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monaboyd Jun. 22nd, 2005 01:07 pm)
shellies.livejournal.com posting in monaboyd Jun. 22nd, 2005 01:07 pm)Title: Impulse 12/12
Pairing: Billy/Dom
Rating: NC-17 for series
Summary: AU taking place at Stanford University.
Notes: The fraternity is fictional. Many, many thanks to Andrealyn for her help with this last part and to Dani for her continuous encouragement and help throughout the series. Finally done and it only took half a lifetime. Thanks to everyone for sticking with me.
Previous parts can be found here. Takes place evening following Part 11.
Billy sat nervously in his small room, his right leg bouncing up and down so hard that the bed was shaking. He was filled with nervous energy. Ten minutes from now he would leave to see Dominic. To say goodbye to Dominic.
Dinner was a bad idea. That’s all Billy could think as he sat, his gaze fixed mindlessly on a point on the wall. A very, very bad idea. Seeing Dom again, if only for those brief minutes in the bathroom earlier today, had brought to the surface every single emotion that Billy had been trying so hard – albeit, mostly with failure – to suppress. He missed him. For God’s sake, he was still in love with him.
And now he was leaving. Probably forever, and Billy had to say goodbye.
Standing with a sigh, Billy paced in a circle around his room, trying to think of any possible way he could get out of this. He could call Dom, tell him he wasn’t feeling well. He had a lot of work to do, work early the next morning. Except, of course, Dom would see right through all that. And then Billy would hurt him. Again.
He rubbed his hands over his face and resolved that no, he had to go. It would be good, he tried to convince himself. It would be a final dinner together, a chance for some closure. Closure, yeah. Billy could use some of that.
He grabbed his keys from his desk and walked out the door, locking it behind him. Dom had asked if they could go to a place near the Sigma house since his parents were using his car while they were in town and Billy didn’t have one. Although the house wasn’t exactly the first thing Billy was anxious to see, he really didn’t mind too much. Everything was pretty much old news by now and, anyway, most of the fraternity was probably out celebrating the end of the semester. Billy walked the short distance to the corner where Dom had asked him to meet him and saw Dom already waiting there.
The sight of him made Billy’s stomach clench uncomfortably. Closure, right.
“Hey,” Dom said warmly as Billy approached.
“Hey.” Billy attempted a small smile.
“I thought we could go to that bar – Lucky’s? They serve food.”
“I…Okay,” Billy nodded, swallowing thickly and biting back that he’d rather go somewhere else. That was the bar they had gone to the first night they’d ever hung out together. The night that had felt like a first date, the night that was their first date. When they had stumbled home, and Dom had kissed him for the first time. It was somehow appropriate they should go there, Billy thought, in the sick and make-him-nauseous kind of way.
They walked down the sidewalk side by side in silence and Billy couldn’t have felt more awkward. He remembered a time not so long ago when they could stay up all night, talking about anything, and now he couldn’t think of a thing to say.
“Congratulations,” he finally said, feeling stupid.
“You said that earlier,” Dom smiled, and he seemed much more at ease than Billy felt. At least he wasn’t fidgeting with his hands and making pathetic small talk like Billy was.
“Right,” Billy nodded, and then decided it was best if he just stayed quiet until they got to the bar. He couldn’t think of anything to say anyway.
Once inside and seated at a booth – thankfully, not the regular booth they’d usually sit at when they’d come here in the past – Dom looked at Billy, almost expectantly. Billy wasn’t quite sure what to do; he was invited here by Dom, after all. What was he supposed to say? He looked uncertainly at Dom and waited.
“I’ve missed you,” Dom said quietly, once he saw that Billy wasn’t going to speak first. His eyes met Billy’s directly and there was a sadness in them that Dom hadn’t shown before. Not earlier that morning, and not outside. It made Billy ache.
“Dom,” Billy sighed. “I don’t think—“ he started, but Dom interrupted him.
“Billy, don’t,” he snapped, “Just don’t.” Billy closed his mouth. “I can’t even tell you I miss you?” Dom looked at him so intently that Billy had to look away. “Why won’t you talk to me? Jesus, you can’t even look at me. Why?”
If it was at all possible, Billy felt even worse. He was back to his original thought – this dinner was a mistake. He wasn’t going to get any closure out of this; this was Dom’s chance to say everything that Billy had been too much of a coward to listen to before. You deserve it, he told himself. He deserved every word he was going to have thrown at him. And Dom deserved the chance to say it.
He looked up at Dom and gestured helplessly with his hands. “I don’t know what to say, Dom,” Billy said. “I don’t have anything worth saying.”
“Don’t you miss me?” Dom pressed, leaning forward on the table. “Don’t you care anymore at all?” Dom blinked, looking horribly wounded, and Billy was about to say something when the waitress came over with their beers. Dom looked annoyed, but Billy hadn’t ever been more relieved to see anyone in his life. He wanted to jump up and kiss her.
She took their orders and left them alone again and Dom looked at Billy, waiting.
“Of course,” Billy began, and his throat felt terribly dry all of a sudden. He coughed and took a long sip of his beer before trying again. “Of course I miss you,” he said quietly, feeling defeated. “Of course I care, Dom.” It was the last thing that Billy wanted to admit, but he owed it to Dom to at least be honest. It didn’t matter now, anyway.
“If you care so much, then why did you just shut me out? You didn’t return my calls, my emails. You just…disappeared.” Dom still looked hurt, but he also looked angry now, his eyes dark and flashing accusingly. Billy’s hands gripped his beer and opened his mouth, but Dom kept going. “You can’t just leave someone like that, Billy. You can’t tell me that I can’t have you and not even give me a chance to ask you why.”
“I had to, Dom, that’s why!” Billy shot back, a little too loudly. Some of the people at the table next to their booth turned to stare and Billy lowered his voice, the words coming out of him quickly now, and Billy was helpless to stop them. “I can’t have you in my life if I cant…have you. It hurts too much and I’m sorry if that’s unfair, but it’s what I had to do to move on.”
Dom blinked at him, looking surprised at Billy’s sudden outpour of emotion, but Billy didn’t give him a chance to respond.
“It doesn’t matter now anyway, right? You’re leaving tomorrow, so just tell me I’m an asshole and we’ll be done with it.” He breathed deeply, feeling shattered and empty now that he’d said it all out loud. He shut his eyes and willed it all to disappear. There was silence from across the table. It was silent so long that Billy began to think that Dom had become fed up and left him there, sitting like an idiot at the booth with his eyes closed. But when he opened his eyes, Dom was still there, looking at him.
“Have you?” he asked.
“Have I what?”
“Moved on.”
“Obviously not, Dom,” Billy replied quietly. There was no way to hide the way his hands were shaking, and he lowered them to his lap quickly, wiping the sweat on his jeans.
Dom nodded, but he didn’t look satisfied. He looked sad, actually and, to Billy’s horror, his voice cracked when he spoke again. “Then why did you do it, Billy?”
“Because I’m not good for you, Dom. Your life was fine before I came along. I only brought you problems.”
“You’re right,” Dom agreed, nodding, his voice calmer now. “My life was simpler before I met you.” Billy winced. He knew it was true, he believed it, but it still hurt to hear. Dom paused and took a sip of his beer, and Billy nodded as well.
“Right then,” he started, but was interrupted again.
“Let me finish. It was fine, simpler, yes…but it wasn’t perfect, Billy. And I’m not saying it was perfect with you, either, because nothing is perfect. But with you, it was better. Better, Billy, and you took that away from me when you left. That’s what you stopped giving me.” Dom leaned forward again, placing his hands on the table. “Not problems, but the better part of my life.” His voice cracked on his last word, and Billy swallowed down the lump in his own throat.
“Why am I here, Dom?” he asked, feeling utterly confused. Dom didn’t hate him. He wanted him back, Billy could tell. But it was useless now, even if Billy thought it was a good idea. He lifted his hand and gulped down more beer, trying to make sense of it all.
“Because I want to come back to California and know that you’re here for me.”
Billy looked up, surprised. “Come back to California?”
“Will you be here for me?”
Billy blinked, still trying to comprehend ”back to California”. “Will I…what? You’re coming back?” There was hope in his voice, happiness, and he couldn’t hide it.
“Well, I’m pretty sure Stanford doesn’t have an internet-based law program,” Dom scoffed, a small smile forming on his lips.
“You’re going to Stanford Law?” Billy sounded like a parrot and he didn’t care. The clench in his stomach was loosening each time Dom spoke and it was terrifying. Dom wasn’t leaving. He wasn’t leaving, he was coming back, and he didn’t hate him.
“Yes,” Dom gave a rueful smile at Billy’s bewildered expression. “Now will you just admit you want me back so that I know I have a boyfriend to come home to in August?”
“Dom, I—no!” Billy shook his head, trying to fight back the joy he was feeling. This didn’t change anything, he still couldn’t let…
“Billy, for Christ’s sake,” Dom stood up abruptly and slid into the booth next to Billy, grabbing him by the shoulders. Billy spun in his hands and suddenly Dom was kissing him, hard and urgent and Billy couldn’t help but open for him, letting Dom’s tongue slide into his mouth. One last kiss, he told himself, his mind spinning.
Dom pulled away just as suddenly and Billy stared at him, his mouth gaping. “I don’t give a damn about anyone else,” he said firmly, gripping Billy’s shoulders tightly. “I got into law school and I have everything sorted out and you are going to stop punishing yourself for things you didn’t do and kiss me again, do you hear me?”
Billy could only nod as Dom leaned forward and pressed their lips together again. The kiss was slower this time, deep and long and Billy let himself fall into it. Someone at the adjacent table hooted and Billy wrapped his arms around Dom’s waist, thinking maybe…
Pairing: Billy/Dom
Rating: NC-17 for series
Summary: AU taking place at Stanford University.
Notes: The fraternity is fictional. Many, many thanks to Andrealyn for her help with this last part and to Dani for her continuous encouragement and help throughout the series. Finally done and it only took half a lifetime. Thanks to everyone for sticking with me.
Previous parts can be found here. Takes place evening following Part 11.
Impulse 12
Billy sat nervously in his small room, his right leg bouncing up and down so hard that the bed was shaking. He was filled with nervous energy. Ten minutes from now he would leave to see Dominic. To say goodbye to Dominic.
Dinner was a bad idea. That’s all Billy could think as he sat, his gaze fixed mindlessly on a point on the wall. A very, very bad idea. Seeing Dom again, if only for those brief minutes in the bathroom earlier today, had brought to the surface every single emotion that Billy had been trying so hard – albeit, mostly with failure – to suppress. He missed him. For God’s sake, he was still in love with him.
And now he was leaving. Probably forever, and Billy had to say goodbye.
Standing with a sigh, Billy paced in a circle around his room, trying to think of any possible way he could get out of this. He could call Dom, tell him he wasn’t feeling well. He had a lot of work to do, work early the next morning. Except, of course, Dom would see right through all that. And then Billy would hurt him. Again.
He rubbed his hands over his face and resolved that no, he had to go. It would be good, he tried to convince himself. It would be a final dinner together, a chance for some closure. Closure, yeah. Billy could use some of that.
He grabbed his keys from his desk and walked out the door, locking it behind him. Dom had asked if they could go to a place near the Sigma house since his parents were using his car while they were in town and Billy didn’t have one. Although the house wasn’t exactly the first thing Billy was anxious to see, he really didn’t mind too much. Everything was pretty much old news by now and, anyway, most of the fraternity was probably out celebrating the end of the semester. Billy walked the short distance to the corner where Dom had asked him to meet him and saw Dom already waiting there.
The sight of him made Billy’s stomach clench uncomfortably. Closure, right.
“Hey,” Dom said warmly as Billy approached.
“Hey.” Billy attempted a small smile.
“I thought we could go to that bar – Lucky’s? They serve food.”
“I…Okay,” Billy nodded, swallowing thickly and biting back that he’d rather go somewhere else. That was the bar they had gone to the first night they’d ever hung out together. The night that had felt like a first date, the night that was their first date. When they had stumbled home, and Dom had kissed him for the first time. It was somehow appropriate they should go there, Billy thought, in the sick and make-him-nauseous kind of way.
They walked down the sidewalk side by side in silence and Billy couldn’t have felt more awkward. He remembered a time not so long ago when they could stay up all night, talking about anything, and now he couldn’t think of a thing to say.
“Congratulations,” he finally said, feeling stupid.
“You said that earlier,” Dom smiled, and he seemed much more at ease than Billy felt. At least he wasn’t fidgeting with his hands and making pathetic small talk like Billy was.
“Right,” Billy nodded, and then decided it was best if he just stayed quiet until they got to the bar. He couldn’t think of anything to say anyway.
Once inside and seated at a booth – thankfully, not the regular booth they’d usually sit at when they’d come here in the past – Dom looked at Billy, almost expectantly. Billy wasn’t quite sure what to do; he was invited here by Dom, after all. What was he supposed to say? He looked uncertainly at Dom and waited.
“I’ve missed you,” Dom said quietly, once he saw that Billy wasn’t going to speak first. His eyes met Billy’s directly and there was a sadness in them that Dom hadn’t shown before. Not earlier that morning, and not outside. It made Billy ache.
“Dom,” Billy sighed. “I don’t think—“ he started, but Dom interrupted him.
“Billy, don’t,” he snapped, “Just don’t.” Billy closed his mouth. “I can’t even tell you I miss you?” Dom looked at him so intently that Billy had to look away. “Why won’t you talk to me? Jesus, you can’t even look at me. Why?”
If it was at all possible, Billy felt even worse. He was back to his original thought – this dinner was a mistake. He wasn’t going to get any closure out of this; this was Dom’s chance to say everything that Billy had been too much of a coward to listen to before. You deserve it, he told himself. He deserved every word he was going to have thrown at him. And Dom deserved the chance to say it.
He looked up at Dom and gestured helplessly with his hands. “I don’t know what to say, Dom,” Billy said. “I don’t have anything worth saying.”
“Don’t you miss me?” Dom pressed, leaning forward on the table. “Don’t you care anymore at all?” Dom blinked, looking horribly wounded, and Billy was about to say something when the waitress came over with their beers. Dom looked annoyed, but Billy hadn’t ever been more relieved to see anyone in his life. He wanted to jump up and kiss her.
She took their orders and left them alone again and Dom looked at Billy, waiting.
“Of course,” Billy began, and his throat felt terribly dry all of a sudden. He coughed and took a long sip of his beer before trying again. “Of course I miss you,” he said quietly, feeling defeated. “Of course I care, Dom.” It was the last thing that Billy wanted to admit, but he owed it to Dom to at least be honest. It didn’t matter now, anyway.
“If you care so much, then why did you just shut me out? You didn’t return my calls, my emails. You just…disappeared.” Dom still looked hurt, but he also looked angry now, his eyes dark and flashing accusingly. Billy’s hands gripped his beer and opened his mouth, but Dom kept going. “You can’t just leave someone like that, Billy. You can’t tell me that I can’t have you and not even give me a chance to ask you why.”
“I had to, Dom, that’s why!” Billy shot back, a little too loudly. Some of the people at the table next to their booth turned to stare and Billy lowered his voice, the words coming out of him quickly now, and Billy was helpless to stop them. “I can’t have you in my life if I cant…have you. It hurts too much and I’m sorry if that’s unfair, but it’s what I had to do to move on.”
Dom blinked at him, looking surprised at Billy’s sudden outpour of emotion, but Billy didn’t give him a chance to respond.
“It doesn’t matter now anyway, right? You’re leaving tomorrow, so just tell me I’m an asshole and we’ll be done with it.” He breathed deeply, feeling shattered and empty now that he’d said it all out loud. He shut his eyes and willed it all to disappear. There was silence from across the table. It was silent so long that Billy began to think that Dom had become fed up and left him there, sitting like an idiot at the booth with his eyes closed. But when he opened his eyes, Dom was still there, looking at him.
“Have you?” he asked.
“Have I what?”
“Moved on.”
“Obviously not, Dom,” Billy replied quietly. There was no way to hide the way his hands were shaking, and he lowered them to his lap quickly, wiping the sweat on his jeans.
Dom nodded, but he didn’t look satisfied. He looked sad, actually and, to Billy’s horror, his voice cracked when he spoke again. “Then why did you do it, Billy?”
“Because I’m not good for you, Dom. Your life was fine before I came along. I only brought you problems.”
“You’re right,” Dom agreed, nodding, his voice calmer now. “My life was simpler before I met you.” Billy winced. He knew it was true, he believed it, but it still hurt to hear. Dom paused and took a sip of his beer, and Billy nodded as well.
“Right then,” he started, but was interrupted again.
“Let me finish. It was fine, simpler, yes…but it wasn’t perfect, Billy. And I’m not saying it was perfect with you, either, because nothing is perfect. But with you, it was better. Better, Billy, and you took that away from me when you left. That’s what you stopped giving me.” Dom leaned forward again, placing his hands on the table. “Not problems, but the better part of my life.” His voice cracked on his last word, and Billy swallowed down the lump in his own throat.
“Why am I here, Dom?” he asked, feeling utterly confused. Dom didn’t hate him. He wanted him back, Billy could tell. But it was useless now, even if Billy thought it was a good idea. He lifted his hand and gulped down more beer, trying to make sense of it all.
“Because I want to come back to California and know that you’re here for me.”
Billy looked up, surprised. “Come back to California?”
“Will you be here for me?”
Billy blinked, still trying to comprehend ”back to California”. “Will I…what? You’re coming back?” There was hope in his voice, happiness, and he couldn’t hide it.
“Well, I’m pretty sure Stanford doesn’t have an internet-based law program,” Dom scoffed, a small smile forming on his lips.
“You’re going to Stanford Law?” Billy sounded like a parrot and he didn’t care. The clench in his stomach was loosening each time Dom spoke and it was terrifying. Dom wasn’t leaving. He wasn’t leaving, he was coming back, and he didn’t hate him.
“Yes,” Dom gave a rueful smile at Billy’s bewildered expression. “Now will you just admit you want me back so that I know I have a boyfriend to come home to in August?”
“Dom, I—no!” Billy shook his head, trying to fight back the joy he was feeling. This didn’t change anything, he still couldn’t let…
“Billy, for Christ’s sake,” Dom stood up abruptly and slid into the booth next to Billy, grabbing him by the shoulders. Billy spun in his hands and suddenly Dom was kissing him, hard and urgent and Billy couldn’t help but open for him, letting Dom’s tongue slide into his mouth. One last kiss, he told himself, his mind spinning.
Dom pulled away just as suddenly and Billy stared at him, his mouth gaping. “I don’t give a damn about anyone else,” he said firmly, gripping Billy’s shoulders tightly. “I got into law school and I have everything sorted out and you are going to stop punishing yourself for things you didn’t do and kiss me again, do you hear me?”
Billy could only nod as Dom leaned forward and pressed their lips together again. The kiss was slower this time, deep and long and Billy let himself fall into it. Someone at the adjacent table hooted and Billy wrapped his arms around Dom’s waist, thinking maybe…
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glad you liked it!
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