Forgive Me

[dylan-dufresne.livejournal.com]

Title: Forgive Me - Hurt
Author: dylan_dufresne
Pairing: BB/DM
Rating: I think PG-14 covers it.
Feedback: Would be greatly appreciated as it’s my drug of choice. Thanks to frojane for the beta.
Disclaimer: Not at all true in reality. This is my imagination at work.
Warning: Angst in this part. I know, shocker.
Previous Part: A giant bunny chased me around and wouldn’t leave me alone, so here is a follow up to Ending.
A/N: This is #10 in this series of unrelated fics. Well, they were unrelated until recently. If you want to read the others, they start here. Please remember to read the warnings at the top.
A/N 2: TGIF! To celebrate, here's some angst. Enjoy!

10 - Hurt

Although Billy tries desperately to convince himself that he’s made the right decision, ending things in New Zealand and remaining best mates with Dom, Billy’s heart isn’t so easily swayed. The trip back to Scotland is endless, the ache in Billy’s chest growing with every hour that takes him further away from Dom, and by the time the plane lands in Glasgow, Billy’s façade is all but gone. Almost falling into his sister’s arms, Billy confesses what he’s done, and is grateful when Maggie doesn’t tell him what an idiot he is, simply holding him and letting him pour his heart out.

Things seem fine at first, that Dom has bounced back from the sadness of their breakup, and his mood is cheerful when he sends Billy his new address in LA. Swallowing the urge to say ‘I miss you’ when they manage to catch each other and talk for a few minutes, Billy tells himself that he’s made the right decision, that Dom is going to be fine. Throwing himself into work, grateful to have something to distract him, Billy is surprised and saddened when he starts to hear rumors of Dom becoming a regular on the partying circuit, although he’s sure Elijah is exaggerating. Or maybe he just hopes.

It isn’t long before Elijah stops mentioning Dom, and it’s only when Billy presses him about it does the American confess. Dom’s been avoiding him lately, avoiding everyone in the fellowship actually. According to Mac, Dom stays out most of the night and sleeps well past noon every day. Sean has tried to talk to him, but Dom has canceled the last three times they were supposed to meet. Wondering if there’s something he can do, Billy calls Dom and leaves a message, but a week goes by without a reply.

Then one day, Billy comes home to the light flashing on his answering machine. Hoping that it’s Dom, Billy rewinds the tape, and is surprised to discover that it’s Sean. The first two messages are from Sean, asking Billy to call him, the third is a hang up, and the fourth is Elijah, asking if Billy’s talked to Sean or Dom. Heart racing and stomach twisting into tight knots, Billy quickly calls Sean, not particularly concerned about the time difference at the moment. What Sean tells Billy, breaks his heart.

Mac called Sean, begging for help, as he’s very worried about Dom, particularly his self-destructive behavior. Three nights in a row now, Mac has found Dom passed out on the loo floor, having drank too much, smoked too much, or done who knows what. He’s getting worse, and nothing anyone says seems to help. As far as anyone can tell, Dom doesn’t care that he’s hurting himself, and the people who care about him.

Reluctantly hanging up the phone, Billy immediately calls Dom, not surprised when he gets Dom’s voicemail, yet again. Cradling a photograph of the two of them, taken while in costume, Billy makes a decision. Phone wedged between his shoulder and his ear, first with the airline and then with Maggie, Billy haphazardly packs a suitcase and finds his passport. Several hours later, Billy’s boarding a plane to America, hoping that it’s not too late to make it up to Dom. That Dom’s not completely lost.

Sadly, the weather proves to be very uncooperative, and there are weather delays, first at Heathrow, again at O’Hare, and when Billy finally lands at LAX, it’s nearly midnight, and it’s pouring rain. Exhausted and scared, Billy finally manages to hail a taxi at the curb, gnawing on his lower lip as the miles tick by. He didn’t tell anyone he was coming, but as the taxi pulls to a stop in front of the flat that Dom shares with Mac, Billy wonders if there will be anyone home. After paying the fare and slinging his carryon over his shoulder, Billy makes a run for the front door, ringing the doorbell and huddling close to the building in an effort to minimize his exposure to the rain.

Several long moments pass, and Billy is beginning to lose hope when a light inside is switched on, and then door finally opens. Peering out with bleary eyes, Mac’s face fills with relief when he recognizes Billy. Beckoning him inside, Mac leads the way towards Dom’s room after urging Billy to leave his luggage in the hall, quietly telling Billy to prepare himself. At the door, Mac pauses to listen and then shakes his head sadly. Judging by the sounds they can hear, Dom is throwing up, rather violently.

Taking a deep breath, Billy quietly twists the doorknob and slips inside Dom’s bedroom, following the sound into the loo. Sprawled on his knees in front of the porcelain bowl, Dom clutches at the toilet as his stomach heaves, a shudder rippling up his slender back. Chest aching at the pain his beloved Dommie is in, Billy grabs a face flannel off the towel rod and quickly dampens it under the faucet as Dom wretches again. Sinking to his knees at Dom’s side as he pants for breath, Billy lays the cool compress to the back of Dom’s neck before lowering his head and kissing his shoulder.

Surprised by the contact, Dom looks away from the bowl, his weary, bloodshot eyes meeting Billy’s and then widening. For a long moment they don’t move, just gazing at each other for the first time in months, and then Billy smoothes back Dom’s damp, tousled hair in a soothing caress. After ensuring that Dom’s stomach pyrotechnics are finished, Billy helps Dom to his feet, flushes away the result of Dom’s overindulging tonight, and rubs his back while he rinses away the foul taste in his mouth with some Listerine.

Eyes lowered in shame, Dom mutely follows Billy into the bedroom, not saying a word as Billy tosses the wet face flannel on the night stand and then peels away Dom’s t-shirt, because it reeks of smoke and sweat and sickness. Letting the cotton drop to the floor, immediately forgotten, Billy’s eyes slide over Dom’s now bare chest, saddened at the knowledge that the younger man has lost weight. Picking up the damp flannel once again, Billy gently wipes Dom’s face, watching as Dom closes his pain-filled, glistening eyes, wondering why Dom is shaking, on the verge of bursting into tears.

Heeling off his shoes, Billy guides Dom down to lay on the bed, then drops the flannel to the floor before settling on the mattress, his arms sliding around Dom’s trembling body. Burying his face in Billy’s neck, Dom clutches handfuls of Billy’s shirt at his waist, inhaling raggedly, drawing the scent deep into his lungs, and then the floodgates open. Sobbing incoherently, Dom clings to Billy, hot tears soaking the collar of Billy’s shirt as the pain pours out of Dom like a raging river. Rocking back and forth gently, stroking Dom’s bare back and murmuring softly, Billy cradles Dom to his chest, rubbing his scruffy cheek against Dom’s hair, cursing himself for letting his Dommie sink so far into darkness.

Guilt overwhelms Billy as he realizes how wrong he was, how Dom was putting on a brave face, not wanting to burden Billy or anyone else, even as he became a shadow of himself. After a few minutes, Dom’s sobs begin to slow, and eventually quiet to a sniffle, and only then does Dom release his iron grip on Billy’s shirt. Brushing furtively at his eyes and wiping his hand on his jeans, Dom looks up and Billy can see the question that Dom can’t bring himself to ask. The fear that Billy is going to leave him again causes fresh tears to form in Dom’s exhausted and tormented eyes.

Unable to trust his voice, Billy lets his actions speak for him as he rolls Dom onto his back before sitting up. Keeping a hand on Dom’s flat belly, Billy unfastens Dom’s blue jeans and then uses both hands to slide them down Dom’s legs after he lifts his hips, eyes locked on Billy’s face. Tossing the denim to the floor, Billy gazes at Dom’s bared skin as his fingers quickly open the buttons of his shirt and trousers. With a quiet thump, the clothing is dropped to the floor, and then Billy is stretching out on the mattress in nothing but his boxers. Drawing the sheet up over their bodies, Billy cuddles Dom close, suppressing a wince when he feels Dom’s tears start to flow once again.

Entwining their limbs, Billy rubs Dom’s spine and rocks back and forth until Dom’s body grows heavy and limp in his arms, having finally surrendered to sleep. Shifting carefully so he can look at Dom’s face, Billy watches the younger man sleep for a long time, marveling at how peaceful Dom looks, the steady, even rhythm of his heartbeat against Billy’s chest, and the soft skin under his palms. It’s more than an hour later when Billy’s eyes drop closed, exhaustion from his long journey forcing him to rest.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

The sun is high in the sky when Mac finally works up the nerve to peek into Dom’s room, and that’s only after Sean insists, worried about Dom, and what effect Billy’s arrival has had. Hoping that he’s not about to be scarred for life, Mac cracks open the door for a quick look, and then he’s relaying what he’s seeing to his brother, the relief obvious in his tone.

Eyes fluttering open at the sound of a muffled voice down the hall, Billy’s arms tighten automatically around the sleeping man half-draped over him like a warm, heavy blanket. It’s only when Billy looks around the unfamiliar room that he realizes they’re not in New Zealand, that Dom is desperately clinging to him like a lifeline. Memories of last night flood Billy’s mind, and unconsciously, his arms squeeze again, keeping Dom’s bare skin pressed against him fully. Brushing a feathery kiss across Dom’s forehead, Billy sighs softly and waits for Dom to open his eyes. There are things that need to be discussed, decisions to be made, and changes agreed to. Dom cannot continue this miserable existence, in so much overwhelming pain and despair. It has to stop, immediately.

Hearing and feeling a shift in Dom’s breathing, Billy watches as Dom is released from dreamland and slowly drifts back into reality, the hint of a smile teasing at his lips as he rubs his cheek against Billy’s furry chest. It feels so familiar, waking up in each others arms, even after all the months and an ocean apart. Yawning and licking his rosy lips, Dom finally opens his eyes, gazing sleepily at Billy for a few moments, and then, in an instant, the look Dom had last night is back.

Fear, pain and uncertainty rush across Dom’s no longer smiling face, swirling about madly, causing Dom’s expressive eyes to widen and his lithe body to tense as his chest constricts, stealing his breath. Keeping his strong arms wrapped firmly around Dom’s lean body, Billy waits for Dom’s emotions to settle a little, and then he nervously cups Dom’s scruffy cheek with one small, shaking hand.

“Forgive me?” Billy requests softly, gazing deeply into Dom’s eyes, pleading for a second chance, to make it right.

Blinking back tears, Dom smiles tentatively, and then his long, elegant fingers are sliding around the nape of Billy’s neck and bringing their mouths together in a deep, passionate kiss. Whimpering his relief, Billy, falls into the kiss, heart and soul, overjoyed to have his Dommie back in his arms, right where he belongs.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

fin