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[warpedrealityjl.livejournal.com]

Title: Never Thought...
Rating: R
Author: Me!
Warning: Severe Angst, Death!Fic
A/N: Ok I wrote this ages ago and didn’t think much of it, but was sorting some things to print off and file yesterday and stumbled across it and thought “hmm, ok- not THAT bad...” and decided to post it here and get a real verdict . Please be honest! Con-Crit is most welcome.

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Never thought I could become this shell of a person, standing and staring at the waves and wondering what my body would look like floating miles out beyond the shore, wondering: Who would find me? Who would care? Who would actually come to my funeral?

Feeling so totally unloved.

Never thought it would come to the point of knowing the only way I can possibly survive is to distance myself from the one person I love more than anything in the world as far as I possibly can. You. And you can just never take the hint, can you?

It would be- could be- alright if you loved me, Billy, but you don’t, you just don’t. I’m just sticky fumblings when your girl’s not looking and the rest of the time your very best friend, and isn’t that just great? Being your best friend- I mean.

Only it’s not. It won’t be. It hasn’t been. It isn’t. I need more and you’ll just never give it.

And this...this was the last time. I can’t even breathe anymore. I can’t even feel my heart beating. So what difference does it make if it actually is or not?

You know what hurts most, Bills? Billy? Pickle? It’s the look in your eyes. It tricks me. Every time I think I know better but every time I’m fooled. You look at me like you love me, and we never just fuck- it’s making love. But it isn’t. Because you don’t love me- you can’t love me.

If you did you’d stay with me, you wouldn’t keep crawling back to her.

Her. God. I tried so hard not to hate her, I tried so hard. But she knows, Billy, she knows and she doesn’t even hate me, she doesn’t scream at me, or you. She just smiles, and holds your hand when she knows I’m looking, and let’s me know with big bold neon letters: You don’t belong to me, and you never have.

I’ll never understand what you see in her. What she has to give you that I don’t- other than children.

Children.

You’re so desperate, so fucking desperate for children that I don’t stand a chance.

My toes curl into the sand as I turn my broken gaze to your solid form in the sand. So beautiful. Even when I hate you you’re still so beautiful. Please...

But no. The pleases have to end now. The pleases have gone on for far too long.

I can’t keep begging you to love me- you won’t. You never will.

God. I love you.

I love you so fucking much.

The tiny sob breaks loose before I can bite it back like all the rest and you stir, eyes flickering, then mouth something in dreams and drift away again.

Needles in my heart, it feels like, as the water reaches my chest and thumps me in the gut with its ice cold. Plunging in like this- it’s not dramatic, or anything of the sort, but I just want it over with. I can’t back out. I can still feel the last of your kisses on my lips...

Closing my eyes, I imagine a thousand kisses, tears falling freely to mingle with the ocean. I remember the touches, the shouts, the screams of lust; I remember the look in your eyes as you kissed me so passionately for the first time, a time when perhaps a chance of us still lingered. I remember the look in your eyes as you told me about her- you thought I was being unreasonable when I screamed and cursed and cried. I remember just an hour ago, writhing in the surf, your face with the clouded Scottish sky as its backdrop, your eyes as you shuddered and filled me and I came under your touch for the thousandth and final time.

Your small form still sleeping in the distance on the shore is the last thing I see before the wave hits, before the tide drags me under and I let it wash you- wash me- away.

I never thought it would come to this...