink of an eye. With those three little words Dom found happiness he never thought possible. Even though they lived on two different continents, they were able to see each other quite a bit.

Billy rarely told Dom he loved him, so when he did Dom committed it to memory so he could replay it over and over.

Then four months ago his world came crashing down. They had made plans to spend Christmas and New Years together. Dom had spent weeks agonizing over the perfect gift for Billy. He had been packed since Thanksgiving. He was ready to leave LA for Scotland to spend time with his beloved Billy.

The second week in December is when it happened. The stinging words falling from Billy’s mouth as if in slow motion played too many in Dom’s mind. “I’ve met someone Dom. I’m sorry.”

Billy had flown to LA to end it. He wanted to spend the holidays with her. Her! Billy was so fucking thoughtful he had broken up with Dom in person. “Didn’t want to do it over the phone Dommie.”

In the past three months Dom had seen Billy twice.

Once in Japan, where Billy felt the need to sit next to Dom and announce to the world he had a girlfriend. He was ALWAYS announcing that. Every fucking time he had a chance. As if he was screaming it directly at Dom. Dom wanted to hit him. Make him hurt like he did. Instead he lashed out at her.

Dom had put his arm around Billy and announced that yes, they had been together for 3 ½ years. The crowd loved it, and Billy hated it. Dom knew this would bother her also. Even hurt her. Billy played it off for the crowd, but later that night the all too familiar fight began.

Then there were the Oscars. Dom tried not to think about that night. That was the night he meet her. She was nice, funny even beautiful in her own way. She had a different look. Billy was always attracted to people who looked just off from the norm. Look at Dom. Sideways smile, eyeliner, male!

Dom had drank too much and insisted on talking to Billy privately. He made sure she knew he wanted to be alone with Billy. He pulled Billy aside and they fought.

Each time they would have this conversation, this fight, Dom would insist that Billy still loved him. Billy would deny it. Dom would keep on and on until it got physical which ended with sex. Either in the nearest cloakroom, or the closet bed. Much to the chagrin of Elijah when they were in Japan. His hotel room had just been closer than either one of theirs. The cloakroom at the Oscar’s party was surprisingly private.

But it always ended the same way. Billy would leave Dom after the sex. They would fight again; both trying to hurt the other with their words. Dom would end up in a huddled mass on the floor in tears cursing himself for giving Billy the only thing he wanted from Dom. The only thing he ever really wanted from Dom. Sex.

~

Dom grabbed Billy’s upper arms and pushed Billy against the wall. Billy slammed into the wall with Dom pressing against him in every way. Billy raised his hands to Dom’s chest in a feeble attempt to push him away. “Dom, don’t, please. Just let me get my things and go.”

Dom began to lick and kiss Billy’s neck. He purred into Billy’s ear, “You know you want me. You can’t resist me, Billeh. You want me to touch you. You want me to fuck you, don’t you?”

Billy’s hands had now traveled around Dom’s waist as Dom’s tongue was licking the outside of his ear. He was pulling at Dom’s shirt. He wanted to feel Dom’s skin. It was always so smooth and hot.

Dom pressed his hips harder into Billy’s as he growled, “Tell me! Tell me you want to feel me inside you. Tell me no one can make you feel the way I do. Tell me!”

Billy was gasping for air. Dom’s voice was traveling from his ears directly to his cock. Vibrating through his body as if he was standing too close to busy train tracks. “Fuck, Dom, yes. I want to feel your cock inside me. Nothing feels like that, nothing. Oh God, Dommie.”

Billy calling him Dommie only fueled Dom’s passion. He took Billy’s mouth with a vengeance. His tongue drove into Billy’s mouth demanding attention. His mouth was pressing so hard against Billy’s he could taste the blood along his teeth.

Dom pulled Billy’s hands from his waist and held them over his head against the wall. If he was going to be dominating he might as well do it right.

Billy pressed his hips harder into Dom’s feeling their erection rubbing. “Dom, fuck, I can’t stop.”

Dom pulled back some and looked into Billy’s eyes. Suddenly he realized what he was doing. Again! No, he was not going to do this to himself again. Billy was going to have to admit his love to him if he wanted this. He let go of Billy and stepped back; his body shaking with need and pain.

“Dom, no..” Billy saw the look in Dom’s eyes. It was the pain he had seen too many times already. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall. “Dom, I’m sorry. Why do we always hurt each other?”

Dom’s eyes grew large, “We? Seems to me that you’re the only one NOT hurting. You breeze in, get a great fuck and then leave me hurting. Why do you always do that? Why do you want to hurt me, Billy?”

Billy felt a tug at his heart. ‘Dom I don’t. But you do this to yourself. You know I can’t resist you.” Billy raised his voice to stop Dom from protesting, “No damn it Dom, you do it on purpose. As soon as you don’t hear what you want you defer back to this trick.”

Dom was full of rage now, “Trick? TRICK! How dare you. I give you everything, I give you my heart and my BODY and you think of it as a trick?”

Billy closed his eyes, “Dom that’s not what I meant. You know damn well what I mean.”

Dom closed the space between them, “No Billy, I don’t. You say you love another. You say you don’t love me. But you melt at my touch. You say you don’t want to hurt me. Explain that to me Billy.”

Dom’s voice softened as he got within inches of Billy’s lips, “Tell me how it is you stopped loving me.”

Billy felt his body begin to shake. Even his voice shook as he pleaded, “Dom, don’t. Don’t make me do this.”

Dom rubbed his not yet shaven check against Billy’s clean shaven one. “Do what, Bills? Tell me you love me. That you were wrong?” Billy’s knees were once again going weak.

“Dom, you know how I feel.”

Dom pulled away. “No. I don’t accept that. I can’t. Billy, what was I to you? All the nights we spent together, all the good times, the holidays spent together. All the fun.”

Billy looked away, “Dom, you have always been my mate. My best mate. We just got messed up along the way and added in…..”

Dom’s heart felt like Billy had just pulled it from his chest. “Sex? Is that all I was Billy? Your fuck buddy?”

“Jesus, Dom, don’t put it like that.”

Dom leaned against the wall and softly said, “Do you love her? More than you ever did me? You told me you loved me. Was it a lie?”

Billy tried to look at Dom, but failed. He couldn’t face Dom’s pain head on. “You know I love you as a friend.”

Dom’s entire body ached at the sound of these words. He felt like Billy had just body slammed him to the floor. He loved Billy so much. Had loved him for so long. He couldn’t believe Billy didn’t feel the same. He closed his eyes fighting the tears as he whispered, “No, Billy, no.”

Billy looked at Dom. He knew he had hurt Dom, but he didn’t know how to fix it. He could not live…he couldn’t do this. It was different in New Zealand. It was like they had their own world their. Now things were different. They were well known. Too many cameras, too many people telling Billy what he needed to do.

Billy pushed off the wall, and walked past Dom as he said, “I’m so sorry Dom. Let me get my things and I’ll leave.”

Dom stood there almost in a daze. His brain was trying to convince his heart Billy did not love him. He had used him. He had led him on. His heart was breaking, and he didn’t know how to stop it. As he stared at the white tiled floor, memories of Billy played across it.

Billy laughing, singing, and telling Dom he loved him. Billy holding Dom after they made love and running his hands through Dom’s hair. Dancing on crowded dance floors and stealing kisses behind trailers and in the darkness at premiers.

Dom whispered to himself. “Oh Billy, please, I need you.”

Billy walked back with a box in his hands of things Dom has packed for him. Dom opened his eyes and looked at him. Everything was blurry to Dom as the tears filled his eyes.

The look on Dom’s face, his tear stained eyes ripped through Billy’s body. “How can I do this?” Billy thought to himself. “How can I hurt him like this? How can I leave like this? I need to tell him.”

Billy walked to the front door and opened it. He walked over the threshold and looked out onto the world that went on without a thought to the two hearts that were breaking. Billy stood there trying to think of the right thing to say.

Dom watched Billy, waiting for him to say something. When he did not, Dom asked him again, “Do you love her? More than you did me when we were in New Zealand?”

Billy had to decide. He wondered, “Do I break our hearts now and get it over with, or do I tell him the truth giving him false hope?”

As if his mouth was a detached entity, he heard himself saying, “I love her more than anything.” Fuck that hurt. Billy waited for Dom’s rage. He braced himself for the inevitable grip on his arm from Dom, but it did not come. He turned to see Dom looking at him, tears falling from his eyes.

In a shaky voice Dom said, “If she ever hurts you, I’ll always be here for you. Loving you.”

Billy was stunned. Dom was giving up. He was letting Billy go. Billy had gotten used to Dom putting up a fight. He had urged Dom not to, but he had come to expect it. To need it even.

Billy stood there his heart breaking as he watched Dom turn away from him, close the door and leave Billy alone with his decision.