(no subject)

[hyacinth-sky747.livejournal.com]

The Main Thing
d/b
For aire_blair because she wanted something kind of like this.
Disclaimer: Yeah, this never really happened.


Love me gently. It used to be fierce, my love for you. It used to be waking in the morning ready to slice my life’s blood from this body of mine if you wouldn’t love me. It used to be staying up all night, dreaming of you and falling asleep at midday to forget you. It used to be trembling hands and not eating. It used to be some kind of curse. I couldn’t think right. My whole soul sang one song that was your name. Billy upon waking. Billy in the shower. Billy dressing. Billy when tying my shoes.

Love mellows. It becomes a part of me. Fits into my soul. It’s just this part of me roped off with yellow tape reading unrequited, like caution signs around a crime scene. It’s no crime though. No crime to love you. As long as I keep it secret, sacred, unto myself alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.

I used to think I’d find you, that you’d come across me quite suddenly while I trolled amongst the waves off Venice Beach. My loneliness, my want for you, seemed to scream out of me like an ambulance siren too high pitched for any ears but yours. All the way in the sun-drenched warmth of Mexico or on the cloudy shores of Scotland you would hear it. Come to rescue me. I don’t want to be the kind of person that needs rescuing. Except if it was you.

I am given to flights of fancy. Your figure emerging from the June gloom, steering my surf board towards shore and warm lamp light and the warmth of you. Why must I always pad my way across these sands on my own? Do I leave footprints? Am I anything without you? I will walk. I will walk across the teaming city of LA into the snowcapped mountains and down into the desert. I will pass great monuments of stone and time. I will travel through fabled Dixieland, strike out from Jacksonville and swim for your shores.

I will prostrate my self for you, if that’s what you want. Or I will tap dance on the ceiling. I will wear brightly colored flowers in my hair. Just so you will love me. I grow ridiculous. It shows more as I age. I can’t unwrap my thoughts from you.

You visit me at the end of summer. The days are all warm. They’re always warm here but cool at night. We wait until dark and then walk to the Mexican restaurant and eat salsa as hot as we can stand it. We walk back and I want to take your hand and run off into some Never-land with you. Why do I have to grow up? Can’t I wallow in my boyish crush for one day longer?

“My rooster. My Pan,” you say to me. “You keep me young.”

How come LA always feels like the very edge of the world? Why this Mecca that will slip off at any moment into the sea? It is all dreams and stardust and your eyes. I spread my hands as if you had asked me an unanswerable question.

“I don’t know,” I say.

“I’m thinking about missing you all the time I’m with you.”

“You don’t. It’s not something you’d do.”

“But that’s what you want me to say. So I’ll say it.”

“Where is that comfortable place you live in, Bills? Tell me.”

“First star to the right and keep on till morning.”

“I’m a lost boy.”

“Not so lost. I’ve found you.”

“Are you lost?”

You chuckled. “I am. Doesn’t make it much of rescue mission now, does it?”

“Rescue?”

“I don’t want to rescue you. I want to remember you as you were, as you are. Don’t ever change.”

“Not even for the better?” These are the types of conversations I can have with you. You don’t think ill of me for them.

“You always change. You’re like crystal in light. Hidden depths you have. But I don’t want you to lose them. That’s what I mean.”

Kiss me. I thought. I thought and thought it. It must have been the millionth time.

It’s a charm, that millionth.

I kissed back.

“You must promise me I’ll never lose you,” you said. You’re so tough, so cheerful but there are little cracks in you.

“Never, you might misplace me though.”

You put your hand over your heart. “You’re just here. Always. I always know where to find you.”

I blinked back tears. You touched my heart.

“You’ll keep me there as well?”

“You’ve moved in. Made yourself rather comfy, haven’t you?”

You kissed me again. And then we walked homeward hand in hand.

Many things happened to me in my life, but you, you were the main thing.